Lord Drake Misadventures
by Vyce Dryke
Summary: The Misadventures of Lord Drake and the Black Draconis Chaos Space Marine Legion, following the exploits of Lord Drake, the Black Draconis Chaos Legion, and others while poking fun at various things not limited to just Warhammer 40,000.
1. Episode 1: The Pilot

**Lord Drake Misadventures  
**By: Vyce Dryke  
Author's note: Chapter 2 and onward are much improved than the first

The Cast

Lord Drake, The Chaos lord, follower of Khorne: "Blood for the blood god!"

Tlanextic, the Chaos Sorceror, follower of Tzeentch, loyal to Lord Drake: "Are you sure you want to push that button?"

Rheumwight, The Cultist: Lord Drake's cannon fodder minion: "AHHH, MY SPLEEN!"

Malfunctioning Necrons: "Ha ha ha, you silly humans"

Farewyth, the Inquisitor: "You called me what!? HERETIC! *BLAM!*"

Arafalas, the Eldar: "What!? I don't even have a quote!"

Azog, The Ork: "'ey! time for tea and crumpets!"

* * *

  
Lord Drake: Okay cultists, time for another meeting! *wanders off*  
Cultist1: Oh no.. not another meeting Cultist2: I still remember the last one.  
Cultist3: I'm new here... what's so bad about them?  
Cultist1: We don't talk about Cultist Bob anymore Cultist2: Let's just say it's bad news.

Rheumwight: Grant us the powers of the dark gods!  
Lord Drake: I'm sick of you asking for the power of the dark gods Rheumwight: But we want them!  
Lord Drake: *sighs* Okay fine, here you go... Rheumwight: Finally!! The powers of the dark gods are pulsing through my veins!  
Lord Drake: *grins evilly*  
Rheumwight: Wait... it's too much power! I can't take it! My body is ripping apart! *explodes*  
Lord Drake: Anyone ELSE want the powers of the dark gods? *other cultists scamper away*  
Lord Drake: That worked better then I imagined.

Rheumwight: Master! Master! We can't get past the Ork blockade!  
Lord Drake: Keep fighting you fools, the Orks cannot capture this castle!  
Rheumwight: But master, we're dying!  
Lord Drake: It does not matter, keep fighting and dying in the name of Khorne! Blood for the blood god! Skulls for the skull throne!

* * *

Lord Drake: It is my most feared enemy! The Necrons!  
Necron1 (in an annoying voice): Hello silly chaos person Necron2 (same annoying voice): How are you today?  
Lord Drake: How.. am... I? Is something wrong? shouldn't you be trying to kill me?  
Necron1: Why would we do that?  
Necron2: Maybe we should, he did break out brain Necron1: Oh yes... I don't care about that...

* * *

*Lord Drake surprisingly captured an Eldar*  
Lord Drake: Well eldar... time for the worst fate imaginable.  
Arafalas: Do your worst!  
Lord Drake: You are now part of... the cast!  
Arafalas: What!? I don't even have a quote!  
Lord Drake: *points to top of post*  
Arafalas: NOOOOOO!  
Lord Drake: MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

* * *

Necron: Ha! Ha! Ha! Silly chaos human! your potatos malfunction!  
Lord Drake: *Stares* Potatos don't function Necron: Exactly!  
Lord Drake: *arches an eyebrow*

* * *

Necron: Yes! Yes! Yes! Maybe! No? Yes! more! please! *explodes*  
Lord Drake: Strangest self-destruct sequence I've even seen Tlanextic: Never want to hear it again.

* * *

Lord Drake: Now, repeat after me. Blood for the blood god!  
Tlanextic: *plainly* Blood for the blood god Lord Drake: Put more guts into it. Like this: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!  
Tlanextic: *coughs* BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!  
Lord Drake: Not like that, you sound too much like me.

* * *

Lord Drake: Well.. it's a wonderful day for.  
Rheumwight: *tenses up*  
Lord Drake: ...bloodshed.. Rheumwight: *breathes a sigh of releif*  
Lord Drake: ...and the weather reminds me of.  
Rheumwight: *tenses up again*  
Lord Drake: ....last year.  
Rheumwight: *Again, sighs*  
Lord Drake: ...and now is the perfect time for.  
Rheumwight: *Does nothing, expects another normal answer*  
Lord Drake: ...Spleens!  
Rheumwight: AHH MY SPLEEN!!!! *explodes*  
Lord Drake: *laughs evilly* that never gets old...


	2. Episode 2: Tea Time

**Lord Drake Misadventures 2**  
By: Vyce Dryke

* * *

*There is a grand battle between the Black Draconis Chaos Legion and the Orks. Neither side makes fround. Suddenly, the battle grinds to a halt, and the sounds of battle dies down*  
Lord Drake: What in the name of the four fathers is going on here?  
*Lord Drake walks up to a Bezerker, who, for whatever reason, is sipping a cup of tea at a table, with his pinky out.  
Bezerker: Uhm... We're having tea?  
*There's an Ork on the other side of the table, Azog*  
Azog: Oi! It's Tea time you pointy humee.  
Lord Drake: *twitches and knocks the table over.* Tea! We're not British!  
*Lord Drake looks around, across the battlefield, the same thing. Various troops sitting at table, sipping tea, even a Defiler is doing it... somehow*  
Lord Drake: Khorne's bloody foot! I'll knock over every single table if I have to! Tlanextic!  
*Tlanextic sputters, knocking over the table, and consequently, the Ork with him*  
Tlanextic: Yes my Lord?  
Lord Drake: You too?  
Tlanextic: Pardon?  
Lord Drake: Your holding a tea cup.  
*Tlanextic hurriedly throws away the tea cup*  
Tlanextic: I have no idea what your talking about.  
Lord Drake: *glares* I'm watching you. *looks around* Can't you do something about this?  
Tlanextic: *checks his chronometer* If you insist my Lord.  
*Tlanextic raises his Bedlam staff, suddenly, tables turns over, china breaks, and the sounds of war raise into the air*  
Lord Drake: Good job Sorceror. There's a reason I keep you around after all.  
*Tlanextic looks dumbfounded*  
Tlanextic: But my Lord.. I haven't done anyth-  
Lord Drake: Don't be so modest. To war!  
*Tlanextic shakes his head, holds his staff normally, and the two of them get long as the battle lines close again*

* * *

Farewyth: You called me what!? HERETIC! *BLAM*  
Imperial Guardsman # 348: But Sir!  
Farewyth: You DARE argue with me? Heretic! *BLAM!* I hope you learned your lesson. I will take my leave.  
*Farewyth leaves, a *BLAM!* being heard in the distance*  
IG #521: 348! Nooo!  
IG #141: Oh. He's going to be fine.  
*IG 521 stares at IG 348 stands up*  
IG #348: Wow. That stung a little.  
IG #521: Wow! You survived being shot?  
IG #141: You must be a new recruit. You see. We've been shot by the Commisars so much recently, that we figured out a way to stay alive.  
IG #348: Yeah. See. Everytime someone goes to point a gun at us, we time it so that we drop on the ground like we're dead, holding what -would- be the bullet wound.  
IG #141: Works every time.  
IG #521: I want to try!  
*A Commisar starts to walk by*  
Commisar: Slacking! There's a war going on men! Every time we idle, we give the enemy more time!  
*348 and 151 smartly salute*  
Both: Apologies Sir.  
IG #521: So? What do I care about the enemy? He's not here right now is he?  
Commisar: You dare question me? You serve better on the firing line.  
IG# 521: I do dare.  
*348 palmfaces, and 151 shakes his head*  
Commisar: For shame. You will be made.. an example... *Blam*  
*521 grins and falls over*  
Commisar: You two will do better to NOT follow in his example.  
*The Commisar leaves*  
348: The poor bastard. That was the Colonel-Commissar.  
151: Impossible to avoid a shot from him.

* * *

*Custodian Guard George and Custodian Guard Brother-Captain Alaron are in a large chamber, with a rather large 'chair' in it*  
Alaron: Okay, what's wrong with this picture?  
George: Uhhmmm.... There's something missing?  
Alaron: Right, but what's missing?  
George: Errr... The Emporer is missing?  
Alaron: Gooood... There's hope of you yet. Now.. What happened?  
George: Dumm. Well.. Sir.. I look the other way, and then look back.. and... he's suddenly gone.  
Alaron: How long?  
George: Hmm.. A minute or so.  
Alaron: So.. The Emperor is missing?  
George: Maybe he got lost?  
Alaron: He's the sodding Emperor for Emperor's sake. He's trapped to the chair until he comes back to life. He can't suddenly get up and fetch a glass of water.  
*George points behind Alaron*  
Alaron: What now? There's noth- *stares after he turns around*  
*The Emperor is standing there. Alaron stares a few seconds more*  
Emperor: What? Can't a guy get a glass of water?  
Alaron: But... *looks to George* You.. *looks to the Emperor* How?  
*Alaron faints, George gives him a weird look. The Emperor shakes his head and sits on the Golden Throne. The Emporer sips his glass of water and then looks at George*  
Emporer: You there?  
George: Uhmm.. Yes my Lord?  
Emperor: Since this Brother-Captain seems to be.. *looks at the fainted Alaron* ...Incapitated. I name you the new Brother-captain.

* * *

*On Lord Drake's Daemon world.*

Lord Drake: So. Again. I rule this planet, what I say goes. And it molds to MY will. Rheumwight: Woooow.  
Tlanextic: *rolls his eyes* Not this again. *Walks away*  
Lord Drake: Observe! I can defy the laws of physics!  
*Lord Drake thinks for a moment, and then he slowly turns upside-down, with his feet moving to the right, eventually staring 'up' at the ground*  
Rheumwight: Ooohhh... My Lord. That's amazing.  
Lord Drake: Yes.. Great. Now get back to work.  
*Rhuemwight leaves*  
Lord Drake: Wait.. How do I get down again?  
*Lord Drake tries very hard to return upright, wiggling his legs, arms, head, and thinks REALLY hard. But nothing happen*  
Lord Drake: Oh for the love of... TLANEXTIC! RHEUMWIGHT! HELP! I need to get down.  
*Camera starts zoooming out*  
Lord Drake: Oh no you don't! Get back here! SORCEROR!

* * *

CSM: The Eldar are near!  
Lord Drake: Ahh.. Our old foes.  
*Arafalas runs into Lord Drake during the battle*  
Arafalas: *stares* Oh no... not you again.  
Lord Drake: Do I know you from somewhere?  
Arafalas: You know.. the capturing.. the torturing.. being part of the cast.  
*Lord Drake tilts his head, thinking*  
Lord Drake: Weren't you that.  
Arafalas: Yes?  
Lord Drake: That Eldar.  
Arafalas: Right.  
Lord Drake: From last weeks Fiesta?  
*Arafalas palmfaces*  
Arafalas: No!  
Lord Drake: Yes you were! We were playing "Pin the Tail on the Dark Eldar"  
Arafalas: I did no such thing.  
*Lord Drake smirks*  
Lord Drake: You were drunk, of course you don't.  
Arafalas: Don't be silly, Eldar don't get drunk.  
Lord Drake: The Necrons there spiked the punch, none of us knew it. Except for that Slaaneshi Daemonette.  
*Arafalas blinks, thinks about it, and then it dawns on him, and his face registers horror*  
Arafalas: Wait.. but.. I remember somehting else too.  
*Lord Drake smirks*  
Lord Drake: I didn't know Eldar were so good in bed.. Until then.  
Arafalas: By Khaine... You didn't.  
Lord Drake: I did.  
Arafalas: Noooo!  
*Arafalas runs in the opposite direction, screaming until he's out of sight*  
Lord Drake: What he doesn't know is... I made that all up.  
*Lord Drake pauses for a moment*  
Lord Drake: I think.

* * *

*A 'Fallen' Inquisitor faces Farewyth*  
Inquisitor: You Sir, have fallen below the glory of the Emporer.  
Farewyth: Oh, stop this rubbish. I've done no such thing. The enemy has clouded your mind.  
Inquisitor: What?  
Farewyth: Remember the Fiesta last week?  
Inquisitor: Barely.  
Farewyth: You slept with a Daemonette, and conversed with Daemons.  
*The Inquisitor ponders this*  
Inquisitor: I did?  
Farewyth: You were drunk, remember?  
Inquisitor: Damn. Your right. But doesn't that make me.  
Farewyth: Tainted?  
Inquisitor: Right. Tainted. Oh no.  
Farewyth: Oh yes.  
Inquisitor: That must make me corrupted.. which makes me.  
Farewyth: A Heretic.  
*The Inquisitor stares in horror*  
Inquisitor: So I have to.  
*Farewyth nods*  
Inquisitor: Heretic! *Self-BLAM*  
Farewyth: Well. That's one less thing to worry about


	3. Episode 3: Terra

Lord Drake Misadventures 3

* * *

*Lord Drake and Co. are standing in front of a collosal gate*  
Lord Drake: Okay. So we're at the gates of the Emporer's palace.  
Rheumwight: It's HUGE Tlanextic: Never imagined we'd be here of all places.  
Lord Drake: So. How do we get in?  
Tlanextic: That... I do not know.  
Rheumwight: Perhaps we should dress and act like we're selling girl scout cookies.  
Lord Drake: Brilliant! We'll use the previously unknown weakness to cookies that the Emporer has.  
*Tlanextic stares at Lord Drake*  
Tlanextic: What? The Emporer is dead. There's no wa-  
Lord Drake: Nonsense, we're doing it.  
Tlanextic: I Object! This is the stupidi-  
*The three are wearing girl scout uniforms over their power armor*  
Tlanextic: *sighs* Remind me why I follow you again my Lord.  
Lord Drake: For Tzeentch's amusement.  
Tlanextic: Why would he.  
*Tzeentch appears in the sky*  
Tzeentch: Just shut up and do it. Besides. Girl Scout Cookies are delicious. *Tzeentch looks away for some reason* Tzeentch: No Slaanesh, I will NOT pass the popcorn. Get up and get it from Khorne yourself.  
*Slaanesh says something away from Tzeentch*  
Tzeentch: What do you mean he slashed off your arm? Shouldn't you like that? Now go away, I'm busy.  
*Slaanesh says something else*  
Tzeentch: He what!? I'm giving him a talking to.  
*Tzeentch glares at Tlanextic*  
Tzeentch: Do it or I'll deal with you later, now if you'll excuse m-NURGLE! Let go of my arm!  
*Tzeentch vanishes from sight, Tlanextic stares upwards*  
Tlanextic: That was... weird.  
Lord Drake: See! If Tzeentch likes Girl Scout Cookies, the Emporer must as well.  
*Tlanextic grumbles*  
Tlanextic: ONLY because Tzeentch says so.  
Lord Drake: Rhuemwight! Knock on the door. Tlanextic! Start talking.  
*Tlanextic groans, Rhuemwight knocks on the door. A Custodial Guard opens the window*  
George: Uhhh... What do you guys want?  
Tlanextic: *Looking like he's going to kill someone, and grugdingly says* We're selling Girl Scout Cookies, would the Emporer like to purchase some?  
*There a pause. George seems oblivious to the fact that their disguises are terrible*  
George: Hmm... Lemme go ask.  
*George closes the window, and assumedly walks off*  
Tlanextic: This isn't going to work.  
Lord Drake: Don't be silly.  
*Tlanextic looks like he's going to rip Rheumwight's arms off*  
Tlanextic: Why are you listioning to HIM?  
Lord Drake: Well. Unless you have a BETTER plan.  
*Tlanextic sighs, looking defeated. Rheumwight grins*  
Tlanextic: No... Lord Drake: Now, we're waiting here.  
Tlanextic: The Emporer is dead, how would he ans-  
*The window to the door to the Imperial Fortress opens, George peers out*  
George: You can come in, The Emporer says he wants to look at the order form.  
Tlanextic: WHAT!? But the Emporer is supposed to be dead.  
*George shrugs*  
George: He's on his lunch break.  
*The door opens, the three enter*  
Lord Drake: Well that was easy.  
Tlanextic: Don't be silly. The Emporer will see right through us.  
Lord Drake: Guess we'll find out.  
Tlanextic: Besides.. He's de-  
*The Emporer stands in front of them, towering over. Tlanextic turns white. The Emporer stares at the three of them*  
The Emporer: Order Form?  
*Lord Drake holds up the paper, Tlanextic stares some more, looking like he's about to faint. The Emporer grabs it*  
The Emporer: Excellent selection this year... *Looks over the form* Hmm.. I'll take a few Tagalongs.. A few Thin Mints. Certainly not All Abouts, I'm allergic to chocolate. *He fills out the form, and hands it back to Lord Drake*  
Lord Drake: Thank you Corpse-Emporer.  
The Emporer: Pardon?  
Tlanextic: He means God-Emporer.  
*The Emporer looks at them again, and stares for a long time. He turns around, and walks back to the throne room. Tlanextic stares some more*  
Tlanextic: That.. How.. Shouldn't have.. Walking Emporer.  
*Tlanextic faints*  
Lord Drake: Hm. They don't make Chaos Sorcerors like they used to.  
Tzeentch: You got that right...

* * *

*The Tau and Black Draconis share the same camp*  
Shas'o Auk'Kak: It is good that you are here. We must make plans for the enemy.  
Lord Drake: I'm only here because Tlanextic said it was a good idea. Although why I listion is beyond me.  
Auk'Kak: It is for the greater good Lord Drake: If I hear that phrase again. I'm going to snap.  
Auk'Kak: What Phrase? For the greater good?  
*Lord Drake twitches*  
Lord Drake: For the past few hours it has been 'For the Greater Good this...', 'For the greater good that...' You won't beleive how many times I'm heard, 'For the greater good I shall clean my armor.', 'For the greater good I shall take a bathroom break'  
Auk'Kak: But Mont au gue la, that is our phrase. It is the defination of our society. We do things not for ourselves. But for 'The greater good.  
*Lord Drake twitches more*  
Lord Drake: For the greator good I'm going to rip your head off if I hear it again.  
Auk'Kak: Apologies Chaos Shas'o, I will tell my men to try not to use that phrase. It is. As we say. For the greator good.  
Lord Drake: Just make sur-  
Fire Warrior: Shas'o Auk'Kak, the enemy is coming, for the greater good we should fight them *At this point, Lord Drake snaps, goes into a bloody rage, and the Fire Warrior is missing limbs, armor, and various other things. A Chaos Space Marine sees this, assumes the worst, and yells*  
Chaos Space Marine: The Tau have betrayed us!  
*The camp falls into in-fighting. The Space Marines approach*  
Space Marine Captain: What in the.  
Farewyth: Interesting. I knew that wouldn't last. Let us fetch the Emporer's holy popcorn.  
SMC: Shouldn't we do something?  
Farewyth: Nonsense. Let our enemies do the fighting for us. When they are weak. We strike.

* * *

*Rheumwight bumps into a Tyranid Ripper.*

Rheumwight: Awl.. He's so cute... I should pick him up and take him home.  
*Rhuemwight picks up the Ripper and pets it. It coos. He notices there are other Rippers*  
Rheumwight: Oh look! He has little friends! Awwwl. I want them all!  
*The Ripper starts to gnaw on Rhuemwight's hand*  
Rheumwight: Awww, love nibbles. *The Ripper bites harder*  
Rheumwight: Okay.. That's enough now.. *The other Rippers join in, biting at Rhuemwight's feet*  
Rheumwight: Wait.. stop!! *The Rippers tackle Rhuemwight after more of them show up. A swarm goes over him*  
Rheumwight: Heeeeelp!!! *The Rippers start to tear him apart*  
Rhuemwight: AHHH, MY SPLEEN!  
Ripper: What's a spleen?

* * *

*Lord Drake is still upside down. There's an Ork staring at him oddly*  
Ork: Uumies? Upside down?  
*Another Ork wanders over*  
Azog: 'Ey! What're ya doin?  
*Azog look at Lord Drake*  
Azog: Well, look 'ere. S'wona dem Kaos Uumies Lord Drake: Get me down this instant or I'll flay you alive!  
Azog: Big wurdz from a Kaos boy upside-down.  
Lord Drake: This is MY Daemon world. You either get me down or I'll create some soft of pit or something.  
Azog: Well. If this iz yer demon woild. Why in da woild can't ya du it yourself?  
*Lord Drake looks away*  
Lord Drake: I forgot how to.  
Azog: Wot? Yer forgot. Ee ee hee. Datz funy kaos uumie.  
Ork: So wodda we du wif 'im boss?  
Azog: Paint 'im greun an den doodle on 'is armoor. DEN set 'im down. Ork: Awright Boss, let'z make 'im orky!  
*later, Lord Drake is set down, and the Orks leave to observe from a safe distance*  
Lord Drake: I'll flay them alive.  
*Tlanextic and Rheumwight approach*  
Tlanextic: I bet you he's still upside-down.  
Rheumwight: Wait. Where is he? What's that Ork doing there?  
Tlanextic: Ork? He's right th-  
*Tlanextic grins evilly*  
Tlanextic: Yes. That IS an Ork.  
Lord Drake: I know Rhuemwight is an idiot, but you now too Tlanextic? Thought you were supposed to be the smart one?  
Tlanextic: *winks* Oh look. He's trying to talk to us. That's definantly NOT Lord Drake.  
Rheumwight: Of course not. I hate Orks, they always act smarter than me.  
Tlanextic: We should do something to him then.  
Lord Drake: Tlanextic, choose your next words carefully.  
Tlanextic: Oh look. It's threatening me.  
Rheumwight: You poor defenseless sorceror. I'll SAVE you.  
Lord Drake: Spleen!  
Rheumwight: ARRRGHHH, MY SPLEEN *explodes*  
*Tlanextic glances at the crater that used to be Rheumwight*  
Tlanextic: How did-You know what. Nevermind. I've learned NOT to ask questions.  
Lord Drake: My minions will NOT be fooled by this.  
Tlanextic: You'd be surprised my Lord.  
*A Chaos Champion walks by*  
Lord Drake: Dragonspit! My loyal minion.  
*Dragonspit looks at Lord Drake funny*  
Dragonspit: You are not my Lord, you blasted Ork. Men?  
*A squads of Chaos Space Marines appear from nowhere*  
Dragonspit: Destroy him!  
*Camera zooms out*  
Lord Drake: You fools! None defy me!

* * *

*Black Draconis stands at a battle line, a Space Marine army on the other side. Lord Drake, Tlanextic, and Rhuemwight overlook the battlefield*  
Lord Drake: All right. Here's the plan.  
Tlanextic: I'm listioning.  
Lord Drake: We stuff Rhuemwight into a cannon, fire him at the enemy commander, and then destroy him, forcing them to run.  
Tlanextic: So... Insane plan number 587?  
Lord Drake: Hey. 238 wasn't bad.  
*Tlanextic groans*  
Tlanextic: You mean the one where we catapult a Carnifex at them?  
Lord Drake: Exactly.  
Tlanextic: That only worked because it was a Carnifex. A Carnifex, Rhuemwight is not. Not to mention it tore US apart when it was done with the Space Marines.  
Lord Drake: We can make him LOOK like a Carnifex.  
Tlanextic: My lord. They're Space Marines, they're not stupid.  
Lord Drake: Nonsense.  
*Later, Lord Drake had put Rhuemwight in Carnifex 'camoflague'. Which isn't much except for being painted in the nearest Hive Fleet's colors, put on sock puppet 'scythes' and various other obviously fake things*  
Lord Drake: See? Perfect!  
Tlanextic: It's not going to work my Lord.  
Rhuemwight: I feel like a bad cosplayer.  
*Lord Drake stuffs Rhuemwight into a cannon*  
Lord Drake: Relax. We should be fine.  
*Meanwhile, at the Space Marine camp*  
SM: Brother-Captain Ezra, the enemy is doing something.  
Ezra: Give me those binocs.  
*Ezra sees the cannon*  
SM: They look like they're going to fire something at us.  
Ezra: It does indeed.  
*The cannon fires, Rhuemwight sails through the air across the battlefield*  
Ezra: Holy God-Emporer! Is that a Carnifex?  
SM: Looks like it sir.  
Ezra: Space Marines.... A-Retreat!  
*The Army abandons camp, and run for the hills*  
*Lord Drake looks pleased. Tlanextic palmfaces*  
Lord Drake: See Sorceror? No contest.  
Tlanextic: I'm amazed your crazy plans work time and time again.  
Lord Drake: The Chaos Gods must be smiling down on us.  
Tlanextic: Or doing it just to spite me.  
*Up above. Tzeentch bursts into laughter.*

* * *

*Tzeentch appears in the sky*  
Tzeentch: Just shut up and do it. Besides. Girl Scout Cookies are delicious. Slaanesh: Girl Scouts are delicious. Now pass the popcorn.  
Tzeentch: No Slaanesh, I will NOT pass the popcorn. Get up and get it from Khorne yourself.  
*Khorne is hoarding the popcorn from the other side of Tzeentch, his chainsaw active and bloody*  
Slaanesh: Shouldn't you be on the skull throne?  
Khorne: I'm on Lunch Break.  
Slaanesh: Pass the popcorn.  
Khorne: NO. I'm not done with it.  
*Slaanesh sighs and sits up, walking over to Khorne. He tries to steal the popcorn, and Khorne makes him lose an arm. Slaanesh winces, but grins a bit since he enjoys it*  
Khorne: Do that again and you'll lose more than an arm.  
Slaanesh: Tzeentch! Khorne slashed off my arm.  
*Slaanesh says something away from Tzeentch*  
Tzeentch: What do you mean he slashed off your arm? Shouldn't you like that? Now go away, I'm busy.  
Slaanesh: Well. I DID enjoy it, but I kinda needed that arm. Besides. He destroyed the Black Library.  
Tzeentch: He what!? I'm giving him a talking to.  
*Tzeentch glares at Tlanextic*  
Tzeentch: Do it or I'll deal with you later, now if you'll excuse m-  
*Nurgle, previously unnoticed, bites Tzeentch's arm*  
Tzeentch: NURGLE! Let go of my arm!


	4. Episode 4: Lord Corrack

Lord Drake Misadventures 4 By: Vyce Dryke

* * *

*Black Draconis is fighting A Slaaneshi cult*  
Lord Drake: What in the name of Khorne's Kitchen are they doing?  
*Tlanextic squints*  
Tlanextic: Ugh. It looks like a violent orgy my Lord.  
Lord Drake: I can see that! Why are they glowing?  
Tlanextic: They seemto be summoning... A Daemon?  
Lord Drake: Well, lets stop them!  
*The two rush to the circle, but it's too late! A Slaaneshi greator daemon appears, and the cultists summoning them die*  
Tlanextic: We should go.  
Lord Drake: Agreed.  
*they both turn to run, and the daemon appears in front of them. It moves to attack, and raises it's arms.. and*  
Daemon: You guys are absolutely.. Faaaaabulous!  
*both stare*  
Tlanextic: Say what?  
Daemon: I'm Lickworship Foamloath. And your outfits are stuuuuuning!  
Lord Drake: Stunning?  
Tlanextic: I'm afraid that, not only did they summon a Keeper of Secrets, but they summoned a rather gay one.  
Lord Drake: So.. shouldn't that be good?  
Tlanextic: No. Not really. He's going to try to kill us any moment now.  
Lord Drake: Sooo... Why isn't he now?  
Tlanextic: He's.. What IS he doing now?  
*They both look up from their conversation. Lickworship is busy putting make-up on one of the dead cultists*  
Lickwoship: This absolutely will NOT do. If your going to be dead, at least be faaaabulous while doing so.  
Tlanextic: That... Would be why.  
Lord Drake: And what kind of name is Lickworship Foamloath?  
Tlanextic: It's not it's real name.  
Lord Drake: Oh?  
Tlanextic: Yeah. Deamon names are often something like... *takes on a demonic voice* Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue *Lord Drake blinks*  
Lord Drake: How the HELL did you say that?  
Tlanextic: Trade secret. Can we go now?  
Lickworship: Woow. That's like. My brother!  
Lord Drake: Oi. Flaming AND a vally girl.  
*Tlanextic starts to walk away, Lickworship appears in front of the sorceror*  
Lickworship: Do you know what you need? A makeover!  
Tlanextic: No.. No... Gods NO. TZEENTCH!  
*Later*  
Lickworship: Faaaaabulous!  
*Tlanextic grumbles, now wearing a pink dress, with a pink princess tiara, and his face is coated in makeup, with his hair in a pony tail. Somehow*  
Lord Drake: Wow. The princess look. That looks great on you.  
Tlanextic: Shut. Up.  
Lord Drake: Whatever you say Sorceror. Or should I say. Princess?  
Tlanextic: You try my patience.  
Lickworship: I have other things to do. Ta ta for now.  
*Lickworship vanishes in a poof of glitter*  
Tlanextic: Can I take this off now?  
Rheumwight: Tlanextic. I didn't know you were a cross dresser.  
Tlanextic: I will tear you limb from limb.  
Rheumwight: Nooo!  
*Rheumwight starts running, and Tlanextic chases. Lord Drake watches, highly amused.*

* * *

Lord Drake: Deep in enemy territory.  
Tlanextic: I'm surprised they haven't found us yet.  
Lord Drake: It must be my superior leadership skills.  
Tlanextic: Leadership skills my space boots.  
*Lord Drake walks into an invisible wall*  
Lord Drake: What the?  
Tlanextic: Eldar trickery my Lord. Observe.  
*Tlanextic raises his staff, it glows, then suddenly stops*  
Tlanextic: What in the hell.  
*Tlanextic whacks the staff a few times, sighs, and opens it from the bottom*  
Tlanextic: I knew I should have used energizer.  
*Tlanextic hits the staff on the wall, and it glows again, and the wall appears into a square building. Lord Drake looks up at a sign over the front door*  
Lord Drake: Khaine's waffle house. Open 24/7. Home of the war god's famous waffle recipe. What?  
*Tlanextic sighs*  
Tlanextic: This place gets weirder every day.  
Lord Drake: Well. What are you waiting for? Let's go in.  
*The two enter, several Eldar look up before returning to their meal. Tlanextic walks over to the counter, curiosly. Lord Drake finds a table*  
Tlanextic: An Avatar?  
*On the other side of the counter, there is an Avatar of Khaine making... waffles*  
Avatar: I am Kaela Mensha Khaine.  
Tlanextic: Is that a chef's hat?  
Avatar: Yes. It is.  
Tlanextic: How in the hell can you keep that on?  
Avatar: Trade Secret.  
Tlanextic: Damn.  
Avatar: Go take a seat. Before I throw my sword at you.  
*Tlanextic nods and backs away, and goes to find Lord Drake's table. Tlanextic sits down*  
Tlanextic: There's an Avatar. With a chef hat. Cooking.  
Lord Drake: I can see that.  
*A familiar looking Eldar walks up to their table*  
Eldar: Thank you for coming to Khaine's Waffle House. I'll be you server today. My name is Arafal-Oh no.  
*At this point, the Eldar, with 'Arafalas' on his name tag, actually looked at who was at the table.  
Arafalas: No no no.  
Lord Drake: Hey... You look familiar.  
Arafalas: No! You don't know me!  
*Lord Drake smiles wickedly*  
Lord Drake: Arafalas, we meet again.  
Arafalas: For the last time. I hope.  
Tlanextic: Small universe.  
Arafalas: Unfortunately.  
Tlanextic: I feel your pain. At least you don't travel with him all the time.  
Arafalas: This is true.  
Lord Drake: Stop your yapping. I want waffles.  
*Arafalas sighs*  
Arafalas: May I interest you in the bloody handed god special?  
Lord Drake: Aren't they all technically bloody handed god specials? What's so special about them.  
Arafalas: The price. And yes. Technically.  
Lord Drake: I'll have that.. and.. some.. EVIL orange juice.  
Arafalas: OJ, right.  
Lord Drake: And an order of knocked up Eldar.  
*Arafalas turns white*  
Arafalas: Excuse me?  
Lord Drake: Don't you know hun, I got you pregnant?  
Arafalas: But.. that's.. impossible!  
Lord Drake: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.  
*Arafalas looks horrified*  
Arafalas: I'll get you order in.  
*Arafalas VERY quickly runs to the back room*  
Tlanextic: Your horrible.  
Lord Drake: What? I just want waffles.  
Tlanextic: Uh-huh.  
Lord Drake: Did you see how he ran?  
*Tlanextic palmfaces. A bit later, Arafalas comes back with hot plates of.. waffles. Lord Drake peers at the waffles*  
Lord Drake: Is that blood?  
Arafalas: Strawberry syrup.  
*Arafalas puts the plates down*  
Lord Drake: No. There's blood there. Is it your time of the month?  
*Arafalas gives Lord Drake a death glare*  
Arafalas: If you MUST know, it's blood from Khaine's hand.  
Lord Drake: So. It's -his- time of the month?  
Arafalas: You never cease to disgust me.  
Lord Drake: It's my goal in life.  
*Arafalas sighs. Tlanextic, who just swallowed a peice of waffle, looks at his plate, and pushes it away*  
Tlanextic: I think I just lost my appetite.  
*Lord Drake looks to Arafalas*  
Lord Drake: So baby. Want to go again?  
*Arafalas looks pale and gulps*  
Arafalas: No.  
Lord Drake: But you were so good last time.. Did it ni-  
Arafalas: Shut up, shut up. Shut up!  
Lord Drake: But you enjoyed every min-  
Arafalas: Stop talking!  
Lord Drake: Every lit-  
Arafalas: Nooooo!  
*Arafalas chooses this time to run. Tlanextic shakes his head*  
Tlanextic: Sometimes I wonder if you would have made a follower of Slaanesh.  
Lord Drake: Don't be silly. I only say that jokingly.  
Tlanextic: Can we go now?  
Lord Drake: As soon as I finish with my waffles.

* * *

*Lord Drake and Co. go to meet the Slaneeshi Lord Corrack*  
Noise Marine: Name, Legion, and patron god.  
Lord Drake: I am Lord Drake of the Black Draconis Chaos Legion of Khorne. The same legion that broke the Necrons, raised havoc at least week's Fiesta, An-  
Noise Marine: Yes yes. Impressive. I'll let him know your here for an audience. Please sit down and wait in this lobby.  
Lord Drake: I wait for no-one!  
*Tlanextic grabs Lord Drake and makes him sit down in a comfy chair. Tlanextic settles in a chair next to a woman. Tlanextic looks at her*  
Femme: *In a VERY deep voice* Take a picture, it'll last longer.  
*Tlanextic shudders and sits on the opposite side of Lord Drake. He gets poked by a Slaaneshi Cultist*  
Tlanextic: What?  
Cultist: Hey baby. Looking for a hot date?  
*Tlanextic stares, the cultist stares back, lustily. He shudders, again, and stands up. Lord Drake, oblivious, arches an eyebrow at Tlanextic*  
Lord Drake: What's your problem?  
Tlanextic: I'd rather stand.  
*The cultist, noting the Chaos Lord of the same colors is not paying attention at all, persists*  
Cultist: Playing hard to get, huh babe?  
*The Cultist stands up, and touches Tlanextic's back*  
Tlanextic: Don't. Touch. Me.  
Cultist: Aw. Come on hun, I can show you pleasure beyond your imagination... Just... Give in.. *The Cultist grabs Tlanextic's rear. Tlanextic, in a rage, annhilates the cultist into dust. The lobby goes quiet, everyone looks. Lord Corrack himself stares*  
Lord Corrack: Well.  
Tlanextic: Corrak! Apologies. I can ex-  
Lord Corrack: Silence! I care not. That opens up my schedule immensely. Shall we go inside?  
*Lord Drake stands, and pats his fellow Chaos Lord on the back*  
Lord Drake: Corrak, it's been ages.  
Lord Corrack: Indeed Lord Drake.  
Lord Drake: I'd like to apologise for my Sorceror's strange.  
*Lord Drake looks at Tlanextic*  
Lord Drake: ...behaviour.  
*Lord Corrack shrugs*  
Lord Corrack: It's hard to adjust to the people here.

* * *

Lord Drake: Khorne's unholy breakfast cereal! It's the inquisition.  
Farewyth: Because nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition.  
Tlanextic: Ohh. I'm SO scared.  
Farewyth: Our chief strengths are... are.. Uhm.. Damn. I don't remember.  
Lord Drake: Tsk. Pathetic.  
Farewyth: You.  
Lord Corrack: I want to take you to a gay bar?  
*The three stare at him*  
Lord Corrack: What? It's a song.  
Tlanextic: Why are you following us?  
Lord Corrack: Why not?  
Lord Drake: Tlanextic, quit your whining.  
Farewyth: Hello! Inquisition?  
Tlanextic: I'll whine all I want. I will NOT have a Slaaneshi Chaos Lord anywhere near me.  
Lord Drake: What? Afraid he'll come onto you?  
*Lord Corrack eyes Tlanextic*  
Lord Corrack: I wouldn't hit that with a ten foot pole.  
Lord Drake: See? Problem solved.  
Lord Corrack: Besides. You need my insight.  
Tlanextic: For what? The ten best ways to screw an Eldar?  
Lord Corrack: I thought that was Lord Drake's department.  
Lord Drake: Corrak. Be quiet. I've done nothing of the sort.  
Lord Corrack: You sure?  
Lord Drake: Very. I made that up. I think.  
Farewyth: Holy cleansing? Killing Heretics?  
Lord Corrack: You think?  
Lord Drake: It's only to torture an Eldar I know.  
Tlanextic: Shouldn't we worry about the Inquisitor guy?  
Lord Corrack: Who?  
Lord Drake: What?  
*Both Lords look at Farewyth*  
Farewyth: Hah! I am from th-  
Lord Drake: He looks harmless.  
Farewyth: I'm NOT harmless. OBSERVE. Heretic! *BLAM*  
*Rhuemwight, somehow, appears in front of Lord Drake*  
Rhuemwight: What am I do-  
*Rhuemwight takes the bullet*  
Rhuemwight: AHHH! MY SPLEEN! *explodes*  
Farewyth: What?  
Lord Drake: He always does that.  
Lord Corrack: Explode? Or appear in front of you?  
Lord Drake: Explode. Appear? That's a first.  
Tlanextic: He makes a convenient meatshield.  
Farewyth: None the less. HERETIC *BLAM*  
Lord Drake: You say that like we care.  
Lord Corrack: We're heretics and proud of it.  
Farewyth: Why isn't it working!? HERETIC *BLAM!* HERETIC! *BLAM*  
Lord Drake: Are you done yet?  
Lord Corrack: That tickles. Please me more Inquisitor.  
Farewyth: Heretic? *blam*  
Tlanextic: Can we go now? I feel like we've wasted enough time.  
*Lord Drake shrugs*  
Lord Drake: I suppose.  
Lord Corrack: Bye Mr. Inquisitor.  
Farewyth: That's Farewyth!  
Lord Corrack: Sure. Right. Whatever. Here's my card.  
Farewyth: Lord Corrak. Lord of Slaanesh... owner of Bhanttlp... tppo... poak?  
*Lord Drake and Lord Corrak go to leave. Tlanextic looks at the card*  
Tlanextic: That's.. uhm.. Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue's pleasure emporeum.  
*Farewyth flips the card over*  
Farewyth: For a good time.. call Arafalas.  
*Tlanextic cackles, and turns to leave*  
Farewyth: Hey! Wait a minute! Come back! I want to shoot you!!

* * *

*Lord Drake and Tlanextic have made their way into an inactive Necron Monolith*  
Lord Drake: Are you SURE they're not going to wake up?  
*Tlanextic sighs, watching Lord Drake poking at a 'sleeping' Necron warrior*  
Tlanextic: For the hundreth time my Lord. We're fine.  
Lord Drake: So.. If I kick it. Nothing will happen?  
Tlanextic: I wouldn't push you-  
*Lord Drake kicks the Necron, Tlanextic winces, but nothing happens*  
Tlanextic: Come on my Lord. Please stop wasting time. We need to find some sort of control room so we can find the artifact we're waiting for.  
*Lord Drake glares at Tlanextic*  
Lord Drake: I'm only following your suggestion because it's a good idea.  
*They both turn away and start walking. Further along*  
Tlanextic: Yes My Lord?  
Lord Drake: What?  
Tlanextic: You poked me.  
Lord Drake: No you didn't.  
Tlanextic: Then who did?  
*They both turn around, for some reason, there's a 'sleeping' Necron standing upright at the wall. Lord Drake and Tlanextic exchange glances*  
Tlanextic: Where'd he come from?  
Lord Drake: He wasn't there a minute ago... Problably nothing.  
*Tlanextic eyes the Necron*  
Tlanextic: I don't know.  
*They start walking again, the Necron 'wakes up' and snickers to himself while they wander off. They eventually make it to a large room. There are two VERY large buttons. One is labeled 'do not touch', and the other is labeled 'please touch', and there's a third, much smaller, green button. Lord Drake walks over*  
Lord Drake: Please touch.. Don't touch.. don't see any more buttons.  
Tlanextic: I think you should leave those alone.  
Lord Drake: Nonsense. I should hit this 'please touch' button.  
Tlanextic: Are you sure you want to push that button? They clearly WANT you to push it. While they REALLY don't want you to push the other one.  
*Lord Drake considers this*  
Lord Drake: Hm. You have a point there sorceror.  
*Lord Drake presses the 'do not touch' button. A group of Necrons appear, and they surround Lord Drake and Tlanextic*  
Lord Drake: Tlanextic!  
Tlanextic: Hm. I appear to be wrong my Lord. Maybe you should hit the OTHER button. Although that might not be wise.  
*Lord Drake eyes Tlanextic*  
Lord Drake: Very well. But if your wrong.  
*Lord Drake pushes the 'please touch' button. Sounds are heard as the Monolith powers up*  
Tlanextic: Oh dear. I think they wanted us to press both of them.  
Lord Drake: Necron trickery!  
Tlanextic: There's a third button my Lord.  
Lord Drake: I don't see i-Oh.  
*Lord Drake pushes the button. The Necrons make whirring noises.. and their green lighting changes to purple*  
Necron: What the.  
Necron #2: Oh no. Not that but-  
Necron: Your... Potatos... Mal..function.  
Necron #3: Yes! Yes! Yes! Maybe! No? Yes! more! please! *explodes*  
Lord Drake: I... think it's time to go.  
*Tlanextic simply nods, and the both of them bump into a Necron Lord*  
Necron Lord: You have... happied... us from the... wonderful... Void Dragon.  
Tlanextic: would you just let us go?  
Necron Lord: No.. You... must.. Fiesta.  
*Tlanextic sighs*  
Tlanextic: Not again.  
Lord Drake: Didn't we have one of those last week?  
*Tlanextic shakes his head*  
Tlanextic: Look! An eagle?  
Necron Lord: Eagle?  
*All the Necrons look away. Lord Drake and Tlanextic run like hell. A Pariah notices*  
Pariah: My Lord! The living have--Have--have--have-The living are escaping.  
*Suddenly, the Monolith lights up with spotlights, glowsticks, and other various things. The Necrons drops their weapons, and start.. start*  
Tlanextic: Raving?  
*They both stop to look*  
Tlanextic: This universe is becoming less sane by the minute.  
Lord Drake: Wow. We broke them good.  
Tlanextic: Why in the world would they have that button?  
Lord Drake: Failsafe?  
Tlanextic: I'd like to meet this Void Dragon one of these days, and then ask him why the HELL would he do that.  
Lord Drake: Less talking. More running.


	5. Episode 5: IG 420

Lord Drake Misadventures 5!  
By: Vyce Dryke

* * *

  
Commisar: You LOST a Baneblade?  
IG #521: Well. Sir.. you see...  
Commisar: It's not like a set of car keys is it?  
IG #348: It's all 141's fault Sir.  
Commisar: Oh really? It's the size of a tank, how can THREE of you miss it?  
IG #141: I blame 420.  
*IG #420 blinks, having a blank stare.*  
Commisar: Number 420.  
*The Commisar waves his hand in front of #420's face.*  
Commisar: Number 420!  
IG #420: Whooooa... Dude.. Like, your hand. It's huge.  
Commisar: Was he the one driving?  
IG #141: Yeah.  
IG #348: Uh-huh.  
IG #521: totatlly.  
Commisar: Soldier, where is the Baneblade?  
IG #420: Dude. You mean the big tank with all the cannons?  
Commisar: Yes?  
IG #420: Dude... You see. I was tripping man, and I saw this tree. And it moved ot attack me! And I was like "Whoa.. The tree is like. Going to kill me." so I dodged the tree, and I fell off a cliff. And like. I tried to fly with the red button. Sooo... Now it's lost man. Sorry.  
Commisar: Sorry? SORRY!? You WILL be executed for this.  
IG #420: Can't I like. Make up for it somehow dude?  
*The three other Imperial Guardsmen start to back away*  
Commisar: There is NO excuse.  
IG #420: Uhm. Slaanesh made me do it?  
Commisar: You speak heresy sir!  
IG #420: He totally did. He came up to me and was like "Dude, you wana get high?" and I was like "totally man." And now I'm like "Whoa.. That's some good stuff dude."  
*The Commisar searches around for his gun, the other guardmen are gone.*  
IG #420: So like. He was telling me about the Emporer, and his wicked sick golden throne. And I was like "It's the Emporer man. I think he's still alive." And Slaanesh was all like "No dude. The Emporer is bad mojo." And he wanted me to go with him, but I was like "No Man. I totally need to drink this tank dude. It's so cool."  
*The Commisar still tries to find his gun.*  
IG #420: So. Commisar dude. Can I like. Hang out with you? I hear the higher ups smoke some big ones, if you know what I'm saying.  
Commisar: Stop. Talking.  
IG #420: You don't smoke dude? You totally need to relax man. It's bad feng sway. Swei. Swa. Duuuude. That's an awesome wor-*BLAM!*  
Commisar: And so you are made example of.  
*elsewhere.*  
IG #420: Duuude. Is this hell? If so. It's gnarly.  
*IG #420 looks around, Slaanesh is on a couch, the other Chaos gods are busy doing things.  
420: Duuuude. Are you like. The devil?  
Tzeentch: What in the...  
*Slaanesh hmms, and peeks around the corner.*  
IG #420: Heyy! It's that dude at the tree.  
Tzeentch: You know him?  
Slaanesh: Absolutely.  
Tzeentch: How'd he get here?  
Slaanesh: No idea. I think I'll have his soul though.  
IG #420: Whoooa. You want my soul? That's kinda mine dude. Not cool. Not cool at all. That's totally bogus.  
Tzeentch: Does he ever shut up?  
IG #420: So.. like. Where's the Emporer?  
Slaanesh: We don't hang out with him. Now hold still.  
IG #420: Duuude. Your BIG, it's like your going to pick me up. Whoa.. Let me go man.  
*Slaanesh sighs and shakes his head, flings the mortal into the air, and swallows him whole.*  
Tzeentch: Finally. He shut up.  
Slaanesh: Crazy mortals.

* * *

  
Azog: Today mi fellow Orks, I'm goin' ter teach ya da propa mevvod o' a tea party.  
Ork #1: I donz know boss, I donz tink I loike this tea fing.  
*Azog and an Ork are at a tea table. The Ork is holding a cup of tea while Azog holds it daintily, and with pinky out.*  
Ork #2: Yeah boss. I donz see da point o' this  
Ork #1: Iz it choppy?  
Azog: No. I'm afraid not.  
Ork #2: Iz it shooty?  
Azog: If ya chukk it at uumies, yea.  
Ork #3: iz it stompy?  
Azog: No, not at awl.  
Ork #2: So woss da point den?  
Azog: Y'knowz. I hab no idea.  
Ork #1: 'Aha. Ee doesn't know  
Ork #3: Sum boss he iz.  
Azog: Ya eiver follow mi lead, or I'll kills ya.  
Ork #2: Wot? Donz be sillee. Weez goin' ter getcha furst.  
*The first ork goes to jump at Azog.*  
Azog: Boot ter da 'ed.  
*The First Ork Falls over*  
Ork #1: Wot in da 'ell was dat?  
Ork #2: I donz know.  
*The second Ork grabs his shoota, and goes to use it. Azog throws the cup.*  
Ork #2: Ahhh! Mi eyz! It burns!  
Azog: Dat'll teach ya.  
Ork #3: I tink I'd ravva du da tea boss.  
Azog: Datz a gud Ork. There'z 'ope f'yaz yet.  
Ork #3: This bedda be word it boss.  
Azog: Nows. Furst. Ya take da cup. Loike so.  
*Azog holds the cup, with his pinky out, the remaining Orks does the same.*  
Azog: 'ey! Pinky owt.  
Orks: Oi. Yes Boss.  
Azog: Take. Sip. An wen in doubt. Pinky owt.  
Orks: Right Boss.  
Azog: Nows ya shud be per-pared fer next tea time. Ya boys kan go nows.

* * *

Techpriest: The Machine Spirits.. Are willing.  
Lord Corrak: So... You can't trape the Machine spirits?  
Techpriest: Goodness no, who are you to suggest such a thing?  
Lord Corrak: I. Am Lord Corrak. Slaanes-  
Lord Drake: Stop that.  
Lord Corrak: Stop what?  
Lord Drake: I know that look, stop staring at the Techpriest.  
Tlanextic: It's sickening.  
*Lord Corrak sighs.*  
Tlanextic: Remind we again why we're here?  
Lord Corrak: Something about a Baneblade falling from the sky.  
Tlanextic: They do that?  
Lord Corrak: Apparently.  
Lord Drake: I'd like to see that, raining Baneblades.  
Tlanextic: That's impossible.  
Lord Drake: When we come back to my Daemon world. I'm going to make it rain Baneblades.  
Tlanextic: Why in the hell would you do that? That's insane. We're going to lose out slaves and troops. Not ot mention the damage to buildings.  
Lord Drake: Well. Think of it this way. Plenty of tanks to go around.  
*Tlanextic shakes his head, Lord Corrak is again talking to the tech priest.*  
Lord Corrak: So. Can I grease your gears?  
Techpriest: Ugh. You have a filthy mind.  
Lord Corrak: Do you like it up the exhaust?  
Techpriest: I don't have an exhaust. I'm not that fully machine.  
Lord Corrak: If I took you to the body shop, can I buy you?  
Techpriest: Go away Slaaneshi scum.  
Lord Corrak: If I ate your soul, would it be metallic?  
*The Techpriest, fed up, whacks Lord Corrak with his Power Axe. Hard.*  
Lord Corrak: Oh mommy harder.  
*The Techpriest twitches, and hit him harder*  
Lord Corrak: Ooo. That actually tickled.  
*A big shadow starts forming over the two of them. Neither notice.*  
Tlanextic: Uhm. Lord Corrak.  
Lord Corrak: Not now Drake, I'm not moving. I'm busy.  
Tlanextic: But.  
Lord Corrak: No buts. *looks to the Techpriest* Except yours baby.  
Techpriest: The Machine Spirits will assist me.  
Lord Corrak: Sure they will, assist you with lubr-What's that sound?  
*The sound of something rather LARGE goign through the air whistling is heard*  
Techpriests: See? The Machine God will save me from the likes of you. I can hear him now.  
Lord Corrak: It's problably nothing.  
Tlanextic: Corrak...  
Lord Corrak: Interrupt me again.  
*Tlanextic sighs*  
Lord Corrak: Anyway. Wha-Wait. Where'd you go? Techpriest? Techpr-  
*THUNK*  
Tlanextic: That looks painful.  
Lord Drake: HAH. I TOLD you it could rain baneblades.  
*A Baneblade had fallen, apparently, from the sky, and crushed Lord Corrak*  
Techpriest: told you the machine spirits are willing.  
Tlanextic: I'm sure he's dead.  
Lord Drake: Dead?  
Tlanextic: He got flattened by a tank.  
Lord Drake: nonesense.  
Lord Corrak: It's only a flesh wound.  
Tlanextic: Of course it's a flesh wound. What would it do, hit the bone and completly miss your skin?  
Lord Corrak: I'm feeling better.  
Tlanextic: How in the hell did you survive that?  
Lord Drake: The same way we survived being shot by an Inquisitor over and over.  
Tlanextic: How!?  
Lord Drake: Plot armor.  
Tlanextic: We have a plot?  
Lord Drake: *looks to the skies* Apparently.  
Radio: And today's forecast calls for raining Baneblades.  
Lord Drake: What sort of plane-*WHAM*  
*Tlanextic blinks, Lord Drake got flattened by a Baneblade.*  
Tlanextic: I think I'm going to start runn-*WHAM*  
*The Techpriest grins*  
Techpriest: It's what you ge-*WHAM*  
*Baneblades falls from the sky, like rain. Hitting random people.*  
Tzeentch: Wow, this is fun.  
Slaanesh: My turn! My turn!  
Tzeentch: Never. Mine.  
Slaanesh: I'll sick Nurgle on you.  
Tzeentch: What?  
Nurgle: Nurgle?  
Slaanesh: Get him!  
Nurgle: Nurgle!  
Tzeentch: No. Nurgle. Let go! Get off me!  
*The Chaos gods are busy fighting themselves, and Drake, Corrak, and Tlanextic crawl out from under the tanks.*  
Lord Drake: Okay. time to go.  
*They start running, as Baneblades keep falling from the sky.*

* * *

Tzeentch: Okay. SO. What are we going to do next to the mortals?  
Khorne: Start an epic battle to destroy them all!  
Tzeentch: That's your answer to everything. Slaanesh?  
Slaanesh: A violent orgy!  
Tzeentch: That's YOUR answer to everything.  
Slaanesh: Is not. I suggest getting them high on drugs and such -sometimes-.  
Tzeentch: That too. Nurgle?  
Nurgle: Nurgle?  
Tzeentch: Remind me why I talk to you again? You walking pile of filth.  
Nurgle: Nurgle!  
Tzeentch: Oh stuff it down your esophogas.  
*Khorne throws a skull at Tzeentch*  
Tzeentch: Khorne! Stop DOING that. I swear, the three of you are as bad as children. If it isn't violence, sex, and drugs, it doesn't interest you.  
Nurgle: Nurgle!  
Tzeentch: I'm not even starting on you. You brain rotted AGES ago.  
Nurgle: Nurgle...  
Tzeentch: Don't give me that look. The puppy eyes will NOT work on me.  
Nurgle: *whines* Nurgle...  
Slaanesh: Awwl. Isn't he so cute?  
Tzeentch: He's the Chaos God of disease, he's NOT cute.  
Slaanesh: Aww. Poor widdle thing.  
Tzeentch: *eyerolls* I don't even see how he got into our 'club' of Chaos Gods.  
*Nurgle wanders off, not really caring.*  
Slaanesh: Didn't the Emporer try to apply?  
Tzeentch: Tried to. Turns out his soul is stuck to the Golden Throne. Not to mention we don't want -his- kind here.  
Slaanesh: We're busy enough as it is.  
Khorne: What ever happened to that guy Necoho?  
Slaanesh: The Doubter?  
Tzeentch: He doubted himself out of existance by his own followers. Sadly.  
Slaanesh: Man. What a way to go. Destroyed by your own ways.  
Khorne: What about Zuvassin? I wanted to kill him.  
Tzeentch: Same thing. He called himself the 'Great Undoer'. You can problably guess what happened to him  
Khorne: Malal?  
Tzeentch: You mean "The Lost God"? Yeah. We had him for awhile. But then he kinda got lost. I mean, they also call him "The Outcast God", because they thought we kicked him out. We didn't. He just wandered off one time and nobody has seen or heard of him for ages.  
Khorne: Damn.  
Slaanesh: I guess we're special then.  
Tzeentch: Special Ed.  
Khorne: Who's Ed?  
*Tzeentch sighs*  
Tzeentch: Nevermind.

* * *

Lord Drake: So. THIS is the Black Crusade.  
Lord Corrak: Parading about, I see, while on Cadia.  
Tlanextic: You'd think they'd be more concerned about the Imperials still running around.  
Lord Drake: I'm not familiar with all the major legions. Who're those fruits in the purple armor?  
*Tlanextic sighs*  
Tlanextic: Those are the Emporer's Children my lord.  
Lord Drake: Then what're they doing over here?  
Tlanextic: Slaanesh corrupted them, and then found it ironic to keep their name as is. Lord Corrak should be familiar with them.  
Lord Corrak: They used to be Space Marines led by the Primarch Fulgrim. Nobody really knows what happened to him. Problably a Daemon Prince.  
Lord Drake: I wonder is he knows.. Bhant.. llpo...  
Tlanextic: Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue?  
Lord Drake: Yes. That guy. Daemons are overrated anyway. Ugh. What's that smell?  
*Tlanextic grimaces*  
Tlanextic: That would be the Death Guard my lord.  
Lord Drake: Interesting name. Guarding death. Guarding from death?  
*Tlanextic shrugs*  
Tlanextic: Perhaps their new immunity to disease while having disease.  
Lord Drake: That makes no sense. Having disease and being immune at the same time.  
Tlanextic: Plenty of sense. They have it to infect more.  
Lord Drake: Oh. Well. Where's this leader guy? I'm less concerned about these other legions. I want to see the leader.  
Tlanextic: Abbadon?  
Lord Corrak: Abbadon?  
Lord Drake: Yesh. Abbadon.  
Abbadon: You rang?  
*The three jump and turn around to see Abbadon*  
Lord Drake: Where'd you come from?  
*Abbadon sighs*  
Abbadon: Everytime my name is said three times in a row, I appear behind them.  
Tlanextic: Why in the hell do you do that?  
Abbadon: I'm not sure. Tzeentch has been a bit of a prankster lately. It causes problems.  
Lord Drake: That's kind of pathetic.  
Abbadon: Say that again and I'll rip your arms off.  
Lord Drake: You can do that?  
Tlanextic: He seems tall enough to do it.  
Lord Drake: Hey. Uhm. Do you know this Daemon named Bhant... llpo.. potato... tomato...  
Tlanextic and Abbadon: Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue?  
Lord Drake: How do you DO that?  
Tlanextic and Abbadon: Trade secret.  
Lord Drake: STOP that.  
Tlanextic and Abbadon: Stop what?  
Lord Drake: Talking at the same time. It's creepy.  
Tlanextic: Oh.  
Abbadon: Sorry.  
Lord Drake: So do you know Bhantlbbqsauce?  
Tlanextic and Abbadon: Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue?  
Lord Drake: Yeah. Him. I'm just going to call him bbqsauce. And stop talking at the same time.  
Abbadon: He sounds familiar....  
*Abbadon glows*  
Abbadon: Ugh. Dammit. Not again.  
*Abbadon vanishes*  
Lord Drake: Huh. Wonder what that was about.  
*Elsewhere*  
Cultist #1: Abbadon, Abbadon, Abbadon.  
*Abbadon appears*  
Abbadon: What the. A chaos cult?  
Cultist #2: Abby!  
Cultist #3: I'm your BIGGEST fan.  
Cultist #1: Can I have you autograph?  
Entire cult: Abby! Abby! Abby!  
Abbadon: NOOOOOOOO!  
*meanwhile*  
Tlanextic: I'm sure he'll be fine.  
Lord Drake: What's that noise?  
*A 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO' is heard.*  
Lord Corrak: That sounds like...  
Tlanextic: Abbadon?  
Lord Drake: Abbadon?  
Lord Corrak: Yeah. Abbadon.  
*Abbadon appears, shuddering.*  
Abbadon: You saved me!  
*Abbadon glows*  
Abbadon: No. No! NOOOOOO-*poofs*  
Tlanextic: Oh dear.  
*Another 'NOOOOOOOOO' is heard.*  
Tlanextic: Interesting.  
Lord Drake: So... Does that make US the leaders of the Black Crusade now?  
Tlanextic: Perish the thought!  
Lord Corrack: He did drop his sword...  
*Lord Drake walks over and picks up Abbadon's sword.*  
Sword: Hey! Put me down!  
*Lord Drake drops the weapon, startled*  
Lord Drake: What in the... Talking sword!?  
Sword: Yes. I talk. I'm Drach'nyen.  
Tlanextic: That's a weird name.  
Drach'nyen: Not as weird as Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue  
Lord Drake: True.  
Tlanextic: I think we might have killed that joke.  
Lord Corrak: SHHH! Fourth wall.  
Lord Drake: I just noticed he has wank in his name.  
Drach'nyen: All that and your more converned with the word wank?  
Tlanextic: Welcome to my world.  
Drach'nyen: I want out. Where's that one guy?  
Lord Drake: Abbadon?  
Tlanextic: Abbadon.  
Drach'nyen: Yeah. That guy.  
Lord Corrak: No idea.  
Drach'nyen: So.. I would guess that would make YOU my new Master.  
Lord Drake: yes. Totattly.  
*Lord Drake picks up Drach'nyen*  
Tlanextic: NO. We're leaving it. I don't want YOU leading the Black Crusade OR having a talking sword about. Having a Slaanesh lord is bad enough.  
Drach'nyen: I can stay quiet.  
Tlanextic: No. That's what ALL talking swords say.  
Lord Drake: Quiet. All of you. This marks a GREAT beginning for Black Draconis. Let us lead the Black Crusade. All shall perish. LET THE GALAXY BURN! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!  
*Abbadon steals the sword*  
Abbadon: Give me that back. No Black Crusade for you. Bad Lord Drake.  
*Lord Drake grumbles, and Tlanextic breathes easier.*  
Lord Drake: Just you wait Abbadon.. One day... one day...


	6. Episode 6: Ork speciul

Lord Drake Misadventurz 6  
By: Vyce Dryke

Azog: Vyce can't currentlee communt. Ee az bin kidnappeded by me an mi boys an will return soon. In da meantime, mi WAAAGH! begins. Time fer stompin', shootin', an smashin'! S'an Ork speciul!

Da (mis-)adventurz o' Lord Drake an da Blak Draconis Kaos Space Marine Legion 6!

Da Cast

Lord Drake, Da Kaos lord, minyun o' Khorne: "Blood fer da blood god!"

Tlanextic, da Kaos Sorceror, minyun o' Tzeentch, loyul ter Lord Drake: "Are ya sur ya wan ter push dat buddon?"

Rheumwight, Da Cultist: Lord Drake'z kannon fodda minyun: "AHHH, MI SPLEUN!"

Malfunctionin' Necrons: "'A 'a 'a, ya sillee uumies"

Farewyth, da Inqwisitor: "Ya called meeb wot!? 'ERETIC! *BLAM!*"

Arafalas, da Eldar: "Wot!? Meeb donz eben gotsa qwote!"

Azog, Da Ork: "'ey! time fer tea an crumpets!"

* * *

Lord Drake: Abbadon. Abbadon. Abb-  
*Tlanextic whacks Lord Drake upside the head*  
Lord Drake: Stop hitting me! I want a talking sword.  
Tlanextic: No. If I have to put up with another idiot in this group. I'm going to scream.  
Lord Corrak: i'm not an idiot.  
Tlanextic: Right. Your a boob.  
Lord Corrak: I like those.  
*Tlanextic palmfaces*  
Lord Drake: I think he insulted you.  
*"Boot ter da 'ed" is heard in the distance*  
Tlanextic: What in the?  
Lord Drake: Sounds like an Ork.  
Lord Corrak: Ooo. I haven't done anything with an Ork before.  
Tlanextic: NO.  
Lord Drake: What have you done things with?  
Lord Corrak: More like what HAVEN'T I done things with.  
Lord Drake: What about Eldar?  
Lord Corrak: I remember one by the name Arafalas. I think someone broke his mind and he went Dark Eldar.  
*Tlanextic and Lord Drake look at each other*  
Lord Corrak: What?  
Lord Drake: Wow. I did that.  
Tlanextic: Cruel.  
Lord Drake: I'm proud of myself.  
*The "Boot ter da 'ed" sounds closer*  
Lord Drake: Wait. That Ork sounds familiar.  
Azog: Boot ter da... 'Ey. Wait a minute. I know ya.  
Lord Drake: Azog! The ruiner of my battle with tea parties. The Ork who painted me green and tricked my troops into making me look like an Ork.  
Lord Corrak: He did what?  
Tlanextic: It was hilarious.  
Lord Drake: Long story... What in the hell are you doing?  
Azog: Me? I'm bootin' uumies in da 'ed  
Tlanextic: Why? And how?  
Azog: Koz s'fun? An this iz 'ow. Boot ter da 'ed.  
*Tlanextic falls over, holding his head*  
Tlanextic: Ahhh... The pain... It must be some sort of psychic attack!  
Lord Drake: Or you just fail.  
Lord Corrak: Boot to the head.  
*Azog seems unphased*  
Azog: Ya missed. Nows s'my turn.  
Lord Corrak: I like pain. Do you worst.  
Azog: Boot ter da 'ead  
*Lord Corrak topples, moaning while writhing on the floor.*  
Azog: Datz a weird Kaos boy. Ee likz ter be in pain.  
Lord Drake: Boot to th-Wait a minute. Why am I doing it?  
*Lord Drake shakes his head, take his weapon and smack Azog with it*  
Azog: Goin' ter have ta try 'arder dan dat kaos uumie  
Lord Drake: Well. What in th-  
*A large shadow towers over them*  
Chaos Titan: Boot ter da 'ead.  
*The titan punts Azog, who flies through the air*  
Azog: WAAAGH!  
Lord Drake: Who in the hell are you?  
Chaos Titan: I am.. Bhant... pokeywank... bqqsuace.  
Tlanextic: Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue?  
Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue: How DO you do that?  
Tlanextic: Trade secret.  
Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue: Damn. Well. I'll be going now. I have more Orks to punt.  
*The three stare as the massive titan walks off*  
Lord Drake: bbqsauce exists?  
Tlanextic: I had no idea. *mumbles* Can't even pronouce his own name.

* * *

*The Orks are fighting the Imperial Guard*  
Azog: Git dat Kommisar's hat boys. I loike it. An wot I loike, I git.  
Orks: WAAAGH!  
Commisar: All sinners FEAR the Emporer's name.  
Azog: Wot? Sinnaz. Wotcha chatterin' ubbout ya sillee uumie?  
Commisar: An Ork? I don't converse with Orks, Xenos scum  
Azog: Well, if ya tink ubbout it, ter me, YER da Xenos scum  
*The Commisar ponders this*  
Commisar: Wait. Then I'm Xenos scum. *self-BLAM*  
Azog: Dat worked bedda dan I thoght it wuud  
*Azog takes the hat, and puts it on his head*  
Azog: Nows dat I haz this hat, s'time ter continue our WAAAGH!  
IG #521: Is that the commisar?  
IG #348: He looks a little green.  
IG #521: Maybe he's sick?  
IG #141: No you idiots, that's an Ork.  
*IG #781 runs by*  
IG #781: There's too many! I've never seen this many before! Sound the retreat.. Sound th-*BLAM*  
Commisar Kay: Stop your blabbering. Guardmen! I am Commisar Kay. Fear me and we shall fight in the imperium's name.  
IG #521: This one has a name  
IG #348: Gasp! I wonder what that means?  
IG #141: I've been here the longest and still don't have a name.  
IG #348: He must have plot armor.  
IG #141: Plot armor and smart are two diffrent things.  
IG #521: I bet he just rolls sixes.  
IG #348: Sounds like loaded dice to me.  
Kay: Less QQ. More pewpew.  
*The three guardsmen blinks*  
IG #521: What?  
Kay: Uhm. I mean. Let's go kill things.  
Azog: 'Ey. S'a uumie. Let'z kills it.  
Kay: Stand back foul Ork. I am empowered with the will of the Empo-  
Azog: Yap yap yap. Izzat awl ya du?  
Kay: Hey. That's rude.  
Azog: I donz du polite uumie. I du stompy. An speakin' o' stompy.  
*A roar is heard, and a Squiggoth flies through the air via giant catapult*  
Azog: Behold! Mi nyoo wepin! Da Sqwiggoth chukka!  
Kay: What in the name o-*WHAM*  
IG #348: So much for plot armor.  
IG #521: Must have rolled a one.  
IG #141: Ouch, we lose more commisars that way.  
IG #348: Shouldn't we be running.  
*IG #521, having never seens a Squiggoth before. Walks up to the creature*  
IG #521: Wow. This thing is huge. *The Squiggoth turns it's head, looking at #521*  
IG #521: Wow. What big teeth you have.  
*The Squiggoth roars*  
IG #521: What bad breath you have.  
*The Squiggoth stomps on #521*  
IG #521: Ow.. What big feet you have.  
IG #141: 521! moe!  
Ig #521: Oh I'm fi-  
*The Squiggoth grabs #521 in it's mouth*  
IG #521: Eek. What a big mouth you have.. that tongue feels won-  
*The Squiggoth tosses 521 into the air, and he goes down the thing's throat*  
IG #348: 521! Noooo!  
IG #141: Come on! Run!  
*The two high tail it*  
Azog: This base, an awl datz Iinnit iz mine! Awl da uvver uumies legged it. Loot da place boys, an we'll leave afterwards ter kills sum more.  
Orks: WAAAGH!

* * *

Lord Drake: I've noticed an increase in Orks around here.  
Tlanextic: I wonder why that is.  
Lord Corrak: Dunno.  
*An ork runs by*  
Ork: DAKKA!  
Tlanextic: That's a weird looking Ork.  
Lord Drake: Why is he purple?  
Lord Corrak: I don't know. Shoot him.  
*Lord Drake shoots the Ork with his bolter*  
Ork: Mm. MORE DAKKA!  
Lord Drake: Demanding thing.  
*Lord Drake keeps shooting at the Ork*  
Lord Corrak: Wait. Stop shooting.  
*Lord Drake stops*  
Ork: Hey! MORE DAKKA!  
Lord Drake: Why?  
Lord Corrak: I think I know why he wants more.  
Lord Drake: Why?  
Lord Corrak: Slaanesh Ork.  
Tlanextic: Wow. And I thought I saw everything.  
Lord Drake: What's next? Khonite Orks?  
*A red ork bumps into the purple Ork*  
Red Ork: WAAAGH! Kills dim awl!  
Tlanextic: I don't think I need to guess.  
Lord Drake: Nurgle Ork?  
*A brown Ork joins the madness*  
Tlanextic: Stop talking my Lord  
PO (Purple Ork): Ooo. Diseasz make meeb 'ot.  
BO: Wot? Ya wan ter be sikk? Ya kan 'ab it. I donz feel so well.  
RO: Well. Wot if I killed ya?  
*A blue ork is now around*  
BlO: Will ya trii behave? I'm tired o' awl da nonesense.  
*Tlanextic grins*  
Tlanextic: Now this is my kind of Ork. Tzeentch.  
PO: More Dakka?  
RO: meeb jus' wan ter kills sumthing.  
Blo: Well wot ubbout dem trii?  
BO: Ee looks funy. *Meaning Tlanextic.*  
RO: Ee smelies funy. *Meaning Lord Corrak.*  
PO: I wouldn't touch dat wif a ten foot pole *Meaning Lord Drake*  
Lord Drake: I wonder if I should be insulted.  
Lord Corrak: I would be. I like ten foot poles.  
*Tlanextic palmfaces*  
Tlanextic: Well YOU look funny.  
Lord Drake: What? I'm goi-  
Tlanextic: I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the Brown Ork.  
Lord Drake: Well he's brown.  
Lord Corrak: You know what that means?  
Tlanextic: He's full of sh-  
BO: 'Ey! Datz noy very nice.  
Tlanextic: You weren't being very nice.  
BO: Yer mug in't bein' very nice  
Tlanextic: Well you mom isn't very nice.  
BO: I donz eben gotsa mom! She died!  
Tlanextic: Really?  
BO: No. Jus' kiddin.  
Lord Corrak: And his mom is very nice. I would know.  
Tlanextic: That's disgusting.  
Lord Corrak: Green is best.  
*Tlanextic shudders*  
Tlanextic: Why does he still travel with us?  
Lord Drake: I don't know. I keep him around to annoy you, and I think he has the hots for you.  
Tlanextic: What!? But I thought he said.  
*Lord Corrak seems to be distracted witht he purple Ork*  
Lord Drake: Corrak! Dammit! Pay attetion.  
Lord Corrak: Such a cu-Lord Drake. I'm busy.  
Lord Drake: Your always 'busy'! If I find you in bed with that thing.  
Lord Corrak: You sure know how to ruin a Slaneesh Lord's wet dream.  
Lord Drake: We've got more important things to to do.  
Lord Corrak: Like what?  
Lord Drake: Torture Tlanextic.  
Lord Corrak: Like you need help with that.  
BlO: Red wuud ya stop... *BO has an axe in his head because of RO*  
RO: Wot? BlO: Nevermind. Violent scumbag. Lord Drake: My kind of person.  
Tlanextic + BlO: Can we go now?  
RO: I suppose. PO: Kan I 'ab yer numba?  
Lord Corrak: Call any time baby.  
Lord Drake: Crazed Orks.

* * *

Azog: 'Ey. 'Ow'd ya gerrout?  
Vyce: Admin hax? I had some help.  
*A Tzeentch greater daemon waves*  
Daemon: H. I'm Bob. I'm a greater daemon  
Azog: 'Oly 'ell Vyce: Yeah. Stop breaking the fourth wall.  
*Bob punts Azog*  
Azog: WAAAGH!  
Lord Drake: I'm sick of Orks.  
Lord Corrak: I would want an Ork WAAAGH yo be an orgy instead of a battle.  
Vyce: What? Hell no.  
Lord Drake: I want the Emporer to be a rubber chicken.  
Vyce: An idea to use for later. But not the Emporer.

Anyway. Freed from Orks. Normalcy restored. Assuming you can call this normal

* * *

*Black Draconis fights the Dark Eldar*  
Lord Drake: So these guys are like the Eldar, but dress as if Hot Topic started an armor clothing line.  
Tlanextic: Pretty much.  
Lord Corrak: Don't they torture? I love pain.  
Tlanextic: They find ways to remove that.  
Lord Corrak: It's a gift from Slaanesh, you can't remove that.  
Lord Drake: What sort of gifts does Slaanesh give?  
Tlanextic: I don't want to know.  
Lord Corrak: Oh. Stuff like twin-linked orgasms, extra.. err... bits, powerful screams, self-help cooks, time with Daemonettes and complimentary chocolates.  
Lord Drake: Chocolate?  
Tlanextric; I said I didn't want to know Lord Corrak: And then stuff like coffee, "I love Slaanesh" T-shirts, and Tupperware.  
Tlanextic: Tupperware?  
Lord Drake: Slaanesh throws Tupperware parties?  
Lord Corrak: Occasionally.  
Tlanextic: I swear reality isn't sane.  
Lord Drake: That Dark Eldar looks familiar.  
Tlanextic: We haven't fought/met the Dark Eldar yet. So how would he be familiar?  
Dark Eldar: Halt! You appear to be this force's leader. I sha-Oh no.  
Lord Drake: Oh yes.  
Arafalas: You have driven me to this!  
Lord Drake: Turning Emo?  
Arafalas: No! Your torturous ways have.  
Lord Drake: Force you to like sharp objects?  
Arafalas: What? No. To.  
Lord Drake: Remember. It's across the street, not down the road.  
Arafalas: Stop that! I'm Dark Eldar! Fear ne!  
Lord Drake: If you were grass, I wouldn't need a lawn mower.  
Arafalas: Stop picking on me! Take me seriously, you should be afraid.  
Lord Drake: You couldn't scare your way out of a paper bag.  
Arafalas: I have sharp objects!  
Lord Drake: For me or your arm?  
ArafalaS: I have slaves!  
Lrd Drake: You, slaves? Maybe for your pregnancy fetish.  
Arafalas: What? I have no such thing.  
Lord Drake: Is it your time of the month?  
Arafalas: Stop it. I just want you to take me seriously!  
Lord Drake: Sorry Eldar. But do you want to try last night again?  
Arafalas: *shudders* I'll spend my time elsewhere *sniffle* Just you wait! I'll be back.  
Lord Drake: With your back pinned to the wall.  
*Arafalas glares before running off*  
Lord Corrak: Wow Lord Drake. I didn't know you had it in you.  
Lord Drake: Oh. It's easy. So what's this about tupperware?  
Lord Corrak: They're these storage containers that...

* * *

Lord Drake: It's one of those cults again.  
Tlanextic: Why do they bother?  
Lord Drake: Hell if I know.  
Cultist: Our leader demands you come with use.  
Lord Drake: Your leader?  
Tlanextic: He's a waste of our time Lord.  
Lord Drake: And miss out on the fun? Goodness no.  
*They're taken to a cave. A group of cultists are worshipping something covered on a podium*  
Cultist #2: Our great leader!  
Cultist #3: We woship him above all other gods.  
Cultist #4: In his name we destroy  
Cultist: Come. Learn the error of your ways.  
Lord Drake: I'm so scared.  
*Tlanextic sighs and looks around. Lord Drake walks up to the podium*  
Lord Drake: Soo. Why is this covered?  
Cultist #3: We cannot look upon him.  
Cultist #2: It is said that his image is so pure it would blind our eyes to see it.  
Lord Drake: Oh? Who told you that?  
'Leader': I did.  
Lord Drake: Oh really?  
Tlanextic: Who brought you here?  
Leader: My prophet, Cultist Bob.  
Lord Drake: Hm. Why does that sound familiar. It should be important. Do you ever move?  
Leader: I need not to move. My followers do that for me.  
Tlanextic: Uh-huh.  
Lord Drake: Sooo.. What if I do.. THIS!  
*Lord Drake lifts the cloth, everyone looks away*  
Cultist #3: Ah! My eyes!  
Cultist #2: Wait. I'm not blind yet.  
Leader: Do not look upon me.. My vision of perefection is.  
Lord Drake: A rubber chicken?  
All else: What?  
*Lord Drake squeezes the 'leader' and it squeaks*  
Lord Drake: A rubber chicken.  
Leader: Fear me! Squeak!  
Lord Drake: Okay? Who's really in charge?  
*Lord Corrak bumbles into a fake wall, there's a cultist in the back.  
Leader: Pay no attention to-  
Cultist: Oh. Forget it. I am cultist Bob!  
Lord Drake: I thought I lost you at a meeting.  
Bob: No! I was in the shadows. Plotting revenge.  
Lord Drake: With a rubber chicken?  
Bob: He's a stand-in.  
Cultist #2: He lied to us.  
Cultist #4: He's no great leader.  
Bob: No! My fellows! We must destroy him! Why are you looking at me like that.  
Cultists: Get him!  
Bob: No. No! Nooo! My plans! Ruined! AAAAGH!  
Lord Drake: Problem solved.  
Tlanextic: So what about the rubber chicken?  
*Squeak*  
Lord Drake: Leave it. Come on. I have more important things to do.  
*as they leave, the chicken's eyes glow red*


	7. Episode 7: Thousand Sons

Lord Drake Misadventures 7

By: Vyce Dryke

* * *

Lord Drake: Former Inquisitor Nillris. Welcome to my chaos legion camp. I understand you wanted to learn the ways of the sorceror?  
Nillris: That is correct Lord.  
Tlanextic: He isn't trying to take my place, is he?  
Lord Drake: Tlanextic, I can't replace you. There's so much fun I'd miss out on.  
Tlanextic: I suppose. If by 'fun' you mean 'torture'.  
Nilris: Shall we begin?  
Lord Drake: We shall.

*Lord Drake brings Nillris to a large tent*

Lord Drake: THIS is the cultist tent. Communal and all that, we don't care enough about them until they get to meat shield status.

*Nillris nods, and a cultist walks out.

Nillris: HERETIC! *BLAM!*

*Lord Drake blinks.*

Lord Drake: What'd you do that for?  
Nillris: Apologies Lord. It's a hard habit to break.  
Lord Drake; As much as I like seeing my cultists suffer, it's considered rude around here to shoot someone for being a Heretic. When everyone is a heretic.  
Nillris: It won't happen agai-HERETIC! *BLAM!*

*Another cultist had left the tent, Lord Drake palmfaces and sighs.*

Lord Drake: STOP that.  
Nillris: Apologies.  
Lord Drake: Let's move on. This is Lord Corra-Khorne's Potatoes and Gravy!  
Lord Corrak: What?  
Lord Drake: What'd I say about random warp portals?  
Lord Corrak: Only do it inside?  
Lord Drake: No. Only do it in sanctioned fortresses. The inside part involves orgies.  
Lord Corrak: Of course. You can't have orgies without someone being inside som-  
Nillris: HERE-  
*Lord Drake whacks Nillris*  
Lord Drake; Stop that. You don't shoot at him either.  
Lord Corrak: You can shoot me. I like it. What's his name?  
Nillris: Nillris.  
Lord Corrak: Hello Nillris, I'm lord Corrak.  
Lord Drake: Corrak! Stop flirting.  
Lord Corrak: But I only introduced myself.  
Lord Drake: That's already too much.]\  
Lord Corrak: So where's this guy from?  
Lord Drake: Former Inquisitor, wants to be a sorceror.  
Lord Corrak: Doesn't that sound fishy?  
Lord Drake: No?  
Lord Corrak: Your hopeless.  
Lord Drake: Your face is hopeless.  
Lord Corrak: Your mom is hopeless.  
Lord Drake: WHOA. That's already too far.  
Nillris: Lord? The rest of the camp.  
Lord Drake: Right. Close the portal.  
Lord Corrak: Your face should close the portal.  
*Lord Drake and Lord Corrak glare at each other. Corrak blinks*  
Lord Drake: HAH! I win.  
Lord Corrak: Curses...  
*Lord Corrak closes the portal, and Lord Drake, along with Nillris, move along.*  
Lord Drake: Here is a summoned barracks. The slaves involved ar-By the skulls of Ultramar!

*A slave is impaled on one of the many spikes of the barracks. A few marines are laughing nearby.*

Nillris: HERE-

*Nillris gets whacked by Lord Drake.*

Lord Drake: STOP THAT!  
Nillris: Yes Lord.  
Lord Drake: I swear.. DRAGONSPIT!

*A Marine looks up.*

Dragonspit: Yes my lord?  
Lord Drake: Ten points for impaling someone. You lose five points for killing a slave and not finding a suitable replacement.  
Dragonspit: But! My Lord. Ten points was my promotion. To take that away from me would be cruel.  
Lord Drake: Cruel? Cruel!? You lose 50 points, and a reminder that your lucky your still alive.

*Dragonspit grumbles, and impales a few cultists*

Lord Drake: That's only 25 points.  
Dragonspit: My Lord!  
Lord Drake: Don't make me remove 25 points.  
Dragonspot: Yes my Lord.

*The two move on*

Lord Drake: This is th-Khornite Fishsticks! Put him down!

*A defiler had grabbed Nillris, and starts shaking him*

Lord Drake: Put him down! bad boy! Keep that up and I'll disassemble you.

*The defiler makes a whining noise.*

Lord Drake: He's one of ours. DOWN.

*The Defiler sighs and drops Nillris. Lord Drake pets a Defiler claw... carefully*

Lord Drake: Goood Defiler.  
Nillris: Ugh. What's this place?  
Lord Drake: The Defiler pen.  
Nillris: Can we go?  
Lord Drake: I suppo-

*A Predator tank rolls by and almost hits Nillris.*

Nillris: That's it! This place is too dangerous! I'm not here to join! I'm here to spy on you.  
Lord Drake: Huh?  
Nillris: I'm still loyal.  
Lord Drake: Tsk. And I wanted to shows you Tlanextic's room, I put up a few Britney Spears posters and horrible music. I wanted his reaction. Oh well. Here! Hug Rhuemwight.

*Lord Drake shoves Rhuemwight at Nillris*

Nillris: What is the meaning of this?  
Rhuemwight: AAAAUGH! MY SPLEEN!

*Rhuemwight exploeds, Nillris blinks, charred, before falling over.*

Lord Drake: Problem solved.  
Tlanextic: Where would you be without him?  
Lord Drake: Less amused

* * *

Tlanextic: Finally! For once I am not outnumbered.  
Lord Drake: Who are these guys?  
Tlanextic: Tzeentch's Thousand Sons!  
Lord Drake: He has a Thousand Sons?  
Lord Corrak: Someone's been busy. Bow Chicka Wow wow...  
Tlanextic: You fools, it has nothing do with that.

*Lord Drake shrugs and walks up to a Rubric Marine.*

Lord Drake: Hello?

*The Armor stays silent. Lord Drake knocks on it.*

Lord Drake: Anyone in there?  
Tlanextic: My Lord. Those are Rubric marines. They're practically puppets.

*Lord Drake waves his hand in front of the Marine's visor.*

Lord Drake: Useless.

*Lord Drake turns around. And the Rubric Marine hits him*

Lord Drake: Hey! Ow. Tlanextic? Did you see that?  
Tlanextic: See what my Lord?

*The Marine does it agian.*

Lord Drake: He did it again!  
Tlanextic: You must be losing your mind more Lord.

*Loud laughing is heard.*

Lord Drake: Who's there? Show yourself!

*A Sorceror melds from the shadows.*

Lord Corrak: Hi there. My name i-  
Lord Drake: Corrak!  
Lord Corrak: Whine whine whine. I'm innocently introducing myself.  
Lord Drake: Nothing's innocent with you! It starts that way, and before you know it I hear weird moaning sounds from your end of the Mobile Fortress.  
Lord Corrak: I didn't do it to Nillris...  
Lord Drake: Yeah you did. After he was dead.  
Lord Corrak: Hey. I wanted to try something new, and the body was still warm.  
Tlanextic: Ewww...  
Sorceror: Ahem.  
Lord Drake: Oh. Right. You are?  
Sorceror: Behold! I am the great sorceror Ahriman!  
Tlanextic: You seem taller in pictures.

*Ahriman only goes up to Lord Drake's chest.*

Lord Drake: Hey. I heard of you...  
Ahriman: Oh? I mean. Of course you have!  
Lord Drake: Aren't you the guy from Highlander?  
Ahriman: What? No!  
Lord Drake: The Terran Artist?  
Ahriman: No!  
Tlanextic: He's the chief librarian of the Thousand Sons.  
Ahriman: Somebody knows my grea-  
Lord Drake: I remember now. It's the guy who tried to escape Tzeentch's gifts bu using a spell that horribly backfired and got kicked out?  
Ahriman: Don't remind me of my failures!

*Lord Drake shoves Ahriman*

Lord Drake: Or what. Shorty?  
Ahriman: I'll destroy you!  
Lord Drake: With what army? The amazing family circus over there?

*Ahriman's staff glows. All the Marines move into battle positions*

Ahriman: Ye-Wait. No. Don't insult my army.  
Lord Drake: They're taller than you. So you must be CLEARLY compensating for something.  
Lord Corrak: Ooo... Burn...  
Tlanextic: Excuse me. But. My Lord, we can't afford a fight with them.  
Lord Drake: I can knock these guys over like bowling pins.  
Tlanextic: Did you ever find the Black Library?  
Ahriman: I did, but by the time I found it they relocated. All I found was a note in purple crayon taunting me, the book "An idiot's guide to the webway", and a pair of platform shoes.  
Lord Drake: So they know your a midgit?  
Lord Corrak: Midgits are fun.  
Lord Drake: Everything with you is fun.  
Lord Corrak: So?  
Ahriman: AHEM.  
Lord Drake: Yes Shorty?  
Ahriman: stop. calling. me. shorty!  
Lord Drake: Not. on. your. life. shorty.

*Ahriman raises his staff, Lord Drake changes to the size of a Games Workshop miniature.*

Ahriman: Who's the shorty now?  
Lord Drake: Do something!

*Tlanextic gives Lord Drake a blast template and a pair of dice.*

Tlanextic: Did something.  
Lord Drake: What am I supposed to do with this?  
Tlanextic: use your imagination.

*Lord Drake places the blast template on Ahriman's boot and rolls the dice. He eyes the dice, and Tlanextic reads them, grabs both Chaos Lord. And hightails it.*

Ahriman: It's just a blast template! What harm can it do?

*A whistling sound is heard*

Ahriman: Oh you've got to be..

*BOOM*

* * *

Chaos Slave: I-I'm here to serve, my Lord.  
Lord Corrak: What will you do?  
Chaos Slave: Whatever you desire..  
Lord Corrak: Ooo.. I like you.  
Chaos Slave: I try to do you will...  
Lord Corrak: Where do you want it?  
Chaos Slave: Anywhere you like Lord.  
Lord Corrak: Nnngh... Come on. You can do better.  
Chaos Slave: Yes, Yes! We will work Faster.  
Lord Drake: CORRAK!

*Lord Corrak groans*

Lord Corrak: Can't you see i'm busy?  
Lord Drake: Stop raping my slaves.  
Lord Corrak: You can't rape the willing.  
Lord Drake: They're slaves. they're ALL willing.  
Lord Corrak: Your point?  
Lord Drake: I need him for other things?  
Lord Corrak: Like?  
Lord Drake: Sacrifices.  
Lord Corrak: I'm sacrificing him on m-  
Lord Drake: not like that. I need buildings built! Daemons Summoned! A Subway sandwhich to eat!  
Lord Corrak: Well, get another one.  
Lord Drake: Khorne wants that one.  
Lord Corrak: Khorne can go screw hi-

*A skull hits Corrak.*

Lord Corrak: What in the?  
Lord Drake: Khorne has gotten into the habit of throwing skulls at those he dislikes.  
Lord Corrak: When did he start that?  
Lord Drake: The last Tupperware party.  
Lord Corrak: Ah.  
Lord Drake: Your still...  
Lord Corrak: I know.  
Lord Drake: Move?  
Lord Corrak: Uhnnn.. Okay.  
Lord Drake: Ugh. Dirtying my slaves.  
Lord Corrak: You can have him now.  
Lord Drake: No. Keep Him. I don't want him anymore.

*Lord Drake sighs and leaves the room.*

Lord Corrak: Yes! I have another slave. This is more effective and pleasurable than I thought!


	8. Episode 8: Dawn of War

**Lord Drake Misadventures 8**  
By: Vyce Dryke

* * *

Lord Bale: SINDRI!  
Sindri: Ugh. Yes Lord Bale?  
Lord Bale: Do the dishes.  
Sindri: Yes Lord Bale...

*later*

Lord Bale: SHARO-*ahem* SINDRI!

*Sindri walks in, wearing cultist garments.*

Lord Bale: Your not Sindri. Who the hell are you?  
Sindri: Just a lowly cultist, my Lord.  
Lord Bale: Where's Sindri?  
Sindri: uhm. He's currently unaviailiable.  
Lord Bale: Why?  
Sindri: Uhm. He's busy being a plushie. See?

*Sindri pulls out a Sindri plushie. Lord Bale arches an eyebrow. Sindri pulls the string in the back*

Sindri Plushie: All power demands sacrifice  
Lord Bale: Hmm...

*Sindri pulls the string again*

Sidri Plushi: Lord Bale was foolish beleiving himself in control.  
Lord Bale: Wait a minute... SINDRI  
Sindri: Wait.. wait. There's a better one!  
Sindri Plushie: Bear witness to my ascension!

*Lord Bale Rips off Sindri's cultist garments.*

Sindri: Uhm.. Uhm.. I assure you... I don't mean it my Lord.  
Lord Bale: SINDRI! Your assurences leave me cold!  
Lord Drake: What is this? Sindri this. Sindri that.  
Macha: Really. It gives me a headache.  
Lord Bale: Foul Eldar!  
Macha: I bathed today!  
Lord Drake: how long have...?  
Macha: Long enough. When the Blood Ravens left, Tzeentch decided to.. 'respawn' us.  
Sindri: Since then I have...  
Macha: Becomes Lord Bale's bitch.  
Tlanextic: Did you try t-  
Lord Bale: Another treacherous Sorceror! They're all the same! SIND-  
Sindri: Do shut up my Lord.

*Sindri hits his staff on the groud. Lord Bale is still talking, but with no sound and subtitles over his head.*

Tlanextic: The hell?  
Sindri: Whoops.

*Sindri raises his staff, Lord Bale loses his substitles.*

Sindri: How'd you get here?  
Lord Drake: We're exploring the warp.  
Tlanextic: When he says 'exploring' he really means 'getting lost'. Let's just use the warp portal we came from.  
Sindri: Freedom?

*Lord Drake and Tlanextic enter the portal. Sindri attempts to go through the portal, it closes in his face.*

Sindri: NOOOOO!!!!  
Lord Bale: SINDRI!  
Captain Kirk: KHAAAAAN!  
Khan: KIIIIIIRK!  
Sindri, Lord Bale, and Macha: huh?

* * *

Lord Crull: Know this! What will come to pass is no longer war! It is endless sacrifice in his name! Blood for th-OOF!

*Lord Crull is tackled by Lord Drake.*

Lord Crull: What is the meaning of this?  
Lord Drake: I'm a fan. Autograph. Now.

*Lord Crull arches an eyebrow, sighs, and starts signing.*

Lord Corrak: So who are these guys?  
Tlanextic: From the looks of it. It's Lord Crull and his World Eaters legion.  
Lord Corrak: They eat planets!?  
Tlanextic: No! They used to be loyal.  
Lord Corrak: Huh. I'd hate to be the average Imperial citizen when it's annouced the World Eaters are coming.  
Tlanextic: Good thing you no-  
Lord Crull: Blood for the blood god!  
Lord Drake: Blood for the blood god!!  
Lord Crull: Blood for the blood god!!!  
Lord Drake: Blood for the blood god!!!11!one1!1!

*A skull hits the both of them.*

Khorne: Shut up already! I'm on lunch break!  
Tlanextic: Chaos Gods have lunch breaks?  
Tzeentch: How else do I keep my sanity?  
Slaanesh: Lunch break? More like... SCORE break!

*Collective groan*

Slaanesh: It was funnier in my head.  
Tzeentch: Nurgle is on permanent lunch break. The last time he was in the fridge, there were mutations on the food that even I cannot conjure up.

*Elsewhere*

Taldeer: Who are these newcomers?  
Ranger: I do not know. But should you know this?  
Taldeer: I have not forseen this.  
Ranger: You have not forseen many things recently, Farseer.  
Taldeer: What are you implying?  
Ranger: That you lost your touch?  
Taldeer: I foresee you having a tragic death at the hands of the Avatar.  
Ranger: Khaine? Killing Eldar? Don't be sil-*SWOOP*

*The Avatar removes the Ranger's head from his shoulders.*

Taldeer: Anyone ELSE doubt me?

*Crickets chirp*

Avatar: Uhm. Taldeer?  
Taldeer: yes?  
Avatar: Can I go back to making waffles?  
Taldeer: No. Your supposed to be the war god, not the god of waffles.  
Avatar: I want to be the god of waffles.  
Taldeer: No! Bad Khaine.  
Avatar: But.. but.. waffles.  
Taldeer: No!  
Avatar: Wait. Why am I following your orders?

*The Avatar kills Taldeer*

Caerys: Taldeer? Taldeer!? TAAAAALDEER!  
Tzeentch: You fool! You just created a time paradox!  
Avatar: Huh?  
Tzeentch: You can't just change the future like that!  
Slaanesh: Sooo... Taldeer dies before she's supposed to... Caerys will die later... So who'll take her place?

*Later, in Soulstorm*

Arafalas: I now rule Kaurava! Now they HAVE to take me seriously.

*Meanwhile.. back in Winter Assault.*

Lord Drake: Why do I feel a disturbance in the warp?  
Tlanextic: Problably nothing. Let's go back to the portal, get back to our own place.. and.. time.

* * *

Lord Drake: So.. this is.. Kronus?  
Tlanextic: Yes.  
Lord Corrak: it looked better in the brochure.  
Lord Drake: Wait..  
Tlanextic: So.. Where is Eliphas?  
Eliphas: Hello boys and girls!  
Lord Corrak: Females? Where?  
Lord Drake: I beleive he must mean you Tlanextic.  
Eliphas: How are you all today?  
Lord Drake: Have you lost your mind/  
Eliphas: Shhh! The daemons are listioning!  
Lord Drake: Huh?  
Lord Corrak: Daemonettes?  
Eliphas: The daemons! They're coming!

*Eliphas flees. The three remaining steel themselves for what's coming.*

Lord Drake: It's a...  
Tlanextic: It's so horrible....  
Lord Corrak: A rabbit!?

*They all look. The ferocious daemon that scared a Word Bearer Chaos Lord, is in fact, a rabbit.*

Lord Drake: What the hell?  
Tlanextic: Well.. Well.. It's the mythical plague rabbit.  
Lord Drake: Plague rabbit.?  
Tlanextic: Observe. Corrak?

*Corrak has already made his way to the rabbit*

Lord Corrak: Why hello there. My name i-  
Lord Drake: CORRAK!  
Tlanextic: I think he just sunk to a new low.

*Lord Corrak pets the rabbit, said rabbit bites off his hand by extending it's mouth impossibly large.*

Loes Corrak: Oooohhh... My hand!  
Lord Drake: Oh dyam..  
Tlanextic: It all makes sense now.  
Lord Drake: So. What do you we do?  
Tlanextic: Behold! My ultimate weapon against Nurgle-things.

*Tlanextic produces a bar of soap.*

Lord Drake: Soap!?  
Tlanextic: Nurgle hates soap. Lord Corrak. If you please?

*Lord Corrak takes the soap, walks over to the rabbit, and it bites off the hand holding the soap.*

Lord Corrak: MmmRmmm...

*The rabbit starts expanding, and eventually explodes into bubbles.*

Eliphas: Thank you! Now I can continue the Dark Crusade!

*elsewhere in Dark Crusade.*

Caerys: We cannot hold them!  
Arafalas: You should stay here. To buy us time and keep the webway open!  
Caerys: No! We must all survive.  
Arafalas: It is... Your destiny...  
Caerys: My.. Destiny...

*Arafalas smirks, and flees to the webway.*

* * *

Lord Drake: The Sisters of Battle!  
Lord Corrak: Chicks in chainmail?  
Lord Drake: I hear they're obsessed with fire.  
Lord Corrak: So... Flaming chicks in chainmail? I like Lesbians.

*Lord Drake groans as Lord Corrak approaches a Sister.*

Lord Corrak: Great legs. What time do they open?  
Sister: Chaos Swine!

*The Sister slaps Lord Corrak, and walks away. Lord Corrak sits up, moaning lightly before walking into a penitent engine. Seeing the Sister inside, he clears his throat.*

Lord Corrak: That shirt is VERY becoming of you. Of course, if I was on you, I'd be coming too.  
Penitent Sister: You pig!

*The Sister slaps Lord Corrak, and then stomps on him before leaving. Lord Corrak takes a moment to recover, and bumps into an Immolator Tank*

Lord Corrak: Hey. A tank. Female driver? Hey, is your last name Gilette? Because your the best a man can get.

*The Sister driving the tank steps out, slaps Corrak, stomps on him when he fals, and then gets back in the tank, and burns him before driving off*

Lord Corrak: Mmm.. Tough love...

*He gets back up, and bumbles into a Rhino.*

Lord Corrak: Well... Chicks in cans. Hey girls, are you tired? Because you've been running in my mind all day.

*The Rhino back door opens up, a squad of Sisters walk out. They each slap him, stomp on him, burn him, and then they all get back in the Rhino and it runs him over before driving off.*

Tlanextic: This is getting out of hand.  
Lord Drake: Corrak!  
Lord Corrak: Give me five minutes... *collapses*

*Elswhere in Soulstorm*

Arafalas: Excellent! They're here! My plans are slowly coming to fruition.

* * *

*On the Tau moon*

Lord Drake: Oooo.. BIG cannon.  
Tlanextic: Stay away from that!

*Lord Drake ignores Tlanextic and walks up to the cannon, looking through the sights*

Lord Drake: Let's see.. Kaurava II.. Orks.. HAH! There's Azog!

*On Kaurava II*

Azog: So I say to the human, "Do you want to go on Vacation?" And he says "Vacation? Where?" And I say "To the pokeanose" and I poked him on the nose. Then his Commisar saw him talking to me, and the Commisar shoots him.  
Ork: Haha. That's funny Boss.  
Azog: That's right... Hey! What are YOU doing?

*There's a Purple Ork with a Carnifex, said Carnifex has a large bone in his mouth*

Purple Ork: This is my puppy.  
Azog: Isn't that too big to be a puppy?  
Purple Ork: He likes to give hugs.  
Azog: What's that noise?  
Purple Ork: He's purring.

*Azog eyes the Carnifex, who is indeed purring*

Azog: No. Not THAT noise.

*Azog points up*

Azog: THAT noise.

*A massive ball of energy collides into the ground. Orks fly everywhere.*

*On Kaurava I*

IG #151: What in the...  
IG #521: Holy Emperor. No wonder the sky looks funny.

*On Kaurava III*

Arafalas: Huh. Green rain. How strange.  
Avatar: Hmm... Ork Waffles...  
Arafalas: No!

*On Kaurava II*

Indrick Boreale: Emperor's Gravy Bowl! The Orks have discovered how to use out 'Steel Rain' strategy!  
Ezra: We're doomed!

*On Kaurava IV*

Lord Carron: What in the? The Orks come form orbit to battle!  
Alpha Legion Sorceror: Such strange rain. Tzeentch must be playing his tricks again and making Orks fall from the sky.

*Back on the Tau moon*

*Tlanextic palmfaces*

Tlanextic: Now there are Orks everywhere. I hope your happy.  
Lord Drake: Did you SEE that?  
Lord Corrak: That was awesome!  
Lord Drake and Lord Corrak: EXCELLENT!

*Both Chaos Lords play air guitar and a guitar riff sounds off*  


* * *

Tlanextic: THIS is the map of the Kaurava system.'  
Lord Drake: Four planets...  
Lord Corrak: And only a few territories each?  
Lord Drake: Small planets.  
Lord Corrak: And maybe small other things.  
Tlanextic: Someone is coming.

*The Avatar knocks down the door, Arafalas follows*

Lord Drake: Arafalas! We meet again.  
Arafalas: Behold! I rule this system.  
Lord Drake: This system? Seems boring to me. I don't care.  
Arafalas: The Farseers decree victory for me!  
Lord Drake: They also decree your compensating for something.

*The Avatar snickers*

Arafalas: Shush you!  
Lord Drake: Hey! Corrak! There's a frilly Eldar here.  
Lord Corrak: I like thos... Hey bab-  
Arafalas: Get away from me!  
Lord Corrak: Would you hold you bod-  
*For some reason, a penitent engine storms in, slaps Lord Corrak, stomps him, burns him, and somehow runs him over.*  
Lord Corrak: Mmm. The Pain! I love it!  
Arafalas: That was random.

*The Penitent engine walks over to the Avatar*

Penitent sister: Hey babe. When do your legs open?

*The Avatar burns the Sister, slaps her in the face, stomps on her, and then runs her over somehow.*

Avatar: Foul humans...  
Arafalas: Respect me!  
Lord Drake: I wouldn't respect you, EVEN if you were a Chaos God.  
Arafalas: Just you wait. I will!  
Lord Drake: Do you want Tupperware?  
Arafalas: NO!  
Lord Drake: I found your Girl Scout uniform.  
Arafalas: That's not mine!  
Lord Drake: For some reason you smell like Corrak.  
Arafalas: I did NOT sleep with him!  
Lord Drake: I never said that.  
Tlanextic: Who HASN'T sleep with Corrak?  
Lord Drake: Hmm... Myself.... You... Khaine?

*The Avatar looks away, whistling*

Lord Drake: By the gods!  
Lord Corrak: Uh-huh.  
Lord Drake: That's... amazing.  
Lord Corrak: The burning makes it more fun.  
Arafalas: Me! Me! Attention!  
Lord Drake: Attention. Attention.... Calling all cars. Arafalas likes it up the arse.  
Arafalas: You son of a...  
Lord Drake: Don't talk about your mother like that.  
Arafalas: Leave my mother out of this!  
Lord Drake: Your a waste of my time.  
Arafalas: I'm important!  
Lord Drake: Abbadon, Abbadon, Abbadon!  
Abbadon: What in the.. Where am I now?  
Lord Drake: Lord Corrak... Out of curiosity...  
Lord Corrak: Yeah. I did.  
Lord Drake: Wow.  
Lord Corrak: You wouldn't know it. But Abbadon is SUCH a bottom.  
Arafalas: Hello?  
Abbadon: Did someone say something?  
Lord Drake: Nope.  
Arafalas: Abbadon!  
Abbadon: There it goes again.  
Lord Drake: Sounds like an insignificant Eldar.  
Abbadon: Oh, I hate those things. I can't hear them because they're below my notice.  
Arafalas: But my Master plan!  
Abbadon: Don't care. Hey. This place is ripe for the taking.  
Arafalas: Those are mine!

*Arafalas falls through the floor*

Lord Drake: Ooops. Airlock.  
Tlanextic: Why don't you just kill him?  
Lord Drake: And ruin my fun? Hardly.

*Lord Corrak is by the Avatar*

Lord Corrak: So babe. Want to go again?

*The Avatar blushes and giggles*

Abbadon: So. I'm off to rule this sector.  
Drach'nyen: I avoid you again!  
Lord Drake: Curses!

*Abbadon glows*

Abbadon: Ah hell.


	9. Episode 9: Black Dragons

**Lord Drake Misadventures 9**  
By: Vyce Dryke

* * *

Lord Drake: We have defeated out enemies...  
Ezra: Not.. yet...  
Lord Drake: Captain Ezra of the Black Dragons.  
Ezra: Heh.. Foul traitor..  
Lord Drake: Join us.. we have cookies.  
Ezra: Your cookies can't tempt me, I'm nev-What's that noise?

*Strange moaning noises are heard behing Lord Drake. Lord Drake quickly turn around, enraged at being interupped. He sees two Bezerkers, standing next to each other and nothing nothing but idling.*

Lord Drake: What in the warp are you two doing?  
Bezerker 1: Nothing Sir.  
Bezerker 2: Just standing around and uhm... enjoying the countryside.  
Lord Drake: I'm watching you.

*Lord Drake turns around.*

Ezra: I'll never turn!  
Lord Drake: Then I'm afraid I must destro-

*The moaning noises start again, Lord Drake quickly turns around.*

Lord Drake: Ah-hah! Caught... You?

*The two Berzerkers are once again doing nothing unusual.*

Bezerker 1: Doing what?  
Bezerker 2: Nothing, to be honest.  
Lord Drake: I could have sworn I heard moaning.  
Bezerker 2: What do you think we are? Noise Marines.  
Bezerker 1: Haha! That's funny.. Noise Marines... Heh.. heh...  
Lord Drake: Or maybe Corrak is a bad influence.

*Lord Drake turns away slightly, and moaning noises are heard again, Lord Drake turns around*

Lord Drake: Caught y-Khorne's holy underpants! Insolence! Disgusting! Heresy! I'm done here.

*Lord Drake walks away*

I'll let this Screenshot speak for itself

* * *

Lord Drake: Khorne's gravy train! The Black Dragons are here!  
Tlanextic: Our sworn arch-nemesis.  
Arafalas: I thought I was your Arch-Nemesis.  
Lord Drake: Nobody cares about you!  
Tlanextic: How'd you get here anyway? Are you stalking us?  
Arafalas: No. And it's a Trade Secret.  
Lord Drake: Well go away, you were in the last batch.  
Tlanextic: *Hisses* Fourth wall my Lord.  
Lord Drake: The fourth wall can screw itself.  
Lord Corrak: Can I help?  
Tlanextic: *Groans* It's not a physical wall.  
Lord Corrak: Well.. Can I...  
Tlanextic: No!  
Lord Corrak: I'll just get those cute Bezerker twins then!  
Lord Drake: You can corrupt my slaves and my cultists, but I'll be damned if I let you corrupt my Bezerkers and Chaos Space Marines.  
Lord Corrak: Where's the fun in that?  
Lord Drake: Khorne will throw a fit!  
Lord Corrak: He's on Lunch Break.  
Black Dragons: AHEM!  
Lord Drake: I'm busy! Go hang out with the Imperial Templar* or something.  
Black Dragons: They're busy training.  
Lord Drake: They're always training!  
Tlanextic: Maybe we should follow their example?  
Lord Drake: What? Worship the corpse-emperor and walk around like we own the entire universe, declaring everyone and everything else as heretics. Including but not limited to my toaster!  
Tlanextic: No. Training. They do best us at every turn.  
Lord Drake: Well too bad! I like my toaster in one peice thank you! And I'm full aware of their beating us.  
Tlanextic: not to mention the Tau.  
Lord Drake: Don't get me started on their 'Greator Good' I will NOT follow that.  
Tlanextic: I suggest no such thing Lord.  
Lord Drake: They got lucky.  
Tlanextic: Luck has nothing to do with it! We lost squads of troops!  
Lord Drake: Don't patronise me Sorceror!  
Black Dragons: Get on with it already!  
Lord Drake: I said I'm busy! Go pick on the Orks or something.  
Black Dragons: They kinda vanished after we killed them all here.  
*Arafalas, tired of being ignored, storms away while skipping like a frilly Eldar.*

And so, without furthur ado, there was a grand battle. Both groups fight valiantly, but due to lower numbers, the Black Dragons bravely ran away.

Ezra: We didn't run away! It's called a tactical retreat.

Who is telling the story here? Stop breaking the fourth wall and keep quiet.

*Ezra Grumbles*

I heard that!

* * *

Tlanextic: My Lord, the Necrons are coming.  
Lord Drake: This group seems... familiar.  
Tlanextic: Oh no.

*A Necron Warrior comes forth*

Necron Warrior: Hello funny Chaos thingy.  
Lord Drake: Well if it isn't the Necrons we broke...  
Necron Warrior: We're not broken. We're perfectly fine.  
Tlanextic: Then why is your arm gone?

*The Necron Warrior looks*

Necron Warrior: It's only a flesh wound.  
Tlanextic: You don't even have flesh!  
Necron Warrior: Silence! Our Dread Lord approaches.

*Indeed, the Necron Lord appears from the distance, coming into sight. Riding on his magnificent steed, the terrible, horrible, disturbing...*

Tlanextic: Is that a Necron Scarab he's riding?  
Necron Lord: Beware! My masterful steed will run you down!

*The Necron Lord is in a Scarab, which is moving rather slowly towards the two followers of Chaos*

Necron Lord: Once.. I reach you..

*Tlanextic sighs and glances at his chronometer.*

Ten Minutes Later...

*The Necron Lord on his Scarab bumps into Lord Drake, barely even moving him.*

Lord Drake: Was that supposed to hurt?  
Necron Lord: Noooo! My steed has failed me!  
Tlanextic: I swear, the galaxy is insane.  
Lord Drake: This'll be easier than I thought!  
Necron Lord: Oh ho ho. Not so! Call in... the Monolith!

*Tlanextic nearly drops his staff, Lord Drake stares and gulps*

Necron Lord: Yes.. Yessss... It will destroy you... It comes!

*The Necron Lord turns, and the massive Monolith ponders forward. It's form was huge, glistening off of the sun from above. It's cannons turned and aimed at the two followers. It's shape looms closer, massive, terrible, something to be feared... It's...*

Tlanextic: Oh no.. it's.. wait.. An Igloo!?**  
Lord Drake: It's.. made of ice... Hah... Haha... WAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
Necron Lord; Do NOT laugh! It's weapons are operational!

*The Igloo Monolith turns it's cannons, aiming square at the laughing Lord Drake, who suddenly stops as it fires it's lethal rounds of...*

Lord Drake: Those Ice Cubes tickle.  
Necron Lord: What? You are strong indeed!  
Necron Pariah: My Lord. The Mortals are too strong.  
Necron Lord: Will you STOP that? I don't pay you to repeat what I say.  
Necron Pariah: My Lord... You don't.. pay me at all.  
Necron Lord: Well all the same, stop.  
Necron Pariah: Yes my Lord.  
Necron Lord: Shush!  
Necron Pariah: Yes m-  
Necron Lord: SHH!  
Necron Pariah: Y-

*The Necron Lord rips off a large cube of ice from the Igloo Monolith, and bashes the Necron Pariah into peices.*

Necron Lord: There. Now you can't talk.  
Necron Pariah: Yes m-  
Necron Lord: RAAAH!

*The Necron Lord smashes the Necron Pariah into smaller peices.*

Tlanextic: Hmmm... Those come off easily.  
Lord Drake: What is this? Jenga? Dragonspit!  
Dragonspit: Yes my Lord?  
Lord Drake: Take your squad and pull off all the peices of their.. Igloo... Monolith.  
Dragonspit: Your will be done.

*Dragonspit waves his squad over, a Defiler following. They disassemble the Igloo Monolith, The Necron Lord and his Necron Warriors try to stop them, but their 'Attack Scarabs' fail them as they keep bumping into Marine and Daemon-posessed machine. The monolith collapses in on itself, and the Defilers torch the remains.*

Necron Lord: Nooo! My Monolith! Our ice tactics have failed! They do not work on you.  
Lord Drake: They worked on others?  
Tlanextic: Problably too confused to react.  
Necron Lord: The Orks faltered before us!  
Tlanextic: Probably ignored you because your no threat.  
Necron Lord: They ran!  
Tlanextic: Likely left to find a better opponent.  
Necron Lord: Lies!  
Lord Drake: Dragonspit! Get these things out of my sight!  
Dragonspit: I do your bidding Lord.  
Necron Lord: No! Let go! I WILL destroy you! I WILL BE BA-

*Dragonspit beats the Necron Lord with a large cube of ice, causing it to shut down*

Dragonspit: Shut up you.  
Tlanextic: So... Now what?  
Lord Drake: Don't know.. I thi-CORRAK!  
Lord Corrak: What?  
Lord Drake: Stop making Daemonette ice statues!  
Lord Corrak: But they're for Slaanesh Drake.  
Lord Drake: I'll Slaanesh you in a minute.  
Lord Corrak: Murr?  
Lord Drake: Hopeless.  
Lord Corrak: Your face is hopel-

Quiet you.

* * *

Lord Drake: Quartra!***  
Tlanextic: What's so important about this world? It looks barren and already Chaos-infested. Why should we care?  
Lord Drake: There's sure to be -something- there.  
Tlanextic: Oh please, there's no real reason?  
Lord Drake: To explore new worlds and meet new civilizations.. to destroy them.  
Tlanextic: Like that random raid on that Tau world?  
Lord Drake: Something like that.  
Tlanextic: Why bother at all?  
Lord Drake: Call it intuition. Now make a warp portal, just as we practiced.  
Tlanextic: I'm NOT dancing! Make Corrak do it.  
Lord Drake: Cor-  
Lord Corrak: No.

*Lord Drake jumps, Lord Corrak had appeared from nowhere, and for some reason is holding a tentacle.*

Lord Drake: Tlanextic won't do it.  
Lord Corrak: No. I'm.. uhm... busy.

*Lord Corrak points to the tentacle.*

Tlanextic: I don't think I want to ask...  
Lord Drake: Warp spawn.  
Lord Corrak: Your mom's a warp spawn.  
Lord Drake: You face i-I'm not sinking to your level.  
Lord Corrak: Damn. Well... I have... things to do.

One Riverdance and a warp portal later...

Tlanextic: Quatra... It still looks like nothing.  
Lord Drake: Relax Sorceror, there has to be something here.  
Rhuemwight: My Lord, there's something strange..  
Lord Drake: Told you so.

At a relic...

Lord Drake: Hm...  
Tlanextic: It seems to be activating itself.  
Lord Drake: That's silly. There's nobod-OOF!

*Lord Drake was walking around the relic, and bumped into something, which causes the Chaos Lord to fall over, as well as the invisible thing*

Tlanextic: Oh look, you tripped.  
Lord Drake: I can see that, but over what?

*Lord Drake pokes what he tripped over*

???: Stop that! It's tickles!  
Lord Drake: That sounds like..  
Tlanextic: Tau!  
Lord Drake: Tau-wel?  
Tlanextic: No! Tau!  
Lord Drake: Is that some sort of exotic dish?  
Tlanextic: Ugh! Like Auk'kak!  
Lord Drake: Oh, that loser. Those grey-skin things?  
???: We're not just grey-skin things...  
*???'s cloak drops.*  
Tlanextic: Their colors look like the [Insert Sept name] Sept.  
Lord Drake: Gun them down.

*The Black Draconis squads easily dispatch the Tau Stealth suits. Another group of Tau of the same Sept is drawn by the gunfire. This was a Firewarrior team, and a large group of them. They're foced to retreat to a safe distance, the Tau do not give chase for some reason*

Space Marine Scout: Hm.. Since when do the Black Dragons have Chaos Banners?  
Captain Versian: Strange...

*Lord Drake and Tlanextic stop in front of them.*

Versian: Halt! Identify yourself or receive a bolter round to the face.  
Lord Drake: Hm...  
Tlanextic: The Imperial Templar!  
Versian: A Sorceror! It must be the infamous Black Draconis Legion!  
Lord Drake: That's Correct!  
Versian: The Black Dragons warned us about you. Destroy them!

*A battle ensues, both sides fight hard, Black Draconis is forced back to the warp portal. Captain Versian is forced to fall back able nearly becoming mortally wounded. The Templar do not give chase past this point, and Lord Drake bides his time. Later, they move out, only to be pushed back by the Tau Sept once more, and this time right back into the warp portal.*

Lord Drake: Warp-spawn seeded hate! Tlanextic! Work on closing the portal.  
Tlanextic: I refuse to-  
Lord Drake: DO IT!

A Reverse Riverdance later, and after retreating through the portal as it closes...

Tlanextic: That was a failure.  
Lord Drake: Choose your next words carefully Spart-I mean, Sorceror.  
Tlanextic: The next time we head out we need a larger force.  
Lord Drake: There was no supposed to be that many.  
Tlanextic: Did you see the Tau Commander that was simply watching us?  
Lord Drake: No, and why should I care?  
Tlanextic: Could you feel the taint in him?  
Lord Drake: No.  
Tlanextic: He may yet be useful.. And we may run into them again, those were the Tau we had attacked before... They may be tracking us.  
Lord Drake: He may yet be under my Inquisi-I mean, Khornate boot.

And so plans were made...

* * *

Notes:  
*The Imperial Templar are a custom Space Marine chapter from a friend who beats me in Dawn of War on a regular basis when I play as Chaos and Black Draconis.  
**I made an Igloo Necron Color Scheme just for fun.  
***This was part of a Satire Dawn of War campaign where we RPed stuff out. It was hilarious.


	10. Episode 10: Chaos Recruitment Day

**Lord Drake Misadventures 10**  
By: Vyce Dryke

* * *

An aspiring cultist walks into a strange building in an abandoned downtown area of a hive city, the building the cultist enters is covered in the symbols of the ruinous powers. Inside, there are four booths. The would-be cultist approaces the first booth.

Typhus: Greetings mortal. I am Typhus, Herald of Nurgle and the Host of the Destroyer Hive. I hail from the Death Guard legion. Perhaps I can tempt you to join the followers of Nurgle?  
Cultist: Are there any benefits?  
Typhus: You'll be immune to sickness and disease, we have amazing medical benefits, 401k, a complimentary nurgle plushie, retirement plans, and free health checks.  
Cultist: Uhm... Dental?  
Typhus: We do not offer dental.

The cultist nods and walks to the second booth, with a large 'Join Tzeentch' poster. Ahriman stands behind the booth.

Cultist: Aren't you a bit short for Chaos?  
Ahriman: Silence! I am Ahriman, The Sorcerer of the Red Cyclops. I represent the Thousand Sons Legion.  
Cultist: Thousand Sons?  
*There's a shout from the far fourth booth.*  
Eidolon: I bet he's been busy!  
Ahriman: Shut up Eidolon!

*Eidolon, in his Daemon Prince glory, walks past the third booth, and shoves the cultist aside, glaring down at Ahriman.*

Eidolon: Going to make me shorty?  
Ahriman: Stop calling me that!

As the two of them raise their respective weapons, Lord Drake barges through the door, flanked by Tlanextic and Lord Corrack. Lord Drake shoves Kharn out of his way and takes over the third booth, ripping down the World Eaters banner and replacing it with the Black Draconis one. The Aspiring cultist sees this, and led by his curiosity and his sense of self-preservation to get away from Eidolon and Ahriman's epic battle (which causes the Death Guard booth to be knocked over) Ahriman's spells keep bouncing off of Eidolon, causing various objects to turn into tentacles, sheep, an anthro dragon, a bagel, Lord Drake's toaster (Which Lord Drake quickly retrieves), and even a Chaos Land Raider.

Cultist: Hello?  
Lord Drake: Greetings! I hope your hear to join, because your can't have my toaster.

*Lord Drake clings to his toaster*

Cultist: I don't want your toaster... So.. Who are you guys?  
Lord Drake: I am Lord Drake of the Black Draconis Chaos Space Marine Legion! Beside me are my cohorts. The Tzeentch Sorceror Tlanextic, and the Slaaneshi Chaos Lord Corrack.  
Tlanextic: Hi.  
Lord Corrack: Hey cutie.

Lord Corrack licks his lips at the Cultist. The Cultist backs away a bit.

Lord Drake: We come from the Black Dragons. We even have a mighty daemon dragon!  
Tlanextic: We do?  
Lord Drake: Shush!

Lord Drake reaches under the booth, and pulls out a small covered cage and places it in plain sight near the cultist. Lord Drake takes off the cloth, revealing a small black dragon with red eyes, it's scaled covered in what could only be described as fur, and he glares up at Lord Drake.

Lord Drake: See! Mighty dragon!  
Tlanextic: More like a shoulder dragon...  
Lord Corrack: I want a lap dragon...  
Cultist: Benefits?  
Lord Drake: Whatever it is they have.  
Cultist: Dental?  
Lord Drake: No.

The cultist turns to leave.

Lord Drake: By no, I meant yes. It's opposite minute.  
Tlanextic: What?  
Lord Drake: Quiet!  
Cultist: So.. Which god do your serve?  
Lord Drake: Technically all of them. Mostly Khorne, patron of Khorne flakes and things.  
Cultist: I thought he was the Blood God?  
Lord Drake: Right. Blood god.

The cultist eyes Lord Drake suspiciously.

Cultist: Sounds go-

An Emporer's Children Chaos Space Marine flies over the booth, Lord Drake glares.

Lord Drake: Hey! I'm busy over here!

The battle on the opposite side of the room had intensified, as the Thousand Sons and the Emporer's Children space marine legions had crowded into the room. A Predator tank barges through the wall before being turned into a stuffed rabbit from a mis-fired spell. Eidolon and Ahriman are still in an epic struggle. Another missed spell hits the cage, making the furred black dragon grow in size until it breaks the cage. Noting it's free, it gives Lord Drake a twisted smile before turning to barrel into the fighting, causing Chaos Space Marines to fly everywhere. Lord Drake stares as another spell hits his booth and turns it into a llama. Tlanextic whistles as the dragon tears into Thousand Son and Emperor's Children alike, causing bits and parts to fly in various directions.  
A drop pod crashes through the roof as the Space Marines arrive, causing more chaos as the battle gets way out of hand. Tlanextic opens a portal, and enters, dragging in the cultist. Lord Corrack follows, and Lord Drake whistles to the dragon, signaling it to come as well. It follows Lord Drake into the portal, but not before chomping down on a Space Marine. The atmosphere lights up as the Chaos fleets engage the Space Marine ones. The portal shuts, and the chaos continues, Space Marine and Chaos Space Marine flying everywhere. The World Eaters, by Kharn's orders for vengeance, rams one of their cruisers into the building. The Cruiser explodes, taking Chaos and Space Marine with it as the battle abruptly goes quiet.

* * *

A Camera Drone observes a Tau Reporter and Arafalas, with Arafalas sitting in a chair.

Tau Interviwer: So what do you think of Lord Drake?  
Arafalas: He's a big meanie, and I want him to take me seriously. *sniffle* I try so hard and do so much, but all he does is pick on me, call me names, and continuously imply I'm a pregnant woman..

The Camera Drone moves to another room as Arafalas bursts into tears, moving to a rather up close view of Lord Corrack

Lord Corrack: He's good in bed. You should see this one posit-

The Camera Drone -very- quickly changes rooms.

Tlanextic: Lord Drake... Where to start? He's an incompetent buffoon, and I'm surprised he's still living. I'd like very much to steal his soul, and then turn him into... El Poyo Diablo! The Daemon Chicken!

Tlanextic tilts his head, seeming to think for a moment.

Tlanextic: On second thought.. that might be too good for him.

The Camera Drone turns to move along, and bumps lens-first into Corrack.

Lord Corrack: You know.. he does taste like chicken.

Lord Corrack winks, and the Camera Drone seems to shudder. a Tau Fire Warrior pokes his head in.

Fire Warrior: Hey! Your not supposed to be in here.

The camera drone moves to another room, but not before seeing a view of the Fire Warrior trying to subdue Lord Corrack, who only seems to be turned on by the Tau's attempt to restrain him. The lens loses sight of him as Corrack shoves the Tau over.

Lord Drake: Who? I think he needs to die. I hate him, he's selfish and full of himsel- Wait. Your asking how I think of myself? Shi-

The Camera Drone moves away, and goes to the next room, getting a close view of Captain Versian's face.

Captain Versian: Get that.. thing... out of my face. It wants to steal my soul!

Captain Versian grabs the Camera Drone, throws it, and before it regains it's height, it gets a bolter round to the face. The view darkens as the Camera Drone shuts down. Another activates later, and there is blood spattered on the wall, punctuated with bullet marks. There is a few Firewarrior corpses are on the floor. The Camera Drone focuses on Captain Versian, who is now tied and shackled to the interview chair. The drone focuses in on the Space Marine Captain.

Captain Versian: I said! Out of my face!

Captain Versian hobbles forward in the chair, bumping into the Drone. The Firewarrior who tied up Versian sighs and palmfaces. The Camera Drone rather wisely moves on.

Rhuemwight: Lord Drake? He's okay. He's kinda mean to me, but I think it's for fun. He likes to make me explode, but it's okay because one of the Chaos Gods (Don't remember who...) allows me to respawn. Or maybe that's plot armor. Anyway, I think one of these days I can take his place... yeah... I'll kill him.. kill him go-Wait. Is that a camera? Ack! I'm sorry my Lord! I don't mean it! I want the powers of the dar-

The Camera Drone registers a shout of "spleen!" and Rhuemwight twitches before exploding. The Camera lens is covered in red, and as the lens is cleaned off via laser, the rooms seems to have been painted red, and the Tau looks like he belongs to O'Shova with his now dark-red armor. The Tau sighs, and another drone comes in and starts cleaning. The Camera Drone, not seeing a subject, moves along to another room, finding itself in front of an Ork.

Azog: Woss this fing? It az a weird glass eye...  
Lord Corrack: If you hump it, you get cand-

The Camera Drone turns to look at the Chaos Lord. A Firewarrior enters the room and shoves Corrack, producing handcuffs and a gag.

Lord Corrak: Ooo.. S&M, I didn't know you Tau were so kinky. Can I have fun with you in the bac-Mmmph!

The Firewarrior had shook his head and put Corrack in the gag, cuffing his wrists and keeping him from talking. The Camera Drone loses interest and turns back to Azog, who now has the interview chair on his head for some reason.

Azog: Wot? S'my Hat. HM? Lord Drake. Dat git? 'Eh. 'E's a funy lookin' kaos uumie, an per-tty funy 'isself. Ee keeps tryin' ter foul me up, I keep 'im aliv fer mi amusemunt. Ee travels wif dat majik guy an dat uvver Kaos Lord who keeps tryin' ter git 'is 'ands down mi pants. It feels weird, li-

Trying to avoid the subject, the Camera Drone moves along, and finds Captain Ezra.

Ezra: Lord Drake? He used to be a brother Space Marine. He was ambitious, he tried to restore out Black Dragons chapter to it's former glory. His Heart was in the right place, but he went to the wrong people. He managed to increase his numbers, but he fell to the foul powers of Chaos.

The Camera Drone, a bit bored, moves along, and find a pair of Guardsmen.

IG #151: Lord Drake?  
IG #532: Is he a new Commisar or something?

The Camera Drone, being rather smart, notes to itself that they have no idea what it's talking about, and moves along.

Avatar: He likes waffles...

The Camera Drone notes he doesn't know very much, and seems to glare at the interviewer, wishing to itself it had some sort of weaponry.

Ripper: Food?

Once again, the Camera Drone warily observes the Tau Interviewer, wishing all the more it had arms or something so that he could strangle his owner for doing something stupid when it's obvious a creature such as this would NOT know anything about a Chaos Lord.

Firewarrior: He's loose! He's loo-AAAUUGGHH!

The Camera Drone sees Captain Versian, and seems a bit worried as he guns down a few Fire Warriors. He notes, with satisfaction, that the interviewer receives a bolter round to the face.

Captain Versian: Die Xenos scum!  
Firewarrior: Cut the tape! Get the drone out of here! Seal off the doors!

The Camera Drone, noting a problem, activates it's stealth unit, and vanishes from sight, eying the dead interviewer with an electronic grin as it gets out of the room, alarms going off everywhere as this problem leads to others...  


* * *

Dark Eldar: Yarr, harr, fiddely dee! Being a pirate is all right with me! Do what you want because a pirate is free. You are a pirate!  
Lord Drake: Eh?  
Diaz: Yarr! We're Dark Eldar pirates, and we want your booty!  
Lord Corrack: Babe. You don't even have to ask.  
Diaz: No, not your booty. Your -booty-.  
Lord Corrack: I fail to see the diffrence.

Tlanextic sighs and waves his now-glowing staff.

Diaz: Ooo! Shiny!  
Tlanextic: Yes! Shiny! Go get the shiny!

Tlanextic throws a warp stone, and Diaz pounces it.

Tlanextic: Predictable.  
Lord Drake: Let's get their booty instead... Yarr.

Lord Drake moves to explore the cargo hold, and Tlanextic watches Lord Corrack.

Tlanextic: What are you doing?

Corrack is on top of Diaz, humping.

Lord Corrack: Getting his booty?  
Tlanextic: *groans* You disgust me.  
Lord Corrack: Not that he minds.  
Diaz: Get off!  
Lord Corrack: Don't mind if I do.  
Diaz: Disgusting!  
Lord Corrack: You like it..  
Tlanextic: *mumbling* If I open the airlock, I can dispose of this fool permamnently, and tell Lord Drake it was an accident while the two were fighitng.. yeah..

Tlanextic reaches for the airlock button, and Lord Drake returns, catching him.

Lord Drake: What are you doing?  
Tlanexic: Uhm.. Guarding the airlock button my Lord. We wouldn't want to... *looks to Corrack* Lose anyone...  
Lord Drake: Excellent work Sorceror. We won't have to worry about being sucked into space.

Lord Drake eyes Corrack.

Lord Drake: Are you done yet?  
Lord Corrack: Almost!  
Tlanextic: Did you find anything useful?  
Lord Drake: *shrugs* Not really. Just a spear with the words 'If lost, please return to Russ.'  
Tlanextic: Wonder who that is...  
Lord Drake: I've had enough of this thing. Corrack. Come on already.  
Lord Corrack: Can I keep him?

Lord Corrack pulls on the leash attached to a collar around Diaz, who looks like he's going to murder someone.

Drake and Tlanextic: NO!  
Tlanextic: Where'd you get that collar from?  
Lord Corrack: I pulled it out of m-  
Tlanextic: On second thought. I don't want to know.  
Lord Corrack: Besides. Leash/Collar play is fun.  
Lord Drake: Well. Too bad. Let's get off this ship and blow it to peices.

* * *

  
Copyright Vyce Dryke 2008


	11. Episode 11: Silly Ultramarines

Lord Drake Misadventures 11  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009  


* * *

Marneus Calgar: AH-HA! We have caught up with you Chaos scum!  
Lord Drake: Chaos scum? Is that all your going to call me!  
Marneus Calgar: Of course. So the Codex Astartes demands that I call you! You are nothing else. Now, in order to defeat you, I must consult what the Codex tells me.

Calgar pulls out a well-used book, labeled "Codex Astartes" with a scrawled note on it as the author being Roboute Guilliman, and a much smaller noted a co-author as the Emperor.

Calgar: Let's see... Chaos.. Legions... Khorne... Who are you again?

Tlanextic sighs, walking behind the Chapter Master.

Lord Drake: Black.. Draconis.  
Calgar: Right! Black... Black cats.. Black Legion... Black Knights... Hm. There's no Black Draconis entry. How... curios.  
Lord Drake: So you know nothing of us! EExcellent! It will speed your downfall! Fear our anonymyty!  
Calgar: We cannot fear you... if you don't exist.  
Tlanextic: What!?  
Calgar: You have no entry in our most holy Codex. Therefore, you CLEARLY don't exist. The Emporer defies you exist, and such we trust in the emporer, and have faith, we must not question him. So. We will ignore you.  
Tlanextic: Give me that!

Tlanextic swipes the codex from the Ultramarine, looks over it.

Calgar: Do not dare touch it with your taint Sorceror.  
Tlanextic: Look! A Tyranid!  
Calgar: WHERE!?

Calgar draws his weapons, looking around suspiciously while Tlanextic hurriedly writes notes in the Codex Astartes.

Calgar: How can I belief your lies Chaos scum? GIVE me that.

Calgar snatches the book away from Tlanextic, the Sorcerer smiling like a fool.

Calgar: Now.. Let's see. Not existing.  
Tlanextic: You sure? Look again.

Calgar regards Tlanextic supiciously, and looks into the Codex once more...

Calgar: Hmm.. The Black Draconis Chaos Space Marine legion, led by the high, mighty, powerful, and all-knowing Sorceror Tlanextic.  
Lord Drake: TLANEXTIC!  
Tlanextic: SHHH!  
Calgar: He has a pet Chaos Lord known as Lord Drake, and a Chaos Dragon without a known name.  
Lord Drake: TLANEXTIC  
Tlanextic: You seems to be turning into Lord Bale. Except instead of SIIINDRI, I have to hear TLANEXTIC  
Lord Drake: Well. What do you expect?

Calgar keeps reading, oblivious

Calgar: And can be defeated by painting out armor pink, sing "I'm a little teapcup" and attend a child's tea party... Intriguing...

Lord Drake blinks, looks over to Tlanextic, Tlanextic shrugs, grinning mischievously. The scene cuts to Calgar holding a plastic teacup, looking large over a small table. A child pours a plastic teacup of water, surrounded by chairs filled with her stuffed animals.

Child: Now. Mr. Calgar, please pass the teacup to Mr. Wiggles.  
Calgar: But.. but.. it's.. water.  
Child: TEA!

Calgar sighs, and hands the cup over.

Child: You need to ask politely to Mr. Wiggles if he wants the tea.  
Calgar: No!  
Child: Come on! It's to defeat the dragon things right?

Calgar sighs, and looks at Mr. Wiggles, who is a teddy bear.

Calgar: Mr. Wiggles... Would you like some tea?

The bear says nothing. The child merely smiles, and goes.

Child: Say "Pretty please with sugar on top."  
Calgar: Pretty please with sugar on top?  
Child: The whole thing.  
Calgar: For the love of.. Stupid Codex...  
Child: Now!  
Calgar: Mr. Wiggles. Would you like some tea? Pretty please with sugar on top?  
Child: Mr. Wiggles doesn't like you.  
Calgar: Mr. Wiggles can eat my power fist...

The child blinks curiosly, and Calgar beats Mr. Wiggles with his power fist.

Child: Your not very nice...  
Calgar: I'm not doing this! I'm doing it the old fashioned way!  
Guilliman: Heretic!  
Calgar: Oh crap! It's Guilliman.  
Guilliman: You need to follow the Codex line by line... You are now banished!  
Calgar: But my lord! This is clearly insane!  
Guilliman: You shouldn't have kiled Mr. Wiggles...

Uriel is seen behind the Primarch, smirking in a way as if saying "Your turn." As the Chapter Master is seen being stuffed into a cannon and shot into space.  
Meanwhile, Guilliman is sitting down drinking 'tea' with the girl.

Guilliman: We shall defeat the Black Draconis yet!  


* * *

Lord Drake and Tlanextic overlook a battle with Black Draconis and another strange force

Lord Drake: Who are these strange grey Marines?  
Tlanextic: I do not know of them... They look like they follow nurgle.

One of the marines walks up to the two leaders.

Iarit: Fear us! For we are.... THE CLEAVED  
Tlanextic: The cleaved?  
Lord Drake: What's so special about you lot.  
Iarit: Well. uhm.. we.. we.. are known to have a high threshold for pain!  
Lord Drake: That's not very special.  
Tlanextic: How.. Impressive...  
Iarit: Yes! I know! BOW TO OUR MIGHT *twitches* METAL BOXES.  
Lord Drake: Surely there is something else?  
Iarit: uhm... Oil-like blood constantly oozes from the joints in our power armour?  
Tlanextic: Oil blood? That's all?

Iarit sighs.

Iarit: Yes.  
Tlanextic: Pathethic.  
Lord Drake: At least some of us have claws and armor-like carapaces, and few of us have wings. AND we have a Chaos Dragon. Beat that.  
Iarit: We are the CLEAVED! It must be an awesome name.  
Lord Drake: No wonder you were kicked out of the Imperium. Tsk. Too bland for them  
Tlanextic: At least they aren't like the Star Leopards. Whose only apparent acheivement are destroying a Land Raider stolen by Eldar Harlequins.  
Lord Drake: Wow. That's kinda sad if that's the only important thing.  
Tlanextic: Iarit and his gang here don't even get a mention past their 'special' abilities.

Iarit, getting angry, jumps at Lord Drake

Iarit: I will SHOW you why we are called... THE CLEAVED!

Lord Drake arches an eyebrow, takes a step aside and promptly.. CLEAVES Iarit in half.

Tlanextic: He sure showed you how they are... THE CLEAVED.  
Lord Drake: At least the didn't have a gay name like the Order of the Valorous Heart.  
Tlanextic: Crazy Inquisition.

* * *

Talor: My lord. THIS is a Drop Pod.

Lord Drake eyes the machine supiciously in the bay of The Dragon's Haste. Talor, the traitor Adeptus Mechanicus, observes with a faint smile, having stolen the technology from the Black Dragons.

Lord Drake: A what?  
Talor: Drop pod.  
Indrick Boreale: STEEL RAIN!  
Lord Drake: Where the hell did he come from? DRAGONSPIT!!

The Chaos Marine enters the docking bay, tilting his head.

Dragonspit: My Lord?  
Lord Drake: Dispose of him.  
Dragonspit: Yes my Lord.  
Indrick Boreale: STEEL REIN!  
Dragonspit: Yes.. Yes.. Steel rain.. right through this door.

Dragonspit shoves Indrick Boreale into the airlock, and flushes him out.

Indrick Boreale: STEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!!! RAAAAAAIIIINNNN!!!!  
Dragonspit: Anything else my Lord?  
Lord Drake: Shine my boots.  
Dragonspit: No.  
Lord Drake: Damn. Fetch me some tea?  
Dragonspit: I'd rather not.  
Lord Drake: Simulator?  
Dragonspit: Broke it.  
Lord Drake: Go play laser tag with the cultists.  
Dragonspit: I'll use my bolter. They'll never see it coming.  
Lord Drake: Good boy. Beat some Cultists for me.

Dragonspit leaves the room, Talor stands there, blinking.

Talor: Who was...?  
Lord Drake: Don't ask. You'll live longer.

Indrick Boreale: STEEL RAIN!

Indrick Boreale pounces Lord Drake from the ceiling, the Chaos Lord sighs. Some black-armored Space Marines with ties walk in and grab the Blood Ravens captain.

Lord Drake: Who the hell are you guys?  
Space Marine 1: The Imperial Law Firm lawyer-marines.  
Space Marine 2: He's under arrest for copyright infringement.  
Space Marine 1: And being a bad copy of the real Indrick Boreale.  
Space Marine 2: So the Emporer wants to sue him.  
Space Marine 1: Sue him for all he's worth.  
Space Marine 2: Which isn't much.

The Space Marines drag away a frothing Indrick Boreale, mumbling about steel and rain.

Lord Drake: You need to improve the security systems around here.  
Talor: Me? I'm not in charge of that.  
Lord Drake: Anyway... Drop Pod


	12. Episode 12: Enter the Dragon

**Lord Drake Misadventures 12**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

Tzeentch sighs, watching the TV with detached boredom, a commercial comes on for Home Improvement with Marneus Calgar. The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

Khorne: If I was in charge. Marneus here would be sawing, hammering in small children, and hugging nails.  
Tzeentch: Good thing your not in charge.  
Slaanesh: If I were in char-  
Tzeentch: We already know what you'd be doing.

Slaanesh sighs and pouts.

Tzeentch: What's with all these shows popping up here and there? I mean, there's Marneus here, then there's Kooking with Kharn, and that other one with that imperial cook.  
Khorne: Well. As long as it isn't something like Gardening with Eldrad.  
Slaanesh: Or Girl Scout Commercials with the Emporer  
Nurgle: Or even that horrid show with Gork and Mork in it...

The three dark gods turn to stare at Nurgle, who for the first time in ages, actually acting intellectual, and for some reason is wearing a monocle and a top hat.

Nurgle: I do say... *ahem* I mean. Nurgle!  
Tzeentch: Wait a minute.. Did you speak  
Nurgle: No.. *AHEM* Nurgle.  
Slaanesh: I heard him speak.  
Khorne: So did I...

Nurgle shifts his eyes.

Tzeentch: Where'd that monocle come from?  
Slaanesh: You probably don't want to know.  
Khorne: Agree.  
Tzeentch: And the hat?  
Slaanesh: See previous statement.  
Nurgle: Amnesia dust!

Nurgle pulls out a bag filled with white powder, the label of 'Talcum powder' is crossed out and replaced with 'Amnesia dust'. Slaanesh and Khorne blink, Tzeentch arches an eyebrow.

Slaanesh: Whoooa... What happened?  
Khorne: Where am I?  
Tzeentch: I'm not impressed.  
Nurgle: Nurgle!  
Tzeentch: Don't start that again.  
Slaanesh: Start what again?  
Tzeentch: Nurgle! He spoke!  
Khorne: He did?  
Slaanesh: Oh Tzeentch. You so crazy.

Tzeentch glares at Nurgle.

Tzeentch: You won't get away with this!

Tzeentch storms off, fuming. Khorne and Slaanesh exchange glances.

Slaanesh: Whoa Nurgle! Nice pimp hat!

Nurgle looks worried for a moment, as if caught, but Slaanesh grabs the hat and puts it on.

Khorne: Hey! That hat is mine!

Khorne and Slaanesh start bickering like a married couple, and evetually fall into a fight, all over a hat. Nurgle sits there, grinning smugly. Tzeentch can be heard cursing in the background

* * *

Lord Drake: DRAGON!

Lord Drake storms into the lair of the Chaos Dragon, nestled deep within the belly of Lord Drake's personal flagship The Dragon's Haste. The black and furred Chaos Dragon of the legion tilts his head, eying the Chaos Lord.

Chaos Dragon: I have a name you know.  
Lord Drake: You foresaw my toaster being stolen!  
Chaos Dragon: It's Theussgzoeilg'gaedhbhzq'iierdedhffoahhppsheufolmmdayycceeocogaccowksduzildeileuccrhcoguuaksu.  
Lord Drake: I don't care! Where's my toaster?  
Chaos Dragon: It'll be easier to call me Vyce.  
Lord Drake: Toaster!  
Chaos Dragon: You get brownie points if you can pronouce my real name.  
Lord Drake: I don't care. Brownies are NOT good for toasters.  
Vyce: Sure they are.  
Lord Drake: Toasters are for toasting.  
Vyce: True. But you can toast brownies.  
Lord Drake: Who the hel-Look. It does not matter. Toaster. Now.  
Vyce: I'm sorry. I think you should ask the Tau who took it from you.  
Lord Drake: I'm not interested in Tau.  
Vyce: And here I wanted a conversation.

The great dragon sighs, and digs around his lair, producing a talisman.

Vyce: Here. When used with a warp portal, it will take you to the same area the Tau are in. Or it might turn you into Ragu. I don't remember.  
Lord Drake: What is the name of the one I seek?  
Vyce: I'd like the Ragu option. It'll put me in charge and I'll get a nice topping for dinner.  
Lord Drake: NAME!  
Vyce: Oh for the love of all that's unholy Mr. Impatient. I think you looking for a... uhm.. McCarrick. He's a.. Inquisitor.. or at least he thinks he is.  
Lord Drake: Thinks he is?  
Vyce: He's a crazy Ork  
Lord Drake: Can't it be someone else?  
Vyce: Well. I -could- call this Daemon I know, goes byt the name of Naso. And he could send Corrack.  
Lord Drake: *shivers* He'd do terrible things to my toaster. And if this... Uhm.. N.. N...  
Vyce: Naso.  
Lord Drake: ...Naso has him reigned in, I don't think I want to go anywhere near him.

Meanwhile, in the middle of nowhere.

Lord Drake: Hm.  
Tlanextic: Hm?  
Rheumwight: AAAUGH MY SPLEEEN  
Lord Drake: Silence cultist. I'm thinking.  
Tlanextic: But my lord.  
Lord Drake: I'm thinking!

A shot from a Tau gun rings by.

Tlanextic: Think faster.  
Lord Drake: Oh. Tau.

Stealth Suit Alpha: For the The Greater Not-So-Good! OOF!

Alpha bumps into Lord Drake and knocks him over.

Lord Drake: Hey! It's the Say'Anoi!  
Tlanextic: Your surprised? they're the ones that stole the toaster.

Stealth Suit Beta comes into view, sighing at his comrade.

Beta: Well. This IS why they look familiar.  
Tlanextic: You! You were the one who stole the toaster from my clutches.  
Dru-Mar: It is not just a mere toaster...

A Say'anoi Shas'o, Dru-mar, walks between the two Stealth suits, shaking his head as Lord Drake and Aplha get up, Lord Drake dusting off his armor.

Lord Drake: What?  
Dru-Mar: It is.. in actually.. A chest.  
Tlanextic: Wait.. wait.. what? No. That's impossible, it's just a toaster.  
Dru-Mar: Beleive me Sorceror, when our leader McCarrick told us of this, we didn't think it was true. We have the key to the chest, and the chest-  
Lord Drake: Toaster.  
Dru-Mar: Right. Toaster. In in our hands as well.  
Tlanextic: Then why bother with us?

Dru-Mar hesistates, consolidating his thoughts, not entirely sure he wants to say something.

Dru-Mar: You see.. While we have what we need, we have one major problem.

Lord Drake arches an eyebrow, Tlanexitc looks interested, despite thinking this entire ordeal was entirely senseless.

Lord Drake: Problem?  
Dru-Mar: Yes. While we have what we need, we do not have the time to ourselves because of the Space Marines.  
Tlanextic: Chapters?  
Dru-Mar: A combined task force of Black Dragons, Super Marines, and the Imperial Templar.  
Lord Drake: *growls* The Imperial Templar.  
Dru-Mar: Ah, so you know of them?  
Tlanextic: We have a bit of a budding... rivalry forming. They have beaten us at every turn. And I'm sure you know of our kindred loyal Marines, the Black Dragons...  
Dru-Mar: As much as it wounds me to say this, we require assitance... We have the help of an Ork Klan that McCarrick managed to take into our service, but it is not enough for this foe.  
Tlanextic: *smirks* So your proposing an alliance with our Legion?  
Dru-Mar: Yes.  
Lord Drake: So where is this McCarrick? Why is he too busy to be here?  
Dru-Mar: He is... elsewhere.  
Tlanextic: I see. So. What is in it for us? What do we get for helping?  
Dru-Mar: Well. You see. You get the chest-  
Lord Drake: Toaster.  
Dru-mar:*sighs* Yes, when we get the Toaster back, as well as the legendary power bestowed to those who open it...  
Lord Drake: Now I'm interested. Mostly for the toaster.  
Tlanextic: Power?  
Dru-mar: Immortality and unlimited power.  
Lord Drake: Done!  
Tlanextic: Now wait one moment. What does the Chaos Dragon say about this?  
Lord Drake: Why should we care for HIS input? The warp-damned freeloader who supposedly can see into the future?  
Tlanextic: We-  
Lord Drake: No argument, he gets NO involvement. Besides, I thought you were eager for allies.. and... power...

Tlanextic ponders this, and nods.

Tlanextic: Agreed...  
Lord Drake: Excellt. So. Dru-mar. We are in agreement..  
Dru-Mar: Excellent. Alpha! Beta!  
Stealth Suits: Yes?  
Dru-Mar: Relay this information to McCarrick. I'm sure he'll be pleased.

The Stealth suit duo nod and depart, and three Space Marine captains arrive. One in Black Armor, Another in white, and the third in gray armor. Lord Drake recognises the three of them, and smiles ferally.

Lord Drake: Well well.. Look what the cat dragged in.  
Ezra: Drake! There is no escape for you.  
Versian: Nobody expects the Inquisition!  
Camilo: You foul Heretics and Xenos will fall by my blade!  
Dru-mar: Oh.. not the Imperials again...  
Tlanexitc: Captain Ezra of the Black Dragons, Captain Versian of the Imperial Templar... and Captain Camilo of the Supermarines. Wonderful.  
Dru-mar: *speaking into the comms* Rally the Orks!  
Versian: Taken care of.  
Dru-Mar: Say'Anoi?  
Camilo: Disposed.  
Lord Drake: Black Draconis?

Tlanextic palmfaces.

Tlanextic: My Lord.. The only backup we brought with us is Dragonspit, and I doubt Rhuemwight would do us much good...  
Ezra: Rhuemwight exploded.  
Lord Drake: now there's a susprise...  
Ezra: And Dragonspit wandered off.  
Lord Drake: What do you mean 'Wandered Off?' He's a Chaos Marine in my employ. Chaos does not simply 'wander off'.  
Ezra: Something about a warp portal and a Dragon.  
Tlanextic: *groans* My Lord.. The portal is still open.  
Lord Drake: Sounds like your fault.  
Tlanextic: You ordered it to stay open my Lord...  
Lord Drake: So now what do we do?  
Tlanextic: I think I know. Hey Space Morons, who's the leader of the Black Crusade?  
Ezra: Abbadon?  
Versian: Abbadon, of course.  
Camilo: I beleive it's Abbadon...

There's a crackling of thunder, and the end of "...not again..." is heard, and Abbadon appears, Drac'nyen grumbling about the lamest power ever.

Abbadon: Why have I been summoned... by.. Space Marines?

The Chaos and Xenos forces sneak away, trading Vox frequencies and agreeing to meet elsewhere. Meanwhile, Abbadon occupies himself with a losing battle with Three Space Marine chapters, until he is whisked away by someone else summoning him.

Back on The Dragon's Haste, Lord Drake stumbles into Vyce's lair, out of breath. The chaos dragon regards him and smirks.

Vyce: Back already?  
Lord Drake: Quiet Dragon.  
Vyce: Awww... Did the poor Dwakey Wakey get his arse handed to him by the Space Marines?  
Lord Drake: I said SILENCE Dragon.  
???: So this is Lord Drake...

In the shadows, a rather large figure is noticeable.

Vyce: Yes. This is the fool who kept me in captivity all these years...  
???: Amusing. I wonder why Corrack sees so much in him..  
Lord Drake: Who is that?  
Vyce: This? This is Naso. Daemon of Slaanesh.

The daemon wreathed in darkness grins.

Lord Drake: Should I know you?  
Naso: Indirectly. I'm the one who took my sweet Corrack into my arms.  
Lord Drake: I think I'm going to be sick.  
Naso: Oh? That bad? I think it's rather pleasant.  
Lord Drake: Do you need anything?  
Naso: Oh. I'll need some... services.. later.  
Lord Drake: Services?  
Vyce: You don't want to know...

* * *

Arafalas sits at the end of a long table, diffrent figures of others placed at various chairs along the table.

Arafalas: Welcome. Welcome to the council of EVIL.  
Azog: 'Ey.. I donz feel EVIL  
Farewyth: I know why I am here, but I am VERY tempted to destroy you all.  
Azog: I'd loike ter see ya try humie  
Necron: Let's get this over with... Dark Eldar  
Custodian Guard George: Uhhhm.. Why did I get an invite?  
Arafalas: You uhm. Represent for the Emporer right?  
George: Duuuh.. I think so.  
Arafalas: So, wouldn't he send you, his commander of the Custodian Guards, to answer for why we're here?  
George: Hm.. I dunno..  
Shas'o Auk'Kak: Let's get this show on the road you filthy thing.  
Ripper: Raah! Kill!  
Arafalas: Who let you in here?  
Ripper: He's dead. No Guard at the door.  
Arafalas: I see...  
Ezra: I am in agreement, I want to know why we're here.. This collection of scum, evil, heresy, and xenos.  
Lickworship Foamloath: FABULOUS collection.  
Ezra: Ugh! Slaaneshi Daemon!  
Lickworship: Why thank you!  
Ahriman: Yes. Yes.. kill.. destroy..  
Arafalas: Wow.. There are a LOT of you.  
Diaz: Quite.

Arafalas stands up as the Avatar of Khaine walks in.

Arafalas: Khaine, sweety, is that all of them?  
Avatar: I beleive so...

Arafalas looks along the combined group, all of them seated in various places, some having honor guard of their respected representation. Such a varied group.

Arafalas: Does anyone know why I brought you all here today?  
George: Dum.. Bake sale?  
Arafalas: No.  
Azog: Ter smash sum heads in?  
Arafalas: Close! But no.  
Ezra: To destroy the alien, the mutant, and the heretic?  
Arafalas: One specific heretic.  
Auk'Kak: For the Greater Good?  
Arafalas: NO! That's a stupid answer! KHAINE! Dispose of him.

The Avatar walks behind the Tau Shas'o, and removes his head from his shoulders

Avatar: He'll make wonderful strawberry syrup...  
Ripper: To feed?  
Arafalas: Perhaps...  
Lickworship: We're going to do shopping!  
Arafalas: Gods no. But that reminds me I need ot go to Hot Topic.

Arafalas sighs, having had no-one get to the TRUE answer.

Arafalas: I have brought you here, to create an unholy alliance to destroy, Lord, Drake!

Rumblings and grumblings are heard.

George: Err... But he's the main character! We can't destroy him... uhm. Right?  
Ezra: You and I seek the same goal Xenos scum. But I have no reason to join with the likes of you.  
Azog: I've tried severul timz, each met wif failur. Eben wif AWL mi boys. Wot makz ya tink ya awl are bedda dan da Orks!?  
Arafalas: Power in numbers Ork. Even you can appreciate that. Togather we can create a scheme to destroy them!  
Ezra: I'm not about to run afoul of the Xenos and heresy. I will take my leave!

Ezra sits up and leaves the room.

Azog: An I donz consort wif frillee Eldar

Azog sits up, stomping our of the room.

Diaz: i'm not sure I want to be near him. Corrack will be there as well... count me out.

Diaz laves as well, Arafalas sighs. The ones left being the Ripper and George. Farewyth had left before, secretly.

Arafalas: Your all that's left?

Lord Drake falls out of a warp portal.

Arafalas: Get him!

The Ripper jumps at Lord Drake. The chaos lord bats the thing aside and falls next to George.

Ripper: Uhhh... Which way did he go George, which way did he go?

George points both ways.,

George: Errr.. That way!  
Arafalas: IMBECILES!

Lord Drake shoves George over, wand stalks in front of Arafalas.

Lord Drake: I should have killed you ages ago!  
Arafalas: Then do it!  
Lord Drake: Death is too good for you... NASO!

A large Daemon steps through the warp portal, grinning from ear to ear. Next to it is Lord Corrack, smirking.

Naso: OH! He's so cute! Can I keep him?  
Lord Drake: By all means...  
Arafalas: No! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!

Lord Drake steps aside as Naso pins the Dark Eldar to the wall and starts to have his way with him. The Chaos Lord Cringes, but laughs evilly as he exits through the portal, hearing Arafalas shriek in pain!

* * *

Notes:

More Campaign. Naso is a Slaanesh Daemon Prince.


	13. Episode 13: Adeptus Moderator

**Lord Drake Misadventures 13**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

Vyce: Horus has a lovely bunch of coconuts.....  
Tlanextic: Are you sure that's wise?

The Dragon and the Sorceror, deep within of the belly of The Dragon's Haste, are in the same room, Vyce relaxing as usual as Tlanextic is taking his break away from Lord Drake

Vyce: Why?  
Tlanextic: You might summon him. Or his wrath.  
Vyce: Like Abbadon? Horus is dead my friend Sorceror, there's no way to bring him back from the dead. Otherwise Abbadon and Co. Would have brought him back by now.  
Tlanextic: Abbadon and Co?  
Vyce: No. Stop talking.  
Tlanextic: TOO LATE!

The Misadventures of Abbadon and Co.

The Cast:

Abbadon, Leader of the Black Crusades "Give me that back. No Black Crusade for you. Bad Lord Drake. "  
Drach'nyen, Abbadon's Sword "All that and your more concerned with the word wank?"  
Horus, doesn't need an intro: "I've got a lovely bunch of Coconuts."

We join our protagonists on Canada. Wait. That can't be right. Must be Cadia.

Abbadon: My Lord Horus! You return!  
Horus: Hell. It's about time.  
Drach'nyen: Took you long enough.  
Horus: Shush.  
Drach'nyen: Defeated by the Emporer. You should have blasted him from orbit.  
Horus: I'll blast you from Orbit.  
Drach'nyen: I'll blast your face from orbit.  
Horus: I'll blast your mom from orbit.  
Drach'nyen: Curses! You win.  
Horus: I'm the Warmaster. I ALWAYS win.  
Drach'nyen: Not always...  
Horus: Yes always.  
Abbadon: *ahem*  
Horus: Pardon. Abbadon!  
Abbadon: Sir?  
Horus: Status report! What has happened to the Traitor legions? What happened to the Sons of Horus?  
Abbadon: My lord, we are now the Black Legion.  
Horus: Are we still supreme?  
Abbadon: We... were the first to run my lord.  
Horus: Disappointing!  
Abbadon: The other legions attacked us,  
Horus: Shameful!  
Abbadon: And they made clones for you.  
Horus: An adjective meaning terrible.  
Abbadon: What?  
Horus: I didn't say anything.  
Abbadon: But.. but.. My Lord. I have commanded many a Black Crusade.  
Horus: That all failed?  
Abbadon: What? How did you know Lord?  
Horus: Rumors in the afterlife. I petitioned to be the Chaos God of Pure Badass, but they merely laughed at me for my failures and chained me up. But enough of that. How fares the Word Bearers? They started this whole mess, after all...  
Abbadon: Lorgar has his own Daemon world, and is one of the few living primarchs. He likes moonlit walks on the beach, pina colata, and being caught in the rain.  
Horus: Abbadon. This is a briefing, not a dating show. And speaking of.. How fares The Emperor's Children?  
Abbadon: They left a trail of destruction in their wake... Fulgrim might be dead, might be alive, and might be spending his every waking moment figuring out what is going to happen in the next season of Lost.  
Horus: Thousand Sons?  
Abbadon: They're hiding in the warp my lord... And a Sorcerer known as Ahriman is running about. I think he's pretty short...  
Horus: And the Emperor? What is his fate?  
Abbadon: Tied to a golden 'chair', probably for all eternity.  
Horus: Has anyone else joined out cause?  
Abbadon: Many have fallen to Chaos my Lord, many more have died by our hands.  
Horus: Well. Let us go and take what is ours!

**Notice: Show canceled by the Adeptus Moderator, we now return you to your regularly scheduled Lord Drake Misadventures.

Vyce:: Ugh... That was.. Terrible..  
Tlanexitc: There's a good reason we're the ones in control here.  
Vyce: Indeed...

* * *

Lord Drake: I HAVE IT!

Lord Drake dashes into the Chaos Dragon's lair, where Vyce and Tlanextic were already present from the previous.... strangeness. Tlanexitc looks around, and sighs.

Tlanextic: Have what my Lord?  
Vyce: Better not be another hair-brained scheme...  
Lord Drake: Better!

Lord Drake opens up a box, and allows it's contents to dump out. Vyce and Tlanexitc come closer to inspect to see...

Tlanextic: Chaos Space Marines?  
Vyce: Tyranids?  
Lord Drake: Even traitor guard!  
Tlanextic: What IS it?  
Lord Drake: THIS IS... MINIHAMMER! (TM)  
Vyce: Nice use of the TM..  
Lord Drake: Thank you. Still wary of those Lawyer Marines.

Lord Drake looks around, swearing those Marines were hiding in the corner. Vyce shakes his head.

Vyce: So.. Specifics?  
Lord Drake: Basically, turn-based strategy. On the Tabletop! There are dice, blast dice, blast templates, vehicles... Everything we have in this universe, all in miniature size! See? Look at the little Bloodthirster.

Tlanextic shakes his head, and Vyce watches a moment longer.

Vyce: Dibs on the 'Nids.  
Tlanextic: Necrons...  
Lord Drake: And I'll have.. The Black Draconis Chaos Space Marine legion!  
Tlanextic: What?

Lord Drake points at several figures.

Lord Drake: See? Our colors. See? Our banners. See? A Chaos Lord. Lord Drake. Mini-me.  
Tlanextic: And I assume the Sorceror is me?  
Lord Drake: Yes!  
Vyce: So where am I?  
Lord Drake: I don't consider you part of the legion. You never fight.  
Vyce: I did that one time..  
Lord Corrack: At band camp?

The Chaos Dragon swats Corrack away.

Vyce: No. Not even close.  
Lord Drake: you do have a point there...

Vyce shrugs, grabbing a figure with his large paws, keeping it between his claws, and drops it on the table.

Vyce: That's okay. I get a Biotitan.

Lord Drake snorts.

Lord Drake: Don't think I did not come prepared... Behold! A... Banelord titan!

Lord Drake pulls out a large model, and places it on the table.

Vyce arches an eyebrow.

Vyce: I up the Ante with... a Dominatrix!  
Lord Corrack: Wow Vyce. Didn't know you were so kinky..  
Vyce: CORRACK! *swats him away again.*

Lord Drake: Oh yeah? Well I top that with Khorne!

Lord Drake pulls out a massive model of the Blood God, and somehow is able to place it on the table.

Vyce: What? A Chaos God?  
Lord Drake: HA! I win.  
Tlanextic: *holding the rulebook* That's not a valid unit!  
Lord Drake: It's in Forgeworld. Experimental rules. Use the internet for once.  
Tlanextic: But we need to agree.  
Lord Drake: Too bad!

Vyce snorts, grabs Lord Drake, and starts squeezing his armor inwards.

Vyce: I. Don't. Agree.

Lord Drake nods quickly and is set down, the Chaos Dragon eyes the Khorne model and swats it off the table. Lord Corrack sneaks back into the room and tosses an a Large Inquisitor model, which knocks out all the other ones.

Lord Drake: What the hell did you do -that- for?  
Lord Corack: Because nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition?

Before anyone else can say anything, the Chaos Dragon bats the Chaos Lord aside again.

Vyce: Do you mind?  
Lord Corrack: You know.. I haven't done it with a Chaos Dragon before...  
Vyce: Wouldn't that be bestiality?  
Lord Corrack: Has that even been a problem with me before?  
Vyce: You have a point there. But... No.  
Lord Corrack: Bah. I'll have you yet Dragon.  
Vyce: GTFO.

Vyce bats Corrack away again, giving him a glare.

Lord Drake: Okay. Let's get this show on the road. MY turn!

Lord Drake moves his units, and goes to the shooting phase, he aims a battle cannon at a group of 'Nids and rolls a die.

Lord Drake: Hah! I hit. Blast dice on target!

Vyce arches an eyebrow as Lord Drake pushes a button on the Defiler on his side of the table and it animates and blasts the Hormagaunts, scattering bits and pieces of them all over the table.

Vyce: Hey...  
Tlanextic: That's not in the rules.  
Lord Drake: Hehehe...  
Vyce: Your dead Drake. DEAD.  
Lord Drake: Oh really? Whatcha going to do furball?  
Vyce: Well... We're going to stuff you into a cannon and fire you at the locals.  
Lord Drake: Locals?  
Vyce: You'll meet them shortly.

One of the cannons of The Dragon's Haste fire, shooting Lord Drake into orbit, into the atmosphere of a planet, and smashing right into an Inquisitorial training camp.

Inquisitor trainer: What? Why are you here?  
Lord Drake: *wearily* Because nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition...

* * *

**Thank you for connecting to IRC.  
**You are not connected to 40k Chat!  
**Lord Drake has entered the channel  
Lord Drake: Hmm. Empty room. Mine to terrorize! And CONTROL!  
**Lord Drake has been Censored by the Adeptus Moderator  
**Tlanextic has entered the room  
Tlanextic: Drake? Drake? Draaaaake?  
Tlanextic: Hm.  
**Vyce has entered the channel.  
Vyce: So guys.. Sup?  
Tlanextic: I think Drake is AFK.  
Vyce: So we can make fun of him and he won't know it?  
Tlanextic: Appears so.  
**Lord Drake has been Uncensored by the Adeptus Moderator  
Lord Drake: I'm going to kill you.. you.. and.. this Adeptus guy.  
**Lord Drake has been Censored by the Adeptus Moderator  
Vyce: That didn't take long.  
**Sindri has entered the channel.  
Vyce: Dude. Sindri. Heya.  
Sindri: Hello Chaos Dragon... Hello fellow Sorceror..  
Tlanextic: 'Ello.  
**Carron has entered the room.  
Carron: SIIIINDRI!  
Sindri: *sighs* Not again.  
**Sindri points behind Corran.  
Sindri: Look! A box!  
Carron: BOX!?  
Sindri: And it's metal!  
Carron: METAL BOXES!? Where!?  
Sindri: In the Imperial chatroom! Go get it boy!  
Carron: The Boxes.. The METAL BOXES! We should TAKE AWAY their... Metal Boxes...  
**Carron has left the channel.  
**Sindri finds somewhere to hide.  
**Eliphas has entered the channel  
**Boreale has entered the channel  
Eliphas: So I say to him... "Maybe we should mount YOUR corpse on a Golden Chair?"  
Boreale: lolol. How'd he reply?  
Eliphas: Oh. Something generic about being insulted.  
Boreale: Lawl. How lame is that?  
**Tlanextic waves.  
Eliphas: Why hello there Sorceror. I see your Chaos Lord friend is having problems.  
Tlanextic: I find it amusing. It could be worse. Or.. better.  
Eliphas: Wait. is. that... SIIIINDRI!  
Sindri: Ugh. Not again. Leave me alone.  
**Lord Corrack enters the channel.  
Lord Corrack: Hey guys. How's it hanging? Get it? Hanging.  
**Lord Corrack has been Censored by the Adeptus Moderator  
**Lord Corrack has left the Channel.  
**Lord Corrack has entered the channel.  
Lord Corrack: What? LAME. What's wrong with YOU? Don't like getting raped?  
**Lord Corrack has been Banned by the Adeptus Moderator.  
**Slaanesh has entered the Channel.  
Slaanesh: What the hell is wrong with you Mod? You made.. Poor Corrack...  
**Heresy detected!  
**Slaanesh has been Banned by the Adeptus Moderator.  
**Slaanesh has entered the channel.  
Slaanesh: I don't think so...  
**Adeptus Moderator has been corrupted by Slaanesh.  
**Adeptus Moderator is now known as Noise Marine.  
Noise Marine: SPAM!  
Noise Marine: SPAM!  
Noise Marine: SPAM!  
Noise Marine: SPAM!  
Noise Marine: SPAM!  
**Noise Marine has been banned for spamming.  
Tlanextic: Oh look. Nobody to uncensor Drake. How.. Convenient.  
**Lord Carron has entered the channel  
Lord Carron: /cry  
Lord Carron: The mean.. mean..MEAN Imperials won't let me have their Metal Boxes! HOW! How.. How.. could they! *sobs*  
**Lord Drake has left the channel  
**Tlanextic has left the channel  
**Vyce has left the channel  
**Sindri has left the channel.  
**Slaanesh has left the channel  
Lord Carron: They.. They...Despise me! Nooo!  
**Lord Carron has left the channel.  
Eliphas: Damn server splits...

* * *


	14. Episode 14: Time Travel

Lord Drake Misadventures 14  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009  


* * *

Lord Drake: *In a fake Russian accent* So... Sorceror. How do we.. as you say.. do time travel?  
Tlanextic: My Lord.. Why are you talking like that?  
Lord Drake: *still in accent* Why comrade! You hurt me so with your ignorance. The Motherland has come in the form of a game known as Red Alert 3!  
Tlanextic: *groans* Playing video games again?  
Lord Drake: *accented* Well... Think about it. Here is the plot for this wonderful game from Mother Russia! The Russians, in their glory! Are about to be defeated. What do they do?  
Tlanextic: Surrender?  
Lord Drake: *accent* no Comrade-Sorceror! They create a time machine, and remove Einstein from history! Causing their enemies NEAR defeat!  
Tlanextic: First of all. Stop calling me 'Comrade', and drop the accent.  
Lord Drake: Your no fun.  
Tlanextic: It's annoying. And you'll wake that damned dragon up.  
Lord Drake: So Comrad-  
Tlanextic: *glares*  
Lord Drake: I mean.. Sorceror. Time travel?  
Tlanextic: No.  
Lord Drake: think about it! The Eldar destroyed! The Black Dragons at their knees! We! The Masters of the Universe! Controlling ALL!  
Tlanextic: No.  
Lord Drake: What? Why not?  
Tlanextic: First of it, Masters of the Universe. I do NOT want to wear tights.  
Lord Drake: You know what I meant.  
Tlanextic: You know. Why do I think we're forgetting something?  
Lord Drake: Hm. No? Besides. If you won't do it. I'll get the Chaos Dragon to.  
Tlanextic: He'll likely give you something to send you to another dimension for a good while. Alternate universe and all that.  
Lord Drake: That might be fun though!  
Tlanextic: Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it'll be a dimension of Anthropomorphic Animals.  
Lord Drake: You mean Furries?  
Tlanextic: Anthropomorphic...  
Lord Drake: That's a mouthfull.  
Tlanextic: Not like gzilbhzhshq'iodhn'nn'nllkwbhirhhbhksccotlphshrhbhrhq'abluflyyeollgzccchoodhdhrhiiffanchaeae over there..  
Gzilbhzhshq'iodhn'nn'nllkwbhirhhbhksccotlphshrhbhrhq'abluflyyeollgzccchoodhdhrhiiffanchaeae: Yo.  
Lord Drake: I think I see cheese in there somewhere... Gzil.. shqq... sccot... chaease... oh.. forget it...  
Tlanextic: Anyway. 'Tis not the point. It could also be a parallel dimension where the Tau is in charge.  
Lord Drake: I'd rather not. All the calling of 'The Greator Good' would drive me... quite... insane!  
Tlanextic: And your already pretty insane already.  
Lord Drake: Hehe.. Haha.. HAHAHA... MUWHAHAH-*cough, hack* Oh.. Ow.. Throat...  
Tlanextic: Serves you right. He could even send you back in time WAY before the Imperium was even thought of!  
Lord Drake: I do not see the problem! I will rule with the hell of the Chaos Gods.  
Tlanextic: Before the warp was discovered...  
Lord Drake: So? Warp still exists! I will reign supreme in any situation!  
Tlanextic: So you say...

In the Dragon's Lair...

Vyce: You want do do What!?  
Lord Drake: Time Travel!  
Vyce: I see you here too Tlanextic, are you in on this?  
Tlanextic: No. I merely want to watch for my amusement. I disagreed, and he said he'd come here to you. I thought I would... observe.  
Vyce: Very well... I think I'll also observe...  
Tlanextic: What do you mean?  
Vyce: *grins* Well my Sorcerer friend. I'm letting him time travel and such.. but I'm going with him.  
Tlanextic: How? Your a Dragon. You'll be noticed.  
Vyce: True... But so would Lord Drake.. No?  
Tlanextic: This is true...  
Vyce: Sorcery -could- mask that.  
Tlanextic: This is also true, but you are a large dragon. You will still be noticed...  
Vyce: Observe.

The Chaos Dragon stretches himself out, popping his knuckles before a soft glow is around him, and he changes from his massive dragon form to a much smaller one, although this one is noticeably Bipedal as opposed to his normal Quad form.

Vyce: See? Human sized. Still Draconic.  
Tlanextic: I see...  
Vyce: All we need now is the Illusion, and we'll be fine.  
Lord Drake: AHEM.  
Vyce: Oh.. right...

The dragon's red eyes focus on the Chaos Lord, flicking his much smaller wings and tail.

Vyce: Now. Time Travel?  
Lord Drake: Yes!

The now humanoid dragon nods, and starts chanting.

Tlanextic: Wait! Where are we...

The trio arrives in another time, and assumedly the same direction. One can't really tell. They find themselves in front of a large white building, and a figure with a noticeable top hat is seen.

Tlanextic: ..going? Ah hell. Why'd you bring me along?  
Vyce: My amusement.  
Lord Drake: Here we are! In front of a big.. white.. building... The hell?  
Tlanextic: No itea my Lord, at best I can assume we're before the time of the Imperium. This white building here does NOT match any current building designs.  
Lord Drake: The grass is green.. well-trimmed... the sky is blue... What the hell?  
Vyce: Well. I can tell you this is Terra. Or what they call it now, Earth.  
Tlanextic: *raises an eyebrow* have you been here before?  
Vyce: Maaaaaybe.  
Tlanextic: I'm suspicious of you dragon.

The man in the top hat notices them, and draws closer.

Lord Drake: Well... A world for out spoils!  
Tlanextic: So who's that guy?  
Lord Drake: What guy?

Vyce turns to look, as does Lord Drake, adn the man with the top hat inches forward.

Tophat man: Why hello there...

The man in the top hat breathes heavily.

Tlanextic: Who the hell are you?  
Vyce: I think I know...

Tophat man: My name is Lincoln... And... YOUR PRESIDENT NEEDS YOU!

Vyce eyewidens as the man lunges at him, and runs like hell as Lincoln chases him.

Lincoln: Come on dragon... come to daddy!

Lincoln starts to looks creepier, seeming more like the rapist type than a president, sunken-in eyes, BIG teeth and large gloved hands.

Lincoln: Your president needs you!

Vyce: RUN! RUN!  
Tlanextic: I suppose this is a parallel thing.  
Vyce: Yes! Can we get out of here.. please! I have nightmares abouy this man!  
Lord Drake: Nah. I think I'm enjoying th-

The Trio vanish.

Lincoln: Oh darn... Alone again.. I'll have him yet...

In another time... and maybe another dimension..

Lord Drake: -is... Well dammit. Not again.  
Tlanextic: Now where the hell are we?  
Vyce: Anywhere but there is fine by me... Now.. I see a field.. and... we're in a castle..  
Tlanextic: I see things that look like knights..  
Lord Drake: And some sort of battle going on... This is my kind of party!

Lord Drake jumps down from the ramparts, as a group of varied fighters are protecting a pope-looking guy who's guard of green-armored knights are fighting off a mob of varied attackers in red uniforms and armor.

Vyce: WAIT! Don't... Ah forget it..  
Tlanextic: I see sorcerers and magic users...

Lord Drake lands into the fray, a pair of rogues are arguing while two dragons fight off their attackers.

Colm: Look you pansy. We should go after the treasure chests.  
Rennac: Forget it! I'm not dirtying myself with combat as we try to 'acquire' some royal treasure.  
Colm: The guards should be able to handle it...  
Rennac: With all due respect to the Raustan soldiers.. Raustan fails.  
Colm: Pardon?  
Rennac: Look at Cormag and Vanessa, our group's dragon riders. They are effortlessly dispatching opponents and dodging blows that would kill a normal person.  
Colm: So?  
Rennac: Now look at the guys in green armor. A thief is able to EASILY dodge their attacks and nearly kill them. And they're in armor!  
Colm: Well.. in their defense, thieves are hard to hit.  
Rennac: This MAY be true. But look over there! Raustan soldiers fighting off by themselves, not only can they NOT hit anything, they get killed with ease!

A Recruit is seen shoving over a Raustan soldier, who doesn't get back up for some reason.

Rennac: With support like THAT, who says anything is safe?  
Colm: We have our escorts.  
Rennac: Who currently has us backed up into the corner in the treasury room.  
Colm: Well.. since you put it that way..

Meanwhile, during all the fighting, Lord Drake starts batting away enemies.

Ephraim: Well.. Who the hell are you?  
Lord Drake: I am.. Lord Drake! Chaos Lord!  
Ephraim: Chaos Lord? There's a class I haven't heard of before. We need help! The enemy has us surrounded, and we need to last until daybreak.  
Lord Drake: Daybreak?  
Ephraim: I don't know, it doesn't make sense to me either.  
Lord Drake: I see... So why are you protecting this..  
Ephraim: The.. Pontifex?  
Lord Drake: Yes.  
Ephraim: Have you SEEN his army? The Raustan must apparently have the weakest army ever. Why. Even a CHILD could defeat them. I mean. Look at the enemy Recruit over there. They're supposed to be the lowest of fighter classes! A greenhorn, a newbie, still in training!

Lord Drake watches, a a young girl, wielding a spear, is able to manuever around the Raustan knight and dispatch him with ease.. as the Raustan knight is dumbfounded as he falls over.

Lord Drake: I see your point... So why bother?  
Emphraim: To get some legendary weapons and something about a Demon King and Sacred stones.. Oh no! Vanessa!

The dragon rider is seen, being overwhelmed and surrounded by enemies, moments later, Cormag falls as well.

Emphraim: There is too many! Perhaps the treasure is not worth it.. We need to leave them on restart.  
Lord Drake: Restart?  
Emphraim: *blinks* Yeah. this is a ga-

In another time and place...

Lord Drake: Dammit dragon! Stop that!  
Vyce: Why? It amuses me.  
Tlanextic: Now where are we..  
Vyce: I think when is more appropriate...  
Lord Drake: Well. This looks like a starship....

A man in a combat uniform walks up to the trio.

Man: Well.. Two humans.. And an Alien.  
Lord Drake: Alien?  
Man: The dragon thing.  
Vyce: What? How can you see me?  
Man: *shrugs* I don't see anything strange. other than you..  
Vyce: So.. Human who is not bothered by an alien.. What year is it?  
Man: What sort of... It's the Terran 25th Century..  
Tlanextic: Where?  
Man: Are you stupid? This is the Koprulu Sector  
Lord Drake: So then.. who are you?  
Man: Humans who come in something that looks like Power Armor, and the dragon in the same... I am.. Jim Raynor. I'm the Commander of these parts.  
Vyce: Why does that name ring a bell?  
Raynor: Now. Who are you guys? I see some weird form of power armor, this other guy has the same and a staff thing, and the third one is some dragon alien I don't recognize... You guys some secret space marines or something?  
Lord Drake: We are CHAOS Space Marines. How DARE you defile us with THAT name.  
Raynor: Chaos huh?

The ship rocks as it takes fire from an unknown enemy,.

Raynor: Ah hell.

Raynor runs to the observation port, the others move to observe.

Lord Drake: Your under attack by...  
Tlanextic: Tyranids!?  
Raynor: What? You boys aren't from around here, are ya? Those are Zerg. I don't know what these Tyranid things are.  
Lord Drake: Zerg?  
Vyce: Zerg.. Zerg... Wait. We're in Starcraft.  
Raynor: Star what?  
Vyce: Nevermind, it's unimportant. There are Protoss in this area, correct?  
Raynor: Right...  
Vyce: We need to go.  
Raynor: Now wait one gosh-darned minute. Your going nowhere without some answers! Zerg or no!  
Vyce: Oh.. Zerg are tame compared to Tyranids.  
Raynor: Space Marines!  
Lord Drake: Hah! Your servants of the false emperor cannot save you!  
Raynor: False emporer? What? You mean Arcturus Mengsk?  
Lord Drake: No..  
Tlanextic: He really doesn't have a name..  
Vyce: Everyone just tends to refer to him as 'The Empreror'.  
Raynor: First name 'The' last name 'Emperor'?  
Tlanextic: Might be on his birth certificate.  
Raynor: Anyway....  
Vyce: Look! An Ultralisk!  
Raynor: What? *turns around* How'd one get here.. wait a minute. You tricked- *Raynor turns around* Me... Huh? Where'd they go?

In another time and place...

Lord Drake: FINALLY! A Chaos Battleship.  
Vyce: But not The Dragon's Haste...  
Lord Drake: But what one is it?

A familiar menacing figure dominates the bridge.

Vyce: Is that..  
Lord Drake: Horus!  
Horus: Indeed. And who the hell are you? I see a being of Chaos among you..  
Lord Drake: Warmaster. I am Lord Drake, of the Black Draconis!  
Horus: I have never heard of you.  
Tlanextic: Drake. Shh.  
Vyce: So. What year is this?  
Horus: 014.M31  
Tlanextic: WAIT! This is the day. The day Horus.. FALLS!

A hush goes across the bridge.

Ship Captain: Horus? Die? Don't be silly.  
Horus: Hah! That's ridiculous. In fact. Lower the shields. I can beat the Emperor.. BY MYSELF.

The Emperor appears, mostly by himself, his guard assumedly elsewhere on the ship.

The Emperor: Horus! How DARE you! First you take my Luna Wolves away from me, then you beat the tar out of three of my legions, in a tricksy Eldar trap move on Istaan. And now you show up at my house. UNINVITED even! Stole my Girl Scout cookies (I love me some Girl Scout cookies), trashed the place, and even made Sanguinius cry. I mean. Look at him!

Sanguinius is seen, pinned to a wall by a lance, he is indeed in tears, trying to go into the fetal position.

The Emperor: I mean. How RUDE can you get? You didn't even RSVP when we gave the Orks a tea party they'll NEVER forget. I even made you Warmaster. You still need an invitation!  
Horus: Stop. Talking!

Horus goes to cut off The Emperor's arm. The Emperor dodge, and stabs Horus to the deck.

The Emperor: I mean. Seriously. I was about to go lock myself into my Fortress, and then spread some nasty rumor about myself being dead. Now I can make up some story of you mortally wounding me, but I managed to kill you anyway!  
Vyce: So that's what happened...  
Abbadon: I'll take command in his stead!  
The Emperor: I think not. You are now cursed to be summoned when someone says your name THREE times.  
Abbadon: But. what...

Abbadon starts to glow...

Abbadon: Wait! NOOOOOO! *vanishes*  
The Emperor: That takes care of that. Now the rest of you should run away. Really fast. Meantime. I'm 'mortally' wounded. Spending my retirement on a Golden Throne. And then just letting the rest of the Imperium fend for themselves. As for you three.

The Emperor now looks towards Drake, Tlanextic, and Vyce.

Vyce: Yes?  
Tlanextic: We will change history!  
Lord Drake: Prepare to be destroyed!  
The Emperor: I don't think so. It's about time you went back to your own... time... Dammit! That was lame. Let me try it again... It's time you were back to time! Oh.. no.. Ah forget it!

The Emperor wiggles his nose, and the three vanish utterly.

The Emperor: That's that... Now where are my Girl Scout cookies...

Back in their own time, on board The Dragon's haste.

Lord Drake: Well... That was exciting! Let's do it again!  
Tlanextic and Vyce: NO!  
Lord Drake: Oh.. your no fun...

Tlanextic and Lord Drake depart, leaving Vyce by himself.

Vyce: About time to get out of this Anthro form... Wait a tic.. who is that?

A man in a top hat appears from the shadows...

Vyce: Oh no! Not you again!  
Lincoln: Oh yes dragon.. Ohhhh Yes...  
Vyce: No! Go away! TLANEXTIC! DRAKE!  
Lincoln: Your president needs you!!!

Zoom out to a view of the Starship.

Vyce: AHHHHHHH!

* * *


	15. Episode 15: Pimp My Golf Cart

**Lord Drake Misadventures 15**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

A large title screen displays, a golf cart behind it covered in guns, glitter, and various colors of paint. It's... Pimp my Golf Cart, Celestial edition. The Emporer is seen golfing with Nurgle (who is playing terribly), while Tzeentch uses his sorcery to make holes in ones, and Slaanesh is seen trying to molest Khorne as the blood good curses from hitting his golf ball too hard.

Elsewhere on the golf course, Khaine and the Nightbringer are trying to defeat each other in battle, while the Void Dragon watches with amusement and eats popcorn as the Deceiver tries to screw up their golf swings with startling yells at the first movement.

The camera eventually focuses on a greenskin...

Dawg Snaik: With your host... ME!

The Void Dragon steals Khaines golf cart as he is driving it away from the Nightbringer. The Golf cart is taken to the "Pimp my Golf Cart" show where a grot is driving it, who runs from the cart when it stops like it's going to explode.

Dawg Snaik: This golf cart needs moar dakka!

The same Grot comes back with a team of his fellows, and they fashion on a pair of Bolt-on Big Shootas, which are comically oversized for the golf cart.

Azog: And a dash of 'Splody

The grots look fearful as they strap a live charge to the underside of the golf cart, careful not to set it off. The spare bomb hoowever causes a poor unsuspecting Grot to explode into many peices, making it rain blood. Khorne looks up oddly from smashing Slaanesh's head with his golf club, and a nearby berserker holding the golf clubs tries his hardest not to go into a violent rage.

Dawg Snaik: Needs more Dakka.

The Grots blink, leave, and return with several Rokkit Launchers, strapping it to the top of the Golf Cart.

Azog: And a splash of red paint.

The grot team wander off again, and come back with buckets of red paint, literallly 'splashing it across the cart, getting red paint everywhere, even on the grots. One of Khorne's bezerkers mistakes it as blood and Grots fly everywhere in the ensueing slaughter.

Dawg Snaik: Needs much more Dakka.

As a result, all the Grots are dead. Nothing happen.

Dawg Snaik: I SAID! Needs more Dakka!  
Azog: Uhm. Boss. These Grots are all dead.  
Dawk Snaik: Then get some more!

Azog leaves, and comes back with a new team of Grots, looking just as scared as the first set. They carry with them a Traktor Kannon and mount it to the back of the cart.

Azog: Add a squig just for fun

The Grots look at Azog like he's crazy, and leave, then come back with a Squig, which they put in the front seat before any of them are eaten.

Dawg Snaik: NEEDS MOAR DAKKA

The grots sigh, leave, and then return with a Zzap Gun and with a great struggle, involving one of them being crushed in the process, and the Squig eating another, the gun ius moutned on top of the cart, which is struggling to keep up the weight of all the guns.

Dawg Snaik: Now itz Orky! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

This edition of Pimp my Golf Cart is sponsored by Khaine's Waffle House. The BEST waffles in the universe!

Dawg Snaik: Mmm... Waffles

Gork and Mork show up with buckets of paint

Gork: Needs more red paint!  
Mork: Makes it go faster!

The two Ork gods cover the golf cart in red paint, coating the weapons and the squig in red. The two depart, after punting a Grot.

Dawg Snaik: And that.. THAT was pimp my golf cart!

Credits roll, Khaine finds his golf cart, is horrified by it. He's seen beating the crap out of it before it explodes, sending everyone flying. Nurgle hmms to himself as he sees a grot head land into the golf hole.

Nurgle: Blimey. Hole in one.

WAAAAAGH!

* * *

  
McCarrick: The time iz at hand!  
Dru-mar: Finally. We are ready to activate the divine artifact...  
Lord Drake: Don't you mean toaster?  
McCarrick: Shush you pointy Humee. It's a divine artifact.  
Lord Drake: Are you going to argue with me Ork?  
Dru-mar: *In a whisper* Chaos Lord.. that might not be wise..  
Lord Drake: *Not bothering to whisper* I'll do as I please.  
McCarrick: I'll start a personal WAAAGH! On you.  
Lord Drake: Oh please. Like a bunch of Orks and Tau scare me.  
McCarrick: I'll plant you head on a stick!

Tlanextic and Dru-mar collectiely sigh.

Tlanextic: Gentlemen.. Gentlemen. Please, we have more improtant matters to atten to.  
Dru-mar: Our combined forces have fought off the Imperial Menance! The time is now!  
McCarrick: So.. I take the key thingy.. and put it in the slot here...

McCarrick inserts the key into the toaster, and it starts glowing, and a large warp portal opens from it.

Tlanextic: At last! True power!  
McCarrick: We're going to have one hell of a WAAAGH!  
Dru-mar: Finally.. I can dispose of this fool...  
Lord Drake: I want my toaster back!

To the surprise of those gathered. A Daemon Prince steps from the portal. He looks.. familiar.

Daemon Prince: At last! I am free!  
McCarrick: Who da hell are you?  
Lord Drake: And why do you seem.. familiar..  
Daemon Prince: I suppose I can tell you who I am before I destroy all in my path to become the Chaos God of Pure Badass! I am... Sindri!

Sindri looks around, as if expecting someone to show up and utter his name in a yell. Seeing and nothing, he focuses on the collective group.

Lord Drake: Wait. Where's the promise of power?  
McCarrick: Immortality?  
Dru-mar: Disposing of out lea-*ahem* Enemies?  
Sindri: Do I look like a genie?  
Lord Drake: Are you the tooth fairy then?  
Tlanextic: *sighs* My Lord. That is THE Sindri. The sorceror who backstabbed Lord Bale all that time back and turned to a Daemon Prince?  
Lord Drake: Oh.  
McCarrick: Well then.. Sindri! I am Lord-Inqusitor McCarrick!  
Sindri: You look like an Ork to me McCarrick.  
McCarrick: Thats' LORD-INQUISITOR McCarrick.  
Sindri: Right.. right.. lord Inquisitor.. What is it you want?  
McCarrick: Untold power and immortality!  
Sindri: What's all this about me giving things? I don't give things. I take them away.  
Lord Drake: Toaster?  
Sindri: I'm done with it. Have it back.  
Lord Drake: FINALLY!

The Chaos Lord grabs the toaster, and hugs it in his arms.

Lord Drake: Back in my arms.. my.. sweet.. Oh.. hell.

Lord Drake is busy, Tlanextic eyes Sindri.

Tlanextic: So now what?  
Sindri: I will become the Chaos God of PURE Badass.  
Tlanextic: How?  
Sindri: You know.. I never thought of that...

The Space Marines arrive on scene!

Ezra: What in the...  
Camilo: Gasp!  
Versian: SEE! SEE! I was right. They were doing nothing. HERESY GROWS FROM IDLENESS!  
Camilo: Gasp.  
Ezra: So... Where does Idleness come from?  
Versian: It comes from.. nothing. It doesn't matter. They must be purged. PURGED.  
Sindri: Ugh. You fools again.. As long as I don't have to see the Blood Ravens..  
Boreale: Did I hear Blud Rehvens?  
All: Oh god.  
Boreale: The Spess Mahreens are here!

Ezra: Who brought him along?  
Versian: Not me.  
Camilo: He's been shadowing us.  
Boreale: Battle Brothers! I'm sure you aren't trying to lose me. We shall not fail the Emprah!  
Ezra: Riiight.  
Sindri: Well fools! Prepare to be deafeated!

In an epic battle, Sindri and the others fight for dominance. Space Marine against Tau, Ork, and Chaos, against Sindri. In a battle SO epic, it cannot be contained in this format, and has therefore been censored by the Inquisition. The Emporer Protects.

Sindri: NOO! I am beaten!

Sindri vanishes into a puff of smoke.

Lord Drake: That was easy.  
Tlantextic: Easy? EASY!? We had to fight Primarchs! DAEMONS! Cultists from hell! Pop-eye, anime chicks, potato bugs,, George W Bush! Bill S Preston and Theofore Logan! Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock and Hulk Hogan! Who cam outta nowhe-  
Lord Drake: Yes. Yes... We were there.  
Dru-Mar: So no special powers?  
McCarrick: Curses! The fools! The cowards! You failed!  
Dru-Mar: Not failure sir.. just. unexpected results...

The Ork sighs, and drags Dru-Mar off as the army moves out. Lord Drake shakes his head, sighing and leaving the wounded Space Marines behind.

Meanwhile... On the Dragon's haste.

Vyce: Well?  
Lord Drake: Was all a flop. A fake ruse. A Red Herring.  
Vyce: I see. Well. In that case.

Vyce digs around his lair, and places a dunce cap on Lord Drake's head.

Vyce: You and that toaster. Hope your happy.

* * *

Lord Drake: Look! Up in the sky!  
Dragonspit: Is it a bird?  
Rhuemwight: Is it.. a.. a.. plane?  
Tlanextic: No you idiots. It's a Hive Ship. The Tyanids are here. I suggest running. Fast.  
Lord Drake: HAH! Tyranids Smeara..nids.. They don't scare me!  
Rhuemwight: *Goes wide-eyed* My Lord! The Rippers! They are coming!

A wave of Rippers grabs Rhuemwight, ignores the other Chaos, and drags him away. Lord Drake merely watches, calmly, Tlanextic facepalms, and Dragonspit finds himself knocked down by a Carnifex.

Carnifex: *In a thick, fake British accent* By jove! I am SO so sorry~! WhatEVER can I do to repay you?  
Tlanextic: Wait. Your speaking.. British.. Polite.. Ooof... My brain hurts x.x  
Carnifex: Not all of us. See this chap?

The Carnifex tries, unsuccessfully, to grab a Termagants with his claws, intend ripping the poor bastards apart. He sighs and skewers one.

Carnifex: Right. See this fella here? He's not very smart by himself.  
???: Crikey! Ain't she a buet?  
Carnifex: Oh no...  
Lord Drake: Who the hell are you?  
???: Me? I'm the.. TYRANID HUNTER!  
Tlanextic: The who?  
Tyranid Hunter: The Tyranid Hunter. Jesus, haven't you heard of me? I'm one of Inquisitor Kryptman's assitants! I'm dedicated to finding and learning all I can about the Tyranid Species, while at the same time promoting environmental protection.  
Tlanextic: *Looking upwards* We're going to hell for this one.  
Lord Drake: Breaking the fourth wall now? Thought that was my job?  
Tlanextic: He's also in Ultramarine armor.

The Tyranids Hunter is busy inspecting the Cernifex's every detail.

Tyranid Hunter: See. I just need to sneak up on this one. This one, A Carifex, she's a buet. A FINE specimen. We'll need to take her back. Boys?

A Squad of Ultramarines tackle the Carnifex and tie him up, then drag him away.

Tyranid Hunter: Let me know if you see any of the little bastards. I call 'em Rippers. Because they RIP YA. Haha. Get it?

Tlanextic and Lord Drake groan.

Tyranid Hunter: Bah. You both are lame.

A Hive Tyrant nears, inspecting the three of them.

Hive Tyrant: Humans! You MUST be devored!  
Tyranid Hunter: Blimey! NOT on my watch!

The Tyranid Hunter points, and the Ultramarines come back and try to tackle him. The Hive Tyrant sighs and bats them away.

Hive Tyrant: Oh dear. I think you misunderstood. We're inviting you to Dinner.  
Lord Drake: Probably AS dinner.  
Tlanextic: So who the hell are you strange ones?  
Hive Tyrant: Us? We're Hive Fleet Bahamut. A splinter fleet of it, the others are too boorish and 'DEVOUR EVERYTHING' this.. and 'DEVOUR EVERYTHING' that. I mean.. Really.. how rud-

The Hive Tryant is interrupted as he's shot by an Ultramarine.

Tlanextic: Was that neccesary?  
Tyranid Hunter: Absolutely! You let one get to ocose and she'll RIP YOUR ARMS OFF. She's the most dangerous of this size of 'em. CRIKEY! A Lictor!

Lord Drake watches him wander off, shaking his head as Tlanextic grabs a passing Hormagaunt.

Hormagaunt: Mew?  
Tlanextic: Hormagaunts don't mew.  
Hormagaunt: I was trying to confuse you. It clearly didn't work. PUT ME DOWN!

Tlanextic drops the 'Gaunt suprisingly, who skitters away quickly.

The Red Terror goes by.

Red Terror: Pardon me! Excuse me! SORRY!

The Tyranid Hunter runs by.

Tyranid Hunter: Hey! Wait! I need to check your gender and tag you!

The hunter skids to a stop.

Tyranid Hunter: WHOA! It's a.. a uh... Oh fiddlesticks.  
Tlanextic: Tyranid spore?  
Tyranid Hunter: Right! Right! Spore. If I get close enough to it.. And touch it.. And if we poke a hole in, it'll deflate like a balloon!  
Tlanextic: Wait! NO! Drake! Stop him?  
Lord Drake: Why? This'll be fun...

The Tyranid Hunter, in his lack of wisdom, starts poking the spore. And keeps poking it... but then it explodes, and coats the Tyranid Hunter in it's acids. The Tyranid Hunter... is unaffected.

Tyranid Hunter: Wow! That was EXPLOSIVE!

The Tyranid hunter talks to nobody, and turns to th assembled Ultramarines, and again talks to the air as if there's a camera.

Tyranid Hunter: Well! That's it today folks! Remember! I'm a trained professional! Do not. I repeat do NOT try this at home. Remember! Beware the mutant, the alien, and the hertic. Until next time!

* * *


	16. Episode 16: Not Warcraft in Space

**Lord Drake Misadventures**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

  
Lord Drake: What's this.. Ork... doing on my ship!?  
Lord Corrack: It's not an Ork. It's an orc.  
Lord Drake: What? It's the same word.  
Lord Corrack: One has a K, the other has a C. Pronouced the same.  
Lord Drake: Damn language.  
Tlanextic: My question is.. where'd he get it from?  
Lord Corrack: From that planet we passed.. I think it was called Azeroth or something. I went there on my ship, the [I]The Warped Hooker[/I].  
Lord Drake: That's a terrible name for a ship. And lame at that.  
Lord Corrack: Not as lame as The Dragon's Haste. I mean. Really. How boring.  
Lord Drake: It fit our chapter at the time. But it doesn't matter. Why an Orc? How is it better than the Orks back home.  
Lord Corrack: This one makes funny noises.  
Lord Drake: The ones back home make funny noises.  
Lord Corrack: Well this one sings! The ones back home can't sing. CAN THEY!?  
Lord Drake: Now that you mention it...  
Lord Corrack: SILENCE! I care not...  
Orc: *singing* It's not easy being greeeen...

The Chaos Dragon peers his head around the corner, sporting his Bipedal form to get around the ship.

Vyce: What the hell? Greenskin! Kill it!  
Lord Corrack: It's not an Ork! It's an Orc.  
Vyce: I fail to see the diffrence you idiot.  
Lord Corrack: Your the idiot! This one ends with a C, NOT a K.  
Vyce: Whatever Thorax.  
Lord Corrack: That's CORRACK!  
Vyce: Right. Corrax.  
Lord Corrack: I'lll rip you apart! It's CORRACK!  
Vyce: Whatever you say Coral.

The dragon pokes the Orc.

Orc: Zug Zug.  
Vyce: What?

The dragon pokes the Orc again.

Orc: Hehehe.. That tickles.

Vyce arches an eyebrow and pokes him again

Orc: STOP POKING ME!  
Vyce: Azeroth.  
Tlanextic: How did you know?  
Vyce: Observe. The next thing he'll say is "Me not that kind of Orc!"

Vyce pokes the Orc again

Orc: Me not that kind of Orc!  
Vyce: Specfically. A Peon.  
Tlanextic: How do you know such things?  
Vyce: Trade Secret?  
Tlanextic: That's my line!  
Vyce: Okay. A Vote. Mostly for my amusement. I say we go back to this.. Azeroth... and take in the sights and sounds.  
Lord Drake: Harass the locals? I'm in.  
Tlanextic: I suppose, since I'm rather bound to follow you thanks to Tzeentch and my failures.. I'll come along too.  
Lord Corrack: I can get more Orc friends!  
Vyce: So. All in favor?  
All: Aye!  
Peon: Zug zug.

With that. The Black Draconis ragtag fleet of starships turns around and move into orbit over Azeroth.

On planet...

Dwarf1: And that's how baby dwarves are made.  
Dwarf2: Gwah!  
Lord Corrack: AMAZING! And something I've never known. So that's how midgets are made.  
Drawf2: Gwah!  
Dwarf1: We're ot MIDGETS. We're Dwarves.  
Lord Corrack: Squats?  
Drawf2: Gwah!  
Dwarf1: Shh! They don't exist!  
Lord Drake: Squats?  
Dwarf2: Gwah!  
Tlanextic: Does he do that a lot?  
Dwarf1: Almost everytime.  
Squat: *walks on screen* I do too exist!  
Vyce: It's a Squat! GET 'IM!

The four chaos ones chase the Squat around for awhile, Eldrad Ulthran himself appears from nowhere (As the Eldar often do), and grabs the Squat.

Eldrad: Your coming with me Squat. Your not supposed to be here.. Your not supposed to exist. The gods have decreed it so, and you will be removed before the balance of the universe is usurped.  
Vyce: Eldrad Ulthran!  
Lord Drake: ELDAR!  
Tlanextic: Ah.. The Farseer himself.  
Eldrad: Oh bloody hell. Chaos. Get your foul selves away from me. I'm only here to correct a wrong from the universe.  
Lord Drake: Uh-huh.  
Eldrad: *sigh* Games Workshop put me to work as the Retcon enforcer ever since they forced me to fake my death at the Blackstone Fortress. Wonder where all those Genestealer cults went? Me. Wonder what happened to some strains of Tyranid? Me.  
Tlanextic: WoW.

Vyce pawfaces.

Tlanextic: What?  
Vyce: Just... Nevermind...  
Tlanextic: Right.  
Eldrad: Now if you'll excuse me..  
Tlanextic: Wait.. no..!

Eldrad shakes his head, snaps his fingers, and vanishes in some tricksy Eldar move.

Vyce: Well that was...  
Lord Drake: Special?  
Tlanextic: Pointless?  
Lord Corrack: Retarded?  
Vyce: Meh.

The dwarves, for whatever reason, are gone now, and as they move along, they see an Orc with a large blade and combat armor.

Orc: Ah! Strange Travellers from another land. Greetings!  
Lord Drake: Who the hell are you?  
Orc: Travellers.. and.. wow.. a Dragon. Can.. Can I ride you?  
Vyce: NO!  
Lord Corrack: You can ride me ALL night baby...  
Orc: This human disturbs me. Get him away..  
Lord Drake: Right. Again. Who the hell are you?  
Orc: Me? I am a Blademaster. And a Mercent who sells blades.  
Tlanextic: We're not interested.  
Blademaster: Wait! Wait! You see this sword?  
Lord Drake: Yes...  
Blademaster: Behold! Not only can this sword cut through armor.. like so..

The Blademaster demonstrates by chopping off a peice of armor on the stant.

Blademaster: And it can.. still cut a tomato!

The Blademaster also demonstrates, and the sword cuts through a tomato.

Lord Drake: Don't be silly. My sword can cut through a tomato.  
Blademaster: I challenge you to try!

The Blademaster pulls out a tomato, and then Lord Drake pulls his weapona nd trices to slice it. With a CLANG! the sword comes off of it, and Lord Drake Curses.

Blademaster: See! Yours cannot!

Vyce leans over, his snout sniffing at the tomato.

Vyce: You know.. That tomato smells suspicious.. somewhat of steel and paint. And certainly not a tomato. Can your sword cut through it?  
Blademaster: Of course! Observe!

The Blademaster goes to cut it and...

Blademaster: LOOK! An eagle!

Everyone looks away, the Blademaster quickly switches the 'tomato' with a tomato. Everyone looks back.

Lord Drake: I didn't see anything.  
Vyce: I think he just tricked us.  
Lord Drake: Don't be silly.  
Blademaster: And now. I cut the tomato!

The Blademaster cuts the tomatro effortlessly. Vyce eyes it suspiciously and sniffs at it again.

Vyce: Wait.. Now it's a tomato.  
Blademaster: Pardon? It's the same tomato.  
Tlanextic: The dragon likely speaks the truth.  
Blademaster: don't be silly. He lies.

Vyce growls and shoves the stand over, several unpainted 'tomatos' are these.

Vyce: See? A sham.  
Tlanextic: WoW... He was right.

Vyce pawfaces again.

Tlanextic: What!?  
Vyce: Nothing.. Come on.. lets go.  
Blademaster: Wait! Wait!  
Lord Drake: Now what?  
Blademaster: It even has twin blade action, for clean close shave every time!  
Tlanextic: Oh this I have to see.  
Blademaster: Watch! Watch!

The Blademaster attempts to shave with the sword, and manages to remove his head. The four of them burst into laughter as they move along the path. For whatever reason the Batman theme starts, and a Daemon appears... Or more specifically.. A Dreadlord.

Dreadlord: Dressed to kill. Blah!  
Vyce: Oh great. A Daemon with a fashion sense. Get him away from me.  
Lord Drake: Is that a dress?  
Dreadlord: This is not a dress, it's the standard Dreadlord uniform  
Tlanextic: Uh-huh.  
Lord Drake: Gee. Just what we need. An army of Daemons running around in dresses, so worried about being perfect that they'd do anything...  
Lord Corrack: Empereor's Children? Here?  
Vyce: And here I thought this world would be pure.  
Dreadlord: Vhat?  
Vyce: You know. Chaos.  
Dreadlord: Vhat?  
Vyce: Nevermind.  
Lord Drake: Just who the hell are you?  
Dreadlord: I'm a Daemon of the Burning Legion.  
Lord Drake: Burning Legion?  
Lord Corrack: Booooring.  
Lord Drake: At least your not THE CLEAVED. Or something like that.  
Lord Corrack: Or the Iron Snakes  
Tlanextic: Or the Dernhelm 9th Regiment  
Lord Drake: Or the Brazen Skulls  
Vyce: Or the Belis Corona 55th Regiment  
Tlanextic: Or the Angels Vermillion.  
Lord Corrack: Or th-  
Undead army arriving: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY  
Vyce: Where the hell did they come from?

The assembled beings of Chaos turn towards the hill, noticing a large army of the dead have arrived. One of them, looking like a ranger in a dark cloak walks up to the Dreadlord, who appears to be mumbling...

Dreadlord: And then, after I overthrow this fool...  
Dark Ranger: TICHONDRIUS!  
Tichondrius: Oh hello! I didn't know you were there!  
Dark Ranger: Stop fooling around. I heard rumors of a dragon and some strange travellers in this area. Sicne a dragon, I thought I'd bring our army.  
Tichondrius: Yes.. Yes.. Wonderful idea my Lady.

The Dark Ranger shakes her head and looks to the Chaos followers.

Dark Ranger: Who are you, who consorts with a... Uther's Ghost! A Black Dragon! I thought they were all destroyed!  
Vyce: First of all. Yes. I'm a Dragon. My fur and scales are black, but I am a Chaos Dragon.  
Dark Ranger: So you are not of the extinct Black Dragonflight?  
Vyce: Yes.  
Dark Ranger: That relieves me of my worries.

The Dark Ranger turns

Dark Danger: You can carry on my Forsaken, return to the Undercity.

She turns and regards the assembled group.

Dark Ranger: So.. Again. Who are you?

Vyce quickly makes introductions.

Dark Ranger: Interesting.. A Chaos Lord and a Sorceror. And.. A Dragon of.. Chaos.  
Tlanextic: And you are?  
Dark Ranger: How rude of me. I am Sylvanus Windrunner, the Leader of the Forsaken.  
Lord Drake: The Forsaken?  
Sylvanus: Yes...  
Tlanextic: Forsaken by whom?  
Sylvanus: The Lich King. Our former masters. Although it is a welcome change to being mindlessly controlled.  
Vyce: Yes. Understandable.  
Sylvanus: You'll also have to forget my idiot minion, Tichondrius. The fool has been forced into my service, and he plots to overthrow me.. and this.. and... that.  
Tlanextic: So... Lich King?  
Sylvanus: He's a former Orc, who is now a peice of ice... who is now part of this guy named Arthas.  
Vyce: I need to see this.  
Sylvanus: He's in Northrend.  
Lord Drake: Let's go visit him.

The 'gang' make it up to Northrend, Sylvanus and her Dreadlord minion had departed long ago. They made it to the bottom of the Icecrown Glacier by way of a portal created by a brave Undead Warlock by the name of Cormag, who nodded to the group before departing via Hearthstone.

Tlanextic: My Lord! Spiders!  
Lord Drake: Ugh. Spiders.. Why'd it have to be spiders, I hate spiders.

Flanked by spider-beings, a beetle looking thing coems up to the group of them.

Vyce: A Crypt Lord...  
Tlanextic: How do you know?  
Vyce: It's not important.  
Crypt Lord: The strands of destiny weave only a web of death.  
Lord Drake: What?  
Crypt Lord: The scourge will devour all.  
Lord Corrack: Huh?  
Crypt Lord: What a tangled web we weave  
Tlanextic: Talk sense!

A figure, clad in frosted armor, descends from the Glacier... He eyes the Crypt Lord, who seems to be a tad insane, and stops in front of Lord Drake.

???: You...  
Lord Drake: Me?  
???: You...  
Lord Drake: Me?  
???: You..  
Tlanextic: What the hell are you?  
???: I'm a Death Knight Rider. Muwahahahahaha!  
Vyce: Uh-huh... No... Really.  
Death Knight: I am... The lich king!  
Crypt Fiends (Spiders): The Lich King! The Lich King!!!  
Lich King: And I am here to destroy!  
Crypt Fiends: To destroy!  
Lich King: And I am.. the One Horseman of the Apocalypse  
Crypt Fiends: Apocalypse!  
Lich King: *singing now* I come form the darkness, and I came from the sky. I come from a former knight.. A one of Valor. I killed the King! I killed the Elves! I slaughtered my kin. And here I am.. Oh yes I am.. I am the Lich King!  
Crypt Fiends: The lich king he is. He's come to destroy.. he's come to rule.. the world!  
Tlanextic: Stop this! Stop this!

The singing and music stops with the record scrathing.

Tlanextic: NO SINGING! I already had to put up with Riverdancing. I will NOT allow 'Azeroth the Musical' to occur. I WILL NOT.  
Vyce: Wow Tlanextic...  
Lord Drake: Such Anger.

The Lich King sighs.

Lich King: No appreciation for music. Tsk. Now.. Who are you and what do you want?  
Lord Drake: Girl Scout Cookies?  
Lich King: Ooo! I LOVE girl scout cookies. I've not had them for SO long. Not since back in the day.. my mother. oh.. so wonderful.. Mm... Cookies. yes. I'll have them!  
Crypt Fiends: He'll have them!  
Lich King: Oh shut up.  
Vyce: SO. Your the almighty Lich King? You don't look like much.  
Lich King: I've been on a diet. It takes lot of work to move an Undead legion out and about. You should know..  
Vyce: Actually.. I don't.  
Lich King: What? Damn Black Dragonflight. No respect.  
Vyce: I'm not of the Black Dragonflight. I'm a Chaos Dragon.  
Lich King: Hm.. Well.  
Tlanextic: My lord. If we kill him, we'll have the gratitude of an entire planet. Think about it.. another planet ALL under your disposal.  
Lord Drake: I like the sound of it.  
Vyce: All opposed?

It's silent. Vyce nods, Lord Drake grins and in an epic battle that once again cannot fit in these pages, Lord Drakee defeats.. and kills the Lich King.

Meanwhile... Back with the Horde and Alliance.

Jaina Proudmoore: He's dead!  
Thrall: He's dead!  
Sylvanas: He's dead.  
Alliance: Ding dong the Lich is dead.  
Horde: The wicked Lich?  
Alliance: The wicked Lich!  
Both: Ding dong the wicked Lich is dead!  
Tlanextic: STOP SING!  
Jaina: Okay.. so now what do we do?  
Sylvanas: I don't know. We don't have a big enemy.  
Jaian: So now what?  
Varian Wrynn: Kill them all!  
Thrall: Defense!

The four followers of Chaos sigh as they watch the planet fall into war.

Lord Drake: This was all a waste of time!  
Tlanextic: Come on.. let's go..

...Back on the Dragon's Haste, in the dragon's lair.

Tlanextic: Who the hell is this?

Vyce blinks.

Vyce: Who the hell is what?  
Tlanextic: That!

Tlanextic point to the Blue Dragon next to Vyce.

Vyce: Oh? Her?  
Tlanextic: Her!?  
Vyce: She followed me home. Can I keep her?  
Lord Drake: Absolutely NOT! One dragon is enough on this ship, bad enough a FEMALE.  
Vyce: Too bad. Fave is staying here.

Lord Drake grumbles, giving the dragon a glare. Vyce glares back, eyes shining dangerously. Lord Drake blinks, acks, and leavs the ship hold. Vyce eyes Tlanextic, who similarly leaves. Corrack looks lustily at the dragoness..

Vyce: Ahem. This one is mine. Back.. Off...

Vyce bats Lord Corrack away.

And so... The Dragon's Haste moves on, forgetting that Azeroth ever existed.

Peon: Something need doing?  
Lord Corrack: Oh yeah baby... Ohhh yeaaah...


	17. Episode 17: Imperial Assault, Part One

**Lord Drake Misadventures 17**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

On Canad-Uhm. Cadia. Lord Drake and Tlanextic find themselves in front of an oddly modified Baneblade, with the side of it opened up, with all manner of strange thigns inside.. including...

Jim: Welcome.. welcome to Hel-uhm..Canad-Err.. Cadia.  
Lord Drake: Eh? An Imperial Guardsman?  
Tlanextic: And he's not running away.  
Jim: Why would I? What's the point. I'd miss out on the untapped plushie market. Like this thing.

Jim rustles about his 'store' and produces a plush Baneblade, with convincing lights and sounds.

Lord Drake: *eyes the plush BaneBlade* IT"S GOING TO KI-  
Tlanextic: My Lord.. It's just a plushie.  
Lord Drake: ... I knew that!  
Jim: Or IS it?

Jim presses a button, and the thing fire it's main cannon, which hits Rhuemwight and sends him flying, and unsurpisingly, makes him explode.

Jim: Ooops. It was supposed to hit you. My bad. Here! Have a Kharn doll.  
Kharn: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!  
Tlanxtic: *With sarcasm* Adorable.

Lord Drake grabs the plushie, eyes it, and pokes it again.

Kharn: MORE SYRUP.  
Lord Drake: Huh?

Lord Drake does it again.

Kharn: COMMERCIAL.  
Jim: Ooo. That appears to the be the rare 'Kooking with Kharn' edition. I didn't know I had one of those. Push it again!  
Kharn: Take deep breaths. Breathe in… breathe out. Breathe in… breathe out  
Jim: Meh.  
Lord Drake: What are you doing with all these plushies?  
Jim: I found them.  
Tlanextic: You found them!?  
Jim: Yeah. Just lying around. As if there is some sort of plushie fairy around here. Look at this one.

Jim pulls out a Commisar Plushie.

Commisar: IMPERIUM!

Jim pulls the string again.

Commisar: FUCK YEAH.

Jim: He's my favorite. Now look here. You can probably guess who this is.  
???: HERESY!  
Lord Drake: That's too generic Space Marine.  
???: NOBODY EXPECTS THE IMPERIAL INQUISITION.  
Tlanextic: Joke overused.  
???: BOLTER ROUND TO THE FACE  
Lord Drake: Hey. That must be Versian.  
Jim: Correct. My. Your a smart one. Rare among you Khornite types.  
Lord Drake: Are you implying something?  
Jim: Nope. None at all.  
Tlanextic: So what are you doing here by yourself?  
Jim: Everyone else left. Something about a Black Crusade or something. I wasn't paying attention.  
Lord Drake: What're you doing with a broken landraider?  
Jim: Trade Secret.  
Tlanextic: That's MY line.  
Jim: Don't got your name on it.  
Lord Drake: And what the hell is that thing?

Jim turns, and Lord Drake is pointing at a strange looking Necron.. Thing.

Jim: I don't know. They just started showing up.

Elsewhere on Cadia.

Vyce: So... Phase Dildo robots?  
Naso: Yes! They'll yam anything that moves. The fools here will be too busy running to offer any resitance.  
Vyce: And this is to?  
Naso: To nothing. It's all for my amusement. Abby can take all he wants with his 15th Black Crusade, in the meantime, I just want to terrorize the populace.  
Vyce: I think I'll watch, and might take a few notes.  
Naso: You might learn a few things Dragon.

Naso peers over the tall building the both of them are on, and his hands glow with energy.

Naso: Rise my army! Prepare to yam the fools into oblivion! HAHAHAHAHA

Back to Lord Drake and Co.

Lord Drake: Did that thing just move?  
Jim: Yipes! Indeed it did.

The strange machine slowly comes to life, and tries to pounce Jim, who moves out of the way because he was faster, and the machine humps at the groun instead.

Tlanextic: Oh god.  
Lord Drake: The Igloo and the Malfunctioning Necrons were bad enough. Now we have sex crazed Necrons!

Screaming is heard and the sound grows, and in some cases it dies down to moans, but to others, it is obvious. A new force is in town. And it's yamming the populace.

Abbadon: What in the hell?  
Drach'Nyen: It seems Slaanesh is in full force here.  
Abbadon: I can see that daemon. How.. Amusing. The gods do my work for me.

Elsewhere.

Imperial Commisar: Orange CAT regiment! Prepare to move out. We will take the fight to the enemy an-AUUUGH!

One of the Phase Dildos tackle the commisar, IG 547, 324, and 126 look on.

IG 126: Wow.. That's somehting I haven't seen before.  
IG 324: Ugh. I hate these uniforms, and they assigned us new numbers.  
IG 547: How do I get out off this chickenyam outfit?  
IG 324: I vote we frag this commander.  
IG 126: Oh my god. He's whacked.  
IG 324: Why are we sounding like Starcraft Characters?  
IG 547: StarWHAT?

Eldrad appears, sighing, and waves his hands.

Eldrad: There is no Starcraft. There is no Starcraft. Back to what you are doing...

Eldrad vanishes again.

Ig 126: What was going on?

A pained groan emits from the Commisar.

IG 324: Oh. Right.  
IG 547: I say we kill 'em both.  
IG 126: Agreed..

The IG work on removing their commander and the robot, and the fighting and the.. humping rages on.

Announcer: We require more minerals.  
Naso: Fuck you bitch. I do what I want.  
Vyce: Why in the world are we getting Starcraft qoutes all over the place.  
Annoucer: Spawn more Overlords.  
Naso: Does it matter?  
Vyce: I think it does.. In fact.  
Announcer: Nuclear Launch Detected.  
Vyce: Oh shi-

There's a mushroom cloud, and Phase Dildos fly everywhere.

Naso: Oh dear. Peices everywhere. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.  
Vyce: I'm more concerned about the accounted,  
Naso: Don't be silly. We need a larger robot.

Naso raises his arms again, and the peices of the Phase Dildos form together to create a giant Phase Dildo machine.

Naso: See? Easy.  
Vyce: But now it can't yam things.  
Naso: Oh yes it can.

Naso points, and a port opens on the machine, and wires fly out and start latching onto things and pushing into them.

Vyce: You made a giant tentacle monster.  
Naso: Yes! Isn't it wonderful?  
Vyce: Next we'll be in Mega Tokyo.  
Naso: Oh your so worried Dragon. This is for our amusement.  
Vyce: Heh.  
Announcer: We require addtional pylons.  
Artanis: Fuck you Aldaris, I don't need additional pylons.  
Vyce: What the hell?  
Artanis: What the hell?  
Vyce: Protoss?  
Naso: Oh my. New faces to have fun with.

Naso pokes Artanis

Artanis: Explain this odd behavior.  
Naso: I require no explanation.

Naso pokes him again, Vyce pawfaces.

Artanis: Stop poking me!  
Naso: No.

Naso does it again

Artanis: What do I look like, an Orc?

Naso: Now that you mention it..

Naso pokes him again.

Artanis: This is not Warcraft in space!  
Vyce: I'd hope not.  
Artanis: It's much more sophisticated!  
Vyce: But it's no-  
Artanis: I know it's not 3d!  
Vyce: How many times was that?  
Naso: Uhm...Four.  
Vyce: Do it six more times.  
Artanis: Ahh! Ow! Urk! Mrrf! Ooo.. Mmm...

After the sixth poke, Artanis explodes.

Naso: Tsk. Shame. He was starting to enjoy it.  
Vyce: This is too weird.  
Naso: I have a giant yam robot and you think -that- was weird?  
Vyce: Something is going on. And I really don't know what. Dimensional walls are being broken... And for little reason. First Azeroth... and now.. Starcraft. What the hell is going on?  
Naso: It matters not no?  
Vyce: Perhaps. But... I need to grab my minions. Yam a few Imperials for me Naso.  
Naso: You know I will.

Vyce nods, and then leaps off the building, and flies towards the broken down Baneblade.

Jim: holy crap! What's that thing!  
Lord Drake: It's a bird!  
Tlanextic: What? no you idiot. too big for a bird.  
Lord Drake: It's a plane?  
Tlanextic: All the Imperial planes are shot down.  
Lord Drake: It's superman?  
Tlanextic: Superman does NOT have wings you twit.

Vyce lands near the Baneblade, Jim closes the window on the thing.

Vyce: Are you seeing what I'm seeing?  
Tlanextic: Tentacle robots?  
Vyce: Other than that?  
Tlanextic: Hm?  
Vyce: I think we're in for something big soon.  
Lord Drake: There's already big things.  
Vyce: No you idiot, not the robot! Azeroth isn't supposed to exist here, and I saw some people from Starcraft. Some sort of walls are breaking down.  
Tlanextic: Gasp! A plot! Ugh. Leave me out.  
Vyce: Oh no. Your coming with.

Vyce looks up in time to see some sort of portal open in space, and various ships and structures appear, diverse and diffrent.

Tlanextic: Oh god.  
Lord Drake: This should be interesting...

And as they stare, a massive fight begins, and the robots are fighting various things.

Tlanextic: And with the power of a bad cross fanfic... The insanity starts.  
Lord Drake: Well. Let's welcome out new guests! To the fight!

Continued...


	18. Episode 18: Imperial Assault, Part Two

Lord Drake Misadventures 18  
Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

Emphraim: I don't know what these strange soldiers are with their weird weapons... But they are branding us as evil! We must fight back!

Emphraim and his 'warband' (Or whatever you can call his group of warriors) are fighting in the streets of Cadia against IG, Medieval soldiers, and the like.

Cormag: So. Tana. Thing your ready for the class transformation?  
Vanessa: I'm eager to see where your going to go.

Tana, the Pegasus rider, nods.

Tana: Yes my friends. I am ready. But we ar ein the middle of battle, are we not?

Cormag and Vanessa exchange glances, several Guardsmen are using their lasguns against the two dragon riders, and the riders and the dragon's don't seem to notice, and Vanessa's dragon dodges attacks with frightening ease.

Cormag: These guys? They're just as easy as the guys back home.  
Vanessa: Come. Let's see.

Tana nods, and Tanessa gives the Girl an Elysium Whip. She clutches it, and a bright light engulfs her, when it is gone...

Tana: My Pegasus... turned into a.. Dragon!?

Cormag tilts his head, and Vanessa shrugs.

Tana: I understand how Syrene went from Pegasus Knight to Falcoknight.. but my pegasus changed species!  
Cormag: I wouldn't question it.  
Vanessa: After all. When Emphraim changes classes, he appeared to pull a horse out of his ar-  
Cormag: Ahem. Out of nowhere.  
Vanessa: Right.  
Tana: But I just wanted a pony. A PONY.  
Lord Drake: Oh not you lot again.  
Vyce: Well, this should be amusing.  
Emphraim: Heyyy.. You guys look familiar.  
Lord Drake: That line has to get old eventually.  
Tlanextic: Or we'll just keep making fun of our own jokes.  
Lord Drake: This is only our 18th one. And we're already skimping on originality.  
Vyce: Ahem. Fourth wall.  
Lord Drake: Wait? What?  
Vyce: Nevermind.  
Tana: Are you a pony?  
Vyce: NO. Have THIS pony.

Vyce pulls a pink unicorn from the Warp.

Unicorn: Chaaaarlie.. Let's go to Candy Mountain Charlie...  
Lord Drake: No! NO! NOT AGAIN! GET IT AWAY

The Unicorn advances on Lord Drake.

Unicorn: Chaaaaarl-

There is a sudden explosion as a new form of Phase Bot comes into existence near the Unicorn. A Pimped out purple Monolith hovers in the space, and it lands on top of the Unicorn. A Stalker ponders out of it.

Pimp Stalker: Sup bitches.  
Lord Drake: Huh?  
Pimp Stalker: Shut up mofo. I'm a Pimp Stalker. And this is my Pimpalith. Now where's Naso?  
Vyce: Uhm. He's over there?  
Pimp Stalker: Thank you my man. I might reward you with a Necron Prostitute.  
Tlanextic: How in the hell does that work?  
Pimp Stalker: Hell if I know. It just does. Now if you'll excuse me. Me and my pimptastic Pimpalith are going to go find Naso and join the Phase Dildo army. Too da loo.

With another explosion, the Pimpalith vanishes.

Tlanextic: What's with the explosion?  
Lord Drake: I dunno.  
Vyce: Well. We're off.

A Space Marine Appears!

Versian: Not so fast!  
Lord Drake: Oh not you again.  
Camilo: We have you!  
Ezra: Surrender now or prepare to fight.  
Camilo: That's right!  
Tlanextic: Oh for the love of...  
Vyce: Do you guys mind? We're in a hurry.  
Versian: Right. And that's why we need to stop you!  
Camilo: You Heretics MUST have caused this.

A few forms appear...

Carron: METAL BOXES  
Eliphas: We must take away their... Metal Boxes.  
Bale: SIIIIINDRI!  
Versian: Oh no! It's the Dawn of War Terrible Trio!  
Camilo: We must destroy them!  
Ezra: We'll get you later dragon.  
Carron: Hehe.. Haha... POWER ARMOR. ME.. Me.. METAL BOXES.

Tlanextic palmfaces, and the Chaos group hurriedly move on.

Orc: Zug Zug.  
Azog: No! NO! WAAAAAGH!  
Orc: Zug Zug.  
Azog: Youz not Orky!  
Dawg Snaik: I don't think he's that kind of Ork.  
Orc: Zug zug.  
McCarrick: You stupid gitz! That one isn't Orky at all.  
Azog: Then what's he doing here?  
McCarrick: I don't know.  
Tlanextic: Oh bloody hell... Orks.  
Lord Drake: Is it me, or are all of the characters showing up here at once?  
Vyce: Must be that warp portal that's still disgorging things.

As they look up again, a swarm of Tyranid Gargoyles slam into what appears to be... some sort of metal flying thing with a plunger arm and a whisk arm, and the rest of it's forces for no reason.

Vyce: Hm. Tyranids Vs. Darleks.  
Lord Drake: Who would win?  
Tlanextic: Don't start THAT topic up again.  
Lord Drake: Huh?  
Eldrad: Am I going to have to become the 4th wall police now?  
Vyce: JESUS CHRIST!

Vyce has jumped from Eldrad's sudden appearance.

Vyce: Will you STOP doing that?  
Eldrad: I do as I please Daemon.  
Vyce: So why are you here?  
Eldrad: I have nothing better to do, and Games Workshop wants me there to figure out what in the hell is going on here.  
Vyce: I have no idea.  
Eldrad: I figured as much. An-What the HELL!?

Eldrad points, and the three look over to see the giant Phase Robot, it's tentacles swaying back and forth as it finds victims. An Imperium Titan walks towards it, weapons priming and charging up as it approaches. The machine turns as the Titan blows it to peices. Naso can be heard cackling as he works his warp sorcery again and the machine reforms, sprouting massive weapons in addition to the tentacles and proceeds to rip the Titan apart.

Vyce: Oh. That's nothing...  
Eldrad: No no NO! That's not.. I.. what... GAH

Eldrad fusses and fumes before moving towards the thing and Naso.

Vyce: I wonder where all this is coming from.  
Tlanextic: I'm not sure....

Suddenly, a hole opens beneath them, and they're now in a strange building away from the fighting, but the power is strong here.

Tlanextic: What the hell was that?  
Vyce: I think that was.. A plot hole!?  
Lord Drake: This just keeps getting worse and worse.  
Tlanextic: So.. What is this room?  
Lord Drake: Well. it looks like the control room the Necrons have.  
Tlanextic: There's a bunch of buttons.  
Lord Drake: Ooo! Ooo! I want to press one.  
Vyce and Tlanextic: NO!

Lord Drake hits a random button and... Nothing seems to happen.

"Well that was lame." Lord Drake said, eyeing the button and sighing a little, having hoped for a big explosion or something. The Daemon Dragon, Vyce, ponders a bit, not really seeing anything new or strange occurring. Tlanextic is looking around, and wanting an escape route so he can finally be free of that fool Lord Drake and rule his own Chaos Legion and take over the galaxy.

"Can we go now before you break something?" Vyce asks, and Lord Drake looks at him like there's a tentacle coming out of his ear.

"What? Don't be silly. I want another button!" Lord Drake says before pressing another button.

Lord Drake: Well that was just as disappointing.  
Vyce: Wait. There's something new.

A thing barges into the room from a portal that just opened and closed. It's red, spiked, and it looks like a Daemon.

Tlanextic: Friend of yours?  
Vyce: Don't know him.  
Daemon: Don't know me? Don't know me!? RAAAAAGE. I am DIABLO. The LORD of Destruction.  
Lord Drake: Sure you are. What have you done?  
Diablo: I have.. have... been defeated twice by my enemies.. And. I think I will be again. Stupid Blizzard and adventurers.  
Vyce: Hm. Maybe you could.. Oh.. i don't know. Raise an army and attack? As opposed to just sitting around and letting Adventurers come kill you?  
Diablo: You know.. I had not thought of that. I was so comfortable with my normal routine it never occurred to me I could simply go and CRUSH them.

Diablo turns around, and gets swept up as a mob of Tyranids flee from a group of Daleks as they go through the portal for Diablo to get back home. A cow, walking on it's hind legs and carrying a scythe pokes through the portal.

Cow: Moo?  
Vyce: What? It's.. a.. Cow.  
Lord Drake: Hm. I realm of defenseless cows. I smell slaughter.  
Tlanextic: Drake! NO!

Lord Drake doesn't listen and leaps through the portal, chain-axe first. A few minutes later, Lord Drake runs out of the portal, coated in blood and his Chainaxe coughing.

Lord Drake: Quick! CLOSE THE PORTAL! There's a cow army! With.. with... the Lord of Cows!  
Tlanextic: Uh-huh.. Lord of Cows.. Suuure...  
Lord Drake: I'm serious! There's too many! I haven't seen this many before! CLOSE THE PORTAL.  
Vyce: There is no cow level.

The portal closes itself, just before it gives a view of a mob of cows trying to exit through.

Lord Drake: I hope they get eaten by the Tyranids!  
Vyce: Seconded.. *shivers*  
Tlanextic: You've both lost it.  
Lord Drake: So now what?  
Tlanextic: I would assume we're not done here yet. I can still hear all the explosions outside.  
Vyce: And the orgasmic screaming...  
Tlanextic: I'd rather pretend it doesn't exist.  
Vyce: So how do we turn this thing off?  
???: You don't.

The trio turn around.. to see none other than...

Vyce: The Emperor of Mankind!?  
Lord Drake: Arms yourselves!  
Emperor: Fancy meeting you three again. I loved those Girl Scout cookies. Would you possibly have some more?  
Vyce: Are YOU causing all of this mess?

The Emperor smiles toothily.

Emperor: Why yes.. Yes I am.  
Lord Drake: Wait. but.. but.  
Tlanextic: Your supposed to be the good guy!  
Vyce: And us the villains...  
Emperor: Quite right, yes. Isn't this an interesting turn of the table?  
Tlanextic: Soo.. Why are you screwing up time and space?  
Emperor: You see. When I went on vacation and made everyone think I was dead and on a Golden Throne and all that... I wanted to see what would happen to my precious Imperium without me. And I don't like the results.. Scandal.. Corruption.. Cruelty after cruelty.  
Vyce: So you don't approve?  
Emperor: Of course not! SO! In an effort to remove corruption EVERYWHERE. I opened up a warp portal that crossed dimensions and enabled various races to clear themselves out in a war while I sit back, watch, and destroy the victors.  
Tlanextic: Wouldn't it be easier to just do it yourself?  
Emperor: You know. I hadn't thought of that.  
Tlanextic: All of this seems time-consuming and inefficient.  
Emperor: Well. How would YOU do it?  
Tlanextic: Raise a mighty fleet?  
Emperor: Well..  
Tlanextic: I mean. The High Lords of Terra might throw a fit. But your the Emperor, Space Marines would follow you, the Techpriests of Mar...  
Emperor: But they're corrupted. Seeing me as a god!  
Tlanextic: Didn't Mars do that before?  
Emperor: You might have a point. Unless that Void Dragon fellow is up to something.

The Void Dragon, being behind the Emperor for some reason freezes. Vyce and Tlanextic stare.

Emperor: What? Your looking at me like I grew another head.. What's so..

The Emperor turns around, and sees the Void Dragon.

Emperor: What in the?  
Lord Drake: The Void Dragon!  
Emperor: What? No. That's my statue of him. See? He barely moves.  
Vyce: Wait. If he's been sleeping, how would you know what he looks like?  
Emperor: How would YOU know Daemon?  
Vyce: Good question...  
Emperor: Anyway. That Void Dragon doesn't matter, he's obviously sleeping.

The Void Dragon twitches, and then sneezes.

Emperor: My statue moves AND sneezes. AMAZING.  
Vyce: Unless he's actually the Void Dragon.  
Emperor: Don't be silly. The Void Dragon is sleep-AHHH

The Void Dragon strikes and pounces the Emporer.

Void Dragon: A statue am I? Asleep am I? Your a fool! I will destroy you!

An Epic battle between the two occur. And in typical style, is too epic to fit in these pages. What a shame. The Author should be fire for this stupidi- AAARGH.

A screen flashes up for a moment... "We are experiencing technical difficulties.. please stand by."

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Lord Drake Misadventures.

Emperor: Fine. You win. For now.

The Emperor flees, the Void Dragon smirks.

Void Dragon: now to shut this operation down...

The Void Dragon walks over to the console, hits a few buttons, and the ships and other things that weren't supposed to be there vanishes. The Daleks, getting their arse beaten by the Tyranids, vanish, while other ships and creatures disappear.

Naso, seeing the fun vanish, recalls his army and promptly vanishes to another world. The Chaos Trio fall through another Plot Hole and end up in The Dragon's Haste.

Vyce: Well that was...  
Tlanextic: Interesting...  
Lord Drake: Let's just stay away from Cadia.. Shall we?  
All: Agreed..

And with that.. our 'heroes' leave for other exploits.


	19. Episode 19: Space Puppies

Lord Drake Misadventures 19  
Vyce Dryke 2009

------------------------

Isstvan V...

Tlanextic: THIS is the site of the infamous Drop Site Massacre. Staged by Horus.  
Lord Drake: That's nice and all. But isn't Horus dead?  
Lord Corrack: I boned Horus once. It was great.

The two other Chaos beings just stare at him.

Lord Corrack: What?  
Lord Drake: You didn't exist then.. did you?  
Tlanextic: It doesn't matter. I think I see a loyalist ship.  
Lord Drake: Really?  
Tlanextic: It resembles the Strike Cruiser Claw of Russ...  
Lord Corrack: Russ? I hear he's a hottie.  
Lord Drake: Is that all you think about? What are the Space Wolves doing here?  
Tlanextic: Hell if I know.  
Lord Drake: What's with the elevator music?

Ooops...

On board The Claw of Russ.

Logan Grimnar: Isstvan V... WE MEET AGAIN.  
Ragnar Blackmane: So.. why are we here again sir?  
Logan: Isn't it obvious? There are Chaos beings there! And it HAS to be the same as the ones that destroyed our precious SPEAR OF RUSS.  
Ragnar: That's what you said about the last five Chaos Lords and Sorcerors. And did they do it? Nooo...  
Logan: Don't be silly Ragnar. These are the ones. I feel it.  
Ragnar: What are the Ultramarines doing here?  
Logan: ULTRAMARINES!? The cowards. The Fools. They come to steal our revenge away.

Aboard the Vae Victus...

Marneus Calgar: SO. SPACE WOLVES! They're here to take our revenge away.  
Roboute Guilliman: THE COWARDS! THE FOOLS!  
Uriel Ventris: Isn't that joke getting old by now?  
Guilliman: I suppose...  
Calgar: We have been using it a lot..  
Guilliman: But that's not important! The Space Wolves are here to ruin everything.

Back on Isstvan...

Tlanextic: I have a bad feeling about this.

Ultramarine and Space Wolf land via Drop Pod, and walk up to each other.

Logan: THE COWARDS.  
Guilliman: THE FOOLS.  
Logan: ULTRAMARINE!  
Guilliman: SPACE WOLF!  
Logan: These Heretics are MINE to purge.  
Guilliman: I saw them first.  
Logan: No you didn't, where'd you come from?  
Guilliman: Well. Uhm..  
Uriel: Oh this is tiring.  
Lord Drake: Worst-case scenario?  
Tlanextic: They band together and kill us.  
Lord Drake: Best Case?  
Tlanextic: They turn on each other.  
Uriel: Guys! GUYS! Isn't the Chaos Marines more important?  
Logan and Guilliman: NO!  
Uriel: Ugh. Whatever happened to Russ?  
Logan: Uhm. He's dead.  
Uriel: Curses! No plot armor?  
Logan: What's that?  
Ragnar: What do you mean what's that?  
Uriel: I thought everyone had a plot armor button.  
Gulliman: I don't...  
Calgar: Oh no! Prepare the stasis fields!  
Guilliman: Wait.. What!?  
Calgar: You have no plot armor! You might as well be a Red Shirt! QUICK!  
Guilliman: Wait.. NO. I'm STILL ALIVE!

The Ultramarines drag Guilliman away, leaving the Space Wolves behind.

Tlanextic: Damn. I wanted them to fight each other.  
Lord Drake: I thought he was already dead.  
Tlanextic: You thought the Emperor was dead...  
Lord Drake: He tricked me!  
Logan: Ahem.  
Ragnar: Yes. Ahem.  
Lord Drake: Oh. Hi.  
Logan: You broke the spear of Russ!  
Tlanextic: We did?  
Lord Drake: Huh?  
Ragnar: You.. don't know...?  
Logan: But it must be you! IT MUST! You match the descriptions from a Dark Eldar named.. Diaz.  
Lord Corrack: I REMEMBER HIM! He's cute.  
Logan: This is the part where we kill you.  
Ragnar: Horribly.  
???: CHEERIO!

All turn to the newcomer. The newcomer is a Tyranid, a Hive Tyrant at that, wearing a top hat and a monocle.

???: Why hello there Space Marines and Chaos.  
Lord Drake: Uhm.. Hi?  
Ragnar: TYRANID!  
Logan: Who in the hell are yu?  
Sawblade: I am Sawblade. And I am a Tyranid. And you seem to be about to destroy my friends here...  
Tlanextic: Friends?  
Sawblade: Well. You see. I'm allied with a certain Slaanesh Daemon known as Naso. I recognize these two also on friendly terms with Naso. You are the Black Draconis.. Correct?  
Lord Drake: Yes. Yes we are...  
Sawblade: Splendid! Now. Since you both probably have Plot Armor. I'll just have to carry you away by force.

Sawblade summons a flock of Gargolyes, who make the Space Wolves get carried away.

Sawblade: SO. Now that that is done with... Hello Chaos folks.  
Lord Drake: Folks?  
Tlanextic: Your rather civilized for a Tyranid.  
Sawblade: Indeed. But if you add it up to all the other strange things going on within our galaxy... It's not that odd, now is it?  
Tlanextic: Bah. You have a point.  
Sawblade: And you must be Corrack.  
Lord Corrack: Aye...  
Sawblade: Naso has told me ALL about you. And what to look out for.  
Lord Corrack: Curses!  
Sawblade: Besides, if your really desperate, I'm sure Naso has Slaanesh Tyranids somewhere.  
Tlanextic: Slaanesh Tyranids?  
Lord Drake: What would they look like?

Sawblade sighs and pulls out a photo, showing it to Lord Drake and Tlanextic.

Lord Corrack: Hot damn.  
Lord Drake: For once I agree with you.  
Tlanextic: You two sicken me. Xenos are NOT attractive.  
Lord Drake: Maybe you just gay then.  
Tlanextic: AM NOT!  
Lord Corrack: Hotness...  
Tlanextic: Sickening.  
Sawblade: Okay. Whatever, I'm not concerned about them anyway.

Sawblade hands Corrack the picture before promptly shoving him away. Another Drop Pod lands, coated in Ultramarine colors. It opens up to reveal...

Beserker: WE NEED A NEW DRIVER... This one.. is.. uhm.. dead.  
Other Berzerker: Uhm. Bob. Drop pods don't have drivers.  
Berserker: I didn't ask you!  
Lord Drake: Who the hell are you guys?  
Bezerker: We are. The Ultramarines!  
Tlanextic: My Lord. These might be the fabled 'Khorne's Confused'.  
Lord Drake: Is that their actual name?  
Tlanextic: No. A nickname given to them. For whatever reason they think they're Ultramarines.  
Lord Drake: And why hasn't anyone told them?  
Tlanextic: They get killed for being heretics my lord.  
Lord Drake: Wow.  
Beserker: You there! With the helmet.. and the red.. and the dragons. And that... Tyranid guy.  
Other Beserker: Tyranids! They ravaged our poor planet Macragge.  
Sawblade: Hm? Wasn't me. Although I wouldn't mind some smurf punting.  
Lord Corrack: Why does that one "I'm blue" song come to mind?  
Tlanextic: With you? Who knows.  
Beserker: It doesn't matter. I am Guilliman.  
Other Beserker: And I am Calgar.  
Sawblade: Hmm.. Didn't Calgar and them just float away?  
Other Berserker: Me in two places? Don't be silly.  
Sawblade: Hm. Are you thinking what I'm thinking Sorceror?  
Tlanextic: Probably not.  
Sawblade: Your no fun.  
Calgar: Ah-HAH! We have returned.  
Ventris: And not a moment too soon.  
Calgar: MORE heretics. You see Ventris? When one heretic appears... other spawn from nowhere.  
Ventris: But.. why are these new ones in our colors...?  
Beserker: Ah-hah! Space Marines! In... our colors. What!?  
Other Beserker: Who are you?  
Calgar: I am Marnues Calgar. More like.. Who are you?  
Other Beserker: But.. what? I'm Marnues Calgar.  
Ventris: No your not.  
Beserker: Yes he is.  
Ventris: And who the hell...  
Beserker: I am Guilliman. The Primarch!  
Calgar: Aren't you a bit short for a Primach?  
Bezerker: SILENCE!  
Sawblade: Well this should be amusing. Let me get some popcorn.  
Calgar: Now stop this heresy. Your heretics, not Ultramarines.  
Bezerker: YOUR the heretic, claiming to be us.  
Other Bezerker: Yeah. Claiming to be me.  
Calgar: But we just put Gulliman in stasis. You can't be him.  
Bezerker: IMPOSTER!  
Calgar: IMPOSTER!

The group start fighting, Sawblade laughs as Lord Drake and Co. start heading back to The Dragon's Haste.


	20. Episode 20: METAL BOXES

**Lord Drake Misadventures 20**  
Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

Lord Drake: This... THIS accursed door is the only thing between us and TRUE POWER.  
Tlanextic: You and your power. What's the problem?  
Lord Drake: This.. Keypad technology eludes me...  
Tlanextic: Oh really?  
Lord Drake: Watch and Learn.  
Tlanextic: Crash and burn?  
Lord Drake: Quiet you.

Lord Drake walks up to the ancient door, and punches in a few buttons.

Door: Thanks for playing! Try again.  
Tlanextic: What the? It spoke?  
Lord Drake: See? SEE!? It mocks me.  
Tlanextic: It's just a door, try it again.

Lord Drake grumbles and tries another set of numbers.

Door: You many have won already won another chance to guess the code!  
Lord Drake: Grrr. I WILL DESTROY YOU.  
Tlanextic: It's just a door, how can a door taunt you?

Lord Drake tries another combination.

Door: You know. You shouldn't put 333 and 666 in the same sequence! They're opposite numbers. One's the Trinity, the other is the devil's number.  
Lord Drake: The Trinity?  
Door: You know. The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit?  
Lord Drake: No?  
Tlanextic: Never heard of it.  
Door: Hm. Never seen the bible? You know. Chritianity?  
Tlanextic: Nope.  
Lord Drake: Not a thing.  
Tlanextic: Wait. Why are we talking to a door?  
Lord Drake: It's talking?  
Tlanextic: Interesting.. it must have an AI.  
Door: What are you in. The Stone age?  
Tlanextic: The 41 Millenium.. Actually.  
Door: My word. I've been here THAT long?  
Lord Drake: Yes. Now stop being a smartass and let me in.  
Door: Can't do that. You need the code.

Lord Drake grumbles and tries again.

Door: Did you realise what you just did?  
Lord Drake: Did I get the code?  
Door: Hell no. You just won one dollar for guessing today's... SECRET LOTTERY CODE!

A dollar floats down from an opening in the ceiling.

Lord Drake: What!?  
Tlanextic: My Lord... You clearly fail... I want to try..  
Lord Drake: Fine. Go ahead.

Tlanextic walks up to the door eyes it, and thinks for a moment. Then he enters a code.

Door: Feeling lucky punk?  
Tlanextic: I-  
Door: Didn't think so. Why don't you tell me about your life?  
Tlanextic: Read the Biography.  
Lord Drake: You have a Biography?  
Tlanextic: Yes. I lost it somewhere though.

The Sorceror tries again. And the door buzzes.

Tlanextic: Did I get it?  
Door: Hmm.. No.. I'm very sure 8008135 is NOT the code.  
Tlanextic: Bah. this is hard.  
Door: Not as hard as the code is.  
Lord Drake: If Lord Corrack were here, he'd sa-  
Door: What? Him? That's enough of that, think about the children.  
Tlanextic: What Children? We're being posted in a 18+ forum.  
Door: Your not supposed to know that. Do I have to fetch Eldrad?  
Tlanextic: You know. For a door that's supposed to not know what time he is, you do know a lot of people.  
Door: Some guy named Naso and his lacky Corrack was here earlier.  
Lord Drake: They must have been here too! It MUST be a sacred relic!  
Door: If you say so. Punch in another code.

Tlanextic does so.

Door: Dude. You have correctly gotten the code.  
Tlanextic: Finally!  
Door: BUT... I enjoy your company so much that I'm going to change it!

Tlanextic growls in rage and beats in a bunch of codes. Lord Drake headtilts.

Lord Drake: You know Sorceror... We DO have weapons to go through the door.  
Tlanextic: I'm SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE.  
Door: The rage.  
Lord Drake: We could destroy the door.  
Door: Wait.. WAIT. I was just kidding. I didn't change the code, type it in again!  
Tlanextic: Heh... heh.. I don't think so... You've taunted us long enough.

Lord Drake grins ferally, and pulls a Melta Gun out of nowhere.

Door: WAIT! WAIT! We can talk about this. I thought we were friends.  
Lord Drake: Nope. Sorry.  
Voice from nowhere: FINISH HIM!

Lord Drake opens fire, and the ancient door melts into a molten puddle.

Voice from nowhere: FATALITY!  
Tlanextic: Eh?  
Voice from nowhere (again): LORD DRAKE WINS.  
Lord Drake: That was.. Odd.  
Tlanextic: Okay. Let's take a look inside.

Lord Drake is followed by Tlanextic as he enters the room, there isn't much in there.. except for..

???: Huh? What? People? it's been so long!  
Lord Drake: Who the hell are you old man?  
???: Well. If you.. stay awhile and listion.. I'll tell you.

Silence.

Tlanextic: Well?  
???: I am Deckard Cain.  
Lord Drake: So?  
Cain: Well... You should stay awhile and listen.  
???: HEY! LISTEN!  
Lord Drake: The hell?  
Tlanextic: So what's all in here?  
Cain: Well. Since you managed to get through the door somehow... I bear two gifts. One..

Cain pulls a Cube from nowhere.

Cain: This is the... Horadric cube. It combines things.

Tlanextic takes it an examines the cube and opens it up.

Tlanextic: Empty. That's rather useless.  
Cain: And this other one, that I'm glad to get rid of.. Is a bottled fairy.  
Fairy: LOOK! LISTEN! LOOK OUT!

Lord Drake takes the bottle, and eyes the fairy.

Fairy: HEY! LISTEN!  
Lord Drake: Oh shut the hell up you annoying little tw-

Lord Drake grabs his axe and breaks the bottle.. and.. consequently... the fairy.  
Cain: So. I have no further purpose... I must be old..  
Tlanextic: Very.  
Cain: What? Who are you guys again?

Lord Drake sighs.

Lord Drake: This was a waste of time.  
Cain: Wait. Hello. Stay awhile and listen.  
Lord Drake: Your as bad as the FAIRY.  
Cain: What? What fairy?  
Lord Drake: don't you..  
Cain: No?  
Tlanextic: Wow. Short-term memory loss.  
Cain: Huh? Memory? Stay awhile and listen.

Lord Carron appears from nowhere.

Carron: METAL BOXES!

Carron knocks Cain unconscious, steals the cube, and vanishes.

Tlanextic: What the hell?  
Lord Drake: I.. don't... know...  
Tlanextic: This was all a waste of time. Let's go..  
Lord Drake: Agreed...

METAL BOXES.


	21. Episode 21: Nidsexmas, no, not a typo

**Lord Drake Misadventures 21**  
Vyce Dryke 2009

This one was made around December, and co-written by Naso.

------------------------

Lord Drake & Tlanextic are in a Imperial Shopping Establishmentum. Lord Drake is dressed as Santa & little kids are lining up for presents.

Lord Drake: Remind me why we're doing this?  
Tlanextic: To corrupt the innocent minds of the young for Tzeen-I mean.. Khorne.  
Lord Drake: But that doesn't make any sense! Khorne only wants blood , he doesn't care if it's children.  
Tlanextic: Yesss, but with these corrupted children turned into berserkers you can spill even more blood! Spill the BLOOD! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!  
Lord Drake: How'd you make yourself sound like that?  
Tlanextic: Trade secret. Think of the power you could wield , it is yours. Yours for the taking. Think you have the strength to use it?  
Lord Drake: Stop doing that!  
Tlanextic: What?  
Lord Drake: That voice!  
Tlanextic: I'm not doing anything. Have i led you astray thus far...?  
Lord Drake: Bah anyway, is that Corrack in the line?!  
Tlanextic: What's he doing here!? He's not supposed to be in the legion..!  
Corrack: Hello Santa!!!  
Lord Drake: I'm Drake you dolt , can't you see the poorly painted power armor!?  
Lord Corrack: Nonsense. Everyone knows Santa is old fat pedophile who gives children toys with cameras so he can spy at them.  
Tlanextic: You disgust me.  
Lord Corrack: Ooo a cute elf you got there Santa. Hey babe how about you 'n me go open some presents...  
Lord Drake: I'M NOT SANTA YOU WARPED YAMMER!

Little children burst into tears & a drama occurs too dramatic to fit these pages.

Lord Corrack: Yes you are. Look at this picture.  
Lord Drake & Tlanextic: Oh my....  
Tlanextic: The resemblance is remarkable...  
Lord Drake: Really? Is it the huge belly , the real beard , or the fact Corrack is on TOP OF HIM!?  
Corrack: Yeah it's from last weeks fiesta. My friend Lord Drake was also dressed up like you.  
Lord Drake: We had another one of those? And he didn't!  
Tlanextic: Or Did he?  
Lord Corrack: Anyway are you gonna give me presents or not?  
Lord Drake: Never!  
Tlanextic: Never say never you idiot!

Lord Corrack makes Slaaneshi Puppy Eyes.

Lord Corrack: Pwetty pwease!  
Lord Drake & Tlanextic: It's so cute!  
Lord Drake: Do we know him?  
Tlanextic: Hell if i know just give him all the presents he wants.

Corrack sits on Lord Drake while Tlanextic writes the list of what Corrak wants.

Lord Corrack: I want a dildo , a pair of jerking gloves , a whip , a bat , a Commissar's hat...

An hour & two cum shakes later

Lord Corrack:..and a life size Naso plushie!

Tlanextic hands are burning from the writing & something is dripping from Drake's ear...probably his brain.

Lord Drake & Tlanextic: Is that all?  
Corrack: Hmmm...Lemme think.

While Corrak is mumbling his list of gifts a portal opens behind him.

Naso: YOU! YOU STOLE MY SEXMAS TREE'S DILDO TOP!  
Corrack: Master! No i swear i didn't.  
Naso: Well then who did!? We can't have Sexmas without it!  
Lord Drake: Sexmas?  
Naso: You know.. it only comes once a year.  
Lord Drake: I still don't get your drift.  
Tlanextic: My Lord.. You wouldn't get his drift even if it was a snow drift falling on top of you.  
Lord Drake: I'm going to kill you.  
Naso: Ooo! Blood and violence. My favorite!  
Lord Corrack: I'll provide the females....  
Lord Drake: You and your yamming females.

The Imperium Shopping Establishment ceiling windows break as... The Tyranids appear!

Sawblade: Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry NidMas. MERRY NIDMAS! Father Nidmas is here!

Sawblade and his Tyranid minions wreck havoc here and there. Naso stands up and directs his previously not there Noise Marines and the two forces battle.

Naso: Sexmas is better!  
Sawblade: NIDMAS!  
Naso: SEXMAS!  
Lord Corrack: YOUR FACE.  
Naso and Sawblade: ....  
Lord Drake: Guys! Guys!  
Sawblade: It's Santa Claus! PURGE!  
Lord Drake: No you idiot. I'm Lord Drake. Remember.. Chaos Lord.. Black Draconis?  
Sawblade: Doesn't ring a bell.

Tlanextic and Lord Drake faceplants.

Sawblade: Your in the way of Nidmas. You must be... destroyed?  
Tlanextic: Can't we settle this in a more civilized manner?  
Naso: Never!  
Sawblade: Only over tea...  
Lord Drake: TEA!? Your in league with those Orks.. Aren't you!?  
Naso: It's not tea.. It's.. uhm.. Blood.

Naso slips Lord Drake some hallucinogens.

Lord Drake: Blood eh?

The five pull lawn chairs from nowhere, and te-*ahem*Blood is distributed as the Noise Marines and Tyranids fight each other. Sawblade is seen with a Santa hat on for some reason, insisting he is Father Nidmas.. When all of a sudden...

Melissia: Abomination!!!  
Naso: If it isn't Living Saint Melissia the Biased...  
Melissia: In the Emperor's name!!!  
Tlanextic: What IS the Emperor's name anyway?  
Melissia*shocked*: I...i...i don't know.  
Naso: All this shouting for him & you don't even know his name?!  
Melissia: You were alive during the Heresy don't you know it?  
Naso: He wasn't a very talkative guy to say the least, why'd you think we turned traitor.  
Tlanextic: Well.. you see.. The Emperor went on vacation on Terra instead of going back to Terra to work on things for the Imperium. Horus, who was jealous for not having any paid vacation days, decided that he should fight his way to his own vacation, and defeat the Emperor and rule the Imperium for all the paid vacation days he wanted...  
Melissia: I won't believe your lies!  
Tlanextic: And then.. After killing Horus, because the Emperor does not believe in Paid Vacation, the Emperor faked his death and put a sock puppet on the Golden Throne. The Imperium has been fooled ever since. And now the Emperor walks his palace.  
Melissia: that's.. that's.. impossible!  
???: No it isn't.  
Melissia: The Emperor!  
Emperor: Yes! 'Tis I!  
Melissia: Your supposed to be dead?  
Emperor: I'm on vacation... Hey! Is that Santa Claus?  
Lord Drake: No you idiot! I'm a Chaos Lord.  
Emperor: Santa fell to Chaos? Say it ain't so!  
Melissia: My Lord. Is this all true?  
Emperor: Yes. Yes it is..  
Melissia: D:

Melissia flees, crying.

Emperor: Well...  
Naso: That was pure gold. You and I should hang out.  
Emperor: Weren't you the guy with the Tentacle robot?  
Naso: Maybe.  
Emperor: I'm afraid not. I have an appointment with Slaanesh.. An Emperor needs to get in shape.. if you know what I mean.  
Naso: Well...  
Lord Corrack: We need to save SEXMAS!  
Naso: Yes! Without the Sexmas tree... All will be for naught.  
Sawblade: Never fear, Father Nidmas is here!

Sawblade pulls a dildo ornament from nowhere, and probably where someone doesn't want to know.

Naso: Ah-hah! THERE IT IS. I knew you stole it.  
Sawblade: Bah humbug. I was trying to RUIN SEXMAS.  
Lord Drake: Nobody cares about Christmas anymore?  
Lord Corrack: Shut up Santa!  
Lord Drake: I'm fooling nobody! Painted armor.. FAKE BEARD. Why can't anyone see through it!?  
Tlanextic: Maybe we're the only smart ones around here...  
Lord Drake: i doubt it.  
Naso: I.. suggest a truce... And merging Sexmas with Nidmas.  
Sawblade: No! Do you remember the LAST time we had Slaaneshi Tyranids? Hm? HM!?  
Naso: It was a good idea at the time.  
Tlanextic: *in a whisper* As good as the idea of the fiesta was a good idea at the time.  
Lord Drake: You know what? Forget this plan. Who thought of it?  
Tlanextic: *sighs* You did my Lord  
Lord Drake: Well it was terrible. I want my money back.  
Tlanextic: You don't pay yourself Lord..  
Lord Drake: I want paid vacations too!

And so.. Nidmas and Sexmas were NOT united. And the moral of this story is...

Wait? Moral? There is no 'effin moral. NOT ON MY WATCH. It's not supposed to make sense after all, I don't think there was apoint to this. xD

Merry Christmas bitches ;P


	22. Episode 22: She's what?

**Lord Drake Misadventures 22**  
By Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

The Black Draconis & Allies managed to infiltrate the Emperors palace using Girl Scout uniform disguises again.

Drake: Here's the plan , we go & offer the Emperor to buy some cokies & when he does....we kill him!  
Tlanextic: Are you even sure he's here? I mean he's been everywhere but not on his throne for the past couple of Episodes.  
Dragonspit: Milord , how are we supposed to kill him?  
Drake: You go sell cookies I'll deal with the killing!

They get to the golden throne

Custodian-captain George: Yes , can i help you?  
Tlanextic: We're selling girl scout cookies. Will the Emperor buy some?  
George: He is in the shower , I'll go ask.  
Tlanextic: Ya know , i can't believe we're actually doing this the second time...  
????: Ah there you are! Give me the order form!  
Drake: Wait , what? Who are you?  
????: Why I'm the God Emperor.  
Tlanextic: Erm...uh...how can i put it....You're a chick....

A warp portal opens & Corrack flattens Custodian-Captain George

Corrack: Babe , lose the towel & let's make this a palace of Pleasure.  
Empress: Swine *She nails him on the far wall...far as in a kilometer away with a physic blast.*  
Drake: Okay now that's scary as hell. How could she be the Emperor!?  
Empress: It that stupid armor everyone makes me wear...it's so M30...It doesn't fit me one bit!  
Tlanextic: Milord (Drake) this actually explains alot of things about the Imperium. Not only is it led by a woman , but she's blond too.  
Drake: By Khorne!!!

*Meanwhile somewhere in the warp.*

Khorne: Decapitate her!  
Nurgle: Nurgle.  
Tzeench: Quiet i want to see where this goes.  
Slaanesh & Naso:..*whisper*...*whisper*..*whisper*......*whisper*  
Slaanesh: No way! She is?  
Naso: Yep. my sister.  
The other Dark Gods: WHAT???  
Tlanextic: What?  
Empress: What!?  
Mars: What!?  
Orks: Buh!?  
Tyranids: OM NOM NOM.  
Audience: Fuck the what?  
Vizzini: INCONCEIVABLE

*Back at the palace*

Drake: Okay... So now what?  
Tlanextic: I still say we kill her.  
Drake: But what if it is just the Emperor's twin sister?  
Tlanextic: That would make sense.. but...  
Empress: They hid me because I'm a woman, and oyu know how some people view women around here.  
Corrack: Hey baby...

The Empress sighs and blasts Corrack again.

Corrack: Oh baby... you hurt so good.  
Empress: You can't kill me anyway. I'm invincible. Plot armor and all that. So nyeh..

Naso appears from the warp.

Naso: My sister. I haven't seen you in ages.  
Tlanextic: Wait.. how could A Daemon be... huh.  
Empress: Naso used to be an SM.. Duh.  
Naso: We had some.. petty squabbles.  
Tlanextic: So petty they shattered the galaxy.  
Empress: it was all in good fun.  
Tlanextic: Fun? Fun!?

Since the author is unable to figure out how to end this particular one..

/plot hole.


	23. Episode 23: World or Warhammercraft I

**Lord Drake Misadventures 23**  
By Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

Vyce: It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...  
Lord Drake: Stop being all emo, or I'll shove you out the airlock or something.

On the Dragon's Haste, the Chaos Dragon pads around his makeshift lair.

Tlanextic: Or I'll hand you over to the Dark Eldar.  
Vyce: No. You fools don't understand. That Blue Dragoness is gone, off to other things.  
Tlanextic: Well why don't we go back?  
Vyce: No point.  
Lord Drake: Here's something to cheer you up. Let's go back there and kill some of those bastards!  
Vyce: Heh.. Heh heh.. Haha.. Haha.. HAHAAHAHA. Yes... Burn.. Maim....

Zoom out to view of The Dragon's haste.

Vyce: MAIM BURN KILL!

INSANE EXTREME CLOSEUP OF LORD DRAKE! RAAAGHHH!!!

*pawfaces*

Lord Drake: Besides. What's the worst that can happen?

What's the worst that can happen indeed. As if the creators of the Universe heard these very words. Things were getting much much worse indeed. And with the power of a horrible movie script...

Back on Azeroth.

Thrall: So.. Jaina.  
Jaina Proudmoore: Yes Orc?  
Thrall: how goes the war against the Lich King?  
Jaina: Everything is going as expected.. but we've run into some Orcs that aren't... well.  
Thrall: Well what?  
Jaina: Orcy.  
Thrall: What.. what do you mean?  
Jaina: They are green of skin, like yourself, but they speak differently and use different technology.. And speak completely different.  
Thrall: Interesting.

Later.. In Northrend.

Grumlok: 'Ey. Who are ya lot? Wotcha doin' 'ere? Yer nub an Ork. Yer a SAD excuse fer wun  
Thrall: I would ask you the same question. Who are you?  
Grumlok: Meeb? Meeb be Grumlok da Ork Warboss! O' da Bludy Sun Boyz! Me'm surpriseded ya 'aven't 'eard o' meeb! Bein' da greenskin yer arez!  
Thrall: Wait.. Wait.. This is supposed to be Warcraft.  
Tchar'zanek: Oh. I'm sorry. This isn't Warcraft now.

Tchar'zanek had appeared from nowhere, smiling wickedly. Another figure melds from the shadows.

Malekith: Oh no.. No no no.. This is no longer Warcraft.  
Jaina: This is madness!  
Tchar'zanek: Madness?

Long pause.

Grumlok: THIS IZ WARHAMMA

And with that, Grumlok hefts his mighty weapon, and cleaves Thrall in two, while the Chosen Champion of Tzeentch removes Jaina's head with a single swipe.

Malekith: Yes.. yes.. This is ours now.

Elsewhere, things get... worse. ;.

Karl Franz: Oh where in the name of Sigmar are we now?  
Thorgrim Grudgebearer: Well my Imperial friend. We're obviously not at the Emperor's palace.  
Karl: I'm aware of that.  
Thorgrim: Karl is a ridiculous name.  
Karl: Why do you think I make everyone call me 'The Emperor'. At least it's not Finubar the Seafarer.  
Thorgrim: That's a frilly elf name for you.

Finubar materializes out of thin air.

Karl: Speaking of the devil.  
Finubar: I HEARD THAT! I should call you a stuntie just like those Greenskins.  
Thorgrim: Well if it weren't for YOU being in the way, we wouldn't have this problem.

A Black Dragon eyes them suspiciously.

Blackie: hey.. Hey! Elves and humans! And more dwarves.

A red dragon pokes Karl.

Reddie: They look funny...  
Karl: D-d-d-dragons!

Karl hides behind Thorgrim, Finubar looks at him and arches an eyebrow.

Finubar: No offense. But Thorgrim is a dwarf. You can't hide behind him. Your a lot taller.

Karl looks between Finubar, the dragons, and Thorgrim.

Karl: I KNEW THAT!

Finubar palmfaces.

While they take care of the dragons.. Back in orbit on the Dragon's Haste.

Vyce: Wait.. wait.. what?  
Lord Drake: Okay okay.. You see. There was this guy, he called himself Kirk. And he had these things called tribbles.

Tlanextic groans.

Tlanextic: Oh not this story.  
Dragonspit: Tell it again! Tell it again! It's the most awesomest story EVAR.  
Lord Drake: Right anyway. She he gave us this tribble thing, and before you know it the buggers were all over the place.

Dragonspit, even though he's heard this story hundreds of times, acts like he's as excited as the first retelling.

Dragonspit: OMG! We're getting to the bestest part!

Also, for some reason, Dragonspit had been possessed by a crazy Slaaneshi Daemon, who refuses to leave. You'd think Corrack would have this problem. This only makes Tlanextic sigh. Again. You'd think he'd like... Yawn a bit too. Putting up with the idiocy all the time. Or maybe he needs some sort of life support. Like Da-*ahem*

Lord Drake: Thank you! Stop interrupting me. Anyway. Tribbles everywhere! So I turn to Tlanextic and go. "Hey. You. there are tribbles. Maybe you should tribble them out of here."  
Dragonspit: WAHAHAHAAHAHA.

Vyce facepaws.

Vyce: Dude. That's not funny.  
Lord Drake: That wasn't supposed to be funny. Is there something wrong with you?  
Tlanextic: He's possessed.  
Lord Drake: I had no idea.  
Tlanextic: He's been like this for HOW long and you haven't noticed?  
Lord Drake: What? Anyway. So. Tlanextic groans at me, and I suggest to turn them into clowns. Tlanextic says he won't, and so Naso walks in, turns them into scary pedo-clowns. And we spend the rest of the day shooting them out the airlock.  
Vyce: Wow. Naso-clowns. Scary.  
Dragonspit: But that's not all!!!!  
Lord Drake: Right. So. They go out the airlock, and then we see them land near the Imperial Templar. And so that Versian guy goes "RRRAAAAHHH! FOR THE EMPORER" and all that, and we watched for hours as the Naso-clowns duked it out with those space marines. And there was this dude named Mormota. But like. A Baneblade fell on him from the sky.  
Dragonspit: AMAZING!  
Lord Drake: I often wonder why I hired you in the first place.  
Tlanextic: Well he was all violent and stuff.  
Lord Drake: Yeah. He totally kille-

The following lines have been censored due to Paint It Black plot spoilers. sorry guys. None for you. ;p Come to think of it. That's kinda pointless. This entire Misadventures is technically a plot spoiler. Why am I even typing it out anyway.

All: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.

Sorry. Back on Azeroth.

Settra the Imperishable: So you see Lich King. My Undead army is better than yours.

The Lich King/Arthas stares at Settra for a moment, his undead army lying here and there, Settra smirks, looking satisfied with himself. The Lich King looks around.. then stares some more.. and shifts his eyes.. and then says...

Lich King: My Undead bring all the boys to the yard.. Damn right, it's better than yours. I can teach you but I'd have to charge... MY LAZOR!  
Settra: Wait what?  
Lich King: BWAAAAAARGH!

For some ridiculous reason, the Lich King opens his mouth, and his eyes go all wide, and a massive blue laser beam shoots from his mouth, and overtakes Settra and his army. Settra, despite being undead, coughs up some smoke, covered in black.

Settra: You... Win...

Settra collapses. The Lich King blinks curiously, seeing a massive hole in a nearby ice mountain. Both arise come back to life under his rule, and he returns to sit on the frozen throne.

Lich King: GOD! MY ASS IS COLD!

Somewhere, somehow, Other the Light bringer sighs and face palms.

Other: And to think that kid turned into the Lich King. What a was.

Meanwhile.

Malygoss: I am Malygoss! The Spell-weaver!  
Grumlok: Woos wife awl da creates around 'ere 'aging fancy tilts?  
Tchar'zanek: I don't know. I don't have a fancy title. I'm just Warlord Tchar'zanek like your Warboss Grumlok.  
Malekith: I don't have a fancy title. At least my name is pronounceable.

Tchar'zanek arches an eyebrow, Grumlok tried to repeat the gesture and fails.

Tchar'zanek: Oh. Like you have room to talk. Malekith, the Witch King of Naggaroth! or Malekith Witch King of the Druchii!  
Grumlok: HAH! You haz two!.  
Malekith: Oh shut up. The both of you.  
Malygoss: Ahem.  
Tchar'zanek: Shut up Dragon. We'll get to you later!  
Malygoss: I'm sorry. I can't do that Dave.  
Grumlok: Oi! Mi name iz not Dave! It'z Grumlok. Git it roight ya stoopid dragon.  
Dave: Hey! Hey! Stick to your own space-time plot thingy.

The four stare at Dave.

Dave: What? Did I grow another head or something?  
Tchar'zanek: How'd you get here?  
Dave: How'd YOU get here?  
Grumlok: Datz a gud qweztun  
Tchar'zanek: Uhm...  
Malekith: Errr...

PLOTHOLE!

Tchar'zanek: What he said!  
Dave: Right. I'll be going now.

Eldrad appears from nowhere, and steals Dave, and then vanishes again.

Grumlok: Who was dat?  
Tchar'zanek: I have no idea.  
Malekith: He looked like an Elf.

Eldrad appears again.

Eldrad: It's Eldar dammit!  
Malekith: ELVES!  
Eldrad: ELDAR!  
Malekith: ELVES!

Eldrad sighs, and shoves Malekith into the webway.

Eldrad: That's it, back where you belong.  
Malekith: But what about the others?

Eldrad looks around, and ignores everyone else.

Eldrad: I don't see anyone.

They both vanish. Malygoss looks stupefied.

Malygoss: What was that all about?  
Tchar'zanek: I didn't like him anyway. So. Dragon.. how about a pact?

They talk...

Meanwhile.

Alexstrasza the Life-Binder, Aspect of the red dragonflight, the guardian of all life in the world of Azeroth sighs and facepaws at the combined group of Karl, Thorgrim, and Finubar.

Alexstrasza: Your from where again?  
Karl: Welll..  
Finubar: The World of Warhammer.  
Karl: Does it even have a name?  
Thorgrim: I don't know. I can't find it on Lexicanum.  
Karl: Lexi-what?  
Thorgrim: Are you daft? The Lexicanum is a fan-made encyclopedia about Warhammer!  
Karl: Like Wikipedia?  
Finubar: So how are you supposed to know about the internet? I mean. We're in a fantasy setting.  
Karl: Uhm.  
Thorgrim: Err..  
Karl: Look! It's Khaine!  
Finubar: Where!?

The Elf turns, and indeed the god is sitting there for some reason, eating a peanut-butter Sandwich.

Khaine: What?  
Finubar: !

Alexstrasza sighs again. This was going to be a long day.

Back on the Dragon's Haste.

Vyce: What the hell was that?  
Lord Drake: What the hell was what?  
Vyce: there was a blast at the ice cap!  
Lord Corrack: I'll blast your ice cap. ;)  
All: CORRRACK!  
Lord Corrack: D:

Later, the group lands on Azeroth. Just in time to find an odd scene...

Alexstrasza: Malygoss!  
Malygoss: Alexstrasza!  
Both Dragons: What are you doing here?  
Alexstrasza: These mortals...

Alexstrasza points to the three Karl and Finubar. For some reason Thorgrim is missing, probably Eldrad mistaking him for a Space Dwarf..

Malygoss: Ah. And I am here because of these.

Malygoss points to the Chosen Champion and the Orc Warboss.

Alexstrasza: They don't belong here. They need to leave.

Karl: Oh no! It's Tchar'zanek!

Karl hides behind the Elf. Who shakes his head and gives their 'rivals' a glare.

Tchar'zanek: Well lookie here Orc. It's The Human Emperor. Without any of his guards, and nobody around to save him...  
Grumlok: Mwahahahaha. Ubbout time da Bigg, bigg boss was in our grasp. 'Ahahaha... erk-snorggg... Time ter die 'Umee.

Vyce, Drake, Corrack, and Tlanextic arrive at this point.

Both Azeroth Dragons (Again..): Black Dragon!

Vyce blinks, then pawfaces.

Vyce: No. I'm not a servant of the Black Dragonflight or of Deathwing. Please do not mistake me as such Aspects.

Tlanextic stares at Tchar'zanek

Tlanextic: Finally! Another servant of Tzeentch. Save me from these imbeciles.  
Tchar'zanek: It seems we serve the same god. But I don't recognize your armor.  
Lord Drake: You weird Tzeentch people.  
Tlanextic: You don't... Waiot.. Who are they?  
Karl: I'm the Emperor.  
Lord Drake: What? No your not. your a scranwy man. I've seen the Emperor. He's HUGE.  
Karl: What? I'm not all that large...  
Corrack: IN BED!

Collective groan.

Tlanextic: Wait. Not where.. WHEN. You all are from ages past, before present recorded time. Amazing!  
Grumlok: Wait. Yer from da futur?  
Tlanextic: Yup.  
Tchar'zanek: So who won?  
Tlanextic: Hmmm... Nobody.  
Lord Drake: Some dude known as the Emperor took over, and it's certainly no that guy. The seas melt away, wars have removed it. Terra isn't much of a vacation home.  
Tchar'zanek: D:  
Grumlok: D:  
Karl: D:!  
Finubar: D:!!!  
Tchar'zanek: D:!!!!!  
Karl: D:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Tchar'zanek: D:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And as this goes on... The scene fades a bit.. To be continued?

Current Tally.

Warcraft: 3  
WHF: 1  
40k: 2

lolwhat?


	24. Episode 24: World Of Warhammercraft II

**Lord Drake Misadventures 24  
**By Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

The story so far:  
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

And then, one Thursday, nearly forty-one thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change. The regular early morning yell of horror was the sound of Tlanextic waking up and suddenly remembering where he was. He wandered out and into the following scene with a sigh.

Vyce: YOU RUINED MY LAIR  
Lord Drake: But the plans were on display...  
Vyce: On display? I eventually had to go down to storage to find them.  
Lord Drake: That's the display department.  
Vyce: With a torch.  
Lord Drake: Ah, well the lights had probably gone.  
Vyce: So had the stairs.  
Lord Drake: But look, you found the notice didn't you?  
Vyce: Yes, yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in an abandoned bathroom with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Canadian'.

There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the author's mind. But since it obviously has nothing to do with our previous plot...

Zoom out. The gaalxy explodes. And then replaces itself with how it should be.

Vyce eyes Lord Drake.

Vyce: Why do I feel like throttling you?  
Lord Drake: Why do I feel like the galaxy exploded?  
Tlanextic: Why am I forever in ths nightmare with these idiots?  
Finubar: I ask myself the same question every day?  
Lord Drake: About the galaxy exploding?  
Finubar: No. About idiots. You idiot.  
Karl: I'm not an idiot.

Somewhere.. In Finubar's Elven mind... He snaps.

Finubar: I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU.  
Karl: You aren't? I thought you were?  
Finubar: It's always about you isn't it!? Karl. Karl. Karl. The Emperor! I'll be in any bloody show I want.  
Karl: I made a cameo with Kooking with Kharn.  
Lord Drake: What? How'd you do that? I've been wanting his autograph, but he constantly eludes me. Especially when he showed up on MY ship.  
Karl: Trade secret.

Lord Drake glares upwards.

Lord Drake: CURSE YOU TRADE SECRETS!

A strange looking Necron Lord appears.

Zahr Dalsk: What am I doing here? _  
Lord Drake: What?  
Zahr: Lord Drake? _  
Lord Drake: Yes?  
Zahr: Wait. That must mean I'm in Misadventures.. WHY!?

Vyce smiles ferally.

Vyce: Why not?  
Zahr: I need my report button. Where'd it go? _  
Vyce: There's no report button here.  
Zahr: Well I certainly made it clear I don't want to be in it.  
Vyce: No you didn't. All you'd say is you'd hit thre report button.  
Tlanextic: And as the Astartes says.. Silence is Consent.  
Zahr: That's stupid.  
Vyce: Yup.  
Lord Drake: Why do you think we're Chaos?  
Zahr: Good point.  
Vyce: Besides. Nobody is in by choice anyway.  
Lord Drake: Let's drop a Baneblade on him!  
Vyce: Nooo.. This is mroe than enough.

Zahr slowly vanishes.

Zahr: o_o

Poof.

Magylos: Who the hell was that?  
Vyce: Nothing of consequence. Anyway. What's the sound?

Vyce turns around, and Finubar appears to be attack Karl.

Karl: You can't kill me! I'm a 52 Quest NPC! YOUR ONLY 43!  
Finubar: What!?

Finubar looks to the sky.

Finubar: Damn you Mythic Entertainment!  
Lord Drake: What's this about levels? Quest NPCs!?  
Malygos: Nevermind.  
Alexstrasza: Hah? Only 52? We beat you both. I'm a level ?? Boss! I'm so badass I don't even have a level. I'm well over level 80!  
Malygos: What? I'm only a level ?? Elite?

Malygos looks up.

Malygos: DAMN YOU BLIZZARD!  
Blizzard: What? Stop being so hard to kill.  
Malygos: They should get better gear!  
Blizzard: Quit bitching or I'll nerf you again.

Malygos grumbles.

Blizzard: I heard that!  
Malygos: Apologies Master!

It finally all goes quiet. Except for a guitar riff, followed by an explosion.

Lord Drake: What the hell?

Lord Drake turns aroudn to find Vyce in his Anthro form, standing on both legs and brandishing a strange looking guitar.

Vyce: So you see.. This weapon works as music.  
Grumlok: Amazin'! Ow in da 'ell does da nois du it though?  
Vyce: Well, you see.... I have no idea. Something about sound waves and the right frequency and the sound... Something something.

Tlanextic and Tchar'zanek are conversing.

Tlanextic: So anyway. I was bound to this idiot by Tzeentch because I failed in his duties. I converted him over to Chaos on this one planet, and instead of burning the city to the ground like I wanted, they simply killed the Pyre and moved on to get some revenge on the Inquisition.  
Tchar'zanek: Intriguing. So you bear the mark of Tzeentch's wrath. The Raven God is not please with you, apparently.  
Tlanextic: So what's you story?  
Tchar'zanek: The fools. The Cowards. They didn't see me coming. The others, they thought me to be nothing of importance. I was chosen by Tzeentch to rule this feeble wrold, and I have many of his gifts.  
Tlanextic: So how did you end up here?  
Tchar'zanek: Uhm.. Good question.  
Tlanextic: You don't even know?  
Tchar'zanek: The last thing i remember was something the Dark Elda-Err. Dark Elf did, he suggested an invasion and I lent my limitless powers to come here. Although now that I think about it, I kinda want to go back and finish conquering the.. World of Warhammer.

The clouds part again.

Blizzard: NO! We compyrighted the name.  
Tchar'zanek: You don't boss me around!  
Blizzard: No. But it's too close to what we have.  
Tchar'zanek: Well come down here and say that to my face!  
Blizzard: Uhm. No thanks. We're good up here.  
Tchar'zanek: That's what I thought.

Silence falls once more, well, if you can call the guitar explosions silent.

Vyce: So right. that's that.  
Grumlok: Wow.  
Tlanextic: Shouldn't we have a point to all of this?  
Vyce: There was. But I kinda forgot it.  
Lord Drake: Well since this is getting stale....

* * *

Hierophants and board games

Lord Drake: Whazzat?  
Tlanextic: That appears to be a... Hierophant  
Lord Drake: A Heiro..what? It that like. An egyptian elephant?  
Tlanextic: How do you even know about all that?  
Lord Drake: Trade secret.  
Tlanextic: That's my line.  
Lord Drake: Look. Is it like an elephant or not?  
Tlanextic: Does it look like an elephant to you?  
Lord Drake: Ye-  
Tlanextic: If you say yes I'm going to bludgeon you with my staff.

Lord Drake looks cross for a moment.

Lord Drake: Well.

Tlanextic glares.

Lord Drake: No?  
Tlanextic: Okay. Right.  
Lord Drake: So what do we do to kill it?  
Tlanextic: My psychic attacks simply annoy it, and I see the Daemon dragon out there is trying to fight it... I think.

A lot closer to the Hierophant, Vyce is on top of the thing, hrmming.

Vyce: Do you have any fives?  
Hierophant: Go Fish.

Vyce eyes the cards in his paws, and curses, noting the card pile is already gone.

Hierophant: Do you have any fives?  
Vyce: What!? But you.. What.. who... YOU CHEATED!  
Hierophant: Are you going to argue with me?  
Vyce: We-  
Hierophant: Remember I can kick your draconic arse easily.

Vyce stays silent, but gives the giant Tyranid a glare.

Hierophant: And I have more matches than you. Which means I win.  
Vyce: What? No I don-  
Hierophant: You going to argue with me?

The Hierophant menancingly raises a weapon, Vyce sighs and looks defeated.

Vyce: No...  
Hierophant: So now what? Uno?  
Vyce: No.  
Hierophant: Twister?  
Vyce: I'm not as big as you.  
Hierophant: Limbo?  
Vyce: I'm smaller than you.  
Hierphant: Then what?  
Vyce: You know. I have an idea.  
Hierophant: Which is?  
Vyce: I want to play battleship.

The Hierophant considers this.

Vyce: Right. So. I got the board right here. Here's mine. And here's yours.  
Hierophant: That's weird. Why is mine glowing red?  
Vyce: It's the red board, the red board glows.

Vyce starts moving away.

Hierophant: Where are you going?  
Vyce: Away? We're bother large creatures, I don't want you to see my board.

The two set up theirs boards. Vyce grins wickedly.

Hierophant: Okay.. So.. B-6?  
Vyce: Miss. C-10  
Hierophant: Miss. F-5?  
Vyce: Miss. C....2?  
Hierophant: Hit!  
Vyce: Hit?  
Hierophant: Hit!

A bright light surrounds the Hierophant, and beams of lance fire pummel down in an orbital bombardment. While all this was waking place, the Dragon's Haste was ordered into position and to fire at the right moment. The Hierophant roars, but to no avail, he's vaporised.

Vyce eyes the crater, and pauses for effect.

Vyce: I sunk your battleship.


	25. Episode 25: Hello Kitty Necrons

**Lord Drake Misadventures 25  
**By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

* * *

[Summary]:

On [i]The Dragon's haste....[/i]

Lord Drake: Corrack!  
Lord Corrack: What?  
Lord Drake: Stop leaving those weird dildo things in all the chairs.  
Lord Corrack: Your wearing armor. Why should you care?  
Lord Drake: Rhuemwight has be complaining about his arse again..  
Lord Corrack: Again? And you come to bother ME about it?  
Lord Drake: You know why.  
Lord Corrack: I do?

[Summary]: Lord Drake and Lord Corrack argue about something. Insanity had ensued.

Elsewhere...

Tlanextic: What ever happened to the Arafalas guy?  
Lord Corrack: Last I saw him... Naso was having his way with him. I haven't seen him since.  
Tlanextic: Oh right. That whole Council of 'evil' thing trying to stop us.  
Lord Corrack: Yeah. You all left at the same time the fun started.

[Summary]: Tlanextic and Lord Corrack talk about Arafalas. Roflcopter.

Lord Drake: RHUEMWIGHT!  
Rhuemwight: Y-y-y-yes my Lord?  
Lord Drake: SPLEEN!  
Rhuemwight: AUUUUGH MY SPLEEEN!

Rhuemwight explodes.

[Summary]: '"qŽÒ‚¨‚æ‚ÑƒhƒŒ[ƒNŽå‚Ì‹c˜_‚Ì'"qŽÒ‚Í"š"­‚·‚é

Arafalas falls from the sky, and lands with a thump.

Tlanextic: Speaking of the Devil.  
Lord Drake: If he's the devil then I'm Mary Sue  
Arafalas: Well well. I didn't know you were blue and named Marnues Calgar.  
Lord Corrack: Someone's overconfident.  
Lord Drake; Maybe he's compensating for something.  
Arafalas: Or maybe your face is compensating for something.  
Lord Drake: Oooohhh.. Big come back. I'm soooo Burnt.  
Arafalas: I'll burn you any day baby.  
Lord Corrack: Well this is new.

Lord Drake arches an eyebrow.

Lord Drake: Wait.. What?  
Arafalas: You heard me.  
Lord Drake: No I didn't. I'm deaf. See?  
Tlanextic: You can't see someone as deaf my Lord.  
Lord Drake: Yes you can! SEE! SEE!?  
Tlanextic: But by acknowledging me, you heard me.  
Lord Drake: Maybe I can read lips?  
Tlanextic: I'm wearing a helmet.  
Lord Drake: I'm psychic!?  
Tlanextic: You wish.  
Arafalas: Ahem. Guys.  
Lord Drake: Oh. Sorry. I don't talk to insignificant Eldar.

Arafalas fumes.

[Summary]: Vrei sa pleci dar numa, numa iei, Numa, numa iei, numa, numa, numa iei.

Lord Drake: Awww. Is the poor little eldar-weldar insulted. Awww. The poor thing!  
Arafalas: No! I will NOT falter! Drakey Wakey.

Lord Drake gasps.

Lord Drake: How'd you know my horrible nickname? D:  
Arafalas: It is? *ahem* I mean. It is! Drake Wakey. Made a... Cakey... And went bakey.. pa.. Oh forget it.  
Lord Drake: HAH! FAIL!  
Arafalas: But it's not fail when I get awesomesauce all over you.  
All: EWWWWW...  
Rhuemwight: Huh?  
Tlanextic: Nevermind, it's not important enough for you to know.  
Lord Corrack: Well he's spent more than enough time with Naso.  
Arafalas: I'd spend more time with you, if you know what I mean.  
Lord Drake: What the? Naso tainted him. He's part Slaaneshi!  
Arafalas: You got it babe.

[Summary]: Phenomena... Doo doo doo doo doo.

Arafalas: I have more important business to attend to. Ta-ta for now!

Arafalas vanishes.

Lord Drake: Muwhahahha...  
Lord Corrack: I did all the work.  
Lord Drake: No you didn't. I did.  
Tlanextic: Uhm.. My Lord..  
Lord Drake: Not right now! I'm busy revelling in my victory against the Eldar.. thing..  
Tlanextic: But my Lord. Necrons are here!  
Lord Drake: Khorne's Cookbook! Necrons!

The three steel themselves as a Monolith slowly phases into view. And when it appears.. It's.. Pink.. With Hello Kitty art and stickers all over it.

Lord Drake: No!  
Lord Corrack: It cannot be!

Tlanextic palmfaces.

Tlanextic: Ugh. This just all gets worse.. and worse.

Six similarly pink necrons phase into view.

Necron Lord: Hiiiii! I'm Hello Kitty.

The three Chaos leaders jawdrop, the Necron Lord sounds like a little girl.

Lord Drake: Wait.. did he.. What?  
'Hello Kitty': I just want to be friends!  
Necron Pariah: Why Hello Kitty!  
'Hello Kitty': Why! It's Dear Daniel!

Tlanextic groans.

Tlanextic: Can't we just like. Kill them now?  
Lord Drake: And miss out on tormenting you? I think not.  
Lord Corrack: I think I might join them.. And be a Hello Kitty Chaos Marine!  
Lord Drake: Have you lost your mind?  
Tlanextic: Has he ever had it?  
Lord Drake: These guys are more pathetic than the Igloo Necrons.  
Necron Pariah ('Dear Daniel'): How are you doing today?  
'Hello Kitty': Doing quite well...  
'Dear Daniel': That is good to hear. Who are our friends here?  
'Hello Kitty': I do not know. I don't recognize them,  
'Dear Daniel': We should give them a hug.  
Lord Corrack: I like hugs.

At this moment Rhuemwight pops back into existence.

Rhuemwight: Oh! My Lord! I am whole again!  
'Hello Kitty': Hello friend. Have a 'hug'!

The clearly malfunctioning Necron Lord fires a pink guass shot, which 'hugs' Rhuemwight.

Rhuemwight: Oh not again! AAUUUGH MY PELVIS!

Rhuemwight explodes.

[Summary]: I'm blue da ba dee da ba die... da ba dee da ba die... da ba dee da ba die...

'Hello Kitty' looks confused.

'Hello Kitty': Oh no. Our friend exploded.  
'Dear Daniel': We should have our play house give some hugs too!  
Lord Corrack: Ooo! Ooo! Are we going to play with dolls?  
Lord Drake: You play with dolls too?  
Tlanextic: What the devil are you morons talking about?  
Lord Corrack: Well. You see.. We have these blow-

Lord Drake suddenly bashes Lord Corrack aside, knocking him out cold.

Lord Drake: Don't listen to anything he says! He's a liar!

And then the Pink Monolith flares to life, after sitting there doing nothing for all this time. Lord Corrack wakes up and sits up.

Lord Corrack: Oh. My. God. It's going to kill us!  
'Hello Kitty': It focuses on movement. You move. Your dea-I mean.. Warm and toasty inside 3

At this point, poor Rhuemwight shows up again.

Rhuemwight: My.. My.. Lord that hurt!

Rhuemwight moves an arm, and the Monolith hums as it prepares to fire.

Rhuemwight: Oh.. Not again...

BOOM!

Rhuemwight: AHHH MY SPLE-Wait a minute. I'm in a dress.

You thought he was goign to explode again didn't you? Tsk. Instead, Rhuemwight is decked out in makeup and in a dress, and for some reason he's female.

Rhuemwight: This isn't right...  
'Hello Kitty': He's not changed! Shoo-Hug him again!

BOOM!

Rhuemwight: We represent.. the lolipop guild.. The lolipop guild.. The lolipop guild...  
'Dear Daniel': MUCH better.  
Lord Drake: To be honest. I'd rather him explode.  
Tlaenxtic: I'd recommend running. But it'd get us.

Lord Corrack shrugs, and starts running.

BOOM!

Lord Corrack: HAH! That doesn't effect me. I'm kid-friendly enough!  
Lord Drake: You? Kid friendly?  
Lord Drake: I dunno. i guess I'm too corrupted to be affected!

[Summary]: Alright everybody now here we go. It's a brand new version of the dosido! Just stomp your feet and clap your hands. Come on everybody its the hamster dance! YEEEEE HAAAAA

Vyce: I'll show you corrup-

BOOM!

The Chaos Dragon had arrived, but he hadn't been fast enough to avoid it. The dragon now was wearing a dragon-sized tutu.

Vyce: What the?

BOOM!

Vyce: I'm a little teapot short and stout.. here is my handle and here is my spout...

The dragon dances around like a fairy. Which causes another chaos dragon, this one white and blue, to crack up laughing.

Kevaskous: Oh that suits you too well  
Vyce: When I'm getting out of this Keva I'm beating you.  
Keva: Murr?

Tlanextic stares

Tlanextic: There's more of them!?  
Vyce: Well of course. Dragons are all over the place. Duuuh.  
Keva: Keep dancing sugarplum fairy.  
Vyce: I will end you.  
Keva: You know you love me.

Vyce snorts at that and sticks his tongue out.

Can our 'heroes' survive the Hello Kitty Necrons? Is the author being lazy again and can't think of a good ending? Probably. Tune in next time. Same Misadventures channel, same Misadventures time...

Zack: Oh shut up. Honestly.

A third Chaos Dragon, this one Dark Red, shows up, and rips the Pink 'Hello Kitty' Monolith crystal.

Zack: Now if I just corrupt this...

Zack focuses on the crystal, the crystal glows, and then turns a bright red. the Hello Kitty necrons, turn and stare as the Chaos Dragon returns the crystal. The Monolith shudders, and suddenly changes color, and is now in bright red and green Christmas-y colors.

Necron Lord: Noooo-!  
Necron Pariah: Nooo!  
Necron Lord: Ho.. Ho.. Ho.. Merry Christmas.  
Necron Pariah: Have you all been good lately?  
Lord Drake: Yes!

Vyce returns to normal, the tutu missing.

Vyce: About damn time.  
Necron Lord: Well. I'm a busy.. Errhm... Man.. And we have much to do all night.  
Lord Corrack: But it's not Chri-  
Tlanextic: Shut up!

The Necrons vanish, and voices are heard.

Necrons: Merry Christmas to all.. And to all a good night!  
Tlanextic: Well this is the most yammed up thing I've ever he-

[Summary]: We are mad , Vyce is cute , you are damned.

END.

-----------

Author's note: This is making fun of an RP thread in the DoW2 forums that required a summary at the end. I took the idea and ran with it.


	26. Episode 26: Dragons and Silicates

Lord Drake Misadventures 26  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

* * *

Tlanextic: So where the hell do you three come from anyway?  
Keva: From?  
Zack: Well, we're Chaos Daemon Dragons, for one. For two, if you put some logic behind it, you can probably figure that out.  
Tlanextic: Well. I can figure you three come from the warp, but were you always from it?  
Vyce: We came from a galaxy far, far away.  
Keva: And it was a long time ago.  
Tlanextic: Really?  
Keva: Ya rly.  
Zack: Srsly?  
Vyce: No wai!

Tlanextic groans and facepalms.

Tlanextic: Can't you guys take me seriously?  
Keva: No?  
Zack: Well. You see. It's not all that complicated. We come from the warp, we're daemons. Blah blah blah.  
Vyce: Ever heard of those dragons from old terran lore?  
Tlanextic: No?  
Keva: Hopeless.

Lord Drake walks onto the scene, and jawdrops for a moment.

Lord Drake: You lot still here?  
Vyce: Would you expect us anywhere else?  
Lord Drake: Well..  
Vyce: Your face is well.  
Keva: Your mom is well.  
Vyce: Your mom's face is well!  
Keva: Shut up you.  
Vyce: Gonna make me?  
Keva: Well now that you mention it...

Vyce eyewidens as Keva advances, the white dragon snapping his jaws once.

Vyce: Wait! Wait! I didn't mean it! I'll behave!  
Keva: You'll behave what?  
Vyce: I'll behave... Sir?  
Keva: Good boy.

Tlanextic and Lord Drake stares.

Tlanextic: Sir?  
Vyce: He sorta owns me.

Tlanextic bursts into laughter, something incredibly rare for the Sorcerer.

Vyce: Shut up you. Your the one bound to Lord Drake by Tzeentch.  
Tlanextic: Curse you!  
Vyce: Curse you?  
Keva: Shush!  
Vyce: Gonna ma-*ahems* Yes Sir.  
Lord Drake: Anyway. You three staying long?  
Vyce: Well, considering you all amuse me. I'm still here for good.  
Keva: I was just visiting to keep an eye on what's mine, when he noted that you lot were having problems with Necrons. Frilly Necrons at that. Must be a lame excuse for a Chaos Legion.  
Tlanextic: And for the other Black One?  
Zack: Just happened to show up. I know Vyce, but not the other. Although I come from a different plane/galaxy entirely.  
Lord Drake: Plane? Like one of those ancient Terran things?  
Zack: No. A Plane like a different dimension.  
Lord Drake: So is it a Plain plane?

The dragons and Tlanextic groan at the pun.

Keva: No. Bad form. You lose 10 cool points.  
Lord Drake: What? I have cool points?  
Zack: Everyone has cool points.  
Vyce: Yeah. You should know this.  
Lord Drake: I should?  
Tlanextix: What? Coo-

Vyce gives Tlanextic a quick wink, and the sorcerer understands.

Tlanextic: Of course my Lord. Everyone has cool points. It's a judgment from the chaos gods themselves.  
Lord Drake: My goodness. I must accumulate more cool points!  
Keva: Nope. Just three more.  
Lord Drake: What? Are you the keeper or something?

The white/teal Chaos dragon smiles mischievously.

Keva: Of course. Your not supposed to try to get more cool points, you get rewarded them for not knowing about them.  
Tlanextic: Which is why I never mention them.  
Zack: Me neither.  
Lord Drake: But what do you get for them?  
Keva: Unlimited power?  
Vyce: Daemonhood?  
Zack: Girl scout cookies?

They all stare at Zack.

Zack: What? I like girl scout cookies.  
Lord Drake: Right. Anyway. I want more cool points.  
Keva: Tsk. Didn't I say you don't ask for them? Minus three cool points.  
Lord Drake: Bu-  
Keva: Should I decrease them by ten?  
Lord Drake: No!  
Keva: I'm sorry. No what?  
Lord Drake: No I don't wan my cool points taken away?  
Keva: No. Say 'No Sir' or you lose twenty.  
Lord Drake: But!  
Keva: Thirty?  
Lord Drake: No Sir...

Vyce snickers, Keva eyes him.

Keva: What are you so amused about?  
Vyce: That you got a 'No Sir' out of Lord Drake.  
Keva: Please. Tricking him into it was easy..  
Lord Drake: You mean there aren't cool points?  
Keva: Nope.  
Lord Drake: My hopes! My dreams!  
Vyce: All gone.  
Keva: Besides dragon. I can get a 'Yes Sir' out of you easy.  
Vyce: Oh yeah?  
Keva: Do I need a demonstration?  
Vyce: o.o No Sir.

Lord Drake and Tlanextic snicker. Vyce gives them a glare.

Vyce: Oh just you wait until he's gone. Then your in for it.

There are strange glows, lights, and noises over the horizon, the three dragons look over, and so does Lord Drake and Tlanextic.

Tlanextic: My lord.. it looks like we have company.  
Zack: I always hate uninvited guests.  
Lord Drake: Speak for yourself.  
Zack: I do, actually. And quite often.

Lord Drake, for the first time in all 25 episodes (Including this one...) facepalms.

Lord Drake: Not what I meant dragon.  
Keva: It's a giant...  
Tlanextic: Octagon!?  
Vyce: Wait.. what?

As they all watch, a giant octagon looms over the horizon. In all it's 2d goodness, being completely flat like a plane, shining with diamonds and other such things. Shooting beams of light as it it was some weird thing from the 70s or whenever the disco era was. Play that funky music white boy.

Giant Octagon: Behold! And tremble in fear! For I am... THE GIANT OCTAGON!

Keva blinks and the chaos dragon walks around the giant thing.

Keva: Your 2d...  
Octagon: Yes! Nothing can hit me unless something shoots me from directly on the sides.  
Vyce: So.. What made you?  
Octagon: Why. The creators. or.. Well.. NeenaJa.  
Tlanextic: So why can't you like.. be an Octahedron?  
Octagon: An Octa..what?  
Tlanextic: You know, And octahedron. One of those 3d things with eight faces.  
Octagon: That sounds silly.  
Vyce: No. It makes sense. You'd kinda look like a diamond, but you still have eight sides.  
Octagon: No.. No.. No..  
Keva: Vyce, you moron, use your head. He should have been a octagonal prism. He's still an octagon, but he's 3d.  
Octagon: But I'm just a giant octagon.  
Zack: he could be an octagonal antiprism.  
Tlanextic: An antiprism?  
Lord Drake: Is that like. The fierce rival of the prism? Taking many forms and many shapes? Destined to fight until a climatic battle occurs for the fate of the universe!? Where there can only be one?  
Keva: Stop reading between the lines.  
Lord Corrack: What about a truncated cuboctahedron?  
Tlanextic: A what?  
Keva: Your insane.  
Lord Corrack: And your a Herm.

Keva arches an eyeridge

Keva: And you know this how?  
Lord Corrack: I'm Slaaneshi. I know everything sexual. So baby. Looking to have some fun?

Vyce growls, and punts Corrack into space.

Vyce: Paws off. Shi's mine.

Zack, Lord Drake, and Tlanextic however are rather absorbed in the whole 'Giant Octagon thing'.

Lord Drake: Or a great dirhombicosidodecahedron.  
Zack: Is that even a word?  
Tlanextic: I think he's making up words again.  
Lord Drake: I saw it on Wikipedia.  
Tlaenxtic: Sounds like a Daemon Name.  
Lord Drake: Usually incomprehensible right?  
Zack: Not always.. my Daemon name is Wreaker hookbeak... Actually.  
Tlanextic: Your not from this dimension.. Are you?  
Zack: Ah. The Sorcerer is smarter than he thinks.  
Lord Drake: So you made up the name?  
Zack: That's my little secret.

The Octagon fumes, if an Octagon can visibly fume.

Octagon: ENOUGH! I will destroy you all!

The Giant Octagon fires it's light rays, which only seems to tint the color of the Chaos Armors and Zack's scales. In the background Vyce can be seen kicking around Corrack for the sake of revenge, as the Slaaneshi Lord continues to be perverted as usual. Keva watches with amusement, not seeming phased or bothered at all by Corrack, but finds his draconic abuse amusing.

Lord Drake: Wow. I have this sudden urge to do something disco-ey.  
Zack: Can I just blow it up already?  
Tlanextic: What were you waiting on in the first place?  
Zack: An invitation?

Lord Drake, for some bizarre reason, is dancing..

Lord Drake: Play that funky music white boy...

Tlanextic and Zack collectively Facepalm/Facepaw/Faceappendage that works like a hand and is therefore appropriate in this description. The Octagon, not having such things, mentally faceedges. Or whatever would work. Zack shakes his head, and shoves the Octagon over.

Octagon: Noooo! My weakness! My 2d-ness and flat sides cannot escape me from the peril of being knocked over. Ouch. Ooof. My face!  
Zack: *while stomping on the octagon* You don't have a face.  
Octagon: I'm a shape! My sides are faces. Well. Excuse the pun.  
Zack: *groans* It's not a normal face.  
Octagon: Blargh! I am dead!  
Lord Drake: That's pathetic.

In the backgorund, Corrack shouts while being booted around.

Lord Corrack: Your face is pathetic!  
Lord Drake: Your MOM is pathetic!  
Lord Corrack: Your mom's face is-OUCH. Watch those claws!-pathetic.  
Lord Drake: Ohh.. That hurts SO much. I might die.

I think that's enough insanity for one episode. xD


	27. Episode 27: More Silicates, and Beta Fun

**Lord Drake Misadventures 27**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

* * *

  
Fungus Queen: Behold! I am the Fungus queen. And these are the Silicates! We will destroy you.  
Lord Drake: Is that the Giant Octagon again?  
Queen: They will destroy you!  
Lord Corrack: Oh goodie. I always liked laser light shows.  
Tlanextic: What the hell are you anyway?  
Queen: I am the Fungus Queen!  
Tlanextic: I don't see any fungus on you.  
Lord Drake: In fact. Your just a diamond.  
Queen: But. but.. I have a sticky attack.  
Lord Corrack: Mmm.. I like sticky things..  
Queen: You pig.

The Fungus Queen attempts to whack Lord Corrack, but then remembers she doesn't have any arms.. or appendages.. or.. whatever.

Queen: Bah! I need.. THE EYE.

A floating ball appears.

Queen: Ugh.. Not this again.

The ball hovers there, seeming oblivious. The ball in question being a sphere of sorts, completely transparent, but seems too small to do anything useful. The Queen, if she had eyes, would glare at the thing and then...

Queen: I can't believe I'm doing this.. *sigh* Magic wand, make my monster grow!

The queen somehow produces a big staff/wand thing, and whacks 'The Eye' with it, which grows to a MUCH larger size.

The Eye: Behold! I have changed to the.. GIANT GLOBE.  
Lord Drake: Giant Globe?  
Giant Globe: Yes!  
Tlanextic: Giant Octagon and then a Giant Globe. You people aren't very good at names aren't you?  
Globe: At least it's descriptive.  
Lord Drake: What's next? A giant wheel?  
Queen: Well now that you mention it... Diamond Wheel warriors! Come to me!

A group of Diamond Wheels roll into view. There's not much to describe them, are they are wheel shape and diamond. Just like their names. Wow.

Queen: These are our heavy infantry. Not only do they shoot beams but they can grow large. Grow int-  
Lord Drake: Into a GIANT DIAMOND WHEEL.

The Fungus Queen looks shocked.

Queen: How'd you know our name for it?  
Lord Drake: Just a guess.  
Tlanextic: it's not that hard.  
Lord Corrack: But I am tha-  
Tlanextic: Stop talking.  
Lord Drake: I mean. Really. a Giant Octagon, A giant globe, and a Giant Diamond wheel. Do you see the pattern here?  
Queen: No?  
Lord Drake: Your remaining forces probably consists of Giant Diamonds, Giant Pyramid generators, Giant Ovals, Giant Dual polyhedrons, and even Giant Icosidodecahedron.  
Tlanextic: Your making up words again.  
Lord Drake: It's in Wikipedia...  
Queen: You know some of our forces. But not them all!  
Lord Drake: Rhombohedrons!  
Tlanextic: Now this has gone on far enough. They can't be real words. It's like somehow put together a string of different names and then called it a shape.  
Lord Drake: it's not random...  
Tlanextic: Yes it is! I bet a rhombicosidodecahedron doesn't exist.  
Lord Drake: Well now that you mention it..  
Tlanextic: What? That's insane! here. This one is probably too random. dirhombicosidodecahedron.  
Lord Drake: Actually...  
Tlanextic: AUUUUGH!

Tlanextic throws his arms up in the air and runs off.

Queen: The dirhombicosidodecahedron is our greatest warrior! You know everything! Our weaknesses! We must retreat.  
Lord Drake: Well.. Actually..  
Queen: SQUAD BROKEN!

The Fungus Queen also runs away, a strange red symbol appearing under her as her and her troops vanish from site.

Lord Drake: dirhombicosidodecahomdirbicosidodecahombicododecahedron... No. That's impossible.

A huge shadow looms over Lord Drake, the Chaos Lord turns.

Giant dirhombicosidodecahomdirbicosidodecahombicododecahedron: You called?  
Lord Drake: Wait.. what... No.. But.. insane.. AAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH!!

Lord Drake flees, arms flailing, the dirhombicosidodecahomdirbicosidodecahombicododecahedron stares after him, tilts to one side, and then follows the Silicates out, leaving the scene empty.

------------------------------

This was in the Dawn of War 2 Beta days, this may or may be be based on a true story in the Dawn of War 2 forums.

Tlanextic, Vyce, Keva, and Lord Drake are in Vyce's lair, or more specifically one of the side rooms that houses several computers.

Vyce: So. The Dawn of War 2 forums.  
Tlanextic: Most users ever online was 666 on Tue Jan 20, 2009 5:09 pm?  
Lord Drake: Wow. Does that mean we already own the forums or something?  
Keva: 666.. Maybe they're cursed.  
Tlanextic: Why are we on this again?  
Lord Drake: We are here to discover how to get into the Beta for the Minihammer 40,000, Dawn of War 2!  
Vyce; Remember our Ork 'friend' McCarrick and his Tau? He suggested this game.  
Tlanextic: Remind me again why we play games that are based on our own universe?  
Lord Drake: Well think about it. it's something to do between travel. Warp travel isn't very speedy all the time you know.  
Vyce: Besides. We can finally play as the Tyranids. What could possibly go wrong?

Lord Drake shrugs, Tlanextic grumbles, and the Chaos Lord clicks throug a few pages.

Lord Drake: Well well... Where to start.

Lord Drake goes right past the beta section.

Lord Drake: Okay.. I see nothing on the beta, perhaps I should make a thread on it.  
Vyce: No you idiot. There's a beta information thread right there!  
Lord Drake: Uhm... Where?  
Tlanextic: Top of the page...  
Lord Drake: Oh! I knew that.

Lord Drake clicks, notes he was supposed to be in the beta section, and Vyce pawfaces and does it himself.

Vyce: Okay.. so..  
Lord Drake: What's Steam?  
Vyce: Google it.  
Lord Drake: I'm too lazy. RHUEMWIGHT!

Rhuemwight seemingly melts from the shadows

Rhuemwight: Y-y-yes my Lord?  
Lord Drake: I command you to use that other computer over there and Google it for me.  
Rhuemwight: Steam is.. Well.. Read my lord.  
Lord Drake: Read for me!  
Rhuemwight: Matter can take several forms: solid, liquid, gas, plasma, degenerate matter, virtual matter, imaginary matter and does not matter. Steam is the spe-  
Lord Drake: Bo you idiot. Not that type of Steam. Steam is a program.  
Rhuemwight: Like most internet chat, Steam Friends Little Happy-Time Chatty Chatty (to give it its full titl-  
Lord Drake: No that's not it either.  
Rhuemwight: Naturaly Steam does not actually exist, the giveaway is in the name (moist hot air), it is the latest in a range of Vaporware rele-  
Lord Drake: AUUUGH.

Lord Drake shoves Rheumwight aside, and whacks him a few times with his chainaxe.

Rhuemwight: Ow. Wait. My Lord. You'll rupture my sp- AUGH MY SPEEN!

Boom! That's Cultist all over.

Vyce: That idiot. He was reading for Uncyclopedia.

Rheumwight appears form the shadows again.

Rhuemwight: That was relatively painful.  
Lord Drake: I hoped so. Now.. unless you have anything else stupid to say. Search again.

Rhuemwight sighs and sits in the chair again.

Rhuemwight: Let's see.. Steam.. Steam is a base for 13 year old boys to practice their Pwning skills..  
Lord Drake: Ugh. Forget it. It doesn't matter. Enclyopedia Dramatica is NOT a good source either.  
Vyce: At least it wasn't 4chan.

A few Dawn of War 2 Beta games later.

Lord Drake: What the hell?  
Vyce: Haha. Beat your arse again.  
Lord Drake: Only because I'm being forced to play Eldar! Where is Chaos!? They were in the last game.  
Vyce: I've been following the game for awhile, it was announced MONTHS ago that Chaos wasn't going to be in the game.  
Lord Drake: Now that's just silly. I'll just have to play Black Dragon Space Marines then..

Lord Drake shudders.

Lord Drake: I'm sure chaos is around this game somewhere!

Lord Drake uses attack ground on a rock in-game.

Lord Drake: They must be hiding under a rock!

The rock in-game is destroyed.

Lord Drake: Nothing under the rock! Maybe under this Avatar.. Oh hell.  
Vyce: Looks like your getting owned.  
Lord Drake: No! If I play long enough they'll show up!

Several games later, after Lord Drake had attempted (with the forced help of Dragonspit and Rhuemwight) to locate Chaos. They played several maps, ripped apart an Avatar or two, lifted a few HQ buildings, and even tried to open up a Carnifex. Still no Chaos.

Lord Drake: This game is stupid. No Chaos. No base building! I want my pretty base with all it's prettiness and toasters..  
Vyce: You don't seem to miss it when your playing.  
Lord Drake: It's stupid. stupid.. and.. did I say stupid?


	28. Episode 28: Cultist Meeting

Lord Drake Misadventures 28  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

* * *

On the Daemon World of the Black Draconis Space Marine legion..

Lord Drake's voice echoes across the planet.

Lord Drake: Okay ladies, gentleman, and what have you-but mainly cultists-It's time for another one of those Cultist meetings.

All across the sphere, Cultists everywhere shudder. Their dread lord had called for them, for another of the 'infamous' meetings. The very one that led Cultist Bob to his insanity, others to their doom, and still some others ended up as Chaos Spawn or bits of the decoration. Cultists in their droves flocked to the main citadel of the Legion, some hopeful for a chance to go up in the ranks, some would be happy to just get out alive, and still some others were being dragged forcefully to the main building.

Lord Drake: Ah. It's that time of the year again..  
Vyce: What time of the year?

Tlanextic groans.

Tlanextic: The day, out of so many others in the year, that I dread, yet at the same time I am excited for.  
Vyce: What is it?  
Lord Drake: You haven't been here all that long dragon, so you don't know too much about our Daemon World. Suffice to say... Today is a glorious day.  
Vyce: Yeah. But what is it?  
Lord Drake: Chaos Space Marine Recruitment day.

Lord Drake pauses, as if it was something dramatic. Vyce merely arches an eyebrow.

Vyce: So it's not really a meeting?  
Lord Drake: Well... Kinda sorta. This is where we find out which cultists are best dead, stuck as cultists, or have a chance to rise in position.  
Vyce: This isn't another filler episode is it?  
Lord Drake: No...?  
Vyce: Hmm... But Rhuemwight is still a Cultist.  
Lord Drake: This is true.. But then he's more amusing to me in his current rankings that it doesn't matter.

Lord Drake, Tlanextic, and Vyce are at the central citadel, or off to the side of it in a large arena sort of thing. The three overlooking the various cultists as they walk in.

Cultist Dob: Wow. I've never been here before!  
Cultist Dunkok: Hey. I think I see Lord Drake!  
Cultist Grelch: Whoa. Is that a dragon?  
Dob: A dragon? What's that?  
Dunkok: I thought I told you about these things Dob.  
Dob: Huh? Who are you? Where am I? What's going on?  
Grelch: I don't think there is much hope for that one. Memory of a gold fish.  
Dunkok: Think he'll go first?  
Grelch: Likely. Surprised he survived this far.  
Dob: So what's that thing?  
Grelch: What thing?

Cultist Dob point upwards, above there was something that simply could be called a claw. The thing slowly powers to life, making a humming noise.

Dunkok: I think we're about to find out.

Lord Drake clears his throat, eying the dragon and the Sorcerer with a grin.

Lord Drake: So. Time to watch the fun.  
Vyce: The fun?  
Tlanextic: You'll see...

Lord Drake walks up to a podium with a mic and some sort of control mechanism.

Lord Drake: Men! Women! Vermin! Well. I suppose you all are vermin. Welcome to another one of our Cultist 'meetings'.

Lord Drake imitates quotation marks with his fingers.

Lord Drake: Anyway. I recognize some of the survivors from the last one, and some new faces.. For those -not- in the know. I am Lord Drake. To my right is the Sorceror Tlanextic, and behind me is the Chaos Dragon Vyce.

There is some murmuring at the mention of the dragon, Vyce snorts, slightly amused.

Lord Drake: So anyway... We are gathered here today.. to witness the marriage betw-  
Tlanextic: My Lord! That's the wrong cue card!  
Lord Drake: Ah hell. RHUEMWIGHT!

Rhuemwight, holding the cue cards in the back of the room, smiles innocently.

Lord Drake: You've failed me again! It's time to demonstrate the awesome power of this fully operational battlestation!  
Tlanextic: Wrong card again Sir.  
Lord Drake: Curse these things! I must abolish them!

Lord Drake works the controls, and hits a button, the Giant klaw on the ceiling drops from the roof, landing on a few cultists.

Lord Drake: Ooops. Wrong button. How about this one..

The gripped klaw extends, smashing aside a few more.

Lord Drake: Oh my.

He pushes another button, and the klaw spins, flaying a few more.

Lord Drake: Uhm.. Hm. you know what. Nevermind.

Vyce pawfaces the same time Tlanextic facepalms, and the two shake their heads as Lord Drake makes the klaw move upwards.

Lord Drake: Anyway. I seem to have killed some of you, but no matter. It must have been the will of the gods! Besides. I'm your iron-fisted ruler! What I say goes or your bolted to death.

There is murmuring among the crowd, and the klaw on the ceiling flexes and the room goes quiet.

Lord Drake: So anyway, we only take the best of the best of the best of the best of th-  
Vyce: He's like a broken record...  
Tlanextic: He does this every time.  
Lord Drake: -best of the best of the best of the bes-  
Vyce: Does he even breathe?  
Tlanextic: I have no idea.  
Lord Drake: -f the best into our legion. Our main enemies are the Black Dragons and the Imperial... Templar?

There is a long pause as a Space Marine in White, Red and Gold power armor walks among the cultists.

Lord Drake: What in the nine hells? You there! Space Marine!  
Imperial Templar: I have a name you know.  
Lord Drake: I don't care!  
Imperial Templar: It's Ser Eiyan.  
Lord Drake: Ser.. Eiyan... What's with people insisting on their names when I don't care?

Tlanextic shrugs.

Lord Drake: Right. Anyway. Free promotion to the cultist who kills Ser..  
Eiyan: Eiyan.  
Lord Drake: Right. Eiyan. Whatever. Did I tell you I don't care?  
Eiyan: Three times already.  
Lord Drake: Well I'll tell you again. I don't care. GET HIM!

There is chirping for a moment, the cultists warily eye the Space Marine.

Dob: Whoa! Who's that dude in the yellow armor?  
Eiyan: Huh? what? Go away Heretic.  
Dob: Heretic?

Dob stares dumbly at Eiyan for a few minutes.

Dob: Who are you again?  
Eiyan: I am Ser Eiyan! I am a Space Marine of the Imperial Templar.

Dob stares again.

Dob: Who are you?  
Eiyan: I am Ser Eiy-

Vyce pawfaces.

Vyce: This is going to take awhile.  
Dunkok: Grelch! Don't you see? While he's busy, this is our opportunity to rise!  
Grelch: I suppose so...  
Dunkok: Let's kill him together and both hand them in, we can become Chaos Space Marines!

They both sneak up on Eiyan.

Eiyan: -of the Imperial Templar.  
Dob: Who ar-  
Dunkok: SURPRISE!

Dunkok leaps and stabs a knife into Eiyan's neck. Eiyan doesn't seem to notice.

Eiyan: -pace marine of the Imperi-  
Dunkok: What the hell?  
Grelch: Quick! Grab his sword!

The remaining cultist group form into a mob and violence ensues.

Lord Corrack: CAT FIGHT! LOSE THE CLOTHES!  
Lord Drake: But those are guys...  
Lord Corrack: So?  
Lord Drake: They are.. Cultist. Guys.  
Lord Corrack: So?  
Lord Drake: Nevermind.  
Lord Corrack: LOSE THE CLOTHES!  
Tlanextic: When did you get here?  
Lord Corrack: I don't remember. I just appear out of nowhere remember? Mmm.. Violence.

The fighting continues, and Eiyan doesn't appear to be bothered. After five or ten minutes, he finally falls over, weakly muttering that he is Ser Eiyan of the Imperial Templar. And for some odd reason Dob is holding the helmet.

Lord Drake: YOU!  
Dob: Huh? What?  
Lord Drake: Get 'im!

The klaw quickly grabs Dob and carries him away.

Lord Drake: He now has the honor to become one of us!  
Tlanextic: But my Lord. He's flawed!

The klaw quickly returns, except there is no Dob, and hovers menacingly over Tlanextic.

Lord Drake: What I say goes!

Grelch and Dunkok leap and hold onto the klaw.

Lord Drake: Anyway. The rest of you are dismissed to the obstacle course. Dismissed!

The klaw moves out of sight, carrying the two cultists away. the rest of the cultists are doomed to go through the obstacle course... OF DOOM. Where there is the lake of doom. The pit of doom. The Candy Mountain of doom.. and even the cake of doom!

Tlanextic: THE CAKE IS A LIE.

END TRANSMISSION 28


	29. Episode 29: Corrack Leaves With A Bang

Lord Drake Misadventures 29  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

Lord Corrack: You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals. So lets do it like they do it on the discovery channel.

Lord Corrack is playing a song very loudly. And it's not just any song. It's the song.

Lord Drake: This is going to be another one of those dull days again, isn't it?  
Lord Corrack: Well not really. You see. I'm packing up all my stuff from the fortress.  
Lord Drake: Packing up? Your leaving?  
Lord Corrack: Yes. I need to return to my own legion after all. They have a need of me, and you seem to not require my presence anymore.  
Lord Drake: But.. but... fun times? Awesome jokes?  
Lord Corrack: Yes. I know. But it's time I took my leave. My forces call for me.

Tlanextic walks into the room. And examine what's going on.

Tlanextic: What's all this blasted noise? I see packing of weapons.. armor.. and clothes. I'm surprised you even have clothes.  
Lord Corrack: What? You suppose I walk around naked under my power armor?  
Tlanextic: I wouldn't put it past you. I mean. You are kinda sick and perverted.  
Lord Corrack: Well I'm sure your happy to note that I'm leaving you guys to yourselves, back to my own place on my own Daemon world.  
Tlanextic: About damn time.  
Lord Corrack: But.. you know.. There was always something I wanted to do..

Tlanextic arches an eyebrow.

Tlanextic: And that is?

Lord Corrack grind fiendishly, Tlanextic takes a step backwards, before Corrack slams the lithe sorcerer against the wall, pins him, and then steals a kiss. Which causes Tlanextic to twitch.

Tlanextic: YOU BASTARD!

Tlanextic storms out of the room, disgusted and shocked. Lord Drake eyes the door, then looks to Corrack, back to the door, Corrack again.

Lord Drake: That was epic.  
Lord Corrack: The best goodbye I can give.. Other than sloppy seconds.

Lord Drake shakes his head as he leaves.

Lord Corrack leaves the planet via his personal starship... The Warped Hooker  
But as he leaves, a new horror appears in the form of--

???: Why hello there babe ;)

Lord Drake jawdrops, having been standing on the roof watching Corrack's departure. There in front of him, stood a female Eldar..--Or maybe a Dark Eldar, Lord Drake never knew the diffrence anyway--and she looked disturbingly familiar. He couldn't place where..

???: Well don't you recognise me hot stuff?  
Lord Drake: Was there another Fiesta I forgot about?  
???: No you silly goose.. It's me. Arafalas.

Lord Drake stares in horror, Tlanextic and Rheumwight walked up to the roof just as she appeared.

Lord Drake: Arafalas!?  
Tlanextic: Arafalas!?  
Rhuemwight: ARAFALAS!?

Rhuemwight is so shocked he explodes without a word.

Arafalas: Uh-huh~!  
Tlanextic: How did.. What did.. Who. What!?  
Arafalas: Oh. Naso decided shi would have some fun and swap my gender and then unleash me on you unsuspecting fools.

Arafalas grins wickedly and walks right in front of Lord Drake. Who sits there shocked and speechless for once.

Arafalas: So babe..

Arafalas places a hand on Lord Drake's arm.

Arafalas: how about me and you have some fun? ;)  
Lord Drake: Don't touch me!

Lord Drake recoils, gathering himself together and giving the now-femme Eldar a glare.

Arafalas: Push me? And then just touch me? Until I get m-  
Lord Drake: no no no.. That's an awful song.  
Tlanextic: Ah hell. It's stuck in my head again. HOW COULD YOU!?  
Arafalas: So it appears the tables are turned.  
Lord Drake: Uhm.. uhm.. You'd look great pregnant?  
Arafalas: Mmm.. I know I would ;) How'd you like to be the parent to my young?  
Lord Drake: Ack. Ick. Despicable!  
Arafalas: Haha. You don't like women?  
Lord Drake: It's not that I'm homosexual wench. Your a Xeno.. That'd be just.. wrong.  
Araflas: Mm.. But SO right.

Tlanextic sighs.

Tlanextic: With all this Mmming I would be thinking I should call you BenJi Man or something for some odd reason...  
Rhuemwight: That sounds familiar..  
Tlanextic: AAAH! STOP THAT!

Rhuemwight snickers, having startled Tlanextic by his sudden reappearance.

Rhuemwight: But it's fun.  
Tlanextic: So what happens when you die?  
Rhuemwight: Well. I can move around and see what's happening. And there's this big voice that goes... "Respawn in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1." and then I come back.  
Tlanextic: How Strange. It must be a Khorne thing.  
Arafalas: Rhuemwight...

Rhuemwight twitches.

Arafalas; how wonderful it is to see you again.  
Rhuemwight: S-s-s-see me miss?

Arafalas moves away from Lord Drake with a wink, the Chaos Lord snorting and powering up his chain axe. Rhuemwight looks nervous as usual, starting to sweat and gulps as Arafalas moves a bit too close for his cultist mind for comfort.

Arafalas: Of course.. Such a delicious looking mors-

Rhuemwight, getting a bit too nervous, paranoid and stressed, explodes right as Arafalas tries to kiss him. Which leaves a scorched female Eldar looking pissed.

Tlanextic: Hell hath no fury like a Transsexual scorned.  
Arafalas: What did you call me?

Arafalas advances on the sorcerer, while Lord Drake 'stealthily'-or at least as much as possible with a roaring chainaxe-creeps up on the Eldar. Who misses a swing since she moved from Rhuemwight. He curses himself.

Tlanextic: Transsexual. Transgendered. You know. Sex change.  
Arafalas: I'll hack you limb from lim-

There is a sudden roaring of a chainaxe as Lord Drake rends Arafalas in two.

Lord Drake: Ha-HAH! I should have done this ages ago!

Lord Drake cackles and chops with his chain axe over and over...

Meanwhile on The Warped Hooker

Naso: So.. Like. You can be my secretary or something.  
Vyce: Wait.. What? No.  
Naso: It'd be easy. See. All you'd have to do is hold this scroll here and say "Welcome vermin. Your soul is mine." and then check the scroll and shout "NEXT!"  
Vyce: No.. no. No no. I'm a slave to no-one.

A White/Cyan Chaos Dragon melds from nowhere and taps Vyce on the shoulder. The dragon growls and turns.

Vyce: I'm busy he-Oh. Hi.

Keva snorts.

Keva: Slave to no-one? Last I checked I technically own you.  
Vyce: That was when you were my Master.

Vyce shifty-eyes.

Vyce: But your my Mate.  
Keva: And your still my bitch ;)  
Vyce: Dammit.  
Keva: So. Yeah. Naso?

Naso headtilts at this, smirking.

Naso: Yesss?  
Keva: Vyce is your secretary from now on.  
Vyce: But but!  
Keva: Do I need to grab the whip?  
Vyce: No Sir...  
Naso: Muwhahaha.. Deliicous. I think I like you Chaos Dragon.  
Keva: But there are conditions.  
Naso: Bah. I should have known!  
Keva: Black Maid Outfit in Anthro form.  
Vyce: What!? But!?

Keva growls and chomps on Vyce's shoulder.

Keva: Is that an argument?  
Vyce: N-n-no Sir.

Vyce grumbles, and Keva and Naso talk about terms. Naso looks around for a moment.

Naso: Eh? What's Arafalas doing here...?

Back on the Daemon world Draconis.

???: Drakey poooo! We're here to visit!  
Lord Drake: Oh god. NO. NO. NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Fade to black while Lord Drake has a horrified look on his face


	30. Episode 30: Ah Mothers

**Lord Drake Misadventures 30**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

???: Oh my god. Paramedic!  
Paramedic: Ugh. Snake. No, not again.  
Snake: I'm serious this time! It's some sort of.. of.. water demon!  
Paramedic: Snake. No, it's just a turtle.  
Snake: M-m-metal gear!  
Paramedic: What? Snake? Metal Gear? It's supposed to be destroyed?  
Snake: METAL GEAR! METAL GEAR! BLAOFEIOTUWSKGJSDLG-

There's a loud stomping sound.

Paramedic: Snake? Snake? Respond!  
General: Snake? Snake? Snaaaaaaake!?  
Lord Drake in a Titan: Rubbish excuse for a human anyway.  
General: You fool! You just caused a Time Paradox. You can't g-  
Lord Drake: Paradox this.

Another loud stomp.

* * *

???: Drakey pooo!~ I'm here to visit...  
Lord Drake: No. It can't be!  
Tlanextic: Who is this woman?  
???: Woman? I'm his mother!

Lord Drake sighs, Tlanextic lets this thought process for a moment before bursting into laughter.

Tlanextic: You have a mother?  
Lord Drake: I sort of meant to kill he-I mean. Move out.. Yeah..  
Tlanextic: This should be a riot.  
Drake's Mom: So who is this? Is this your boyfriend?  
Lord Drake: Ugh. Mom! For the hundredth time. I'm not gay.  
Drake's Mom: Don't give me that lip. You've always been avoiding girls, so did you think I wouldn't figure it out?  
Lord Drake: I've been a Space Marine! Space Marines are too busy for something as trivial as women.  
Drake's Mom: Oh. Right. I'm sure that's the good reason. Why couldn't you be like everyone else? Grow up, get married, have kids? But nooo.. I had to mother a Space Marine.

Lord Drake eyerolls as Tlanextic attempts to contain his laughter... and fails miserably.

Drake's Mom: And now look at what happened to you? All by yourself, cooped up in this fortress, and you don't even have anything conquered.  
Lord Drake: I'm working on that!  
Drake's Mom: And I've been so worried about you. have you kept your armor clean? Carried multiple pairs of underwear? Been flirting with some nice girl?  
Lord Drake: Mother! I'm a Chaos Space Marine now. Girls are the least of my concern. And if you so much as mention my underwear again...  
Drake's Mom: Excuse me young man?  
Lord Drake: I'm not a young man, I'm a century old for Khorne's sake.  
Drake's Mom: Are you taking a tone with me?  
Lord Drake: No mother..

Tlanextic snickers.

Tlanextic: Mama's boy?  
Lord Drake: When she leaves your dead.  
Tlanextic: Can't you just kick her off the planet? Your a Chaos Lord for Tzeentch's sake, things like this shouldn't bother you.  
Drake's Mom: Pipe it down shorty.  
Tlanextic: Shorty? You should see Ahriman. Good god.

Ahriman appears from nowhere.

Ahriman: I heard that!  
Lord Drake: Don't you have something better to do?

Ahriman ponders this for a moment and sighs.

Ahriman: No. Not really. I'm defending my honor here.  
Tlanextic: Your a Tzeencthi Sorcerer, you don't have honor.  
Ahriman: I'll give you that.. But...

Vyce takes this moment to step onto the scene, and eyes Ahriman.

Vyce: Oh look. The sorcerer that accidentally set me free.

He doesn't notice Lord Drake's mother until she is right in front of him. She stares up at him, wide-eyed.

Drake's Mom: Why.. Drakey! I didn't know you kept pets.

Vyce twitches, and eyes Lord Drake glaring as if saying 'choose your next words carefully.'

Lord Drake: Mom. He's not my pet, he's a dr-  
Drake's Mom: Don't be silly. He has to be. I mean look at him, he's a big dragon.  
Vyce: A big dragon that talks.  
Drake's Mom: Wow! Amazing! It talks.

Vyce groans, and Tlanextic continues laughing, Ahriman sticks around to watch.

Vyce: Can I please kill her or something?  
Drake's Mom: Violent too, Drakey you need to teach your pets better. I'll be surprised if he's even house broken.

Vyce growls softly, and with Lord Drake seeming to plead not to kill her, the Chaos Dragon sighs and tailflicks in agitation, fighting down the insatiable urge to maim this woman where she stands.

Lord Drake: Mother...  
Drake's Mom: Don't mother me. I see you haven't gotten any better since you left home. I mean, look at this place. Filthy.  
Lord Drake: But..  
Drake's Mom: No butts mister, or it'll be yours in the corner.  
Vyce: Well this is amusing...  
Drake's Mom: Can I pet him?  
Vyce: If you want to lose an arm.  
Drake's Mom: Drakey... Keep your pet in line please?

Lord Drake moves a muscle.

Vyce: I hope you like your legs.

Lord Drake stops moving and gulps.

Drake's Mom: Drakey poo..  
Lord Drake: No.  
Drake's Mom: Don't talk to me like that dear.  
Lord Drake: Oh no. Your in my fortress. On my Daemon world. You go by my rules. My house. My rules.  
Vyce: Isn't that right Abbadon?  
Drake's Mom: What?  
Vyce: Abbadon.  
Drake's Mom: But. I'm..

Lord Drake smirks.

Lord Drake: Abbadon.

Drake's mom is wreathed in a glow, vanishes, and then reappears.

Lord Drake: Ah-hah! Impostor!  
Abbadon: Curses! Foiled again.  
Lord Drake: Get out of here Black Legion fool.  
Abbadon: And I would have gotten away with it too. If it weren't for you meddling kids.  
Vyce: Ahem.  
Abbadon: And that Dragon too! Ta ta for now.

Abbadon poofs.

Tlanextic: I'll never forget this.  
Ahriman: I'll make sure nobody forgets this.  
Lord Drake: Urge to kill everyone rising...  
General: Snake? Snake? Snaaaaake!

Vyce sighs and bats the general away with a paw.

Vyce: Shut up already....


	31. Episode 31: Imperial Jeopardy

Lord Drake Misadventures 31  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

* * *

Announcer: And welcome back to the galaxy's favorite gameshow, Imperial Jeopardy. With our host, Venerable Alex Trebek.

The camera fades into the view of a studio, a podium in front of an array of screens, three booths with three figures, but more on them in a moment. The stompings of a Dreadnaught can be heard, and the walking 'metal box' trumps into view behind the podium.

Trebek: Welcome to another show of Imperial Jeopardy, I'm your age-old host Alex Trebek. Let's see who we have for our contestants today.

The view focuses on the first podium revealing a familiar looking Chaos Sorceror, Tlanextic.

Trebek: Here we have Tlanextic, adviser for the Black Draconis Chaos Legion. May the Emperor grant you mercy.

Camera switches to the next person, and Trebek notes his heraldry and sighs.

Trebek: And here we have the Slaaneshi Chaos Lord Corrack, who hails from a currently unnamed legion.  
Lord Corrack: You can't escape me this time!  
Trebek: I'll be rid of you one of these days.

The camera moves along to another familiar Chaos Lord.

Trebek: What is this? A Misdventures special or something? Last but not least we have Lord Drake himself, the scourge of Draconis, daemon world home to the Black Draconis legion.  
Lord Drake: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!  
Trebek: Huh?  
Lord Corrack: It's his Khorne tourettes acting up again.  
Trebek: Really?  
Tlanextic: All of his followers have those.  
Trebek: I see. I see...

The camera focuses on the board.

Trebek: Okay. On with the show, today's categories are... Potent Potables.... Dawn of War... Yam... Infamous Beta issues.. And Cadia. Corrack.. You.. Get to choose first.

Lord Corrack grins.

Lord Corrack: I'll take your mother for 500.

Corrack and Drake share demented laughing, Tlanextic even palmfaces.

Trebek: What?

Dreadnought Trebek eyes the board, and his autocannon powers up and fires a shell that knocks Corrack over.

Trebek: That's not even a category.  
Lord Corrack: *while getting back up, snickering.* Well. You see. Yam is the swear filter. So it can really mean anything. Like... the word for a female dog. And since I'm trying to dodge the swear filter I'm sure someone can figure out what I mean. So, again, I'll take your mother for 500 as she's a fine piece of arse.  
Trebek: I hate you.  
Lord Corrack: I know.

Trebeks sighs, and the category flips over.

Trebek: Yams were first found and grown in this area.

Lord Corrack rings the buzzer, followed by Lord Drake, being late.

Lord Corrack: What is.. in your mother?

Corrack and Drake crack up again.

Trebek: Your mother jokes are really getting old.  
Lord Corrack: Just like your mother!

More laughter.

Lord Drake: I dunno, as old and overused as they are, it cracks me up every time.  
Trebek: Why do I even associate with these people again?  
Tlanextic: I could ask myself the same question.  
Trebek: Right. So you lose points. Tlanextic?  
Tlanextic: What is.. Africa?  
Trebek: Ah. Somebody has a brain around here after all.

Tlanextic nods.

Trebek: You have the board.  
Tlanextic: I'll take Dawn of War for two hundred.  
Trebek: This character in Dawn of War is famous for METAL BOXES.

Lord Drake and Lord Corrack stare blankly. fiddle a bit, and sigh. Tlanextic arches an eyebrow and shakes his head and hits the buzzer.

Tlanextic: Who is Lord Carron?  
Trebek: Correct.  
Tlanextic: I'll take Beta issues for 300.  
Trebek: This weapon was lauded for being one of the most imbalanced Tyranid weapons.

Corrack clicks quickly. Trebek stares at him, if a Dreadnought can stare.

Lord Corrack: Uhhhhh.. What is a Blastmaster?  
Trebek: Why did you even push that button?  
Lord Corrack: I like the sound it makes.  
Trebek: Chaos isn't even IN Dawn of War 2 you idiot.

Trebek's auto-cannon starts to turn again, Lord Corrack falls over as it shoots him again.

Trebek: I'm so glad I'm allowed to shoot you people because your Chaos. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Lord Corrack grumbles and stands again.

Trebek: The answer was "What is A Venom Cannon?" I'm surprised you didn't get that. So many people complaining, so many lives lost in the Emperor's service! I would shed a tear for them, but alas, Dreadnoughts have no tears.

Later.

Trebek: So.. The final score is Tlanextic with 1,000. Lord Corrack with negative.. ... I'm sure I'm reading this wrong.  
Lord Corrack: Nope. But I'm sure I'm reading your mother correctly.

Trebek sighs.

Trebek: They should have loaded me with a missile launcher. An explosion is so much more satisfying than just bolter rounding you in the face.  
Lord Drake: You name isn't Versian is it?  
Trebek: Hmm. Venerable Dreadnought Versian. It seems to have a certain ring to it. So anyway. Lord Corrack with negative one million, for pressing his buzzer over.. and over.. and over.

Corrack hits his buzzer.

Trebek: Your end is at hand.  
Lord Corrack: Haha!  
Trebek: And finally, Lord Drake with.. One dollar. How this is possible, I have NO idea.

The screen flashes quickly.

Trebek: Right. So, it's time for Final Jeopardy. And the question is... "Who is the Eldar's greatest enemy?" place you bets and answer.. Now. Or may the Emperor smite you and feed your souls to the dark gods.

The three work over their drawing pads. Tlanextic finishes early, Corrack seems to be drawing something, and Lord Drake ponders over his board with the Jeopardy music going.

Trebek: Right. So. Let's look at your answers. Let's start with Lord Drake.

The screen shows Lord Drake's board, written there is "Tin foil? Coral Reefs? Imeprial Guard?"

Trebek: What? I said Eldar, and there is only one answer. Pick one.  
Lord Drake: Uhm.. Uhm.. Coral Reefs.  
Trebek: I'm sorry, that's wrong. Well. I'm not sorry. Let's see what you wagered...

Trebek pauses.

Trebek: Vyce... Dryke... I'm sorry. You can't wager a person. In fact you should meet him.

Trebek presses a button with his other 'hand', and Lord Drake falls into a trap door. Trebek moves over to Lord Corrack, who is giggling.

Trebek: I'm going to regret this, aren't I?  
Lord Corrack: Yup.  
Trebek: Okay.. So your answer is... "Your mother." Well, just what I expected. A your mother joke. I am somehow not surprised. And the wager is... "Is good in bed.."

Lord Corrack bursts into laughter.

Trebek: My mother is good in bed. Great. That's nice.  
Lord Corrack: And I would know.  
Trebek: I'm going to enjoy this.

Trebek grabs Lord Corrack with a Dreadnaught 'claw', lifts him up, fires off his flamer, and tosses him across the stage and off-camera. Which leaves just Tlanextic.

Trebek: Okay. So. Just you. I could say you win.. but. Your answer?  
Tlanextic: Chaos.  
Trebek: Technically correct, I would have taken Chaos or Necrons. The winner, is you.

The Imperial Jeopardy logo flashes across the screen.

Trebek: And that was Imperial Jeopardy. I'm getting too old for this job. Almost 41,000 years! I need a new day job.

Message of the day: Your mother.


	32. Episode 32: Imperial Templar

**Lord Drake Misadventures 32**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

???: Agent17? *static* respond? This is HQ-*bzzzzt...*-pond.  
Agent: I'm sorry Sir. I'm okay. I appear to be under a large vehicle that dropped from the sky.  
HQ: Baneblade? Elaborate.  
Agent17: Sir. A Baneblade. From the sky.  
HQ: How did you survive?  
Agent17: I dunno. I was fine. as long as it doesn't try to explod-

The Baneblade starts beeping.

Agent17: Ah hell.

*BOOM!*

Agent17: Oh god the pain...

* * *

Versian: NOBODY EXPECTS THE IMPERIAL TEMPLAR!

Versian shouts before braining a Bloodthirster with his Warhammer. The creature topples, and Lord Drake watches the Space Marines and eyes the Bloodthirster with a frown.

Lord Drake: Well that's not very nice.  
Versian: With Chaos scum like you, how can you expect me to be nice?  
Lord Drake: I don't know, maybe you can like. Retire, go to Hawaii, enjoy the rest of your existence and let the rest of us have our fun.  
Tlanextic: Your continued interference is unsettling.

Versian snorts, walking up to the Chaos Lord, waving his hammer around. Drake just steps to the side as the hammer smashes into the ground.

Versian: It is you that caused the death of Ser Aiyen!  
Lord Drake: I believe it was my cultists. Not me.  
Versian: You offered a promotion to them.  
Lord Drake: I did? Oh dear, it must have slipped my mind. It must have been an accident.  
Versian: Accident this!

Lord Drake dodges again as Versian swings.

Lord Drake: This is war, not baseball. Or golf. Orrrr.. Hockey.. Eh.  
Doom: Oi!  
Lord Drake: Shut up Canadian.. Err. Cadian.

Doom stalks off in a Canadia-Cadian rage.

Versian: Doesn't that joke get old?  
Lord Drake: Will we ever stop breaking the fourth wall?  
Vyce: Good question.

Versian blinks and stares, having not seen the Chaos Dragon before.

Vyce: What? Is there something on my face?  
Versian: Daemon!  
Vyce: Well. Yes. Sorta. I guess.  
Versian: I challenge you to a duel!  
Vyce: What? Duel? Me?  
Ser Aiyen: He does this to everyone. Once he challenged a tree to a duel.. and lost.

Drake, Versian, and Vyce stare at the Imperial Templar Space Marine.

Lord Drake: Aren't you supposed to be dead? I though they kill-Err.. Accidentally killed you.  
Aiyen: Can it Chaos Lord.  
Lord Drake: Doesn't that require cans?  
Lord Corrack: I got your cans RIGHT here.

A Sister of Battle fumes, screaming something about fire and brimstone and what would happen to Lord Corrack if she ever got free.

Lord Corrack: See? Cans.  
Lord Drake: Don't you have something better to do?  
Lord Corrack: Not really, I got bored of harassing people on the forums. And then I went to a local Feminist rally and found this hot chick.  
Lord Drake: You and your females.

Versian ahems.

Aiyen: Right, so I was somehow revived by the grace of the emperor.  
Versian: Anyway. Epic duel!  
Vyce: I'll pass.  
Versian: What? You'll pass? You'll taste my bolter daemon filth.

Versian pulls his bolter, and they suddenly shoot.. Candy bars!?

Versian: What the? What the hell?

Tlanextic waves.

Tlanextic: Maybe we'll pull a win this time. No?  
Vyce: Maybe this is getting as bad as Arfenhouse.  
Lord Drake: I don't think we can ever stoop that low.  
Tlanextic: Maybe if you stopped letting it rot your brain dragon.

Vyce shrugs, and swipes his tail at Versian, who easily dodges it.

Versian: Face me dragon!  
Vyce: Or what? I beat you, you sick your Space Marines on me anyway. You beat me, we get thrown off-planet. Again. I'm really sick of coming back to this training world over.. and over.. and over.  
Lord Corrack: Hey. There's plenty of babes here. I can't complain.

A squad of SoB advance upon Lord Corrack.

Lord Corrack: Ah! My fans.... ARE SHOOTING AT ME! FLEE FLEE!

Lord Corrack dashes away, an angry mob of SoB in his wake, fire licking at the air and bolter shells whizzing back and forth. And Versian tries to fire his bolter again, and it shoots candy canes. Versian sighs and puts it away, and pulls out his chainsword.. Which turns into chainsausage, the device somehow humming anyway. The Space Marine stares again, and Tlanexitc whistles innocently.

Versian: YOULL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Versian drops a beacon, and then abruptly vanishes, Ser Aiyen being taken in tow.

* * *

Agent21: Hah! Taken out by a Baneblade. serves him right.

Vyce snorts.

Vyce: It could be worse. He got the standard Baneblade treatment. Mormota got the Baneblade treatment and Naso turned him into a phase dildo. Or I could put him at the mercy of a Chaos Dragon. Or introduce him to my friend Bubba.  
Bubba: You've got a purty mouth.

Agent21 shivers.

Agent21: I'll pass.  
Vyce: Aww. But I think Bubba likes you.  
Agent21: Oh god don't touch me!

Bubba chases Agent21 around for a while. Vyce watches and counts the digits on his paws, and right on cue a Stormblade lands on Agent21. Bubba however is stuck outside the crash.

Bubba: Oh well. Guess it's back to the prison cells for me. SANWICH.

.....

Bubba: AUUUUGH! BALONY!

*thud*


	33. Episode 33: More Crazy Forum Stuff

**Lord Drake Misadventures 33**  
By: Vyce Dryke

Kommando: Hehehe... Now we just sneak into this base here...

A Kommando is 'sneaking' into a Space Marines base, who is currently out busy on the field, and is 'disguised' by hiding behind a cardboard cutout of a Space Marine. Nobody is around the base. He walks up, plants a bomb, and then runs with an exclamation mark over his head. All of a sudden...

BOOM!

A strange looking Force Commander turns his head, and sees his HQ in shambles, broken and destroyed... And then throws a fit.

Pan8ro: IM YAM INVESTING HALF MY TIME IN THIS YAM BETA AND ANY IMBA YAM COMES ANDS KABOOMS MY BASE!!!!

Lord Drake Misadventures, 33

* * *

Lord Drake: Okay okay okay. Picture the following scene.  
Tlanextic: Oh not again..  
Lord Drake: So we're on the forums for the Dawn of War 2 PC Game, and I can't help but notice...

Hazy flashback effects...

Vyce: Oh hell. No. No. NO! Flashback!

The forums.. Or well, the metaphorical representation of the forums.

Empire09: Oh my god. Alert the media, alert the cows, alert god himself! there is a game-breaking bug. I MUST ALERT THE FORUMS!

Some time later.

Empire09: What? My thread got locked? Saying they're working on it?

More time past.

Empire09: They're not responding to my posts. It must clearly mean they're not doing anything about it. I DEMAND SATISFACTION. I'll just post in these other forums.. Hm.. Something about.. "I hear NeCoHo tracks you by your IP, hunts you down, and then beats you with an Adeptus Moderator Banhammer and THEN you get banned." Huh. That's just silly.

Meanwhile, on the front.

NeCoHo: Hmm.. Lock.. Lock.. Delete post.. Lock.. Oh hell.  
ImmortalChaos: Oh hell?  
NeCoHo: Yeah. I just locked this thread, and up comes another one.. Some Empire09 dude.  
IC: So why don't we just get him banned?  
NeCoHo: It's okay, I have the free time to lock some of this stuff anyway...  
CXE: Uhhh.. NeCoHo.. We have a problem..  
NeCoHo: And that is?  
CXE: Well.. I keep locking this thread, and then five more show up.  
IC: We better get Thunder...

The two moderators and the Relic Dev look towards the red phone.

CXE: I'm not touching that phone. We're supposed to only call for emergencies.  
IC: Pansy.  
NeCoHo: Well we need to nip this in the bud. I mean, look at this kid.. "Don't upgrade your machine, the game is broke..", "It doesn't matter anyway, the bug is breaking the game..", "They're clearly lying about this." He's obssesed. We can only throw up so many damn walls.

Before IC can touch the phone, Thunder appears in.. predicatly, a roar of thunder.

Thunder: You rang?  
NeCoHo: So could you ban this guy?  
Thunder: Hmm...

Thunder stares at the giant 'forum status screen'.

Thunder: Done.

Thunder vanishes in a sound of thunder... And the nearby doors knock down.

DoW2orBust: Haha! I cannot be defeated so easily.  
ArtillerySmoke: Hoho. Now there are two of us!

NeCoHo: Oh bloody hell.  
IC: I'll fetch the Bazooka.

Something grabs IC's leg as he move to actually get the thing.

Kozuka: Nerf.. Nerf.. Tyranids...  
Incon: They're broken.  
CXE: Dear god! They're everywhere! I'll get the Kan.

NeCoHo snorts and grabs his sparking banhammer, multi-fucntion and all.

NeCoHo: Maybe we should...

NeCoHo slams a heavy hit to DoW2orBust, and he goes flying into a nearby wall and instantly freezes into a lock.

NeCoHo: Apply a little pressure!

Another swing and there goes Artillery, IC is busy blasting the hell out of the horde screaming 'Nerf Tyranids'

posts4relic: Stupid fanboys!  
NeCoHo: Come now! I come for your post counts!

Artillery starts to flash, the lock on him fading as he starts to make another thread, DoW2orBust going as well.

NeCoHo: Lock one and more show up..  
harneyempire3: I'm back!  
Artillery: So am I..  
DoW2orBust: Muwhahaha!

The Kommando from the intro scene walks in, blinks and looks around. He drops his bomb, and then runs away with an exclamation over his head. Everyone stops and looks at it.

IC: Uhhh.. CXE. You did say you fixed that bug.. Right?  
CXE: I thought we did..  
NeCoHo: Well this won't end well..  
IC: OH SHIII-

BOOOM.

Pan8ro walks by, stares, and comments with..

Pan8ro: IM YAM INVESTING HALF MY TIME IN THIS YAM BETA AND ANY IMBA YAM COMES ANDS KABOOMS MY BASE!!!!

Pan8ro curses and vents a bit, walking by the ruined moderator lounge, leaving everyone dazed and confused..

Incon: What were we arguing about again?  
Empire09: I dunno.. Something about Muffins...  
Artillery: Yeah! Yeah! NERF MUFFINS.  
harneyempire3: IMBA MUFFINS!  
DoW2orBust: MUFFINS ARE OP.

Thunder appears with a loud sound of Thunder, hefts his banhammer, and grins wickedly.

Thunder: You called down the Thunder.. Now reap the whirlwind.

It's going to be a loooong day..


	34. Episode 34: Blighted Power Armor

Lord Drake Misadventures 34

By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

The scene is a posh office in a shiny building. The Blizzard logo is everywhere, as are statues and other things that have to do with Starcraft.. The Blizzard CEO sits in his posh chair, reading over the recent Terran campaign notes.

Blizzard Lead Writer: Okay.. So. We have Kerrigan backed up into the corner. The Xel'naga hybrid dudes could come in and make things CEO: What? I like Kerrigan, we can't just kill her.  
Blizzard Lead Write: But.. You like Raynor too?  
Blizzard CEO: Hey. Here's an idea. Let's turn Jim Raynor into a Zerg like Kerrigan. That'll fix everything. Neither of them get to die. It's a perfect idea! And then we can kill those hybrids instead.  
Blizzard Lead Writer: That's the stupidis-  
Blizzard CEO: You like your job, yes?

The Lead Writer sighs

Blizzard Lead Writer: We'll get right on it sir.  
Blizzard CEO: I didn't like those Hybrids anyway

* * *

Lord Drake: Behold! The blighted power armor!  
Tlanextic: Why in the hell do you want that thing? It reeks of Nurgle.  
Lord Drake: Nurgle!? NURGLE!?  
Tlanextic: Oh he's not that horrible.  
Lord Drake: NURGLE!?

Typhus appears, in power armor and a monocle.

Typhus: My word! A Nurgle nurgle here.. A Nurgle nurgle there. Old McDonald had a Nurgle. E I E I O...

Tlanextic stares and Typhus ahems.

Typhus: Behold! I am the Typhu-  
Lord Drake: Yeah yeah. Typhus the Traveller, Herald of Nurgle, Host of the Destroyer Hive.  
Typhus: How did you know?  
Tlanextic: We sorta met before.  
Lord Drake: You know.. Recruitment day.. Your table was knocked over, Ahriman and whats-his-face duking it out.  
Typhus: Fulgrim?  
Lord Drake: Yeah. Whats-his-face.  
Thyphus: I hear he's a pansy, soemthing about pleasure worlds..  
Lord Drake: Yeah, but he wipes that shorty Ahriman across the floor.  
Tlanextic: So what are you doing here anyway?

Thypus ahems and adjusts his weight, holding what looks like ancient power armor.

Thyphus: I am here to.. dispose of this armor.. I can't seem to trash it..  
Lord Drake: What in the name of the four fathers is that?  
Thyphus: This? This is the Blighted Power Armor!

Lord Drake eyes the armor.

Lord Drake: What's so special about it?  
Thyphus: Uhhh.. I has a uhh.. a Primary Electro-magnetic Confinement Sequencer  
Tlanextic: A... What?  
Thyphus: A Quantum Pulse Matrix?  
Lord Drake: Which is?  
Thyphus: It has a Passive Molecular Replication System, which helps the Secondary Particle Phase Regulator which is connected to the Antimatter Focus Index and is powered by a Dynamic Phase Grid.

Tlanextic and Lord Drake stare at Thyphus.

Thyphus: Ugh. It's old and busted.  
Lord Drake: But it doens't have a Active Radiation Variance Generator.  
Thyphus: A what?  
Tlanextic: Or a Primary Isolinear Resonance Scanner.  
Thyphus: Oh now your making stuff up.  
Lord Drake: How can you make up a Universal Isolinear Transference Drive?

Thyphus seems lost for words.

Thyphus: Your mom is a Universal Isolinear Transference Drive.  
Lord Drake: No she isn't, she's a Ion Polarization Coil.  
Tlanextic: And a Negative Plasma Deflector Engine.

Thyphus suddenly explodes with confusion. Leaving behind the armor.. and.. a peg leg?

Lord Drake: Oh. Wow.  
Tlanextic: So.. Should we take the armor?  
Lord Drake: It seems cursed. Let's give it to Rhuemwight to see if it does anything to him. And what about this leg?

Tlanextic walks up to the peg leg, and looks it over at every angle.

Tlanextic: It appears to be... Wirt's fourth leg?  
Lord Drake: How many legs does that bastard have?  
Tlanextic: I dunno.  
Lord Drake: Hm.  
Tlanextic: And why would armor have a Universal Isolinear Transference Drive?  
Lord Drake: Hell if I know.


	35. Episode 35: Black Crusade 14 and 15

**Lord Drake Misadventures 35.**  
By: Vyce Dryke

In the beginning, God created the light, god saw the light, and said it was good. And then God created the Emperor, and said it was good. The Emperor saw the light, watched it for a few minutes, and then said FUCK YO COUGH NUCKA, and then there was grim darkness.

The Emperor created the space marines, and said it was good. But God, who was still angry with the Emperor, said YAM YOU YAMMING YAMMERS INTO THE YAMS OF YAM. And knocked all the primarchs into various regions of space.

The Emperor, upset and embittered, discovered that god was indeed Tzeentch! The Changer of Ways. And banished him to the warp for all eternity. Tzeentch, angry, gathered his brothers Nurgle, Slaanesh, and bloodthirsty Khorne in glorious battle in a black crusade.

And then they failed as the Emperor shouted mightily, "GET OFF MY LAWN!" and punted them back into the eye of terror. They tried a few more times, and then met Abbadon.

Abbadon led what is now called a Black Crusade. Later named as a cover-up for several failures afterwards and it sounded better as a crusade since the Imperials seemed to have coined the term int he first place, blatantly ignoring the origins having to do with knights and Christians and that the crusades were mostly a failure anyway. Hence it seems to make more sense.

But it seems to be funnier to not that, after failing 13 times (long past all the other unholy Chaos numbers) Abbadon is now known to be Failbbadon. And everyone wonders what would happen if someone else was in charge. Someone capable someone...

Lord Corrack: I hate to be so blunt, but YOU have the insanity... of a manatee!  
Lord Drake: Say what?  
Tlanextic: Hm. How do you even function?

Lord Corrack blinks, Tlanextic sighs and looks over, and at Lord Corrack's ear.. And sees the other side of Corrack's head.

Tlanextic: He's.. completly brainless.  
Lord Drake: Well that explains a lot.  
Vyce: Looked at your own ears lately Drake?  
Lord Drake: What?  
Vyce: That's what I thought. Don't have to look.  
Tlanextic: That would also explain this guy.  
Boreale: SPESS MEHRENES!  
Vyce; Or this guy.  
Carron: METAL BOXES.  
Lord Drake: And maybe him.  
Lord Bale: SIIINDRI!

Well. Maybe not any of those guys. They're a bit too.. Weird. Let's see what would happen if we placed any of these known figures in charge.

THE 14th BLACK CRUSADE Lord Bale edition.

Lord Bale: SIIIIINDRI! You've got some 'splaining to do!

Canned laughter.

Lord Bale: Where the hell is that coming from?

More Canned laughter. Sindri sighs.

Sindri: Yes my Lord?  
Lord Bale: We've been put in charge of the 14th Black Crusade! Do you have any ideas?  
Sindri: You mean other than betraying you and taking over the crusade myself?  
Lord Bale: What?  
Sindri: Nothing my Lord. I say we attack Cadia with the Orks, provide a large distraction,and summon something horrible from the warp.

So. Just as planned, Sindri throws Orks at the problem from the patented Ork Cannon (TM!). The Blood Ravens, for some weird reason, answer the call, show up with a gaggle of Cadians. The Cadians design a masterful plan, by getting onto Lord Bale's ship by delivering pizza in METAL BOXES.

Jim: Uhhh.. Pizza Dleivery.  
Lord Bale: What? SIIIINDRI!  
Jim: No. Not Sindri. Jim.  
Lord Bale: SIIINDRI!  
Jim: No no. My name is Jim. Jim the Cadia-Err. Canadian.  
Lord Bale: Canada? That sounds close to Cadia. Are you a Cadian?  
Jim: I said Cadian.  
Lord Bale: I don't remember ordering pizza. SIIINDRI! SIINDRI! Warp dammit where the hell are you?

Lord Bale sighs.

Lord Bale: You'll have to excuse me for a moment...

Lord Bale steps away, oes to shut the door, but Jim keeps the door barely open and unlocked as he walws away.

Jim: Now's our chance!

And so. The Blood Ravens and the Imperial Guard invade the starship. With no pizza in sight. And so Jim the Cadian go down in history for thrawting the 14th Black Crusade. Despite there being no surprise that it failed.. again.

THE 15TH BLACK CRUSADE

Boreale: BROTHERS! We have fehled the EMPRA!  
Lord Elihpas: Wait a minute. What are you doing here?  
Boreale: BROTHER! I am here in the Empra's service.  
Eliphas: Are you sure? You seem a bit out of place in Blood Raven armor Mahmut: My Lord. Tzeentch is known to have a strange... sense of humor.  
Eliphas: Do you really believe he's in charge of everything? I'm sure he hasn't planned every detail out, or he really just takes credit for all the strangeness. You'd think he'd come out and make it that we win instead of all this rot.  
Carron: METAL BOXES!  
Eliphas: Who the hell let you out of your cage?  
Mahmut: Tzeentch predicted this!  
Boreale: Just.  
Mahmut: ...As.  
Carron: ...PLANNED!

Eliphas stares for a few moments and sighs. Boreale stares dumbly, Mahmut blinks, and Carron.. Carron is..

Eliphas: What the hell are you doing?  
Carron: WHAT?  
Eliphas: Your removing Lord Bale's armor?

Carron nods, Bale seems to be stripped to nothing but his underarmor.

Carron: METAL BOXERS.  
Lord Bale: SIIIINDRI!

Canned laughter, Eliphas palm-faces.

Eliphas: Honestly. Why do I associate myself with you fools? No wonder you all failed. I can only imagine how Abbadon gets things done with idiots like you. Sindri and I are the only sane ones.. Sindri?

Eliphas looks around. Sindri is swaying back and forth.

Sindri: I'm... I'm in a box.  
Eliphas: No your not.  
Sindri: Would you like to come into.. my box?  
Eliphas: There's no box!  
Sindri: But I like my box. it's protective.. and.. and.  
Carron: PLASTIC TUPPERWARE!  
Eliphas: Are you retarded?

And so. Before it is even start, the 15th Black Crusade fails. It is revealed that maybe Failbbadon is the best choice. After all, why else would the dark gods stick with him? Especially since the Emperor and pals come in, go "GET OUT OF MY GRILL HOMIE" and kick chaos back into the eye of terror. Which isn't that Terrorible.


	36. Episode 36: Dungeon Keeper

**Lord Drake Misadventures 36**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

Lord Drake and co are deep into some caverns. Somewhere...

What?

Where?

No, It's not important. It's a cavern. With walls. You know. A Cave? Oh forget it.

Tlanextic: Why are we here again?  
Lord Drake: Hell if i know. Why did anybody climb Mount Everest?  
Tlanextic: Mount what?  
Lord Drake: Because it was there! So then. Logically. Why are we here?  
Tlanextic: Because it's there?  
Lord Drake: Gooood. Your learning. There is hope for you after all.

Tlanextic sighs.

Rhuemwight: The noises. The chittering. I hear them! They're in my head! Clawing. Fighting!  
Dragonspit: No you idiot, I hear it too. It's not in your head.  
Rhuemwight: I hear them! They go into my ears and then translate into my head. Technically I'm right.  
Dragonspit: Technically I can shove this combi-bolter up your arse.

Rhuemwight stares at the weapon, looks at himself, and at the weapon again.

Rhuemwight: I don't see how that can fit.  
Dragonspit: We'll make it fit.

Rhuemwight gulps and hides behind Lord Drake. Who is busy looking at a wall.

Lord Drake: Well. It's coming from here...  
Tlanextic: It's a solid rock wall...

Tlanextic shoves Drake aside.

Tlanextic: Observe. Solid Rock.

Tlanextic whacks the wall with his staff and the wall collapses. Two short green things with black eyes look up at the Sorcerer and blinks.

Imp: Are you a Warlock yes-yes? Or are you one of those despicable Wizard things?  
Imp2: We should tell the Dungeon Keeper.

Tlanextic: You talk like Skaven?

Imp: Skaven are pansies.  
Deep Voice: And you lot are no diffrent?

The imps yelp and scurry along the tunnel, making various tiles on the ground as they move along and add walls to the cavern.

Lord Drake: And who the hell are you?  
Voice: I am.. the Dungeon Keeper.  
Tlanextic: That's a horrible title.  
Keeper: And yours is no different?  
Lord Drake: Enough of this nonsense. What is this place? Why is it here?  
Keeper: I willed it here.  
Rhuemwight: And what's that heart thumping noise?  
Dragonspit: Might just be you.  
Lord Drake: No. I hear it.  
Keeper: Let me show you. However. Are you with the humans or with another keeper?  
Lord Drake: Never heard of 'em before. And the Imperials are no friends of ours.

The Dungeon Keeper nods and beckons.

Keeper: Come. Let me show you around.

The group nod and they go forward.

Keeper: This. This is the treasury.  
Lord Drake: Hah! There's enough gold here to put a dragon horde to shame!  
Dragonspit: Vyce is missing out on this.  
Tlanextic: Wait a minute. Why is that.. Salamander collecting gold?  
Keeper: It's his wages.  
Tlanextic: But he's a Salamander! What the hell is he going to do with money?  
Keeper: We have a Casino?  
Tlanextic: But he doesn't have opposable thumbs! I mean. Look at him! How does he grab things?  
Keeper: Uhm. I honestly don't know. But he manages anyway.

The Dungeon Keeper points to the Casino branching off from the treasury, and there really is a Salamander playing Craps. Tlanextic stares dumbly.

Tlanextic: How the.. What the? Buh!?  
Dragonspit: Tlanextic... I learned a long time ago it's best NOT to ask. You'll live longer.  
Tlanextic: But. Sense made equals none!  
Dragonspit: *pats Tlanextic's shoulder* Just let it go. Freedom makes it better.

Tlanextic sighs, and the group moves on. There is groans and screaming to be heard, and someone falls over in a prison and turns into a skeleton. Tlanextic opens his mouth to say something, and Dragonspit shakes his head. They move along past a room with chickens roaming about. And a Troll is staring dumbly at one of them.

Voice: A Troll is unhappy because he has no food.  
Keeper: Shut up already! He's RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT.  
Lord Drake: So who's that guy?  
Keeper: To be honest. I really don't know. He's my adviser, but he's kind of a disembodied voice.  
Advisor: One of your imps can do a good impression of you.. he can even do the ears....  
Keeper: So yeah.

They move along to the center of the dungeon.. With a pulsing sound

Rhuemwight: So what's this thing?  
Keeper: This was what you were hearing earlier. It's a Dungeon Heart.. Don't get too close

Rhuemwight stares over the edge. Lord Drake cackles and shoves the cultist over.

Keeper: What have you done!?  
Lord Drake: Oh relax. You can get him out right? Right?

The Keeper sighs.

Keeper: Well I suppose it could be worse..  
Rhuemnwight: AUUUGH MY SPLEEN.

BOOM!

Keeper: Oh hells.  
Advisor: Your Dungeon Heart is under attack.

The keeper twitches and groans, almost falling over.

Keeper: You fool! I need that!  
Lord Drake: Really? So what if I do this?

Drake grabs an Imp and tosses him in. The Dungeon Heart absorbs it.

Lord Drake: Huh?  
Keeper: They're made of magic. It does nothing.  
Lord Drake: Oh really?

Lord Drake walks away for a minute, and comes back with a bath-tub.

Tlanextic: Where the hell did you get that from?  
Dragonspit: You don't want to know.  
Tlanextic: No. I want to know.  
Dragonspit: Oh trust me. Don't ask.  
Tlanextic: What does he do? Pull it out of his arse?  
Dragonspit: I guess.  
Keeper: I ask that you stop this.

Drake shrugs and shoves the bath-tub into the pit, the Advisor chimes out uselessly again.

Advisor: Your Dungeon Heart is under attack.  
Keeper: I know! Thank you captain obvious. I'll add that to the list of 'Stuff I already know'! Why do I pay you?  
Advisor: Uhm. Sir. You don't pay me at all. And my Union isn't very happy about it.  
Keeper: Screw your union!

The normal hustle and bustle of the dungeon suddenly stops, and everything stares at the Keeper. An Imp scurries up to the Keeper.

Keeper: What? They're all on union pay?  
Vampire: With no dental!  
Keeper: Your a Vampire. You don't need a dental plan! In fact, your all monsters, why the hell do you care? Get back to work.  
Salamander: The other keepers have dental plans.  
Keeper: The other keepers don't pay you in heaps of gold.  
Goblin: heaps? Have you SEEN that treasury? You make a LOT more than what you pay us.  
Keeper: And the costs go into rooms...  
Goblin: No it doesn't. You used that for a fighting pit and made us all fight each other.  
Keeper: Fine. Then go back to the portal.

The doors close, locks appear, sentry traps pop up everywhere.

Keeper: If you can...

The Imps snicker.

Imp: Jokes on you Keeper. We're on union pay too. They're not on your side.  
Keeper: Oh yeah? Horny!

A Demon with a scythe appeared.

Horny: Hmm?  
Keeper: Union workers!  
Horny: Oh I do hate unions..  
Tlanextic: This is a a good time to go..  
Lord Drake: Agreed.

And so they bravely run away from the sound of fighting, explosions, cannon fire, etc. etc. etc. As they head into orbit the entire cavern collapses, and a demon can be seen fighting off hordes of creatures.


	37. Episode 37: Slaanesh Vyce

**Lord Drake Misadventures 37**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

And now for another deliciously demented Misadventures. Sound off. xD

Lord Drake: BLOOD FOR TH-Ooo. Khorne Flakes.  
Tlanextic: *facepalms* Oh no. not again.  
Dragonspit: I'm only really around for looks.  
Vyce: It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...  
Rhuemwight: AUUUGH MY SPLEEN!  
Lord Corrack: Hellooooo Nurse!

* * *

Lord Drake: There's.. Something a bit.. strange about Vyce today.  
Tlanextic: He's an undivided Chaos Dragon that changes Chaos God allegiances at will. So of course he's going to be a bit strange.  
Lord Drake: I mean more than usual. He's all girly and bubbly like a school girl and in his Anthro form.

Tlanextic ponders this, and then stares.

Tlanextic: Oh no.. Oh no.. I think I know what happened.  
Lord Drake: Hm? What?  
Tlanextic: He must have changed patrons again.  
Lord Drake: My god!  
Tlanextic: Where is he?  
Lord Drake: In his lair. Come on!

The two run for it.

As they approach they hear fits of giggles, and various Ooohs and Ahs. They walk in to see Vyce, who is currently on hind legs, his anthro self, and looking quite a bit different.

For one, the dragonfur is completely gone and his black scales are shining a a bit, the visible parts of his belly a streak of white. Presumably the same up his chest and chin, and downwards int he other direction. He wore an interesting outfit, all black and various sections made of fishnet and straps. He had white hair over his scaled head, and his eyes were the usual red.

Of course the most noticeable difference was his chest. or well.. Her chest.

Tlanextic: What's this? He's a she?  
Lord Drake: He wasn't like this a minute ago.

Vyce sees the two of them and giggles, giving them both a wink.

Vyce: I'm a bit of a gendershift... Male? Female? Herm? Depends on my mood dearies.  
Lord Drake: Dearies?  
Tlanextic: I can only assume Slaanesh has caught your eye.  
Vyce: Just a little...

Vyce hmms and looks herself over, giving her tail a flick.

Vyce: Although I can say I like the new look. A lot more mature, don't you think?

Lord Drake hmms and Tlanextic simply palmfaces.

Vyce: Slaanesh seems to be a good choice at the moment. I'm in a female mood. So it's not all that surprising~ *giggle*  
Tlanextic: So you've pretty much turned into a furry?  
???: A furry!?  
???2: He said a furry!  
Lord Drake: Jesus Christ on a Pogo Stick!

Lord Drake jumps as an Eldar ranger in yellow armor melds from the shadows, a Warp Spider appears from nowhere, as does a howling banshee. It's hard to tell on the last one, a Warlock? A Guardian? Confused?

Tlanextic: Who the hell are you guys?  
Warp Spider: Crew! Sound off!  
Ranger: Randy the Ranger here. Only you can prevent forest fires!  
Banshee: Bonnie reporting. I'm sooo happy to be here today~!  
Guardian?: Gary here.. Uhm. I'm still not sure what I am. Am I a guardian a warlock? Or.. just confused.  
Warp Spider: And I'm Joe the Warp Spider. I've caught you in my web. Ha haaah!  
Eldar: Together we're.. The Furry Extermination squad!

Tlanextic palmfaces for the second time in this episode. We need a counter going and set it up at the end.

Lord Drake: Are you.. seriosuly?  
Joe: Well. No. Not really. We're whatever we want to be when it's convenient.  
Vyce: Why hello there Bonnie~  
Bonnie: Mercy! The tempature just went up.  
Randy: Tempature? Going up? THERE"S A FIRE BOYS!  
Joe: Randy... Calm the hell down. There is NO fire here.  
Gary: But how do you know?  
Joe: Gary. Your always confused.  
Gary: Am not!  
Joe: You can't even pick a career path. Nobody really knows what the hell you are.

Bonnie shrieks as her back is twisted and broken. Vyce is smiling mischievously, a bit of a bloodlust formed.

Vyce: Oooh.. That was delicious..

There is a sickening crunch as the Eldar's soulstone is ripped out, and before anybody could even react, it was cracked with soul devoured, and Vyce looking really pleased with herself.

Vyce: I must.. Have more.

The Chaos Dragon cackles, displaying her fangs.

Joe: She got Bonnie! Nooo! Shoot it shoot it!  
Bonnie: Wait! Wait. I'm not dead yet.

Everybody blinks and stares.

Vyce: What? But I devoured your soulstone..  
Bonnie: It's... only a flesh wound. I've had worse.

Vyce growls.

Vyce: Fleshwound this...

With a quick flash, Bonnie burns off into nothing.

Bonnie: I'm feeling better.  
Vyce: How the? What the? I'm confused.  
Tlanextic: I'd say this doesn't make sense. but...  
Lord Drake: Nothing EVER makes sense around here.!

Gary pokes Vyce with a knife. The dragon blinks, notes the wound, and bites her lower lip

Vyce: Oh my.... that was *giggle* Painful!  
Lord Drake: She's gone insane!  
Tlanextic: She's worse than being Tzeentch.  
Vyce: I should return the favor yes?

The Slaaneshi Female smiles wickedly, twisting the wrist of the... whatever the Eldar is, and getting the knife jammed in his thigh.

Gary: No! I have so much to live for! I haven't even picked an aspect!  
Joe: Gary! Nooo...

Vyce smirks, and tilts her head.. grabs the knife and it hums with power. And Gary turns into... A snail!?

Gary: Mrow?  
Joe: Gary. Snails don't meow.  
Gary: Moo?  
Joe: No. No. That's not even close.  
Gary: Oink oink?  
Joe: Gary! Be serious!  
Gary: Mrow.  
Joe: That's not serious.  
Gary: Mrow D:  
Joe: Gary. This is NOT Spongebob Squarepants.  
Gary: Mrow :/

The female shrugs, gives her tail a flick, and knocks over Randy.

Randy: FIRE! FIRE!  
Vyce: Fire? I see no fire mortal. Well.. Unless it's that fire.

She cackles, and Bonnie gets back up without any horrible wounds, holding a soulstone for some weird reason. Randy is on fire, screaming about fire, and Joe sighs and puts it out.

Joe: Oi. That's it. We're gone. Screw you crazy people.

The Eldar vanish into thing air.

Vyce: No! I was just getting started. The fools! THE COWARDS.

She growls and huffs and puffs, but doesn't see a house to blow down. She sighs and sinks down onto her nest in her lair.

Lord Drake: Well that was.. interesting...  
Tlanextic: And a bit scary... The new Vyce is very.. dangerous.  
Vyce: I'm a good girl. I promise.

Vyce smiles innocently, Tlanextic shiver and Lord Drake blinks.

Lord Drake: Wait until Corrack hears of this!

The smile fades.

Vyce: If he tries it I'll snap his neck.

Tlanextic shivers again.

Lord Drake: Right then.  
Tlanextic: Now would be a good time to leave.

Vyce shrugs, and watches the two leave. Vyce dims the lights and turns up some loud techno for whatever reason. Probably 'cause of Slaanesh, and then lays back and relaxes, a smirk on her face.


	38. Episode 38: Riding The Bus

**Lord Drake Misadventures 38**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009  
Based on a true story.

Some random Hive City somewhere on some planet not important enough to be named anyway...

Lord Drake stand on a sidewalk, people giving them strange looks for their Chaos gear and weapons. Nobody really wanting to piss them off, the military possibly pending. And for whatever reason they're standing there.

The bus they're waiting on nearly goes by them.

Lord Drake: Hey! Hey! STOP! I NEED THE BUS!  
Tlanextic: That jerk..

The bus stops, and the door opens. Lord Drake steps onto the bus, giving the driver a glare. The drive looks familiar. In fact...

George: Uhhh... Do you know how many buses stop here?  
Drake: Two! What's it matter? Why didn't you stop.  
George: Well. You see. Back then I didn't think you could answer the secret question.  
Tlanextic: Back then? That was a few minutes ago.  
George: Yeah. back then.  
Lord Drake: The Secret question?  
Tlanextic: The one you just asked us?  
George: Uhm. Yeah. That's the one. most people don't get that.  
Lord Drake: Then why are there so many people on the bus?

George blinks, and looks down the walkway of the bus.

George: Where'd all those people come from? They weren't there before...  
Lord Drake: Your clueless.  
George: Hey. How'd you figure out the answer?  
Tlanextic: It's on the sign jackass.  
George: By the Emperor! They've deceived me! He works against me!

George looks like he's trying to choke at someone in thin air. One of the passengers falls over and dies... Of an unrelated heart attack. Strange. And of course nobody notices. Tlanextic notices and blinks, facepalming.

Facepalm Counter: 1  
Tlanextic: What was that voice?  
Lord Drake: What voice? I don't hear anything.  
Tlanextic: Nothing. Must be the whispers of Tzeentch.  
Lord Drake: Wouldn't he be saying something like Just as Planned?  
Tlanextic: Probably bad reception.  
Lord Drake: I wasn't aware Psykers worked like radio stations. Maybe that's what the staff is for, you hold it a certain way and get better reception. Or those funny 'ears' on your helmet. Maybe if yo-

Tlanextic groans and facepalms.

Tlanextic: Just. Shut. Up.  
Facepalm Counter: 2  
Tlanextic: There it goes again! If Vyce was here he'd agree with me.  
Lord Drake: Don't you mean she?  
Tlanextic: He. She. It. Whatever. That dragon creeps me out as Slaaneshi.

Lord Drake hmms, and pulls out a sock puppet of Tlanextic and one of Slaanesh Vyce.

Lord Drake (As Vyce): Hey baby.  
Lord Drake (As Tlanextic): Oh wow! I like what you've done with your hair!  
Lord Drake (As Vyce): Your hot. Wanna make out?  
Lord Drake (As Tlanextic): Would I ever!

Lord Drake mashes the faces of the two sock puppets together. Tlanextic visibly twitches, looking like he's going to murder someone.

Lord Drake (As Tlanextic): Whoooa. That's amazing! Screw you Tzeentch. i'm going Slaanesh. Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll for life!  
Lord Drake (As Vyce): You should be my gay transvestite confused lover!  
Lord Drake (As Tlanextic): I'd love to. Since I like men and sex. I like lollipops..... And Daemons named Naso. I hang out with Corrack and I think he's the bomb.. I wear dresses and fishn-

Zoom out. The Bus Explodes with Tlanextic's fury, taking out a tank or two and some unsuspecting Imperial Guard.. German.. Imperial Guard...

IG1: Sven! Sven!  
Sven: Oh my god... Hermutt!  
Hermutt: Sven! Nooo! Your getting sourkraut all over the place!  
Sven: I'll be okay. I'll be fine. I'm feeling better.  
Hermutt: But your wounds. They're too great. Your lifeblood of sourkraut It's all over!  
Sven: But Hermutt.. They're.. scratching your paintjob...!  
Hermutt: It's okay Sven! I'll get revenge!

As Hermutt turns to get said revenge, Lord Drake and Tlanextic slam into the both of them, armor blackened.

Lord Drake: Ow.  
Lord Drake (As Vyce): Spicey!  
Lord Drake (As Tlanextic): Faaaaaabulous~  
Tlanextic: I will destroy you.


	39. Episode 39: Corrack Returns

**Lord Drake Misadventures 39**  
By Vyce Dryke, 2009

At the Corporate HQ of the Evil and Diabolical Blizzard Entertainment Inc...

Blizzard CEO: Sooo. Relic is using GFWL. how quaint.  
Bizzard Leader Writer: I dunno Sir. I think we should avoid it.  
Blizzard CEO: What? No. I think we should make our customers wait EVEN LONGER for their next patch. And this system is excellent.  
Blizzard Accountant: But Sir! GFWL is completely free thanks to Relic.  
CEO: DAMN THEM! Damn them to hell! We can't have that. We want to soak up every single dollar of our customer's money. So we can build a SOLID GOLD statue of a Space Marine.  
Blizzard Designer: Relic did it.  
CEO: What? Well. We'll make a real life siege tank!  
Accoutant: Relic did it.  
CEO: Well let's make a community site whe-  
Writer: Relic did it.  
CEO: CURSE THEM! CURSE THEM ALL!

* * *

On the Daemon World Draconis...

Vyce: Now now now. Our Slaaneshi 'friends' are going to drop by and I expect Corrack to be there.  
Lord Drake(playing with sock puppets): So?

Vyce blinks, watching Lord Drake as he plays with the sock puppets.

Vyce: So? SO!? Corrack is coming! He hasn't seen me Slaanesh!  
Lord Drake: But.. Your Slaanesh. Shouldn't you like.. not care and enjoy it?  
Vyce: ... I hadn't thought of that.  
Lord Drake: Maybe if you go male..  
Vyce: No.. I happen to love my female likeness thank you very much.  
Lord Drake: But isn't that less powerful than the whole Quad thing?  
Vyce: Quad.. thing?  
Lord Drake: You know. That Non-Anthro..bo..mor.. Porcupinecone.  
Vyce: What?

Tlanextic walks into the room.

Tlanextic: Just.. don't.. pay attention to him, he's insane.  
Vyce: I knew that.  
Tlanextic: Oh. By the wa-  
Lord Corrack: Helllooooo Nurse!  
Keva: Can I just.. kill him already? It'll make my life SO much easier.  
Vyce: Knowing you hun, I'm surprised you didn't already.  
Keva: Well if Naso wasn't so damn insistent I'd mount the bastards head on the wall of my lair in the Warped Hooker.  
Vyce: Since when did you hang around with Corrack's lot?

Lord Corrack blinks, looking from his conversation with Lord Drake, and then gasps, noticing something for the first time.

Lord Corrack: Vyce! You.. You.. Have breasts!

The Chaos Lord stares, and cautiously pokes Vyce's chest.

Lord Corrack: Are those real?

Vyce twitches, and bats Corrack away with a paw, sending him against the nearest wall. Corrack doesn't seem phased.

Lord Corrack: Ooooh. A feisty one. I like.

The Slaaneshi Lord walks up again.

Lord Corrack: So.. Like.. Sup?  
Vyce: My eyes are up here buddy.

Lord Corrack looks up.

Lord Corrack: Oh. Right.  
Lord Drake: Corrack! SOCK PUPPETS!

Corrack blinks.

Lord Drake (As Tlanextic): Why! Corrack! your such a hot stud! ((Author note: When typing this I typoed 'such' as 'suck' xD))  
Lord Drake (As Lord Corrack): Corrack? You can call me by my stripper name.. Brad Lock!  
Lord Corrack: What? That's a horrible name.  
Lord Drake: Shut up! I'm trying to be funny.  
Lord Drake (As Tlanextic): Well mine is Layne Lane.  
Tlanextic: More like Layne LAME.  
Lord Drake: I'm just triyng to be appreciated! Can't a Chaos Lord try to be funny? D: I hate you guys. I'm going to go cry in a corner.  
Lord Drake (As Lord Corrack): Well let's see you do better!  
Lord Corrack: Brad Goodhare?  
Tlanextic: Mercedes Dreames?  
Vyce: HEY! That's my stripper name D:  
Keva: Dreames? Come now.  
Vyce: Shut up Evan Evans.  
Keva: I never!  
Lord Drake: That's a horrible name.  
Lord Drake (As Lord Drake): Uh-huh!

There's a long pause.

Tlanextic: Drake. Why the hell do you have a sock puppet of yourself?  
Lord Drake: I really don't know.  
Lord Drake (As Lord Drake): He lies!  
Lord Drake: Shut up you!  
Lord Drake (As Lord Drake): You shut up!  
Lord Drake: NO U!  
Lord Drake (As Lord Drake): NO U!

Lord Drake starts beating up 'himself' and Tlanextic palmfaces.

Vyce: And this is why we're in charge of the legion in reality.  
Tlanextic: Indeed.

Lord Drake: no! NO! MYSELF IS WINNING!  
Lord Drake (As Lord Drake): Muwhaha! Bow before my might!

The trio observe and sigh, as the sock puppet Lord Drake appears to be beating the real Lord Drake.

Lord Drake (As Lord Drake): Stop hitting yourself!  
Lord Drake: NEVER!


	40. Episode 40: The Emperor's Tarot

**Lord Drake Misadventures 40**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

Tlanextic: So... Can we do anything with the number 40?  
Corrack: Well if this was Episode 42. I could totally come up with something.  
Drake: Since 4/20 is such a better number.  
Corrack: So. Right. Stoner episode on 4/20?  
Tlanextic: I'll pass.  
Drake: So. I thought it was your job about the whole 4th wall ting.  
Tlanextic: Eh? No. That got transferred to Vyce for some mysterious reason.  
Drake: The same reason we're doing it right now and calling it an episode?  
Tlanextic: Sure.... Why not?  
Drake: I dunno. It's like we're out of ideas. Maybe we should steal from stuff from that Side Story.  
Corrack: Don't got your name on it?  
Tlanextic: Episode 17.  
Drake: You know. Since we're at 40. What if we pick a random topic and see if we did it before.  
Corrack: Breasts!  
Vyce: That would be you touching mine last episode.

They all turn to Vyce.

Corrack: Oh. Hi. Didn't know you were there.  
Vyce: Are we breaking the fourth wall again.  
Drake: No?  
Tlanextic: They started it.  
Corrack: Muffins?  
Vyce: Episode 33. Look guys this is pathetic. We should be like, actually not break the fourth wall. Get in character.

Tlanextic raises an eyebrow

Tlanextic: We're ALWAYS in character. Even right now.  
Corrack: Perversion and all.  
Drake: And sock puppets.  
Vyce: We need something new to make fun of.  
Drake: And that's why I invented.. "The Lexicanum Wheel of Topics!"  
Tlanextic: Did you really?  
Drake: No. Not really. I got Rhuemwight to make it, and now he's the pointer..spinner..thingy..  
Rhuemwight: LET ME DOWN! I DESERVE TO LIVE!  
Drake: Oh shut up cultist boy. It's time to spin the wheel!  
Vyce: It's my series, so I'll have the honors.

Vyce walks over, swaying her tail, she grabs the side of the wheel and gives it a heavy spin.

Rhuemwight: Ow. OW! OWWW! OH GOD! THE AGONY! THE HERESY!  
Vyce: So whatever happened to the website that had all the random URLs?  
Tlanextic: I think we want to avoid the majority about the internet.  
Corrack: Slaaneshi or not, I'd kill someone if we did a Goatse joke.

Everyone, except Rhuemwight obviously, stares a Corrack

Corrack: What?  
Vyce: HELL. NO.

Eventually Rhuemwight stops spinning and Drake just hits 'random' on Lexicanum.

Vyce: Wait...  
Tlanextic: What's the point of the giant wheel if all you really have to do is click a button on your computer?  
Drake: Because hearing Rhuemwight suffer is music to my ears.  
Rhuemwight: Oh god.. I think I'm going to puke,  
Vyce: Can I just spin it again for the hell of it?  
Drake: Be my guest.  
Rhuemwight: Oh.. No.. Not that. no. Stop! OH GOD.  
Drake: Zyklon-Klasse...  
Tlanextic: Huh?  
Drake: I don't know. Lemme try another. Einleitung?

Tlanextic walks over.

Tlanextic: You idiot. That's the German Lexicanum.  
Drake: Okay okay.. lemme try... this... I surrender?  
Tlanextic: That's the French Lexicanum.  
Drake: Har har. So here we are. A Thunderfire cannon!  
Vyce: I could totally model that.  
Tlanextic: It's just a weapon.  
Rhuemwight: A little help here?

Rheumwight is dangling upside-down on the wheel. Vyce spins it.

Rheumwight: No! NOT LIKE THAT! OWWW GODS!  
Drake: Right. So. Thunderfire cannon. These colossal.. blah blah blah... Multiple rounds... Shooting Adeptus Mechanicus...  
Vyce: Meh. What's are next option?  
Drake: Ian Pickstock.  
Corrack: Who?  
Drake: Some guy and something with third edition.  
Vyce: Next?  
Drake: Emperor's Tarot.  
Vyce: Eh?  
Drake: Something about cards and being linked to the Emperor.  
Vyce: Uh-oh. Okay. Let's try this..

Later.. On the streets of Hive City #54,982,323,438,974,983,275,983,015,792,745,648,956,145,134,756,936

Citizen of Hive City #54,982,323,438,974,983,275,983,015,792,745,648,956,145,134,756,936: What are you up to?  
Drake: Uhm. Tarot cards.  
Tlanextic: Why is he doing this?  
Vyce: Shhh. Watch.  
Citizen: Tarot Cards? As an upstanding citizen of Hive City 54,982,323,438,974,983,2-

The Imperial Citizen passes out while trying to say the number. An Inquisitor walks by.

Inquisitor: Sleeping on the job? HERESY! As Inquisitor of Hive City Number #54,982,323,438,974,983,275,983,0-

The Inquisitor falls over, having not paused while saying the number. Lord Drake looks over to Tlanextic, who facepalms.

Drake: You know. This would be a brilliant idea for taking this place over.  
Vyce: Yeah. But we're not here to take over, we're in it for the luls.  
Another Imperial Citizen that looks like the first, but definitely isn't the first as he has a bushier beard and kinda looks like Chewbacca and this totally is the longest entry for a name ever: Aren't you like.. some Chaos dude?  
Drake: Don't be silly. These are Tarot cards.  
AICTLLtFbDItFahhaBBaKLLCaTTitLEFaNE: Tarot? Isn't Tarot heresy?  
Drake: These aren't just ANY Tarot cards. They're the Emperor's Tarot cards!  
Citizen: What's the diffrence?  
Drake: Well.. Uhm... These are liquid-crystal wafers. Linked to the Emperor himself!  
Citizen: Can I see one of those?  
Drake: I don't see why not..

Lord Drake hands over one of the cards.

Citizen: Hmm.. The Squat...

Vyce eyewidens, Tlanextic groans.

Citizen: Squats? What the hell are those?

Eldrad appears, the Eldar eying the card.

Eldrad: Give me the card. Now.  
Citizen #2: Well. You see. The Squats are basically Space Dwar-

The other guy doesn't finish his sentence, suddenly grabbed by a Wraithlord.

Eldrad: Istu-Karandras... Make sure this one is brought back for.. questioning.  
Istu-Karandras: Yes Eldrad. The Mon-Keigh will be... removed...

The Wraithlord seems to stare at Lord Drake for a moment, which is technically impossible to tell since Wraithlords don't really HAVE eyes. Eldrad turns to look.

Eldrad: YOU! How is it you end up at Squat scenes? I swear, your a troublemaker.

Eldrad and the Wraithlord exit stage right, assumedly into the Webway.

Citizen: Oooookay.. Show me another.

Drake nods, and gives him another card.

Citizen: Hm.. it's just a regular card..  
Drake: Hey. It's from the Emperor himself! Doubting him is heresy.

An Inquisitor ominously looms behind the Citizen.

Inquisitor: And we certainly DON'T want that.. Do we?  
Citizen: O-of-of. course not!  
Drake: Right. Anyway. We just need a full hand. That's. uhm.. Warped Renegade  
Citizen: So another?

Drake pulls a card.

Drake: Right. The Emperor.

He pulls another.

Drake: Galaxy

Another

Drake: Galaxy again!?

Another!!!!!

Drake: Assassin.  
Vyce: So a Warped Renegade will Assassinate the Emperor!  
Inquisitor: Why.. That's.. Heresy!  
Citizen: We don't want that! D: Gimme another hand.  
Drake: Space Marine. Daemon. Harlequin. Daemon. Hulk.  
Citizen: A Daemonic Space Marine will show up in Daemonic Space Hulk and kill us all?  
Inquisition: No you idiot. It's clearly a Daemonic Harlequin with her friend that's a Daemonic Space Hulk, and a Space Marine will come and kill the both of them.  
Corrack: It's clearly an epic tale where a Space Marine battles a Daemonic Sock Puppet known as Lord Drake!

There's a long pause...

Drake: What?  
Inquisition: What?  
Vyce: This idea fails.  
Drake: Wait. wait. Let's try this again. Emperor, Galaxy, Assassin, Knight, Assassin.  
Tlanextic: I think somebody is trying to tell us something here.  
Drake: Yeah right. Doing it again. Daemon, Knight, Hulk, Emperor, Hulk.  
Inquisitor: That's it! I'm taking those away form you. They're clearly possessed!  
Drake: wait! Wait! Emperor! Assassin! Knight! Assassin! HIGH PRIEST!

Lord Drake get dragged away by the Inquisition, including his daemonic cards.

Vyce: I really think wants to assassinate the Emperor.  
Tlanextic: Funny how random numbers work like that...  
Corrack: It's a conspiracy.


	41. Episode 41: Slaaneshi Hell

**Lord Drake Misadventures 41**  
By: Vyce Dryke

Daemonette: Hello! Welcome to Slaanesh hell. How can I help you today?  
Imperial Citizen: Uhm. I have no idea why your here..

The Daemonette peers over her counter, looking down at the Citizen.

Daemonette: Pardon?  
Citizen: Well, you see. I'm a zealous worshiper of the Emperor. Surely your mistaken.

The Daemonette shakes her head.

Daemonette: I'm sorry Sir. She Who Thirsts does not make mistakes. What was your name in life?  
Citizen: Uhm... Asler... Asler Kinmos  
Daemonette: Okay Sir. Let me pull up your file...

She looks at her warped computer screen, tilting her head and staring at the display.

Daemonette: Well according to Slaanesh here. You were a pedophile in life.  
Asler: Wait a minute. This is Slaaneshi hell. Shouldn't Slaanesh favor me for doing such things?  
Daemonette: Well you see. The Great Serpent likes irony, and therefore if you didn't worship hir but still made heinous acts against humanity. You ended up here. Or your a Chaos worshiper and didn't realize that once you die in her service or otherwise displease her. You end up here.  
Asler: But I-  
Daemonette: Tut tut! I won't hear it! Follow me please, there are others in line.

Asler blinks as the Daemonette starts to tow him away, looking at different Daemons and mutants down the line, as well as some confused looking orks, each a different color.

Asler: What are those?  
Daemonette: They're Orks of a diffrent color.  
Asler: That joke is lame.  
Daemonette: Your mom is lame.. In Bed.  
Asler: How would yo-  
Daemonette: She's here too.  
Asler: Why?

The Daemonette smiles wickedly.

Daemonette: Incest.  
Asler: But I don't have any siblings... Wait.. Oh My God. No! NOOOOOO!!  
Daemonette: Now if you'd jus-  
Asler: I... I want to die now.  
Daemonette: But Sir. Your already dead...  
Asler: NOOOOOO!!!!!

The Daemonette rolls her eyes, and drags Asler along, waving to a Slaaneshi Daemon Dragoness as she passes. Said dragoness winks and blows the Daemoness a kiss, and the Daemoness merely giggles. They both move on.

Daemonette: So. Ready for a fate worse than death?  
Asler: I'm already dead...  
Daemonette: Hm... You have a point there. But it's still a fate worse than death.

Asler sighs and looks at the sign above the 'cell' door, it reads 'Children's Playroom'. He blinks and stares at the Daemonette.

Daemonette: What?  
Asler: Excuse me. But uhm. If I was a pedophile in life, i don't see how this is a punishment.

The Daemonette giggles and winks, and then opens the door and throws the guy in. As she slowly closes the door, a voice is heard singing 'I love you... you love me... we're a happy family...' and as the door shuts, there is a frightened scream of 'NOOO!!! OH GOD! NO! ANYTHING BUT THIS! OH GOD! OH GOD! O-' and suddenly there was silence. Walking back to the desk, she waves the next person in line.

Ahriman: So. I have no idea why I'm here...

The Daamonette blinks, recognizes Ahriman, and grins widely.

Daemonette: Why Ahriman... We've been expecting you...


	42. Episode 42: Khorne?

**Lord Drake Misadventures 42**

By Vyce Dryke, 2009

Lord Drake wakes up to the piercing and loud sound of...

Voice1: AUUUUGH! MY SPLEEN!  
Voice2: No tears please! It's a waste of good suffering!  
Voice1: NOOO! STOP! THAT DOESN'T GO THERE! MY KIDNEY!  
Voice2:You don't need that!  
Drake: What in the name of Khorne's Skeleton Closet?

Lord Drake grumbles and gets out of his 'cell' of a room.

Drake: I'm sure the first is Rhuemwight. But I don't know the second..  
Rhuemwight: NO! MOM! HEEEELP!  
Voice2: ...  
Rhuemwight: What?  
Voice2: Is your mother even alive?  
Rhuemwight: She should be.  
Voice2: Cultist?  
Rhuemwight: No. She's Catholic.  
Voice2: I feel sorry for you.  
Rhuemwight: Really?  
Voice2: No.  
Rhuemwight: AUGGGH! NO STOP! THAT'S MY LIVER. I THINK I NEED THAT.

Lord Drake keeps walking up the stairs from his section of the Black Draconis fortress, hearing the familiar sound of a Chain Axe and the music of Rhuemwight screaming at the top of his lungs in pain.

Whiner.

Drake finally comes to the top of the stairs, and sees the following scene. Rhuemwight appears to be cut open in a few places, and a Chain Axe is roaring in the hands of a... dragon.

Lord Drake: Vyce!?

The creature turns, fixing Drake with a stare. It looked like Vyce. But there was something missing... Here was a Dragon with red scales, Vyce was a Black Dragon. He was in his Anthro form, wearing what resembled Berserker armor, except in the Black Draconis colors of black with red trim, and was unsurprisingly bedecked with skulls all over the place.

Vyce: I'm a bit busy.  
Drake: Did you do something with your hair?  
Vyce: No...?  
Drake: Uhm. Breast implants?  
Vyce: No. I'm male you idiot.  
Drake: Huh. What then?  
Vyce: Isn't it obvious?  
Drake: Isn't what obvious?

Vyce sighs and pawfaces. Drake still looks confused, looking between the red dragon and the cultist.

Rhuemwight: MY LORD! SAVE ME!  
Drake: No need to shout. I'm right here.  
Rhuemwight: BUT MY LORD!  
Drake: Say please.  
Rhuemwight: Please?

Drake nods, walks up to Vyce, and tries to take the Axe.

Vyce: What are you doing?  
Drake: I'm going to 'save' him.  
Vyce: I'm already doing that. In a slow and painful manner.

Drake yanks on the axe

Drake: Give me the Axe.  
Vyce: No!

The two struggle with it.

Vyce: I was axing him first!  
Drake: He's my cultist!  
Vyce: He's technically mine too!  
Drake: Who put you in charge?  
Vyce: I did!  
Drake: By whose authority?  
Vyce: Yours... Actually. Since you were parading me about before in my cage when you found me while leaving that hellhole of a planet that Tlanextic tricked you into serving Chaos. And I've repaid the favor by tormenting him with your presence every chance I get. And the fact that right now I can switch to my Non-anthro self and devour you in one bite, and drink down your blood. Since everyone knows Space Marines and Chaos Space Marines are like M&Ms. Crunchy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside.

Drake gulps, but still pulls on the axes. The two of them wrestle over it while Rhuemwight tries to free himself. And fails when one of his other organs fall out, this one not really recognizable and his face contorts with thought as he tries to figure out which organ fell out so he can scream it in his usual fashion to let the universe know that something happened to one of his organs and then Khorne can sit there from his Skull Throne, point and laugh, and then keep drinking his blood mead, or whatever it is Khorne drinks and this is likely the longest run-on sentence ever in the series that still makes sense and might be funny in a funny fashion and I could literally go on forever about Khorne, Slaanesh, and the others without as much punctuation as possible but that's off topic and now we're back to here.

Drake: GIMME!  
Vyce: MINE!

The two struggle some more, grips slip, and the axe goes flying into the air, and then embeds itself into the front armor of Tlanextic's helmet.

Tlanextic: By the thirty-seven keys of Tzeentch, what the hell are you morons doing? And why is there an AXE in my helmet?

Both the dragon and the chaos lord pause, and then point at each other.

Vyce and Drake: HE DID IT!

Tlanextic observes Rhuemwight, who is still trying to figure out which organ fell on the ground near where he's fallen.

Rhuemwight: AUUUGH! MY... Bladder? Lung? Heart? Ear? Brain?  
Tlanextic: That's your.. uhm. What the hell IS that?  
Vyce: I have no idea.  
Drake: Errr..  
Rhuemwight: Wait. That's my Squeedlyspooch.

The three blink.

Rhuemwight: AUUUUGH! MY SQUEEDLYSPOOCH!  
Tlanextic: That's not even a human organ.  
Drake: He's a cultist. I don't even think he IS human.


	43. Episode 43: Shiny Terra

**Lord Drake Misadventure Episode 43**  
By: Vyce Dryke

One shiny day in the shiny city of shiny terra. Where shiny things are so shiny they burn your freakin' eyes out.

Emperor: George? George? Where the HELL are you George?  
George: Uhhhhhm... Right here my Lord.  
Emperor: Excellent! Fetch me my bucket.  
George: Your.. Bucket.. Sir?  
Emperor: Yes! Little Slaanesh made a mess all over the floor. AGAIN! I swear shi needs diapers.  
George: Or those prostitutes need to go away.  
Emperor: Wait.. Prostitutes?  
George: Yeah! They come in the palace all the time, probably for Slaanesh.  
Emperor: Uhhh... Yeah. Slaanesh. Totally Slaanesh. I wouldn't be bringing hookers and Prostitutes here and there. Certainly not me..  
George *looking puzzled*: Certainly not Sir.  
Emperor: Now go off and do things.... Phew. That was a close one. He almost caught me!  
George: Uhm. Sir. I'm still here.  
Emperor: FFFFFFFF!!!! ANGRY!!!!

Zoom out, the Emperor starts knocking the palace about, and the camera shakes and wobbles.

Elsewhere....

Drake: So... This is holy terra?  
Tlanextic: Yeah.  
Drake: It's so.. bright!  
Vyce: Supposedly Slaanesh is running some sort of cover operation around these parts.  
Drake: That's ridiculous.  
Tlanextic: About as ridiculous as the Void Dragon being on Mars and nobody noticing.  
Drake: I'm sure there's a good reason for it.

On Mars, the void dragon sneezes near a tech priest.

Techpriest: Bless you.  
Void Dragon: Thank you!  
Techpriest: Wait a minute. Aren't you a C'Tan?  
Void Dragon: Shhh! I'm the Omnnisah!  
Techpriest: By the machine spirits! I must tell everyone  
Void Dragon: No! You will not tell everyone.

The Void Dragon waves his claws as he says this, the Techpriest blinks.

Techpriest: What?  
Void Dragon: Oi. Just don't tell anyone, okay? Or I'll curse you with some sort of machine curse.  
Techpreist: Yes my lord!

Back on Terra.

Tlanextic: Eh. Not my problem.  
Vyce: Out of sight, out of mind?  
Tlanextic: Something like that.  
Drake: So why are we back here again? I have this sudden craving for cookies.  
Vyce: Cookies?  
Tlanextic; Yes. The Emperor likes cookies, and he's allergic to chocolate.  
Drake: Wait! I just got an idea!  
Tlanextic: That can't be good for anyone.  
Vyce: Idea?  
Drake: We get a giant spaceship, fill it up with chocolate, and then dump it all on the Imeprial Palace.  
Vyce: Are you serious? The security is so tight over there that when somebody even sneezes they get executed as a heretic.  
Drake: Must be afraid of the Swine Flu.  
Tlanextic: Hardly.  
Vyce: Are we going anywhere with this?  
Drake: I dunno. Let me check the script.

Lord Drake scrounges around in his pockets, throwing out various objects. A sticky note, a roll of duck tape, a commemorative Nurgle plate, a kitchen sink, a confused looking Lictor with a pimp hat on his head, a toaster..

Drake: hey. I've been looking for that.

He tosses it aside and it knocks out an Imperial Guardsman, simultaneously popping out waffles with a cute 'ding!'. Another guardsman tries to assault it with his Lasgun, but all it does is darken the waffles. Vyce eyes it suspiciously, then walks over as the guardsman is about to eat the waffle.

Vyce: Hey. Leggo my eggo!

The guardsman stares, looking between the toaster and the red dragon. Lord Drake doesn't notice, and the guardsman hugs the toaster close, and suddenly the roaring of a ChainAxe is heard, and before too long Vyce is back near Lord Drake and Tlanextic, toaster in hand and a new skull on his belt. Drake is busy tossing out an old magazine of White Dwarf, the Fourth Edition Warhammer 40,000 Rullebook, a blast template, spare dice, a character sheet, a Battlefleet Gothic version of The Dragon's Haste, and all sorts of other junk. He finally pulls out a dusty looking collection of pages, and stares intently.

Vyce: Where'd you get that?  
Drake: Shh shh shh! I'm rewriting the script.  
Tlaenxtic: I don't see how that's going to affect anything.  
Drake: Please, watch this.

The Chaos Lord scribbles on the script, and suddenly a nearby Baneblade turns into a camel, with it's confused IG drivers sitting around on top of that.

Vyce: Your not even supposed to have that!  
Drake: Look! Shiny Skull!  
Vyce: Oh my god! Where!?  
Drake: Over there!

The Chaos Dragon goes bright-eyed, and then bounds off. Tlanextic stares.

Tlanextic: Huh? What?  
Drake: A combination of a dragon's love for shiny things added in with a Khornate corruption.  
Tlanextic: Riiiight. That was random.  
Drake: This entire episode is random. Where was I going with this?  
Tlanextic: Rewriting the script?  
Drake: I dunno.

Drake tosses aside the script, and it lands on the pile of other junk. Vyce comes back, grumbling about a lack of shiny objects.

Vyce: Eh. Let's just blow this Popsicle stand.


	44. Episode 44: The Warped Hooker

**Lord Drake Misadventures 44**  
By: Vyce Dryke

The view is out in space, The Warped Hooker and The Dragon's Haste are currently right next to each other, transports and supplies going back and forth. The Command Retinue of Black Draconis waits in one of the transports as it transitions between the two mighty flagships. They finally arrive and dock, landing carefully and Lord Drake, Tlanextic, Vyce, Rhuemwight, and Dragonspit file out and spread out across the deck. Lord Corrack walks across the hanger, being trailed by a few scantily clad female cultists. Corrack is busy reading PlayEldar Magazine. Lord Drake perks an eyebrow. Corrack notices the group and tosses the magazine aside, where a few idling cultists pounce it and an orgy starts. Tlanextic groans and looks away, sighing some.

Corrack: Drake! Welcome to my ship.  
Drake: Why is there an orgy in your hanger?  
Corrack: What?

Lord Corrack looks over at the pile of cultists, stares blankly and looks back.

Corrack: Oh. That sorta happens around here a lot. It's nothing.

Corrack shrugs, as does Drake, and he looks over to Vyce.

Corrack: Did you do something with your hair?  
Vyce: Are you Chaos Lords all insane idiots?  
Drake: I asked the same question!  
Corrack: Did you dye your hair? Maybe your using contacts now? You look so different but I can't place what.  
Vyce: Look. My scales are red, and I have Khornate Black Draconis armor. Are you that freakin' dense?  
Dragonspit: To be honest, I think all the blood in his brain is elsewhere.  
Vyce: That would explain a lot.  
Corrack: Wait.. Khorne?  
Vyce: Khorne.  
Corrack: KHORNE!?  
Vyce: Yeah. Khorne.  
Corrack: KHOOOOOOOOORNE!?  
Rhuemwight: Uh-oh.  
Dragonspit: Not this again.  
Vyce: Huh?  
Dragonspit: Well before you accidentally got out of your cage dragon, we were around Corrack and pals for ages. The first time Lord Drake and Lord Corrack met, Corrack was at odds because Khorne is Slaanesh's sworn enemy. And we eventually had to beat the tar out of him enough to get the idea out of his head.

Vyce stares and shakes his head.

Corrack: I CHALLENGE YOU TO MORTAL COMBAT!  
Vyce: Isn't it technically not mortal since I'm a Daemon and technically you can't kill me because Khorne will bring me back to slay some more?  
Tlanextic: You know, there was always something I'm curios about when it comes to you Chaos Dragons... How is it you carry so much favor with the dark gods?  
Corrack: Character development? On MY ship? I don't think so.  
Vyce: Well let's say that dragons in this day and age are a bit of a rarity. Of course, that makes no sense to me either. But okay.  
Dragonspit: So does that mean there was a time when you weren't on our side?  
Vyce: Ah yes. Of course there was a time I was corrupted myself, but I don't think this is the time or place for it. It's kinda like explaining why Rhuemwight is so important.  
Drake: I think it's because everyone likes him screaming and in pain.  
Vyce: That situation oddly sounds familiar.  
Corrack: Mortal Combat?  
Vyce: Duel?  
Corrack: Name your arena!  
Vyce: You first.  
Corrack: Uhm. Uhm. BEHOLD! Colonel Vile! Who has a complete lack of limbs and never seen without Snuggles, his pet viper!

Corrack tosses a card to the ground, everyone steps back except Vyce and Corrack, and the 'creature' appears, true to form.

Vyce: Oh. I'm SO scared.  
Corrack: Your supposed to like.. draw a card...

Vyce arches an eyeridge

Vyce: Pardon?  
Corrack: It's a big new thing...  
Vyce: But.. I don't have any cards.

Corrack rolls his eyes and tosses over a deck of cards.

Vyce: Right.. So. Uhm.. Emperor Clean has club foot. He is never seen without Mr. Chufflebell, his pet duck.

Vyce stares as the thing appears after he tosses the card, and it comes up as a guy who is bald, looks like Mr Clean, but is wearing a Napoleon outfit, and has a duck on his shoulder.

Corrack: Oh no! Emperor Clean can beat Colonel Viper! And his snake is hopeless against a duck! I need to draw another card!

Lord Corrack does so, and tosses it down. A minion with the number 161 floating over his head, equipped with full plate and a greataxe and is wearing a monocle.

Corrack: Ah-hah! I have beaten you!  
Vyce: Oh yeah?

Vyce stares at the next card he pulls before tossing it.

A creature appears, some sort of Chimera with the body of a rhinoceros, the legs of an eagle, the tail of a chimpanzee and the head of a pig.

Vyce: What the.. That's the lamest Chimera I've ever seen.  
Corrack: I have a mutant card! He will destroy yoooooou.

The uhm. Mutant appears with the head of a narwhal and the hand of a wolf. He is also distinguished by his amoeboid form. Vyce blinks as the Chimera-thingy gets destroyed.

Vyce: Oh yeah? I just drew the Kazoo of affinity for J-pop (1/millennium). ... One use per millenium!?  
Corrack: I shall surely destroy you!

Corrack goes to draw another card, a chainaxe suddenly roars to life and is thrown, slicing through the card and embedding itself in Corrack's power armor.

Corrack: What the hell Vyce! Cheating!  
Vyce: This is just ridiculously stupid.  
Corrack: ! You destroyed my Spatula of hungry arse +5! How could you!

Corrack draws another card, despite roaring chainaxe in armor. Vyce throws another ChainAxe, and this time it embeds in Corrack's helmet.

Corrack: The Cardboard box of vegetarianism (1/millennium)!

Corrack tosses another card,a weird guy appears.

Guy: So you're looking for purveyor of erotic woodcuts? Look for old Thingy. You know, What's-his-Face. The bloke with the magenta hair and the perpetual state of drug-induced confusion. Be careful, though. He charges a 103.6% mark-up on all goods and service

Vyce eyerolls and tosses another Axe. It somehow hits Rhuemwitght

Rhuemwight: AUUUUGH! MY ESOPHAGI!

Tlanextic blinks.

Tlanextic: He has more than one?  
Vyce: Enough of this!!

Vyce growls, runs through all the images and illusions, and pulls out more axes. Then he starts beating on Corrack with both Axes, the chains screaming against Corrack's armor.

Corrack: Oh my! stop that! That tickles! Is that a ChainAxe in your pocket or are you happy to see me?  
Tlanextic: Where the hell is he getting more of those things?  
Dragonspit: He's Khornate. It's either Axes or giant swords.  
Drake: Long hard things? When he was recently Slaaneshi? I'm surprised he hasn't gone with that.

They converse while Vyce seems to be in berserk mode, eyes completely red as he beats into the Slaaneshi Chaos Lord. Corrack is groaning, laughing, and, disturbingly enough, moaning. None of it pain, but the axes are screaming plenty in protest.

Dragonspit: I'm surprised he went Khorne at all. I see the bloodthirstiness, yes, but not swapping from erotic Dragon-Babe to Bloodthirsty Killer.  
Drake: Maybe it's a lesson that the Erotic Babes are really just serial killers in disguise.  
Tlanextic: Or maybe that Chaos Dragons don't have a choice in their Chaos Patron?  
Dragonspit: I thought he chose at will?  
Corrack: That's what she said!  
Vyce: Shut up you!  
Dragonspit: Well he's undivided. Do we have undivided Daemons to go off of?  
Tlanextic: Well, there are Furies.. But that's about it...  
Drake: Those weird flying bat things that the Night Lords have hang about?  
Tlanextic: Something like that.

There is a loud crack sound and something sounding like a loud moan. And those assembled turn towards the soure of the noise, which appeared to be Vyce breaking Corrack's arm. Corrack doesn't seem bothered, but highly amused, and Vyce has a horrified expression on his face.

Vyce: But... Arms.. Broken!  
Corrack: 'Tis only a flesh wound  
Vyce: It's always a flesh wound! Unless it misses the flesh and only hits the freakin' bone!  
Corrack: I'll be fine. I'll walk it off in no time.

An Eldar looking exactly like Arafalas, and still female walks up to Vyce and Corrack.

Arafalas: Did you do somehting with your hair? Contacts?  
Vyce: What's wrong with your people!? Why are you ALWAYS asking that?  
Corrack: I asked the same thing!  
Drake: Me too!  
Vyce: Ugh. I despise you people.  
Tlanextic: Welcome to my world.  
Vyce: I want out.

Arafalas helps Corrack up, who doesn't seem bothered despite a broken arm with the bone showing.

Corrack: I'm fine.  
Drake: So. Right... About that alliance against Nurgle?

The group heads out, Rheumwight getting back up, wounds reforming and healing, and everything seems to return to 'normal' with Vyce glaring at Corrack and Corrack walking around with chainaxes in his armor and the broken limb and acting like he doesn't notice despite stares from his cultists.


	45. Episode 45: Warriors of Ultrabork

**Lord Drake Misadventures 45**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

Tarsis Ultra.  
Out in farm country.  
Two guys, driving a tractor.

Bubba: Hey Billy Bob.  
Billy: Yeah Bubba?  
Bubba: I was thinking about our sister again.  
Billy: You mean the one you were boning last night?  
Bubba: Shush you. You don't know about tha-

Suddenly the tractor crashes into something. The two look at each other and jump out.

Bubba: Well look billy, we hit some guy's poor dawg.  
Billy: Bubba, that ain't no dawg. That's a Zerg.

The two look at a poor Lictor, who apparently got run over by the tractor.

Bubba: No you idiot. It's one of them things them Ultramarines were telling us about. That ain't no Zerg, that's a Tyranid.  
Billy: Looks like a bug to me.  
Lictor: Bug!?  
???: Haha! He called you a bug!  
Bubba: What in tarnation?

A Hive Tyrant walks into view, and he's laughing at the Lictor.

Lictor: BUG!  
Sawblade: Hell hath no fury like a Lictor scorned.  
Billy: But I thought it went like a woman.

Sawblade pauses, lifting his venom cannon some.

Sawblade: Shut up. I'm in charge now. I make the rules. Bork bork bork!  
Lictor: Bork?  
Sawblade: I picked up some sort of vocal illness. Taking pills for it, if I don't I talk strangely an-Bork bork bork!  
Lictor: Huh?  
Sawblade: Qooeeck! Fetch me-a my peells! Bork Bork Bork!  
Lictor: Peellls?  
Sawblade: Peells!  
Lictor: I'm sorry. I can't understand you.  
Sawblade: I'll teer yuoo epert! GET ZEEM! Bork Bork Bork!

The lictor keeps laughing, but starts running away as Sawblade chases after them. The Benny Hill Theme plays as they chase each other around the farms.

Billy: Well what in the world just happened there?  
Bubba: I don't know Billy, but that song is cathchy.  
Billy: Where's it coming from?  
Bubba: Hell if I know. I suspect that the Emperor is watching over us and playing music when appropriate.

Elsewhere.

Tzeentch: Little do they know it's part of my master plan to create a Misadventure Soundtrack!  
Vyce: A what? No. Your insane.  
Tzeentch: Just as planned!

Meanwhile...

Scout: Captain Uriel Ventris!  
Ventris: Yes?  
Scout: We have reports of Tyranids on Tarsis Ultra.  
Pasanius: Oh no. Not this again. I don't want to be kicked out of the chapter a second time.  
Ventris: Wouldn't that be the third time? We saved a planet from Dark Eldar in some vauge way that has nothign to do with the Codex, and they kicked us out for that.  
Scout: I hear Calgar has kicked out Ultramarines for various reasons. And that's how we founded new chapters.  
Ventris: Might I remind you that's chapter secret?  
Scout: So it IS true. A Sergeant was talking about how that's the Silver Skulls were created.

Marnues Calgar walks into the room, and all is silent.

Calgar: So! Tarsis Ultra is under attack by the fiendish Zerg Bug Tyranid things.  
Ventris: Uhm. Sir. They're Tyranids.  
Calgar: Tyranids. Bugs. Zerg. They're all filthy Xenos to me!

For some inexplicable reason, the Lictor and Sawblade run by.

Sawblade: A boog? A BOoG!? Yuoo dere-a cell ME a boog!? Bork Bork Bork!  
Lictor: Your pills are more important Sir?  
Sawblade: PEELLS!

They run past.

Calgar: Okay. So anyway, I don't think I like you, so I'm sending you with one squad, and you need to get help from another chapter.  
Ventris: Let me guess. The Mortifactors again?  
Calgar: Don't be silly, you know how we pick allied chapters around here! It's the great wheel of the Imperium! SPIN!

The scout grumbles and spins a massive wheel that came from nowhere. Which spins and turns normally and eventually lands on.. Catachans!

Calgar: What? Spin again!  
Pasanius: I'm surprised the Mortifactors are loyalists. They have an obsession with blood and spirits.  
Ventris: To be honest, I'm surprised a lot of Chapters are loyalist.  
Pasanius: Like the Flesh Tearers?  
Ventris: Well they are founded from the Blood Angels.  
Pasanius: Infamous for their savageness and thirst for blood in battle  
Ventris: They're bordering Khornate, if they aren't already.  
Pasanius: To confuse the enemy?  
Calgar: Right. So your allies are... The Legion of the Damned!  
Pasanius: That's even worse.  
Calgar: TOO LATE!

Later.. On Tarsis Ultra.

Sawblade: FINALLY! I am free... for the moment. Now we can go and devour Tarsis Ultra.. FOR GOOD!  
Lictor: Uhm. Sawblade Sir. Space Marines.  
Sergeant Centurius: Not so fast! We're here to stop your nefariously nefarious schemes  
Ventris: That sentence is a bit.. redundant.  
Centurius: Silence! We're the Legion of the Damned. See the flames on my armor? FLAMES! We go faster.  
Ventris: Whatever. Let's just get 'em.  
Sawblade: En Guard! Bork. *twitch*

So, a story unfolds that is too epic in scope for Misadventures. Tyranid fights Space Marine. The Ultramarines and the Legion of the Damned learn to get along, and sport some awesome flames and armor, but in the end, they defeated the Tyranids. And Sawblade fled to Segmentum Obscurous to have tea with Eldrad and Naso, and Dawg Snaik and Azog came along too.

Eldrad: So, did you hear that story where I mopped the floor with Fulgrim all over his own Daemon world?  
Sawblade: Yes. Yes. Do tell. Bork.  
Lictor: I want some tea!  
Sawblade: No tea for you, not giving me my medication.


	46. Episode 46: Black Crusade 16

**Lord Drake Misadventures 46**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

In a region of warp space, unknown to anyone else except for the Chaos Gods, a gathering had begun. Vyce, the red Khornate Chaos Dragon is waiting, impatiently. A White and teal chaos dragon comes out from the darkness. This was Keva, recent follower of Slaanesh, who comes in under hir Anthro Form.

Vyce: You're late.  
Keva: You have no room to tell me such things.  
Vyce: Or what, your going to beat me Sir?  
Keva: The thought crossed my mind.

Keva smirks and Vyce eeps a bit. Another Chaos Dragon, also Anthro, melds from the shadows. This one was completely black.

Vyce: Ah, I didn't expect you to go Tzeentch.  
Zack: Someone had to, and all these spells are so fun to simply toss around.  
Vyce: Okay, so we still need a Nurgle.  
Keva: Do we even have a Nurgle Chaos Dragon?  
Zack: Hell if I know, maybe a zombie dragon?  
Vyce: I think we need to make up a name.  
Keva: I don't think we even introduced a fourth chaos dragon.  
Zack: Well maybe we can steal a loyalist dragon and make him Nurgle  
Keva: Don't be silly, Loyalist Dragons don't exist.  
Vyce: Uhm. They very well do exist.  
Zack + Keva: What!?  
Vyce: Two of them, former Space Marines, now renegade. They were tricked in one form or another by Chaos and now they're dragons.  
Keva: Interesting...  
Zack: What are their names?  
Vyce: One is Celethorn... The other... Tritus.  
Keva: Chapters?  
Vyce: The Shining Claws and The Knights of Custos Morum.  
Zack: Interesting indeed.  
Vyce: Also, rumor has it the Black Dragons somehow got one for themselves.  
Keva: Took them long enough eh?  
Zack: I know right?  
Vyce: So here's the deal. Conveniently enough the three chapters are currently in the Cadian sector. My Black Draconis forces are on standby for a slaughter against the Black Dragons. Hopefully to eliminate them once and for all. Personally I'd like to go after the Knights, since they're descended from the Imperial Fists, the same Chapter that produced the Imperial Templar, one of our sworn rivals.

Keva and Zack nod.

Vyce: There are other chapters to be expected, this is Cadia after all. We can take advantage of the current Chaos Forces on Cadia, take over, and then lure out the three chapters into a fight. Keva, I know you have Corrack's chapter on your side... Uhm... What is it?  
Keva: Uhm. The uhm... Angels of Ecstasy...  
Zack: Somehow not surprised.  
Vyce: Zack, do you even have a legion your attached to?  
Zack: The Tzeentch legion Disciples of Steel.  
Vyce: That name is more awesome than my legion name.  
Keva: Well my legion can rape your legion.  
Vyce: You 'rape' me on a regular basis.  
Keva: Can't rape the willing.  
Vyce: Touche. Right, let's move out. I'll return to The Dragon's Haste, and lead Lord Drake to believe he's really in charge of this Black Crusade.  
Keva: I'll be luring Corrack and his legion on The Warped Hooker.  
Vyce: Zack?  
Zack: My legion is ready, and I'll be arriving with my fleet led by The Viper.  
Vyce: Right. Know your targets?  
Zack: The Disciples of Steel will engage The Shining Claws.  
Keva: We'll be after The Knights of Custos Morum.  
Vyce: And I'm after the Black Dragons. If either of you two catch wind of any of the dragon's in the area, alert us immediately and we'll be on location. Any questions?

The other two dragons shake their heads. Vyce nods.

Vyce: Right, we'll meet at the Eye of Terror. Our first destination is Cadia.

The three disappear into the shadows, returning to their respective vessels.

On The Dragon's Haste...

Drake: Cadia? Black Crusade? Haven't we been there before?  
Tzeentch: Trying to steal Abbadon's sword.  
Drake: It's the sign of the Black Crusades!  
Tzeentch: Riiight.  
Vyce: So, anyway. I have two other legions who will back us up, not so sure about the others, but I could care less if they show up or not.  
Drake: Right, so when we take everything I'll take all the credit.

The Chaos Dragon shrugs.

Vyce: Fine by me. I still call the shots, blood will flow and all that.  
Drake + Vyce: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!

Tlanextic sighs

Tlanextic: Ugh. Khorne types. Ever so tiring.

On The Warped Hooker.

Keva: So, yeah. Bloodshed, our own planet, beating up the Imperium.  
Corrack: Yeah yeah yeah. Any babes there?  
Keva: Is that all you care about?  
Arafalas: You've been on this ship how long and your still surprised by his behavior?  
Keva: To be honest, I thought better.  
Corrack: Of course not. I'm Slaanesh. And I'm a Slaaneshi who is all about sex, drugs, and rock and roll!

Corrack does an Air Guitar Solo.

Arafalas: You should see the observation deck. Loud music, smoke everywhere. And an orgy here and there.  
Keva: I'm tempted to switch Chaos allegiances.  
Corrack: Come now. So, are we going to a party or what?  
Keva: It's a Black Crusade. How is that a party?  
Corrack: A Crusade sounds like a party to me. Crusade all over the place. yeah baby!

Keva sighs and pawfaces.

On The Viper...

Zack paces at the bridge, talons clicking on the floor. Or what could be called a floor, it was constantly shifting and moving right underneath the covering for the floor, changing lights, and various Daemons tied to consoles were changing forms. The consoles shifting functions at will, frustrating some of the cultists who had to move back and forth on their duties, although technically there wasn't a point to it because it was all controlled by the Daemons, kept in check by the Daemon Dragon himself. The dark cloak he was wearing was dragging along the floor as well, and he stared intently at the moving viewscreen.

Zack: Status report!

A sorcerer answers, bearing a few 'gifts' from Tzeentch, resembling more bird than human.

Azgoril: Everything is according to plan my Lord.  
Zack: Excellent, And the other vessels?  
Cael: They appear to be on course my Lord, we're ahead of schedule and our fleet will arrive shortly.

The Black Chaos Dragon nods to his Legion Champion. And The Viper moves out.

The three vessels, and their attending fleets move out. Several other chaos legions tail along to steal glory. It's a only a matter of time befo-

Abbadon: LORD DRAKE!

Lord Drake is startled out of his command chair on the bridge, and now he's on the floor. Cultists burst into laughter, but pipe down when Lord Drake gets up, chain-axe howling.

Drake: I thought I told you morons to turn OFF the auto-answer. Can't do anything right. Have to do it myself.

Drake fiddles with his console.

Abbadon: LORD DRAKE!  
Drake: I'm right here. No need to shout. What the hell do you want?  
Abbadon: How DARE you call a Black Crusade and then NOT invite me! I am the embodiement of the Crusade! It cannot happen without me! The gods decree it!  
Drake: Is that so? Last I checked they're too busy with each other to care.  
Corrack: Bow chicka wow wow...

Lord Drake and Abbadon blink, looking at Corrack.

Drake: How the HELL did you get here?  
Corrack: I dunno. It seemed appropriate.

Corrack vanishes. Drake shakes his head and looks to Abbadon

Drake: Right. Well I'm in charge this time. No arguments!  
Abbadon: Arguments! I'll come on that ship right now and tear you limb from limb.  
Drake: Blah blah blah... Kssssh... I'm sorry. We're breaking up.. Ksssssh.  
Abbadon: I can SEE you making those sounds!

Lord Drake stops and blinks.

Drake: No you can't!  
Abbadon: Yes I can!  
Drake: Your breaking up.. Ksssh... Can't.. Ksssh.. hear.. Kssssssssshh...

Lord Drake hand signals to cut the link. The cultists stand there stupidly because the button to turn off the signal is on the command chair. All the while Lord Drake continues doing the static, making various gestures, until Lord Drake goes blue in the face and passes out. Rhuemwight, who was near the command chair suddenly jumps onto it.

Rhuemwight: Finally! I have the power. It's all mine! Finally! The Dark Crusade! Mine to command! I will rule all. ALL!

A claymore swings, Rhuemwight loses his head and falls over, suddenly exploding into blood mist. The one holding the claymore, the Chaos Dragon Vyce himself, shakes his head and cuts the channel.

Later...

The fleet finally gathers, arriving at their destination above Cadia. Weaponsfire lights up the atmosphere as The Dragon's Haste, The Warped Hooker, and The Viper engage the imperial fleets. Fighters covering bombers, ordinance, and torpedoes fly everywhere. It was a beautiful sight. Emperor's Children frigates exploding here and there, Imperial vessels going up in being boarded, over there a Battlecruiser supernovas in an explosion, taking out any nearby smaller vessels.

The three lead vessels, Massive battleships and the pride of their respective legion's fleet, knife through the battle lines, quickly making their way over to Low Orbit Cadia.

Above Cadia, it starts raining drop pods, falling down on Imperials and Chaos alike, and Beserkers, Noise Marines, Plague Marines, and all sorts of Daemonic horrors spill out. More importantly, three legions command crew make it out, and start hunting for their targets.

On The Serpent...

Scout: My Lord! Black Draconis vessels spotted, they are landing on Cadia now sir!  
Ezra: Excellent! Let's prepare our secret weapon, and crush our Tainted Brothers once and for all!  
???: Yesss.. I'd much like to meet my Chaotic Counterpart....

Later, back on Cadia.

The three legions move out for their targets, immediatly reaching them and engaging.

Ezra: Lord Drake! We meet again!  
Drake: Indeed you loyalist fool...  
Ezra: We have a secret weapon!  
Vyce: Yeah yeah we know already.  
Ezra: What what what?  
Vyce: In fact we're here to destroy it.  
Ezra: Well behold!  
???: Well about time..

Out steps a young, and obviously female dragon. With black scales and a tail sporting bony blades, she steps out, and gets a full view of Vyce.

???: Vyce!?

Vyce blinks, staring, thinking...

Vyce: Icil!? What are.. What.. how.. did..  
Drake: Their weapon is a female dragon.  
Tlanextic: Curios...

Keva dives down form the sky, barreling into several Space Marines and causing them to fly everywhere. Lord Corrack hops off immediatly.

Corrack: Dragon! Female!  
Vyce: We didn't call you yet...  
Keva: He's got something like a gay-dar. Except it works for females. Works just about anywhere.  
Corrack: Hello there. My name is...  
Icil: Yeah. I know you.

Icil shoves Corrack over, batting him with her tai. Her gaze levels back to Vyce.

Icil: You've changed to much.  
Vyce: I'm sorry. I sorta.. Vanished.  
Icil: Sorta? Last I heard you were going on about Chaos and all that and the next thing I know your gone! I've been worried about you Mister!  
Vyce: Oh come on. You know me. I'll be fine.  
Drake: you know each other?  
Icil: Of course! We're like.. BFFs! Except he sorta vanished.  
Vyce: I sorta joined Chaos and got whisked off before I could do anything.  
Tlanextic: Wait. Your not a Daemon?  
Vyce: Technically, by way of Daemonic power flowing through me. Yes. I am a Daemon.  
Icil: Hanging out with the wrong crowd I see Big Brother.  
Drake: Big brother?  
Vyce: We're not blood related, just close friends.  
Tlanextic: So let me get this straight. There are non-chaos dragons that weren't crated by the Gods?  
Vyce: Of course. I wasn't always like this.  
Keva: Neither was I actually  
Zack: Since I'm from somewhere else, it technically doesn't count.  
Icil: So. Who're these guys?  
Vyce: Chaos Friends.  
Ezra: Kill them!

Icil huffs and knocks Ezra over with her tail.

Icil: Can't you see I'm busy connecting? I'm not killing my BFF here!  
Vyce: So are you coming alon-

All of a sudden, two very different dragons in Space Marine armor enter the scene.

Zack: It appears they had the same plan.  
Celethorn: Show up when the enemy is sighted.  
Tritus: And then remove as soon as possible.  
Icil: Wait! Wait! Change of plans.

Both former Space Marines blink.

Celethorn: What?  
Tritus: You must be joking.  
Icil: No joke. I think I'm going to be over here..

She winks to Ezra, and then calmly walks over to the Chaos lines, stopping behind Vyce and turning around to face the loyalists.

Celethorn: Well by all means, Let me introduce you to my sword.  
Vyce: En Garde?

The two sides clash, and the battlefield devolves into a swirling melee as Space Marine and Chaos Space Marine do battle. Spells fly everywhere. Sword connect with swords. Bolters find their marks. Daemons rend and tear. It was wonderful. Epic even. Dragon again dragon. Marine against Marine. Lord Drake retrieving his toaster and beating someone with it.

Who wins? Time, or maybe a Side Story, will tell ;)


	47. Episode 47: Post Casia

**Lord Drake Misadventues 47**  
By: Vyce Dryke

Lord Inquisitor Farewyth

Good evening gentlemen, today I speak to you regarding the Chaos Legion Black Draconis, they recently staged a Black Crusade on Cadia, and began transfer of control from the Imperium to Traitor hands, and are setting up fortresses. To better combat this threat, I am providing all known information about the Black Draconis Chaos Legion.

Name: Black Draconis  
Founder/Leader: Lord Drake  
Homeworld: Daemon World Draconis  
Chaos Dedication: Khorne? Undivided?  
Colours: Black with Red Trim  
Speciality: Unknown  
Battle Cry: Death wakes, War calls!  
Current Strength: Unknown

History

The Black Draconis Chaos Space Marine Legion were not always traitors, nor did they come from nowhere. From reports of a Captain Ezra of the Black Dragons, a chapter whose Gene-Seed is dangerously mutating, Lord Drake used to be a Brother-Captain.

According to Ezra's report, The Cleaved were invading an Imperial World with the help of a Tzeentchi Sorcerer known as Tlanextic. This is strange given that The Cleaved is Khornate, so the Sorcerer may have been operating independently, which makes up wonder if he has his own force or if he just wanders. Field reports state that Tlanextic drew Drake into believing that our Holy Inquisitorial forces were the cause of their chapter being dwindled down to nothing.

Whether this is true or not it doesn't matter. What matters now that then Captain Drake turned into Lord Drake, dedicated to Khorne, and took quite a few members of the Black Dragons with them, and trimmed their armor red in honor of Khorne after fleeing off-planet. Black Dragon and Black Draconis fought, but the Black Dragons were defeated, and Drake fled.

Since then, we have gotten reports of him and the Leader of the Angels of Ecstasy have been rampaging across the galaxy. The following is a study of the Black Draconis, and it's command structure

Subject: Lord Drake  
Affiliation: Black Draconis  
Rank: Chaos Lord and Supreme Commander of Black Draconis  
Threat Level: Delta

Lord Drake, the Chaos Lord and Commander of the Black Draconis Chaos Legion. He was one of the original Black Dragons, and unlike his former brother Ezra, Drake was fed up with the status quo and serving under an emperor whose servants seemed intent on winnowing down the chapter's numbers.

As noted above Lord Drake is chiefly responsible for the Black Dragons splitting even further, to join Khorne and become the Black Draconis Chaos Space Marine Legion, adding a red trim to their black armor in honor of the Blood God Khorne.

Rumor has it that Lord Drake has allied with Lord Corrack and his Angels of Ecstasy, more on him later, and the two of them have been traveling around. Rumor also has it that he doesn't hold all of the power of the legion, and that he is tied to Tlanextic. Any attempts to assassinate Lord Drake have been interrupted either by the Sorcerer-Lord or ended in bloody screams and Chain Axe Roars.

Last seen on Cadia during the 15th Black Crusade.

Field Footage:

Drake: Right. So look over there.  
Tlanextic: Hm?  
Drake: Now look over here!  
Tlanextic: Eh?

Lord Drake pokes Tlanextic's nose, he shrieks.

Tlanextic: Don't touch me! I'll.. Uhm... Err..  
Corrack: Right, so.. tickle torture?  
Tlanextic: Pardon?  
Corrack: We're going to use duct tape to put you in Bondage and toss you to my cultists.  
Tlanextic: No. NO! I will not let you!  
Corrack: hey! Who is that guy over there?  
Drake: What guy?  
Corrack: That spy! And his camera! He's got a perty mouth.

Video ended, sounds of screaming and chain axes, and then more screams and obsecne sounds coming from Corrack.

Corrack: Yeah baby... Daddy likes.

-End Transmission-

Clearly a disturbing threat to us all.

Subject: Tlanextic  
Affiliation: Black Draconis  
Rank: Sorcerer-Lord and Adviser to Lord Drake  
Threat Level: Omega

This is Tlanextic, as field reports indicate, he is now the adviser of Lord Drake. He was first sighted with the Cleaved, and may have been intent on turning Lord Drake and then using the combined might of Black Draconis and The CLeaved, take over the sector.

This never happened, in a blood frenzy the former Black Dragons engaged and destroyed the Cleaved. The Sorcerer managed to escape. Rumor has it Tzeentch has bound him to Lord Drake for his failures.

Field Footage:

Stolen from the continuing Journal of Sorcerer-Lord Tlanextic of the Black Draconis Chaos Legion...

Stardate M4..Oh forget it, the date doesn't matter anymore. I'm aboard The Dragon's Haste, stuck in another long day of putting up with the moron known as Lord Drake. If it weren't for Tzeentch binding me to him I'd have his head removed by now I and I'd be the head of the Legion. Well before that dragon showed up.

I have no idea where Lord Drake found him, and I'm glad he doesn't remember be caging him in the first place way back when. I didn't expect him to survive, and I little expected him to show up again and fond by Lord Drake. In fact, he kept it secret from me until Recruitment day, when it was always too late to do anything with it.

The dragon is okay, a better part of the command structure of the legion. As I'm not sure what I'd do without him and Lord Drake doing whatever he wants. I imagine that if Drake was 'removed' the Dragon would take Drake's place himself and Icil will be in charge.

Speaking of Icil....

Icil: Tlanextic, may I have a word with you please?

Curse these interruptions. Maybe if I just ignore he-

Icil: I see you writing Sorceror.

Dammit!

Tlanextic: What do you want?  
Icil: Is your refrigerator running?  
Tlanextic: No?  
Icil: Well you better go catch it!

Icil giggles and runs off.

I swear. I'm surrounded by idio-

Drake: Tlanextic. Buddy. Sup?  
Tlanextic: Yes my Lord?

He's acting strangely. Trouble is afoot!

Tlanextic: You never talk like that. Have you been in the wrong crowd?  
Drake: Crowd? Bork? Homie. You know I be slicing with your dicing.  
Tlanextic: Is that even English?  
Drake: Don't we technically speak High Gothic?

He had me there.

Tlanextic: Touche.  
Drake: So we're speaking nonsense gangster in High Gothic. I wonder what that sounds like.  
Tlanextic: Shouldn't we know?  
Drake: No. We're speaking English right now.  
Tlanextic: But you said High Gothic!  
Drake: Dude. Translators.

One of these days I will destroy him..

Subject: Vyce Dryke  
Affiliation: Black Draconis, Khorne  
Rank: Part of Black Draconis Command structure  
Threat Level: Omega-II

This Daemon is a newer threat. The only thing we can closely describe it to is the myths of Ancient Terra, a Dragon. Rumor has it he was around during the 'Black Draconis' incident, and was somehow captured and imprisoned. Unknown if he was on the side of The Cleaved or Tlanextic. His goal in that incident is vastly unknown as well. Many have died trying to collect this information, to the point it's likely not worth it.

Last seen on Cadia, this Dragon is a follower of Khorne. Reports have also seen him as a Black Tzeentchi dragon, and a female Slaaneshi dragon. These may be different entities, or the same one. If so, he may be undivided, and a serious threat on the battlefield regardless. A Nurgle Dragon has not been seen so far, we're pondering if we should be worried or not if one does. Has been seen with Lord Drake, Tlanextic, and sometimes by himself leading troops into battle.

Agent 17 was somehow fortunate enough to get an interview.

Agent 17: So.. What's your name?  
Vyce: Dryke. Vyce Dryke. Daemon Dragon. I'd give oyu my Daemon name, but then I'd have to kill you.  
Agent 17: I might add, off the record, that I'm very suprised you haven't killed me yet. Why?  
Vyce: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Agent 17 gulps and nods.

Agent 17: Right. So. When did you become a part of Black Draconis?  
Vyce: Ages ago. I think Tlanextic caged me up while I was investigating... something an-

Agent 21 busts in from the nearest wall.

Agent 21: Hold it right there!

Agent 17 sighs.

Agent 17: Agent 21, what are you doing here? This is a private interview.  
Agent 21: To.. Dispatch the Chaos Scum? I mean, we did setup a trap right?

Agent 17 blinks, and Vyce shakes his head.

Agent 17: Wait! don't go anywhere!  
Vyce: I suspected a trap, although I'm not sure if I care about the likes of you.  
Agent 17: Oh...  
Agent 21: Hm. Well. I may just go back for Tea with Arich 444.  
Vyce: What's with you people and numbers for names?  
Agent 21: Shh! Code names!  
Agent 17: I'm asking the questions here!  
Vyce: Oh? How are you going to stop me? I'm an Adult Dragon with chain-axes and a claymore. You don't bother me. I can dispatch the both of you easy.  
Agent 17: Right right, Okay.  
Agent 21: Well they're code names.  
Vyce: Right right.  
Agent 17: So, your a Daemon Dragon yes? Were you always so or were you non-daemonic before?  
Vyce: Yeah. About that.. You see. Back when I was younger, a few thousand years ago, I stumbled into the Warp and was offered a choice. I chose to follow Chaos.


	48. Episode 48: Flowers and Albion

**Lord Drake Misadventures 48**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009  
PS: I'll get back to you when it's over 9,000.

It was a beautiful morning. Filled with birds. Bees. Trees. And.. POLLEN! Pan camera to a Red Chaos Dragon sneezing his lungs out.

Vyce: We're on a Daemon world!!! Why the hell do we have this random patch of niceness? It's polluting my air.  
Icil: Aren't you a fire dragon? Can't you like. Set them on fire or something?  
Vyce: Well it doesn't work like that. There's too many.  
Icil: Uh-huh. Well being one of ice I guess it doesn't make sense to me.  
Vyce: So how did you end up with the Black Dragons?  
Icil: It was a good idea at the time...

The view starts getting fuzzy.

Drake: Oh no. I didn't authorize any flashbacks!

View returns to normal.

Icil: Well how can I tell my story without a flashback?  
Drake: I dunno. Your a smart girl. You figure it out. Just no flashbacks on my Daemon world.  
Vyce: How'd you get here so fast? we're clear on the other side of the planet.  
Drake: It's my Daemon world. I control physics!  
Vyce: Sure you do.  
Icil: I'm sure you can do other things too.  
Drake: Yes. Yes.. Yes I can. OBSERVE!

Lord Drake stares at the ground, strains, stares, strains... this continues for about a half-hour.

Drake: Just a little more...

Several hours later.

Drake: A little more!

Tlanextic walks onto the scene. Cue canned clapping from nowhere.

Tlanextic: What are you morons up to?

Canned laughter.

Tlanextic: And where the HELL is that coming from?  
Drake: I had that installed yesterday. Now we can be a Sitcom!

Tlanextic groans, facepalms, and there is more canned laughter.

Vyce: Lucy. You've got some 'splaining to do.  
Drake: For the last time, who the hell is Lucy? And why does she have some 'splaining to do? Does it have something to do with spleens? Spleening?  
Tlanextic: Is.. Is that.. A flower? On a Daemon World?  
Drake: I put that there.  
Tlanextic: Why?  
Drake: To make you ask questions...

Tlanextic stares at Drake. Drake stares back. This continues for a short bit and Tlanextic blinks.

Drake: I WIN!  
Tlanextic: I hate you... I hate you so much.

The view goes fuzzy again..

Drake; I said no flashbacks!  
Icil: It's not me.  
Vyce: Not it.  
Tlanextic: Not it.  
Drake: ... Dammit.  
Random Dragon-eating Plant: Feed me Seymour!  
Vyce: What the...

The plant suddenly freezes and falls under it's own weight, shattering when it hits the ground.

Icil: Oh what fun!  
Drake: So everything is still going fuzzy guys.  
Vyce: It doesn't make a bit of difference guys.. The balls are inert.

All stare at Vyce.

Vyce: What? It seemed appropriate.  
Drake: Whatever.

All of a sudden, all starts to fade to white. White and blind-inducing bloom white! Vyce appears in the middle of a town square. Everyone turns to stare at him.

Child: Hey mommy! Mommy! Look at the lizard man.  
Mother: That's no lizard...  
Father: D-D-DRAGON!  
Vyce: Oh great. Town. Castle. Peasants. Worst place for me to end up and I don't see the others.

Armed Guards rush in.

Vyce: Hm. This could be ugly...

Vyce's chainaxes roar out hungrily, and a pack of guards close in. Townsfolk scatter everywhere screaming and with a battle cry the Chaos Dragon barrels into the group. Draconic strength mixed with powered Khronate armor shatters the bones of one or two, and twin chainaxes claim a few more heads. Vyce blinks as he sees a few of them respawn, as well as one or two firing with primitive rifles and pistols which only bounce off armored plating and draconic scale.

Vyce: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!

Elsewhere.

Lionheart: Are you sure this is a good idea?  
Lord Drake: Of course this is a good idea. Would I lie to you?  
Tlanextic: Wel-  
Drake: Don't answer that.

Lord Drake is elsewhere with Tlanextic, who curses his luck, and they're with a female hero, who appears to have a halo over her head and etc. How she is oblivious to the fact these two are agents or Chaos and obviously evil is beyond me. Somehow, they had a bunch of people make a huge drill that spits fire and eats away rock.

Drake: Okay. So here's the plan. We drill to the center of uhm.. What was this place named again?  
Lionheart: Albion.  
Drake: Right. We drill down, get to the core, and then we get enough energy to get the hell back home. Preferably without the dragon.  
Lionheart: Dragon?  
Tlanextic: Nothing, nevermind.  
Drake: Not important enough anyway. Drill to the center, what's the worst that can happen?

Back in the Town Square, blood is just about everywhere, poor guards and villagers lie about, but for some reason the children are completely untouched. Vyce is busy manhandling a child.

Vyce: WHY CAN'T I HURT YOU!?  
Child: You killed mommy! How could you?  
Vyce: You bat aside and ignore blows that would decapitate any mortal! How can this happen? HOW!? I can't murder an entire town without killing the children too!

A Dark and Brooding man walks onto the scene from the shambled downtown, his face lined with blue vein looking things and he carries a massive warhammer and a.. pistol. He also has horns on his head. He scans the area of the carnage, and blinks.

Brooding Man: Impressive.  
Vyce: WHY WON'T YOU DI-Oh hai.  
Brooding Man: I have not seen you before. My name is Shadowfiend.  
Vyce: Why are you so brooding?  
Shadowfiend: I'm evil. I brood a lot.  
Vyce: Right. I'm evil too.

Shadowfiend stares at the town square again.

Shadowfiend: I can tell. What's a dragon doing in Bowerstone?  
Vyce: What's a brooding man doing not killing anyone in sight?  
Shadowfiend: Good question.

Suddenly, there is an earthquake.

Shadowfiend: What the hell?  
Vyce: What in the name of the four fathers...  
Shadowfiend: It appears to be coming in this direction!

Vyce nods to the horned one and the two dash off, only to find..

Drake: Remember when I said "What's the worst that can happen?"  
Lionheart: Of course.  
Drake: Well.. I wasn't expecting this.

Vyce and Shadowfiend arrive, to stare at the hole made by the drilling machine. It's huge, the machine has fallen into it, and magma is slowly filling up the hole.

Drake: So uh. Oops.  
Shadowfiend: Lionheart!  
Lionheart: Shadowfiend!  
Drake: LORD DRAKE!

The two 'heroes' stare at Drake.

Drake: I wanted in too! D:  
Lionheart: We meet again Shadowfiend.  
Shadowfiend: And for once I'm not the one trying to destroy or take over the world.  
Vyce: What'd that idiot do now?  
Tlanextic: Well we were trying to figure out a way to power us off this place, but Drake thought we could do this whole Geothermal energy thing but making a hole with a massive flame-drill.  
Vyce: And you thought this was a good idea?  
Tlanextic: Heavens no. It's a stupid idea, but he wouldn't listen, and I had this chick here about to kill me if I don't let him.  
Vyce: Right. Wait a minute.. What is this place?  
Tlanextic: Albion.  
Vyce: Wait a tic. Albion.. Shadowfiend.. Lionheart.. Bowerstone. Oh god. We're in my game of Fable 2.  
Shadowfiend: Fable 2?  
Drake: It's a Xbox ga-  
Vyce: It's nothing at all. Right. So. You lot are going to ruin my game.  
Drake: Not on purpose.  
Tlanextic: I explained to you what could go wrong.  
Drake: Your techno-babble doesn't impress me!

The ground quakes again.

Vyce: Let's just get the hell out of here.  
Tlanextic: You can do that?  
Vyce: I can time travel. I can totally bring you wherever the hell I want to.  
Tlanextic: That's cheap.  
Vyce: Want me to leave you here?

The trio vanished, leaving the two natives to stare at each other. As the hole widens and more magma comes out, there is an epic struggle against good and evil. Good will obviously win, but that's to cliche. We'd have evil win, but that's overdone. So. Nobody wins. In fact, the entire planet cracks and explodes, and only because Lord Drake drilled a hole to a planet. GG Drake. GG.

Drake: Oops?

Oops won't cut it buddy.

Drake: I'm sorry?

No your not.

Drake: It did it for the luls?

No.

Drake: Uhhhh...

Give up while you still can.

Drake: POTATO.

Uhhh... Ooookay...


	49. Episode 49: A fistful of Vyces

**Lord Drake Misadventures 49**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

It was just another day on The Dragon's Haste. Cultists screaming, daemons devouring souls, Tlanextic palmfacing at Lord Drake, Vyce listening to loud techno and going on about Slaanesh...

Wait, whut?

Lord Drake stumbles into Vyce's lair, finding the Chaos Dragon there, his 'natural' black, but.. Female and Anthro.

Lord Drake: Oh no. Not this again. This needs to stop before it becomes a problem.  
Vyce: Huh? I can't hear you.  
Lord Drake: Turn that down!  
Vyce: What? Turn it up?

The music grows even louder, a nearby cultists explodes near the speakers. Vyce giggles, and turns it off, looking towards Lord Drake, swaying her tail.

Vyce: Yes?  
Drake: I will not have a Slaanesh on my ship again!  
Vyce: Oh calm yourself down, it's not like I'm starting orgies around here, despite popular belief Master Keva will murder me, since he already has plenty reason to murder me.  
Drake: Right, but still... Ever since Naso up and vanished for some reason I've been careful to stamp out anything remotely Slaanesh on this ship before we end up with another Slaaneshi Juggernaut of power.  
Vyce: Right, well I'll see about.. Improving myself. You won't see me Slaanesh around here.  
Drake: Better not.

Lord Drake walks out of the lair and into the hallway, heading towards the bridge before he bumps into Tlanextic.

Drake: What are you doing down here?  
Tlanextic: Looking for you?  
Drake: Why?  
Tlanextic: Well I was coming down to warn you about Vyce turning Nurgle.

Lord Drake stares.

Tlanextic: What?  
Drake: I was just talking to Vyce and he... Err. She was Slaanesh.  
Tlanextic: That's impossible. Vyce turned into a Nurgle Dragon

Vyce walks up to the pair, blood red and covered in his Khornate armor, he came in a direction that was neither from the bridge or his lair.

Vyce: Sup guys.

They both stare.

Vyce: What? Something on my face?  
Tlanextic: You were Nurgle a few minutes ago.  
Drake: And Slaanesh another.  
Vyce: That's weird. I'm sure I'm still Khorne. Where was I?  
Drake: You were in your lair.  
Tlanextic: And I saw you on the bridge.  
Vyce: Huh. I haven't been to either place yet today. I was torturing Rheumwight on another deck.  
Drake: Well Slaanesh Female you should still be at the lair.  
Vyce: Ten lets head to my lair, shouldn't be any Slaanesh related shenanigans.

The three exit, and arrive at the lair. It's silent, nothing there, looks a bit disturbed, but there is no sign of a Slaaneshi Vyce anyway.

Vyce: Your all crazy. No females here..  
Drake: I could have sworn!'  
Tlanextic: Your also insane, so maybe your dreaming up things. I however am not insane, so lets go to the bridge.

They arrive on the bridge, there is no sign of any sort of Nurgle Dragon, however out of nowhere Dragonspit rushes to the bridge.

Dragonspit: My Lord! Vyce has turned Tzeentch and insane, and is trying to take over the docking ba-

Vyce blinks, Dragonspit double-takes.

Dragonspit: Khorne's Coffee Filter!  
Tlanextic: Oh great, he's picking up your habits.  
Drake: I only train the best!

Tlanextic palmfaces.

Dragonspit: Vyce your fast! And.. Khornate again... What in the name of the four fathers?  
Tlanextic: You know, I'm starting to feel suspicious.  
Vyce: Hm?  
Tlanextic: Your all over the ship, following different gods. And last I checked it isn't easy to swap Chaos Gods on a whim.  
Vyce: You'd be surprised.  
Tlanextic: All the same, your ending up in different places at the same time.  
Vyce: Are you suggesting there is more than one of me?  
Tlanextic: No, I wasn't even thinking it actually.  
Drake: There's something you aren't telling us.  
Vyce: Oh? Is that so?  
Rhuemwight: My Lord... *cough / hack* Vyce is Slaanesh, and is taking over on the lower decks......  
Communications Slave: My Lord, a Nurgle dragon on the lower decks.  
Vyce: Hm. Oh dear. I don't think I can hide this.  
Tlanextic: Hide what?  
Vyce: This is a muntiny, you see... Now my soul is undivided, but enslaved to the Chaos Gods. Sometime while travelling through the warp, that soul was rent apart and the pieces ended up on this ship. So instead of undivivded, there are four of me, each with diffrent traits.  
Drake: Well this is my ship! You can't has!  
Tlanextic: And this concerns me how?  
Vyce: Well you see, I was talking to myself and decided that now that there are four of us, nothing can stop us and that taking over the Legion is a very good idea.

Slaanesh Vyce walks onto the bridge, smiling cutely.

Slaanesh Vyce: So you see, we are the Masters now. Not you.  
Tzeentch Vyce: Just as planned.  
Nurgle Vyce: N-n-Nurgle!  
Khorne Vyce: Will you speak english for once?  
Nurgle Vyce: You expected better?  
Tzeentch Vyce: Yeah, I mean, I he's a servant of Nurgle, Nurgle doesn't say much. And Zombie Dragons are awesome.  
Slaanesh Vyce: You face is awesome.  
Tzeentch Vyce: Your mom is awesome.  
Slaanesh Vyce: Your ass is awesome.  
Tzeentch Vyce: Oh baby.

Vyce pawfaces.

Vyce: FOCUS! You don't see me or Nurgle doing anything wrong.  
Tzeentch Vyce: Because it's Nurgle. I mean. He's just sitting there and rotting and maybe infesting a person or two with some random disease.  
Vyce: Makes me want to go back to Undivided after Khorne.  
Nurgle Vyce: Isn't that what got us into this mess?  
Vyce: Actually. Yeah. That's true. Tryin to go undivided but the gods won't have it.  
Tzeentch Vyce: Maybe we should join the loyalists.  
Vyce: Please, I'm not doing that unless it's the fuck with the minds of the populace.  
Slaanesh Vyce: Did you say fuck?  
Vyce: No, sod off since your literally my sexual side..  
Slaanesh: Yeah yeah. Escpicially since we had some fun with that renega-  
Vyce: SHUT UP.

Vyce puts Slaanesh Vyce in a muzzle, and ties her to the wall. She makes muffled noises and Vyce shakes his head.

Tzeentch Vyce: Right. So.. What were we doing?  
Vyce: Oh. Taking over the ship.  
Tlanextic: Finding a way to get back to normal. I don't need another Corrack around here.  
Vyce: I should make Master visit ;P  
Drake: That's it! We need to find Keva, he'll put them all in line.  
Tlanextic: But that makes leaving the ship and the legion to Vy-  
Drake: Nonsense!

Lord Drake suddenly picks up the receiver of a Red Phone.

Vyce: That wasn't there before.  
Drake: It's always been here.  
Tlanextic: No it hasn't. That just showed up out of nowhere.  
Drake: Uhm. Blame the warp. And Squats.  
Eldrad: Did someone say Squats?

Istu-Karandras and Eldrad have appeared from nowhere.

Vyce: No! Go away.  
Eldrad: What's this? A telephone? These aren't supposed to be there.

The phone rings, Lord Drake jumps, startled. Drake picks up the phone.

Drake: Hello? Uhm. I think this is for you Farseer.  
Eldrad: A phone call? From a retconned phone? What the devil!?

Eldrad grabs the phone.

Eldrad: hello?  
Obama: Is your refrigerator running?  
Eldrad: Well.. I don't have refrigerator. They don't exist in the 40th Millenium.  
Obama: You mean this isn't the North Korean President?  
Eldrad: No. Actually. Your not suppsoed to be able tyo be called. I think you need to be retconneced.  
Obama: Uhm. Uhm.

Click.

Eldrad: Well that was od-

The phone rings again, Eldrad answers.

Kim: Herro?  
Eldrad: Uhhh.. Hello?  
Kim: Is amanda kissandhug there?  
Eldrad: I dunno. Let me check. Hey uhm. guys. Is there amanda kissandhug here?

Kim laughs and then the phone clicks again.

Eldrad: What the hell...

Phone rings again.

Eldrad: Ugh.  
???: Ring ring ring ring ring.. Bananaphone.

Click, suddenly Eldrad is holding a Banana and not a phone.

Eldrad: That's it! Istu!  
Istu: My Lord?  
Eldrad: Dispose of this... Phone.  
Istu: Your clearly holding a Banana.  
Eldrad: It used to be a phone!  
Istu: Well I'm not the one calling people on Bananas.  
Eldrad: It was calling me!  
Istu: You were being called by a Banana?  
Eldrad: No. A person on the phone.  
Istu: You were talking to someone on the Banana?  
Eldrad: It was a phone before.  
Istu: Suuuuure it was, I think I'll take you and your 'phone' to a nice padded room where the men in white coats can take care of you.  
Eldrad: No! NO! NOOOO!!!

The two Eldar vanish. Tzeentch Vyce starts laughing his ass off.

Tzeentch Vyce: Did you see that? Bananaphone. HAHAHAHA!  
Drake: Ugh. Now how are we going to get ahold of Keva?  
Keva: You called?

Everyone jumps.

Drake: STOP THAT!  
Keva: Stop what?  
Drake: Stop showing up out of nowhere, like Corrack.  
Keva: I was here the whole time.

Tzeentch Vyce laughs even harder.

Drake: What? Huh? I'm confused.  
Keva: There there dear, doesn't take a professor. He turned me into a little teapot. Now Imma kill him.

Tzeentch Vyce suddenly stops laughing.

Tzeentch Vyce: Wait.. What?  
Keva: Or tie you up next to... What the hell.

The Chaos Dragon suddenly notices there are four Vyces.

Keva: Oh hell. This is diffrent.  
Vyce: I can explain.  
Keva: The hell you can.

Slaanesh Vyce mumbles something.

Keva: Hello to you too.  
Drake: So we need to fix this.  
Keva: Well other than literally being a pawful, doens't seem to horrible, for me anyway, although Nurgle Vyce isn't to my taste.  
Nurgle Vyce: Nobody loves me! D:  
Tlanextic: So how do we fix this?  
Keva: Give me a few minutes.

Keva grabs all four Vyce's and leave the room.

Vyce: that doesn't go there!  
Tzeentch Vyce: I don't think that'll fit  
Slaanesh Vyce: I'LL MAKE IT FIT.  
Vyce: AUGH MY SPLEEN!  
Keva: Shut up, you don't need it.  
Slaanesh Vyce: Ooo! Ooooo! OW! FUCK.  
Vyce: I don't see how this is helping...  
Nurgle Vyce: NURGLE!  
Slaanesh: Hey! that's my soul. I need that.  
Nurgle Vyce: Mine too!  
Keva: Pipe down or I'll show you the true meaning of pain.

It goes suddenly quiet, Drake and Tlanextic stare at the door while a Tactical Space Marine with a Flamer steals a cultist, laughs, and then leaps out the nearest airlock. Nobody notices. Keva comes back onto the bridge, grinning.

Drake: Well?  
Keva: Well what?  
Tlanextic: Is he normal?  
Keva: Normal, Male, Black, No Chaos Dedication. He's going to be woozy for a bit.

Vyce stumbles onto the bridge, his scales black, eyes red as usual, although he wasn't wearing any armor.

Vyce: Watch that last step. It's a doozy.

Vyce falls over.


	50. Episode 50: Not to fifty!

**Lord Drake Misadventures 50**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

Pit of Despair. Humperdinck is over Westley

Humperdinck: You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. So I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will.

Humperdinck takes the control of The Machine, and puts it to the highest setting

Count Rugen: Not to fifty!!!!

Westley makes assorted groans and wails.

And now for something completely different.

Vyce: Fifty Episodes.  
Drake: Fifty?  
Rugen: NOT TO FIFTY.  
Vyce: Shut up you.  
Drake: So we're doing a crazy episode where we have clones of me and Tlanextic competing against each other and cheering like in Excel Saga?  
Tlanextic: Do we have any original jokes here so far?  
Vyce: No. But the whole 'Not to Fifty' was relevant. I think.  
Tlanextic: It's about as relevant as Igloo is to a Necron.  
Drake: Which coincidentally, is relevant in out case.  
Tlanextic: Dammit. Uhm. A BioTitan playing Battleship?  
Vyce: Strike two.  
Tlanextic: Tyranids in Dawn of War?  
Drake: Strike three. Your out.  
Tlanextic: Out?  
Drake: Yeah. Out.

Drake shoves Tlanextic out the airlock.

Drake: I've always wanted to do that. Anyway. So your back to bring strictly undivided?  
Vyce: Yessir. I've experienced them all, and other than Slaanesh they can sod off.  
Tlanextic: So your a closet Slaanesh?  
Vyce: Something like that.  
Drake: That's not all he's in the closet fo-Wait. What?  
Tlanextic: Hm?  
Drake: How'd you get back here so fast?  
Tlanextic: Tra-  
Drake: Don't say it!  
Tlanextic: Trad-  
Drake: NO!

Lord Drake shoves Tlanextic out the airlock. Tlanextic taps Lord Drake's shoulder

Drake: KHORNES GHOST! What the devil?  
Tlanextic: Remember that thing about clones?  
Drake: Yeah?  
Tlanextic: Look around you.

Lord Drake does, and sees something horrifying.

Drake: There's hundreds of you!  
Tlanexitc: Noooo Escape...  
Drake: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Lord Drake jumps out the airlock. Vyce cackles, and the Tlanextic clones vanish except for the real one.

Tlanextic: Shouldn't we save him?  
Vyce: As soon as I'm done laughing. MUWHAHAHAAHA.

Tlanextic shakes his head, only to see Dragonspit walking from the airlock with a blue-faced Lord Drake.

Drake: Thank you for saving me! These fools are trying to kill me and take over.  
Dragonspit: I was only concerned you might be turning to Tzeentch since you were turning blue.  
Drake: What? I could have died out there!  
Dragonspit: Well I think Khorne is more important than being Tzeentchi and dying as one.  
Drake: Your an idiot. Get out of my sight!  
Dragonspit: As you wish my lord.

Dragonspit leaps out the airlock.

Vyce: Why the hell do we have an airlock on the bridge? Who designed this ship anyway?

Lord Drake looks away and whistles. Suddenly, Versian appears.

Versian: Okay. This is episode 50. I have to be in it.  
Naso: Me too.  
McCarrick: Me Three.  
NeCoHo: Alright everyone, stop trying to hijack and thread and take if off topic.  
Zahr: It's technically on topic because it doesn't have a topic.  
Sawblade: And on topic because we're still in Misadventures.  
NeCoHo: But... That.... What?  
Immortal Chaos: Take a chill pill Necy.  
NeCoHo: What? You too?  
Drake: You aren't trying to stuff as many cameos in as possible do you?  
Vyce: Only if hilarity ensues.  
Keva: Only if you do all your lines.  
Vyce: I've done... Uhm... 313 already. Get off my back.  
Keva: You owe me 1000.  
Vyce: But....  
Keva: 9000?  
Vyce: 9000!?  
Keva: Unless you want it over 9000.  
Corrack: I see what you did there.  
Drake: Shush you.  
Keva: It's a good thing the real me doesn't read Misadventures.  
Vyce: Maybe the real me shouldn't keep encouraging him to try.  
Tlanextic: I think the bridge is becoming crowded.  
Tritus: Crowded?  
Celethorn: Try throwing in two dragons and we have a deal.  
Twiggy: And a Daemon Prince.  
Tlanextic: Are you going somewhere with this?  
Vyce: I literally have no idea. Maybe we'll stuff the ship full of cameos, make it ram into the nearest planet, and then we'd have to come up with a new ship. Maybe a Pl-  
Rhuemwight: Masters, it appears we're on a collision course with a Craftworld.  
Vyce: What?  
Drake: Eldar? Here?  
Tlanextic: Why would the-

Craftworld...

Eldrad: Well well, I'm here on my vacation, at last. And paid too. Now I don't have to worry about squats and other things that aren't supposed to ex-SQUAT!

Several sentry cannons twitch and destroy a Squat as he ambles into the room, dropping a letter.

Eldrad: What's this? Itsu?  
Itsu: My Lor-OW!

Istu, the Wraithlord, collides into the top of the door to Eldrad's room and falls over.

Itsu: I told you to make this taller!  
Eldrad: I don't want to. I can't just bend reality to my whim.  
Guardian: Eldrad Sir, we have a bit of a problem.  
Eldrad: Problem? I don' have time for your problems. Itsu, fetch me that paper.  
Itsu: So you have time for your own problems but no-  
Guardian: Sirs! This is urgent!  
Eldrad: Not now.  
Guardian: Si-  
Eldrad: SQUAT!

The sentries obliterate the Guardian.

Eldrad: Anyway.  
Itsu: My Lord. I think that was important.  
Eldrad: SQ-  
Itsu: Right, letter.

Itsu gets off the floor, leans over to grab the letter and is suddenly bowled over as the Craftworld rams into something.

Eldrad: What's going on? Give me that letter!  
Itsu: I think we have larger problems.

The Craftworld appears to have collided into The Dragon's Haste. Troops disgorge from the vessel, and the rest of the fleet engages the Craftworld.

Eldrad: What's all that racket? Itsu? Itsu where are you going I need that letter?

Itsu drops the letter and exits. Eldrad rolls his eyes, gets out of his comfy sofa 9000, and walks over to pick up the letter. A Berserker steps on it.

Berserker: OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!  
Eldrad: SQUAT!  
Berserker: What the hell is a-

The sentries whip over, and differently colored dots appear all over the Berserker.

Berserker: Oh no.

FREEEM! No more Berserker.

Eldrad: Honestly. The NERVE of these people.

Eldrad huffs, bends over to grab the letter, and narrowly avoid a Chainaxe.

Eldrad: Ruffians, coming in, making a mess of my home, and decorating the walls red. Red isn't even in our colors. Honestly. So...

To Whom It May Concern,

We are the Squats union, and we wish to be represented again. Too many of our friends have vanished mysteriously and it's becoming apparent that you lot is reponsible. I should report you to the Imperium. Except for the fact that the Imperium ios also actively trying to stamp us out. In fac- Auuuuuugh.

Eldrad: Auuuuugh?  
Itsu: Perhaps he was dying while writing it.  
Eldrad: STOP THAT! And why would he do that while dying?  
Itsu: I don't know, maybe someone was transcribing it at the time.  
Eldrad: That doesn't even make sense.

On the Dragon's Haste...

Drake: Eldar? Here?  
Vyce: Good thing we have an army of Cameos.  
Cultist: AND A CAST OF THOUSANDS!  
Keva: Right then, I'm dragging you off until your lines are done.  
Vyce: But Master!

Keva and Vyce exit, McCarrick is picking his nose.

Tlanextic: Alright, party is over. Everybody out.

Tlanextic and Co. start shoving people out the airlock.

Eldrad: Ah hell. More of them! Start the self-destruct sequence, I'll just have to fake another death.  
Itsu: I do it all the time.  
Eldrad: No you don't.  
Itsu: Hm. No. I don't.  
Tlanextic: My Lord, the Craftworld is ready to explode.  
Drake: Good! Get rid of them bastards.  
Tlanextic: If we stand around the blast radius will kill us.  
Drake: Can't we just.. respawn or something?  
Tlanextic: No. We're going.  
Drake: What about the Cameos?  
Dragonspit: This is a parallel universe. An insane one at that, they'll be back.  
Tlanextic: I hate you all.  
Drake: Set engines to 50.  
Rugen: NOT TO 50!  
Drake: Dragonspit, remove this man!

Dragonspit shoves Rugen out the airlock.

Drake: And someone fetch me a cup of coffee.

The Dragon's Haste warps out, just in time for Eldrad's craftworld to explode into the number 50.


	51. Episode 51: Armored Core: What Answer?

**Lord Drake Misadventures 51**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

Drake: BEHOLD! The Black Draconis Council of doom!  
Vyce: Can't we just call it something else?  
Tlanextic: It's not much of a council either, much less just the command structure of Black Draconis.  
Drake: Quiet you! Stop ruining my dreams!

Vyce rolls his eyes, observing Tlanextic and Lord Drake sitting at a square table with a deck of cards. The dragon was observing in his large feral form, snickering now and then and tongue-flickering.

Vyce: We haven't done anything major since Cadia.  
Drake: No. Not really.  
Tlanextic: We fought Eldrad.  
Drake: Shush. I'm still trying to shove Cameos out the airlock.  
The Biscuit Monster: Hey guys.  
Tlanextic: THERE'S ONE!  
Drake: GET 'IM.

TBM stares.

TBM: Maybe I should start running.  
Vyce: It's a good idea.

TBM darts and runs for it while Lord Drake chases after. Tlanextic acts like he's chasing after before stopping and coming back. The Chaos Dragon arches an eyebrow.

Vyce: Not going anywhere?  
Tlanextic: He'll be fine.  
Vyce: no he won't.  
Tlanextic: i talked with Tzeentch today, nothing will go wrong.  
Vyce: Why do I have the feeling something WILL go wrong?  
Snow: Mind if I let myself in?

Vyce blinks, looking up and into the eyes of a black and blue dragon.

Tlanextic: MORE DRAGONS!?  
Vyce: We-  
Tlanextic: no no no!  
Vyce: I could invite all the dragons I know.  
Arkor: Hi.  
Ember: Hola.  
Ko: Konnichiwa.  
Vyce: Your not even Japanese.  
Ko: I think I'm turning Japanese?  
Tlanextic: Isn't that song racist?  
Keva: Racist?  
Tritus: Racist.  
Celethorn: Absolutely.  
Tlanextic: This is getting crowded.

Lord Drake comes back, stares.

Drake: DRAGONS!? They can't fit in the airlock.  
Corrack: If you try hard enough, anything can fit in anything... With enough lube.  
Tlanextic: Didn't we do this joke last episode?  
Zack: Something like that.  
Vyce: Is it still funny?  
Tlanextic: I dunno. Ask the viewers. Hey you.  
You: Huh? Me?  
Tlanextic: Yes you.  
Vyce: Okay. We're violating the fourth wall here.  
Tlanextic: Shush, this is important. Is this joke funny?  
You: To be honest, i think it's a bit abused..  
Corrack: That's okay, we love abuse here.  
Dragons: CORRACK.  
Corrack: Oh dear.  
Torch: You know. I think someone needs a beating.  
Vyce: Your not a dragon, your a raptor.  
You: AHHHH MORE FURRRIES!  
Corrack: I'll show you furry. It's in my pan-

The Adeptus Moderatorus appears.

NeCoHo: Okay. That's enough. You've got a warning Corrack.  
Corrack: Warnings? I do what I want.  
NeCoHo: Warning two.  
Vyce: Corrack, just get moving.  
You: Mods... Huh... This just gets more random and random... I think I'll go elsewhere.  
Tlanextic: They're losing interest!  
Drake: Our ratings are dropping!  
Vyce: QUICK! DO SOMETHING!

Lord Drake rushes out, grabs Rhuemwight and tosses him on the idea wheel and spins it hard.

Rhuemwight: Ow. Ooof. Eee. No. UGH MY SPINE. I don't think that goes there.  
Vyce: You know, if he were Slaanesh he'd enjoy that.  
Tlanextic: Well it's part of the Khorne/Rheumwight contract that if he switches allegiances he dies immediately.  
Vyce: Wow. That sucks.  
Drake: Ratings are going back up.

Rheumwight lands on the Order of Our Martyred Lady.

Drake: Sisters of Battle.. RATINGS ARE GOING DOWN GOING DO-

We're sorry, your regularly scheduled episode of Lord Drake Misadventures has been replaced By MSS - Armored Core: What Answer? be sure to see Lord Drake Misadventures at it's new time at 2500 military time.

An Operator is speaking with her Next Pilot. A Lynx. Think Gundam and your pretty close. The Lynx has a British accent.

Operator: Alright. Here is the mission. The BFF Grou-  
Lynx: BFF Group? Best Friends Forever?

The Operator Sighs.

Operator: No.. No.. They're not Best Friends Forever. It stands for the Be-  
Lynx: Boyfriends Forever? I dunno.. This group sounds pretty gay to me.  
Operator: Will you pay attention? It stands for the Bernard an-  
Lynx: Bernand and his Friendly Friend?  
Operator: No. Ber-  
Lynx: Bernard and the Fantastic Foursome?  
Operator: NO!  
Lynx: Fantast-  
Operator: I have muted you end of the conversation and have taken away your right to speak. The BFF Group stands for the Bernard and Felix Foundation. Your mission is to retake the Gryphon, the independent city. Any questions?  
Lynx: Boys and their Fantastic Fros?  
Operator: Are you still going on about that?  
Lynx: Bernard and his Fabulous Fantasy?  
Operator: Ugh. Any other questions?  
Lynx: So what's the story with Gryphon?  
Operator: Well, they're an independent city, an armed group recently moved in and.. took over. The BFF wa-  
Lynx: Best Fri-  
Operator: The Bernard and Felix Foundation wants you to take it back for them.  
Lynx: Moved in? What do you mean the 'moved in'? If they're Independent, shouldn't they have a military or something.. You know.. kinda useful?  
Operator: It's not my job to question political circumstances, I'm here to give you the mission and watch what's going on as the situation escalates.  
Lynx: Right. Right.  
Operator: So all you need to do is clear out the city of enemies, including a new Fer-  
Lynx: Yes yes. Blow up everything. Kill that thing, blow up the land thingy.  
Operator: Bu-  
Lynx: Nope. I'm gone.

The Lynx jets away in his NEXT to the mission. The operator sighs and palmfaces.

Later..

Lynx: La la la.. blow up that.. killing this air target, blowing up the land thingy. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING!?

The Lynx dodged his NEXT out of the way just in time to miss a giant laser cannon blast. he stares up where it came from to see a massive flying machine with Primal Armor shielding and enough missiles to blow up Gryphon island and a big laser cannon that doesn't seem to be there. The Lynx's operator sighs.

Operator: I WAS going to warn you. But you didn't listen.  
Lynx: No you didn't. AUGH MISSILE RAPE!

The Lynx dodges into a wall of missiles, and then gets lasers.

Opertator: yes I did.  
Lynx: No you didn't. AUUUUUGH DIE BEAST!

The Lynx pilot destroys the Fermi Flying Fortress after a half hour.

Lynx: Finally.  
Operator: Fermi Flying Fortress confirmed destroy. Mission completed.  
Lynx: Excellent!

Guitar Riff from nowhere. Several missions later...

Operator; So what you need to do, is shut down and destroy the power plant tower.  
Lynx: Roger that.

The Lynx rushes the base of the tower, dodges hundreds of laser blasts from the defenses. Makes it through, and then destroys generator after generator on the way up.

Operator: Destructed of all targets confi-Multiple larger energy signatures detected. Fermi Flying Fortresses! We can't pick you up and get out of heree like this. You must destroy them.  
Lynx: *twitches* Multiple? Oh god. No. No. NOOO!! Your crazy, the tower's AA laser defense will tear me to shreds.  
Operator: You need to take them out.  
Lynx: Missiles.. Missiles.. Missiles!!! AUUUU-*static*  
Operator: Lynx. Respond. Next Pilot.. Respond..

Several hours later...

Lynx: When I get back there... I'm strangling you...


	52. Episode 52: Slaanesh Expansion Pack

**Lord Drake Misadventures 52**  
By Vyce Dryke 2009

Vyce: Ice dragons? In July!?  
Snow: What? I'm not allowed around here?  
Vyce: Oh. Your allowed all you want.  
Snow: Oh really?  
Vyce: Ya rly.  
Snow: No wai.  
Drake: HOLD ON A SECOND! NO FORNICATING ON MY SHIP! It's a rule.  
Tlanextic: Since when?  
Drake: Since now. If you remember we have a meeting with the Chaos gods.

Vyce sputters, looking away from the black and blue Chaos dragon, Snow.

Vyce: Meeting? With the Four Fathers? Oh lord.

Khorne appears in an explosion of blood.

Khorne: Starting now.

Tzeentch appears with a flash.

Tzeentch: Just as planned.

Nurgle simply falls form the ceiling, and Slaanesh appers with music blaring.

Slaanesh: I'm.. Too sexy for my shirt.. too sexy for my shi-OOOF!

Khorne knocks Slaanesh aside.

Khorne: Stop that diabolical singing...  
Tzeentch (Dryly): Why? you might enjoy it?  
Khorne: Exactly.... NO! I mean it's getting stuck in my head. I might have another blood rage here.  
Slaanesh: And that's how I win everytime. Ring ring ring ring ring. Banana Ph-Urk!

Khorne has Slaanesh against a nearby wall, strangling him.

Slaanesh: Khorne baby, I didn't know you were so kinky.  
Khorne: I'LL REND YOU IN TWO!  
Slaanesh: Promises promises.

Tzeentch sighs.

Tzeentch: Khorne don't kill him.  
Nurgle: He's immortal, you can't kill him. it's futile. Stop this nonsense.  
Khorne: IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER!!!  
Slaanesh: It does for me hot stuff.  
Khorne: ARRRGGGGH!!!!!!

Khorne takes a deep breath, and then drops Slaanesh, recomposing himself while the command crew of Black Draconis stare in awe.

Slaanesh: Mm. Khorne baby, you left makrs 3~

Khorne shudders.

Vyce: So why are you here?  
Nurgle: Well there's this place called the Wastel-

Tzeentch elbows Nurgle.

Tzeentch: Wrong universe.  
Nurgle: Huh? Oh... Right. So what are we doing in this one?  
Slaanesh: Uhhh..  
Tzeentch: Err...  
Khorne: Uh-oh.  
Vyce: You four forgot?

Tlanextic groans.

Tlanextic: Oh great. Even the Chaos Gods are incompetent.  
Nurgle: Only in this universe.  
Tzeentch: NURGLE! Shut up before I cage you again. I swear...  
Khorne: Well. It was Tzeentch's job to remember.  
Tzeentch: I told Nurgle to remember.  
Nurgle: I told Slaanesh to.  
Slaanesh: Uhm. I told... I told... Shoot. I forgot.  
Tzeentch: By myself, you fools are horrid.  
Slaanesh: Well maybe if Khorne didn't forget in the first place.  
Khorne: Well maybe if Tzeentch didn't forget.  
Tzeentch: Well maybe if Nurgle didn't forget.  
Nurgle: Well maybe is Slaanesh didn't forget.  
Slaanesh: Well maybe if someone will fill my holes everyday.

Long silence.

Slaanesh: What? I wanted to be non-conformist.  
Tzeentch: BAD SLAANESH. Calm down your sexual side.  
Slaanesh: But I love it so much Tzeentch babe.  
Tzeentch: I'll deal with you later.  
Slaanesh: Promises promises.  
Vyce: AHEM!  
Tzeentch: Oh. Right. You guys.  
Khorne: Vyce. You have forsaken me.  
Vyce: Just like I did with Tzeentch and Slaanesh.  
Nurgle: How come I don't get any love?  
Vyce: I'd rather not be a shambling rotted body thank you.  
Nurgle: Come on. It'll be fun...  
Vyce: I turned you down in Mark of Chaos, and I'll turn you down again.  
Nurgle: Mark of Chaos doesn't count.  
Tlanextic: I have the feeling we're going to have a flashback....  
Nurgle: You see. It all started when...

Everything turns fuzzy.

Thorgar the Blooded One emerges into a large cavern of the Chaos shrine.

Thorgar: BEHOLD! I HAVE PASSED YOUR TESTS MASTERS!  
Khorne: Yes Thorgar, you have made me very pleased.  
Nurgle: But Thorgar, you must choose you Chaos Patron.  
Thorgar: Very well. Convince me great ones!  
Khorne: Convince?  
Nurgle: Hm. Khorne. Can i talk to you for a second?  
Khorne: Uhh.. Sure. Hold on Thorgar.

The two turn away from the Chaos Champion.

Nurgle: Look. It's already painfully obvious he's going to choose you, considering his name, 'The Blooded One'.  
Khorne: Well a warrior of his caliber is one in a million. I simply cannot let him go. Especially since his name is something ridiculous that Black Hole Entertainment pulled out of their arses.  
Nurgle: Shh! They have eyes everywhere!  
Khorne: Tzeentch's pawn, Sudobaal, did well to bring him here. However I am curios why it is that Tzeentch isn't taking this man for his own.  
Nurgle: Well, Tzeentch's plans never make sense anyway.  
Khorne: And where the hell is Slaanesh?  
Nurgle: I think he's in the expansion pack.  
Khorne: Leave it to Slaanesh to be featured in something with the word 'expansion' in it.  
Nurgle: Oh I know...  
Thorgar: Uhm. Guys. I need to be able to take your gifts and go. You know, I DO have an Empire to topple. I mean. It's kinda important.  
Khorne: Pipe down fool.  
Nurgle: Us adults are talking.  
Thorgar: I don't care what Sudobaal says, if you lot don't hurry I'll head off WITHOUT your gifts and join Tzeentch or something. I'd say Slaanesh, but you know, he's probably in the crappy expansion pack because Namco wants more money. At least they aren't like Capcom.  
Nurgle: Aren't you not supposed to know that?  
Tzeentch: JUST AS PLANNED!  
Nurgle: We were trying to avoid saying that line. Thanks for ruining it.  
Thorgar: I do kinda want my daemonhood.  
Tzeentch: If Slaanesh were here....  
Nurgle: QUIET!  
Khorne: Rather keep his out of our camp.  
Slaanesh: Did someone say camp?

All groan, everything goes fuzzy and goes back to the bridge.

Slaanesh: Good times. I really liked that expansion pack.  
Vyce: You weren't in any for Dawn of War.  
Slaanesh: Oh I was there. You just weren't looking hard enough.

Everyone bursts into laughter, the scene slowly fades to black.


	53. Episode 53: Ace Combat 2020

**Lord Drake Misadventures 53**  
By Vyce Dryke 2009

Drake: So you've found an old earth holiday that has to do with blowing things up for the hell of it?  
Tlanextic: Something like that.  
Vyce: More of an Old United States holiday, to be exactly.  
Drake: This makes me want to go back in time where the women are nice, explosions are frequent, and war occurs if you sneeze on somebody.  
Vyce: I hear North Korea is good for that.  
Drake: Nice Women?  
Vyce: No. Explosions.  
Drake: Not the good kind?  
Vyce: Depends on your preference.  
Tlanextic: That's what she said  
Drake: Tlanextic, a sense of humor? GASP!  
Abbadon: I'll show you a sense of humor.  
Tlanextic: That's what she said?  
Vyce: I think he's Slaanesh possessed.  
Tlanextic: That's not what you said last night.  
Vyce: SHHH! I was drunk at the time, I wasn't myself.  
Tlanextic: You loved it.  
Drake: Actually, now that I think about it, you never explained the presence of that black and blue chaos dragon.  
Vyce: It's need to know basis, and you don't need to know.  
Snow: That's what she said.

Vyce jumps with a start.

Vyce: Stop doing that.  
Tlanextic: I got it from him.  
Snow: That's what she said?  
Tlanextic: Not what you said last night...  
Snow: Is too.  
Tlanextic: Is not.  
Snow: Is too.  
Vyce: At least you two are getting along...  
Snow: Come on.. I need you to play Ace Combat 2020!  
Vyce: What? Having problems?  
Snow: Well.. Yes...

The Xbox 40k lights up as Vyce and Snow enter Vyce's lair, followed by Lord Drake and Tlanextic.

Drake: How long has that been there?  
Vyce: I don't know, it just kinda.. appeared from nowhere.

Snow looks away and whistles.

Vyce: Oi!  
Snow: I thought you would like it!  
Vyce: I do.. Just.. Eek.  
Snow: Anyway... I'm stuck on this one mission.  
Vyce: Okay, let's give it a whirl...

Vyce signs in, and the game starts to load up.

Ace Combat 2020!

Vyce: This suspiciously looks like Ace Combat 6...  
Garuda 1: Hey there, I'm Talisman.  
Garuda 2: And I'm generic wingman number two, aka Shamrock.  
Vyce: Did they pick their names?  
Talisman: I'm not sure, but i think we should fire the writers for coming up with the name of our country as 'Gracemania'.  
Shamrock: Talisman sir, that's Gracemeria, and our Country is Emmeria.  
Talisman: Right, Gracemania.  
Tlanextic: Are they talking to us?  
Talisman: Yeah.  
Snow: Welcome to modern consoles.  
Vyce: Creepy.  
Shamrock: Right, so my buddy her-  
Talisman: I'm the player, I'm the star of the show. Your the useless wingman who flies about and doesn't care if i get killed with bogeys on my six.  
Shamrock: There's was a pretty butterfly, honest.  
Talisman: A high speed butterfly? Last I check you were going 900 kph.  
Shamrock: And that's assuming we use km.  
Talisman: I would think so, it'd be pretty crazy going 900 mph.  
Vyce: Guys, guys, focus.  
Shamrock: A butterfly can fly that fast.  
Talisman: no it can't, we don't even have butterflies in our country.

Snow eyerolls.

Snow: Just hit start and it'll skip to the game.  
Vyce: is that ethical?  
Tlanextic: We're Chaos, we don't care about ethics.  
Vyce: This is true...

Vyce shrugs and hits start, the game loads.

Vyce: Only one place? Bah.. Lesse.. F-16C Fighting Falcon, Mirage 2000-5, Tornado GR.4, or the A-10A Thunderbolt II... Which one were you using?  
Snow: The Thunderbolt, because it looks cool.  
Vyce: Well there's your problem, the A-10 is slow as balls. try out this Mirage here, she's fast and deadly.  
Shamrock: yeah, but if you so much as poke it it'll explode.  
Drake: So it's the Pintos of aircraft?  
Talisman: No, she's that fragile.  
Drake: Sounds like the Eldar.  
Vyce: Their personal philosophy being "Sure, we're fragile, but good luck hitting us."  
Drake: Sounds like the Tau "Kais, if he's there, nobody can stop us!"  
Tlanextic: You idiot, that's not even close.  
Drake: "Kais isn't afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Kais"?  
Tlanextic: No, it's "Sure we suck at CC, but good luck getting there."  
Drake: I knew that.

Vyce plays for awhile with Drake and Co. watching.

Tlanextic: You know. I just noticed something...  
Vyce: What?  
Tlanextic: Well it appears your doing everything as the pilot Talisman. And the rest of the military more or less sucks.  
Talisman: Yeah, welcome to my world. I have to do everything around here and if it weren't for me Emmeria would be under Estovakian rule since day one.  
Vyce: I know your supposed to be the hero of this story, but I don't think iot's very realistic for the military to be completely incompetent.  
Shamrock: You should have seen what happened when we were supposed to protect Snake Pit, our ESM radar plane.  
Talisman: Yeah, bogeys everywhere and our fighters were just milling about.  
Shamrock: Talisman here was piloting a Tornado GR.4 at the time.  
Talisman: Yeah, when they said it was terrible with air to air combat, it wasn't kidding!  
Shamrock: Spent an hour nearly running out of time down to the last two seconds because I was incompetent and his plane couldn't knock down bogeys.  
Talisman: And then have to do it all again!  
Shamrock: No wonder those Stokies beat us so badly in our own capital. Those wankers.  
Talisman: Well maybe if you'd help me out!  
Shamrock: I did help you out, remember those drones?  
Talisman: No, but I think your going to remind me.

Flashback.

Snake Pit: Incoming cruise missiles! BREAK AWAY!  
Shamrock: Huh? What?

Shamrock's plane smacks into a Drone, who just now decided to guide a cruise missile at it, and Shamrock's plane explodes.

Talisman: Shamrock! You idiot! I'd mourn you but i know you'll respawn next mission!  
Shamrock: Cuuuuurse yooou!

Back to present.

Shamrock: Wait a minute.  
Talisman: I told you you didn't.  
Shamrock: But what about that one time we were fighting those super-planes? I helped then too!

Flashback.

Talisman: Shamrock! Get this guy off my six? Shamrock?  
Shamrock: Sorry Talisman, I was making a run on this massive thing. HOLY SHI-

One of the massive airplanes makes a turn and inadvertently smacks into Shamrock's plane, which explodes.

Talisman: Shamrock!! N-Wait. You respawn. Nevermind. See you next mission.

Present.

Shamrock: That's another bad example.  
Talisman: I have a novel's worth of bad examples.  
Shamrock: Damn, maybe I am useless.  
Vyce: Will you two shut up and let me play?  
Both: .....


	54. Episode 54: Black Dragons Knocking

**Lord Drake Misadventures 54**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

On The Dragon's Haste...

Dragonspit: My Lord! We have a problem!

Lord Drake snarls, turning from his nice view of the bridge's viewscreen, which for some reason has Abbadon's Black Crusade, Live! on it.

Drake: This better be important, I'm watching Abbadon's latest failure, who says the last few Black Crusades we did didn't count.  
Dragonspit: That's funny my Lord. However there is an urgent problem. The Black Dragons have found us! Their battle barge is here, and I think their entire fleet.  
Drake: Great Lords of Chaos! Their entire fleet? Sound the alarms! Everyone to their battle stations..

Klaxons whirr, the bridge glows red, clowns run around the bridge, only to be cleaved in half by Dragonspit. Various cultists are possessed by Daemons, and all Lord Drake does is sip on a milkshake. The Chaos Dragon arrives on the bridge first, grumbling, followed by Tlanexitc.

Vyce: I was busy dreaming... This better be important.  
Tlanextic: And I was busy sacrificing someone to Tzeentch to ensure that Drake doesn't cause my end by dying on me.  
Drake: Yeah yeah. Well the Black Dragons are here.  
Vyce: So?  
Tlanextic: Last I checked they're rather incompetent.  
Drake: They're our sworn Nemesis!  
Vyce: Wake me up when the Templar Blades show up with THEIR entire fleet. Then I'll panic about our 'sworn' Nemesis.  
Rhuemwight: My Lord.. They seem to be trying to... contact us?  
Drake: On screen...

The viewscreen on the bridge of the Dragon's Haste hisses as it changes siognals from Abbadon's show to a view of a Black Dreadnought, a dragon icon painted on it's front.

Drake: What the blazes?  
Dreadnought: Billy Mays here! With the Black Dragons Space Marine chapter. And we have a deal for you! Hee hee!

Tlanextic groans and palmfaces.

Rhuemwight: I'm sorry my Lord, I think that was the wrong signal.  
Drake: you idiot! Get the RIGHT signal.  
Dreadnought: I'm here to offer you a lifetime of slaughter. That's right, a lifetime! Be able to find you enemies, maim them, burn them, kill them, all with a simple machine. But act now an-

Ezra's ugly mug quickly replaces the strange Dreadnought.

Drake: Captain Ezra..  
Ezra: That's Chapter Master Ezra to you Lord Drake.  
Drake: Oh. You've gotten a promotion.  
Ezra: Not by choice.. The Chapter Master well.. eliminated in battle.  
Drake: Coincidence I'm sure. Why are you here?  
Ezra: We are.. *sighs* We're here to join you..

There is shocked silence, which is broken by Vyce sneezing and a few scales falling off, which causes him to blink and inspect them. Ezra blinks on the screen and Drake laughs.

Drake: I win.  
Ezra: Dammit! You do that every time.  
Tlanextic: Wait. Did I hear that right?  
Drake: So you finally admit the Inquisition was out to get us?  
Ezra: We-  
Tlanextic: Can you excuse us for a moment?  
Ezra: Of course..

Vyce, Lord Drake, and Tlanextic huddle. Ezra, still on screen, arches an eyebrow.

Tlanextic: I don't like this.  
Vyce: I'm suspicious..  
Drake: Oh please, I saw this coming, he finally crawled back to us and admitted I was right all along.  
Vyce: Please. He's a Space Marine, they're all the same. God-Emperor this, God-Emperor that.  
Tlanextic: Not to mention he proved difficult to convert...  
Drake: Nonsense. He's here to grovel and beg for forgiveness and then join us against the Inquisition.  
Vyce and Tlanextic: Bu-  
Drake: No buts.

Drake very quickly breaks away, to the dismay of the Dragon and the Sorceror.

Drake: We accept.  
Ezra: I see...  
Drake: Excellent. I'll meet you and your Senior Officers on the docking bay...  
Ezra: By your command...  
Drake: Good. Welcome to the legion...

Drake cuts the signal, Rhuemwight shudders, Vyce shakes his head and snorts, and Tlanextic furiously glares at Lord Drake.

Tlanextic: I recommend destroying them! I don't trust them one bit.  
Vyce: I don't either bu-  
Drake: Nope. Quiet, it's time for mt sp-  
Icil: Girl scout cookies!  
Drake: Khorne's Gravy Train. HERESY!

Vyce shrugs, and take some from Icil, nibbling on it.

Vyce: That's some delicious heresy.  
Tlanextic: Unfortunately I have to agree. No wonder the Emperor likes them so much.

Lord Drake grins, and leaves the bridge, leaning over to Icil and whispering.

Drake: Thank you my dear...  
Icil: Anytime Sir. Hurry up and get down there.

The Chaos Lord nods, and quickly exits the bridge while Vyce and Tlanexitc are busy. He eventually ends up in the docking bay, flanked by Dragonspit and Rhuemwight, both with hands tight around their weapons. Ezra steps onto the dockng bay, his strike cruiser very obvious in the background just outside the docking bay. Two Space Marines were at his sides, Failther and Asad, the both of them giving Drake and Dragonspit venomous looks.

Failther: Well well..  
Asad: If it isn't Drake and Nyte.  
Dragonspit: Dont' call me that name..  
Asad: After we had to destroy Ildstor for nearly becoming a traitor, the two of you escaped out grasp.  
Drake: Shhh! Your spoiling the plot for Paint It Black.  
Ezra: This entire series is technically a spoiler for Paint it Black. You fall to Chaos, Dragonspit goes with. Tlanextic has revealed being a failure and bound to you like a Daemon and Tlanextic trapped the Chaos Dragon for reasons unknown until you set him free.  
Drake: Wow. Your more aware of events than I am.  
Ezra: I check for Misadventures updates daily. Vyce needs to update more.  
Drake: Shh. You'll bring him down here.  
Failther: So why the secrecy from your peers?  
Drake: I mean to destroy the both of them, or at least detain them. As apparently if I die he dies and vice versa. And then I'll has mastery over the entire legion.  
Dragonspit: Shouldn't you not be revealing your weaknesses to your enemies?  
Drake: They're not our enemies anymore.  
Dragonspit: Hm.. If you say so.  
Ezra: So why need us?  
Drake: I'm not sure who is loyal to whom in my Legion. the Chaos Dragon has a following and personal subjects and allies, and so does the Sorcerer.  
Failther: Are you sure you should be trusting us so soon?  
Ezra: Shush!  
Drake: Oh no.. You see.. Your not in the Legion yet.. Induction occurs on Draconis.

Ezra jawdrops.

Ezra: Your personal Daemonworld?  
Asad: Knowing the location would be.. advantageous.  
Dragonspit: Why?  
Ezra: So we can get to it for induction of course!  
Drake: Of course! Come. You need to see it, don't you.  
Dragonspit: My Lor-  
Drake: Not now. I'm busy. Ezra, signal your fleet to follow. We're going into the warp.

Ezra nods.

Ezra: Prepare the warp drives for my arrival...  
Drake: No. We're going. Now.  
Ezra: Now?  
Drake: Now!

Suddenly, sirens go off, the docking bay door slams shut and the ship translates into Warp Space, with Lord Drake cackling. Bloodletters appear on the docking bay, and quickly disarm the Black Dragons.

Drake: You see my friends.. now that you and your friends are all here. I can torment your Space Marines and force them to turn, or otherwise steal their geneseed. Or even better, pervert them and control their minds and brainwash. You have no idea what sorts of things my 'priests' can do to you. And I'm forcing you three to watch the entire horrifying process.  
Ezra: What?  
Drake: Trust me? I'm Chaos, and insane. If anything you should have tried to kill me, but now I have the entire chapter bent on knee and eventually, only loyal to me. You've made a mistake old friend.  
Failther: No! NO! This wasn't supposed to happen.  
Drake: And what were you going to do? Gain my trust and THEN create my downfall? I'm not stupid. Turnabout is fair play. Take them away to the brig, and made the dragon and the Sorceror think all is well.  
Dragonspit: Yes my Lord.

Dragonspit gestures towards the bowels of the Battleship, the Bloodletters nod and carry off their struggling prey. Lord Drake cackles, then turns to head back to the bridge, where the dragon and the sorcerer are busy with cookies.

Tlanextic: Well?  
Drake: Taken care of. We're heading home.  
Vyce: That was fast.. What are the-  
Drake: They're coming with for conversion at Draconis.  
Tlanextic: The entire chapter?  
Drake: Or what's left of it anyway. This has been my dream, to finally unite the Black Dragons with the Black Draconis, and commence my plans to get revenge on the Inquisition, it's beautiful really.

Vyce and Tlanextic exchange glances, Vyce shrugs and Tlanextic nods, tapping his Serpent Staff on the ground. The shaft of the staff itself was simple, but the design features two winged serpents coiled around the length, and body, wings, and heads facing each other at the head of the staff. The eyes of the serpents glowed an eerie red, a sign of it's warp powers.

Tlanextic: Very well, lets head back...  
Drake: Meantime, let me watch my soaps.  
Dreadnought: Billy Mays here, and I've got someth-  
Drake: That man amuses me...


	55. Episode 55: The Beginning of the End

**Lord Drake Misadventures 55**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009.

On the Daemon World Draconis...

The Dragon's haste and her fleet have landed, with the enslaved Space Marine vessels in tow. The Dragon's Haste sits outside the Main Fortress, the rest of them still in belief that their master plan to remove the taint of Black Draconis from their names is still going on. Something that Lord Drake didn't bother to correct, as it seemed each and every one of them thought that things were going as well.

Drake: Isn't this beautiful?  
Vyce: Isn't what beautiful?  
Drake: A long line of Space Marines, off to their doom for death, conversion, brainwashing, or more gruesome deaths.  
Tlanextic: Some of the new growths on these are disturbing..  
Drake: Well, out Apothecaries were secretly tampering with the gene-seed, the Tech Priests of Mars were sent dummy gene-seed to throw them off or they would have noticed.  
Vyce: So.. Technically the Inquisition has fair reason to destroy your chapter.  
Drake: Well, depends, other Chapters have done the same, but it was all to improve our combat abilities. As you can see, some of them has taken the same path our Chaos Marines have.. Wings, sharper claws, dense plates of protective exoskeletons, I suppose we weren't far off from what they were doing...  
Tlanextic: Genetic manipulation, funny what happens to Chapters created after the Emperor and left to their own designs...

Vyce snorts.

Vyce: So where's Icil?  
Drake: She's talking with the Black Dragons Command Structure imprison deep in the fortress. Why?  
Vyce: Been trying to keep tabs on her, she's been acting strangely ever since the Black Dragons showed up to surrender.  
Tlanextic: Relax. She's been on our side for ages, I thought she was a friend of yours?  
Vyce: That was before I went to Chaos.  
Drake: What were you before?  
Vyce: That's not important.  
Drake: Come now. It's been 55 episodes, lets get some more character history going.  
Tlanextic: Especially since he's doing it too.  
Vyce: Meh, it's NOT important. I have other business elsewhere.

Vyce growls and leaps down from the tower, landing on the ground and stalking into the fortress.

Drake: What's with him?  
Tlanextic: I'm not sure.. Touchy subject?  
Drake: Maybe he was a loyalist once.  
Tlanextic: Him? I doubt it.

Elsewhere, in the fortress dungeons.

Dragonspit: And do something with this thing!  
Dreadnought: But that's not all, if you call now you'll get one. Two. Three. THREE extra gifts for the little children. Great for your Chaos aunt and uncle, and perfect for the whole family.  
Rhuemwight: Does this thing ever shut up?  
Dragonspit: Wasn't there a way to turn it off.  
Techpriest Roy: And piss off the Void Dragon? I think not.  
Dragonspit: I thought your kind was all about the Machine Spirits and the Omnissah and all that.  
Roy: Yeah. The Void Dragon. I hear he missed his alarm clock on Mars.  
Dragonspit: Too much snooze button?  
Roy: Something like that, especially since the Tech Priests of Mars is trying to keep him sleeping and using him as an energy source for STCs.  
Dragonspit: So again, how do we turn him off?

Eldrad appears, Itsu in tow.

Eldrad: Ah-HAH! I finally found you!  
Dreadnought: What?  
Dragonspit: How'd you get in here?  
Eldrad: It's a Eldar thing.  
Itsu: Actually we snuck in last week and built a Webway gate in the basement.  
Eldrad: Itsu! Silence! Your supposed to be my bodyguard, not here to embarrass me.  
Itsu: Actually, my contract states I am free to do as I wish as long as your protected.  
Eldrad: But isn't i-

The Chaos Dragon bounds from nowhere, in full feral non-anthro form, towering over all the others and crashes into Eldrad, pinning down.

Vyce: Ahh.. Eldrad.. I've actually been expecting you.  
Eldrad: This wasn't about me stealing one of your ex-boyfriends was it?  
Vyce: ... What?  
Eldrad: It isn't?  
Vyce: I didn't know.. Wait.. huh.. What.. Who?

Itsu swings his massive sword and it collides into Vyce, causing him to roar and whip around, batting Itsu aside as if it were a paper doll, coiling his tail around Eldrad.

Vyce: Anyway, I need you specifically out of my way.  
Eldrad: Out of your way? Why?  
Vyce: Not telling, but it's very important the official retconner and his pet needs to.. disappear...

Vyce cackles, and the view fades to black, and then refocuses on Lord Drake cackling while Ezra watches in horror as his Space Marines are detained under gunpoint. Some of them run, other try to fight, others are forced down. The lucky ones die in the process. While the others are forced for mind-rotting...

Defiler: It's a small world after all... It's a small world after all..  
Ezra: I don't see how you can stand watching.  
Drake: I'm far too gone to be affected.. *twitches*  
Ezra: Ah-hah!  
Drake: Shush you. It's so terrifying it takes a Slaaneshi to not be fully affected.  
Defiler: I love you.. you love me...  
Drake: It could be worse.  
Ezra: How?  
Drake: Corrack and Arafalas.

As if on cue, screaming.

Ezra: No... No.. this is too much...  
Drake: Slowly I break your mind... You know.. I never figure something out.. Did you ever prove the Inquisition did it?  
Ezra: Actually. I kinda forgot about that.  
Drake: What!? Our Chapter dwindling to nothing and you don't bother to think maybe it's their fault for sending us off to crazy missions? I think they made it rather obvious when they memoed a mission called "Operation Little Bighorn" and "Operation Alamo"? Or even "Operation Hydrophobia"?  
Ezra: I remember that mission, that one was fun..  
Drake: Fun? Fun!? We almost DROWNED.  
Ezra: Come on, we were fighting those submarine looking things.  
Drake: GRAH! I HATED THEM! They.. they desecrated my armor with Low Fat muffins!  
Failther: Uhh.. Aren't Muffins already low fat?  
Drake: Um. Fun size M&Ms?  
Failther: THE HORROR! I remember, I was allergic to M&Ms!  
Ezra: Failther, we were underwater with Power Armor, I don't think that'd be a problem.  
Failther: They were seeking me.. Seeking me... Graaaaah....

Failther suddenly snaps and spazzes, twitching and sucking on his thumb, rocking on the floor.

Drake: Hm. They don't make Space Marines like they used to. Oh well, convert him and unbreak his mind.  
Ezra: how does the whole conversion thing work?  
Drake: Well, you see, we break their minds with the sheer horror of horrors, and then we just.. repaint the armor.  
Ezra: What!?

A few cultists scamper in, and add red trim to Failther's armor and then drag him away. Another Black Dragons Marine stares at his new paint job in horror.

Space Marine: Noo.. No... NOOO!!!  
Ezra: How the hell does that work?

Lord Drake shrugs, Icil enters the room, looking amused.

Icil: My Lord?  
Drake: Icil, finally, someone I can trust. Take the three of them to the prepared room, so they can watch every moment while I get to go back and enjoy my Milkshake.

Icil nods and snaps her fingers, Chaos Space Marines walk into view the take away the three commanders of the Black Dragons.

Drake: Everything is going well.. Excellent..  
Rhuemwight: My Lord, we have a transmission from the Inquisition.  
Drake: how the hell did they call us?  
Rhuemwight: Uhm. Corrack wrote on a wall somewhere in Imeprial Territory saying "For a good time, call Lord Drake at..."  
Drake: That fool. He's gone too far. What do they want?  
Rhuemwight: Well...

++++From the Ordos Heretiocus+++++  
Lord-Inquisitor Fairwyth

Dear Heretics, (For I am far too important to name you, and your far too unimportant to talk to or name in the first place.)

I am Fairwyth, I believe you may have remembered me from a previous episode. However, if you don't, shame on you and read more.

While I am far too important to deal with trivial matters like yourself. It has come to my attention that we can finally eradicate your heretical chapter once and for all. As I'm sure you remember we tried so hard to stretch your usefulness once and for all.

We've also been hunting down the Emperor, so if you see him drop me a line and we can figure things out over lunch or tea or something.

xoxoxo  
Fairwyth.

PS: I'm not really sure how to use this thing, one of my friends told me I should sign with xoxoxo and for some reason he's giggling from behind my shoulders. I must have broke protocol.  
PSS: Oh look, now he's laughing harder, I believe I might be doing something wrong with this fancy new communication thingy.  
PSSS: I figured out why he's laughing, and since have convicted him of "Heresy by laughing at an Inquisitor." I mounted his contraption on the wall for all to see, as I'm very important.  
PSSSS: I hope you'll enjoy my present that'll be on cue in three.. two.. one..  
+++++++++++++++BEHOLD! CORN!+++++++++++++++++++

Drake: Present?

The Fortress rocks and explodes, the sound of cheering Space Marines can be heard, and a battle cry sounding from Captain Ezra.

Ezra: DEATH WAKES!  
Black Dragons: WAR CALLS!  
Icil: DEATH WAKES!  
Black Dragons: WAR CALLS!

Lord Drake stares out his new 'window' in the side of the fortress, blinking.

Drake: Oh bloody hell.


	56. Episode 56: Black Holes and Revelations

**Lord Drake Misadventures 56**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

The Fortress shakes and explodes a few more times in several areas.

Drake: Well so much for the tea party at 1600. I'll have to apologize to Mr. Snugglesworth and his wonderful friends again for missing it. I'm sure they'll understand. An if not. Well... I'm a Chaos Lord.  
Tlanextic: So Icil was loyal to them after all..  
Drake: Seems so.  
Tlanextic: Where the hell is Vyce? You think he'd be around during this.

Lord Drake shrugs.

Drake: Not my problem right now... I'm more concerned about their secret weapon secreted in the basement.  
Tlanextic: So.. What is the secret weapon?  
Drake: I don't know. I tried to ask Roy and Roy just told me he didn't know, it's a secret.  
Tlanextic: We're in the middle of a break out, and you have no idea what their or our secret weapon is?  
Drake: Wasn't that Vyce?  
Tlanextic: He's not exactly secret, now is he?  
Drake: This is true.  
Tlanextic: So where is it located?  
Drake: That's a secret too! D:  
Tlanextic: Is it possible Roy lied to you and we don't really have a secret weapon?  
Drake: No. Why would Roy lie to me. I trust him.  
Tlanextic: And you trusted Icil?  
Drake: Hm..

Rhuemwight walks up from the stairwell of the Fortress tower, aheming.

Drake: What do you want?  
Rhuemwight: I've been under your boot for too long my Lord. It's about time I revealed who I truly am.  
Tlanextic: A good for nothing cultist?  
Drake: A Robot from the future sent back in time to assassinate John Conner to prevent him from the machine uprising?  
Rhuemwight: No!  
Drake: An unstable cultist ready to explode for no reason at all and be reformed by Khorne for his amusement?  
Rhuemwight: Well.. that's kinda accurate.  
Tlanextic: Weak and frail?  
Rhuemwight: Maybe. I'm actually an Inquisitor.  
Drake: That's a load of garbage right there.  
Tlanextic: I'm skeptical that our comic relief cultist is -really- an inquisitor.  
Rhuemwight: I've been undercover for years. Remember when that one Inquisitor was here, saying he wanted to join us?  
Drake: yeah?  
Rhuemwight: And remember how I exploded on him?  
Tlanexitc: Yes.  
Rhuemwight: I made sure he wouldn't be a problem. I know your ways, I know where everything is.  
Drake: So do you know where the secret weapon is?  
Rhuemwight: What secret weapon?  
Drake: I don't know. It's a secret.  
Tlanextic: Your hopeless.  
Drake: That still doesn't explain you coming back to life after dying. Or Spleens.  
Rhuemwight: Welll... You have me there. I have no idea either. But regardless it's been fun, but I need to destroy the both.. of.. you?

Drake has Rhuemwight lifted by the neck with the gloves of his armor, snorting and holding him over the edge of the tower.

Drake: You don't scare me cultist.  
Rheumwight: That's Lord Inquisitor Rhuemwight to you!  
Drake: Yeah yeah, you don't scare me.

Drake drops Rhuemwight, and he begins falling to his death.

Drake: That takes care of that.

Five minutes later, while outside and inside the fortress, a fight for the fate of the Black Dragons and Black Draconis continue. Troops here and there, the Chaos Dragon nowhere in sight, Lord Drake watching from the tower, Tlanextic leaving to summon Tzeentchi Daemons, explosions and vehicles humming to life.

Rhuemwight: I hate these stairs.  
Drake: Come to fall again?  
Rhuemwight: I have friends.  
Drake: Friends?

Ezra and Icil step onto the top of the tower, Icil licking her lips, and Ezra with his chainsword roaring.

Ezra: It's time to put an end to this...  
Icil: Your time is over Lord Drake. The Imperium is ready to strike every major Chaos planet, Black Legion, Alpha Legion, Word Bearers, and many other legions. You need to fall first, for being the only one to lead a Crusade to victory over Cadia.  
Drake: Well first of all...

Before anyone can move, Drake throws Rhuemwight over the edge again, and the newly revealed Inquisitor screams to his death, and screams about his liver.

Drake: And where is Tlanextic. Where is Vyce? Tlanextic should be here.  
Icil: Him and I negotiated you being detained. What he didn't know was that we're going to kill you instead and Tlanextic will go with him.  
Ezra: As for Vyce, we haven't seen the Chaos Dragon either.  
Drake: Very strange...  
Icil: But we have you outnumbered...  
Drake: Well before you try to kill me.. I was always wondering.. Where do you dragons come from?  
Icil: We-  
Ezra: Don't answer him, the heretic doesn't need to know.  
Icil: But..  
Ezra: No.  
Icil: Oh come on! I want to do the revealing.  
Drake: What the hell are you two talking about?  
Ezra: It's classified.  
Icil: Need to know basis.. And you don't need to know.  
Drake: When I find this out, it better be important or I'll be disappointed.  
Icil: You won't be.  
Ezra: You've fallen too far brother, there is no turning back.  
Drake: But the Inquisition just admitted to betraying us! The entire chapter? Are you STILL blind to the truth?  
Ezra: I'm not blind to the truth... I think I'm turning the chapter renegade.. The Emperor is right, the Imperium is too corrupt. It needs to be destroyed.  
Drake: But we have the same goals!  
Ezra: We do.. But your at the mercy of a higher power. The Chaos Gods.  
Drake: So be it! Have at me!

Lord Drake growls, chain axes roaring, Ezra smirks and leaps forward. The two pass each other and hit each other Japanese stand-off style. Except Ezra lept too far and fell the hell off the tower. Lord Drake stops and turns, stunned, even with a gaping hole in his power armor. Icil stares for a moment.

Drake: Huh. I could have sworn we installed a rail guard there.  
Icil: But.. Why.. Huh?

Icil recomposes herself and leaps off to go to catch Ezra.

Drake: This is almost too easy.. Heh.. That hole isn't supposed to be there...

Tlanextic arrives back on the tower, hissing as if he were in pain.

Tlanexitc: Those.. Those fools.

Drakee stands back up, walking over to the Sorceror.

Drake: YOU! You meant to betray me. Steal my legion!  
Tlanextic: My Lord. I can explain!  
Drake: Explain this!

Lord Drake raises the bolter hoisted on his side, and fires. Tlanextic stares at Lord Drake, a shocked expression on his face.

Drake: You don't DARE betray me. Nobody will. NOBODY!  
Tlanextic: But my Lord... You.. you need me..  
Drake: I need noone by my side! No one.

Dragonspit walks in at the wrong time. Drake stares.

Drake: no! no! Thjat snot what I meant.  
Tlanextic: My Lord... I wasn't planning on it.. They.. They lied.. They're trying to break apart the legion. Break apart the command structure. Don't you get it?

Drake sighs softly.

Drake: I would expect better than you. I expected the backstabbing... I built this legion with my own hands. My own sweat, blood, and tears. I admit to try to get rid of you too Tlanextic.. But I've realized this legion is like a family to me, the command structure.. Everything.. And now I've killed my Chief Advisor.. I'm some sort of monster.  
Dragonspit: My lord. Isn't this not the best time to be having a meaningful and emotional time about your feelings of all of us?  
Drake: No.. no. I must make a speech. I don't care what's going on. I know we're Chaos, but I have heartfelt feelings for all of you. Your like a borther to me, kids even. Rampaging about and killing in the name of Khorne. I think it's time we stopped screwing around and finally took our revenge on the Inquisition and the Imperium. I say we mop up this mess and take the fight to them!  
Dragonspit: Amen to that.  
Tlanextic: my Lord.. I'm still dying from a massive chest wound.  
Drake: I think I have a solution..  
Tlanextic: What?  
Drake: You'll see...

Later, Ezra and Icil make it back to the top of the tower, followed by Rhuemwight.

Rhuemwight: You idiots! Now where the hell did they go? I've been tormented for too long while working undercover and it's about time I killed somebody over it too.  
Ezra: It's not my fault they didn't install guard rails up here. It's a small tower.  
Icil: But it does make a good spot for a running joke.  
Rheumwight: Running joke?

Icil nods, and shoves Rhuemwight off the tower.

Ezra: Shouldn't we like.. Detain him? Since you know.. we ARE now officially against the Inquisition.  
Icil: Where's the fun in that?  
Ezra: You derive a sick pleasure from it?  
Icil: I have my own reasons against the Inquisition, as does Vyce.  
Ezra: Really?  
Icil: Yeah.. Let me tell you...

Elsewhere...

Drake: This place has been here since I got here.. This better work...

Lord Drake looks around, in the deepest and dustiest bowels of the Black Draconis fortress, staring at a stone door coated in glowing runes, a creepy glow coming from inside.

Dragonspit: What better work?  
Drake: Well....

Suddenly, the stone doors burst open, and the silhouette of something large coems into view, the red glow behind it masking it's features. The first thing coming into focus, and looking at the red glow at the moment hurt the eyes, was a large staff, bestowed with the Mark of Tzeentch all over it, but still held the iconry, holding at it's head pair of serpents, twisted in the form of Tzeentch's holy icon. A clawed, bird-like foot stomps out from the door, a creature coated in feathers. Neck and head ending in a raptor-lick wicked beak, massive feathered wings sprouting out from it's back.

Tlanextic: BEHOLD! I HAVE ASCENDED! BY THE WILL OF TZEENTCH THE IMPERIUM OF MAN WILL FALL.  
Drake: Oh.. wow... That worked better than planned.  
Tlanextic: ALL WILL FALL! BLACK DRACONIS WILL BE VICTORIOUS! AND.. And... Do I smell girl scout cookies?

The trio whip around, Icil is there. She smiles innocently, holding a plate. Ezra stares at the new Tlanextic, jaw dropping. A squad of Black Dragon Space Marines gawk at the new Greater Daemon Tlanextic.

Ezra: What in the name of the God-Emperor!?  
Icil: Is that.. Tlanextic?  
Tlanextic: Foolish mortals.. TZEENTCH CALLS FOR YOU!  
Dragonspit: I suggest fleeing.  
Drake: I suggest staying put.


	57. Episode 57: Death wakes

**Lord Drake Misadventures 57**  
By: Vyce Dryke 2009

Ezra: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!  
Icil: He bravely ran away?  
Ezra: Something like that..

In one clawed hand, a crackling ball of warp-energy quickly forms and explodes into the shocked squad of Space Marines. Armor, limbs, weaponry, (and is that a spleen? Nah...) Fly everywhere.

Tlanextic: Nothing stands in my way. You are now my playthings!

Tlanextic cackles, using his fell powers to...

Space Marine 1: Hey.. Hey Bob.  
Space Marine 2: What Slim?  
Slim: I want you.  
Bob: Slim. What the hell is wrong with you?  
Slim: Come on Bob. You know you've always wanted it.  
Bob: Slim. No... Slim. God dammit Slim.

Slim tries to feel Bob up. Bob answers with a Bolter round to the face.

Drake: That's.. That's hilarious.  
Dragonspit: That's not like you...  
Tlanextic: This is the new me.. Unfettered. Nothing to hold me down. I have wings man! Wings!  
Space Marine 3: FREEBIRD!  
Bob: Dammit Jim.

Bob bolter rounds Jim. He falls over.

Ezra: Pull together! Open fire! OPEN FIRE!

Suddenly all the Space Marines unfreeze, leaping for cover and fire rounds at the Chaos trio. Drake and Dragonspit dodge out of the way, reaching for their own weapons and returning fire. Tlanexitc snorts and raises his staff, it glows and the bolter round being fire stop in mid-air, dark energies keeping them from moving. The Black Dragons stare as their bolter shells suddenly fire back at them, exploding cover and power armor alike. The now Greater Daemon Tlanextic cackles and steps forward, another gesture with his staff causing flesh to burn and change, twisting into savage lookalikes before rupturing skin and bones.

Ezra: On second thought.. Pull back! Get to the Battle Barge! Let's get the hell out of here!  
Icil: Agreed!

Icil gestures, and Ezra does too, and they fall back and run up the stairs.

Tlanextic: RUN COWARD!

They all go up the stairs, Tlanexitc relaxes, and starts laughing.

Tlanextic: I'm not sure why you turned this down and then gave it to mr Lord Drake. I'm just brimming with explosive power.. I can do anything.. Anything!!!!  
Drake: Can you lick your elbow?

Tlanextic blinks and stares with his new predatory eyes, and considers this. And then tries vainly to lick his elbow.

Dragonspit: That doesn't look like it's working.  
Drake: HAH! You can't do anything. Epic fail.  
Tlanextic: I said anything, not everything.  
Drake: what's the difference?  
Tlanextic: Huh?  
Drake: What's the difference? People act like anything and everything are two different things.  
Tlanextic: Anything is any thing whatever, any such thing.  
Drake: I know that. But what about everything?  
Tlanextic: Everything is all that exists.  
Drake: But what's the difference!?  
Dragonspit: My Lord. it's the difference between 'Anything I want' and 'I want everything.  
Drake: But them anything I want becomes everything. Anything can be everything.  
Tlanextic: Not always. "Anything I want, not everything."  
Drake: Your about to get me angry over your grammar lessons.  
Tlanextic: You're.  
Drake: SHUT UP!  
Dragonspit: So uhm.. Should we catch up with them?  
Tlanextic: On it.

Tlanextic vanishes with a poof of feathers everywhere.

Drake: Bird brain.  
Tlanextic: I heard that!  
Drake: Good for nothing, leaving us here to walk.  
Tlanextic: You could have asked.  
Drake: Well I'm asking! And keep your feathers away from me Raven-man.

They vanish, leaving the room empty.

Elsewhere...

Outside the fortress, a defense line of Chaos Space Marines and cultists cut off the Black Dragons from escaping to their ships. Holes were punched in the line, but cultists kept coming. Las-fire and bolter-fire streak at both sides, some rounds hitting and making tiny craters on the hull of the Battlebarges and The Dragon's Haste herself. Ezra and Icil could be seen and spotted, and the Dragon's Haste's engines begin to roar to life, going to take off to prevent escape, and if her current crew was smart enough, knock out the Battle Barges and other Black Dragons ships. War cries from both sides ring out, and some Black Dragons look in dread as The Dragon's Haste begins to take off.

Ezra: Get to either the Battlebarges or take any of the Chaos Ships! Here come more Berserkers!  
Icil: Brace yourselves!

An explosion graces no mans land, and as it fades the outline of the new and improved Tlanextic translates into reality. Everything stops, the bolter fire, the screams, and everyone stares at the Greater Daemon.

Tlanextic: What? Is there something on my face?  
Ezra: Icil.. He caught up with us. What should we do?  
Icil: Why are you asking me? Your the Chapter Master here.  
Ezra: Your a dragon. Shouldn't you be smart?  
Icil: Something like that. So why's that guy standing in front of you?  
Ezra: Know how us officers don't wear helmets?  
Icil: Yeah?  
Ezra: It's a rule written in the Codex Astartes. So, as protection, I have this guy with a helmet in my way to save my face from problems. This guy wears a helmet, doesn't have a name, and isn't important enough for a history.  
Icil: So basically a red shirt?  
Ezra: Something like that.  
Icil: Are you sure your on the right side here?  
Ezra: I'm not sure... I think after this we go renegade and hang out with those other two Chapters. Maybe some tea.  
Icil: IF we survive.

Tlanextic shrugs, and throws a ball of warp energy into the crowd of Space Marines, they go flying, the guy in front of Ezra takes the full brunt of the explosion and Ezra is unharmed.

Ezra: Alright. This is it! We all choose how we die, and we die in the name of the Emperor! May he not look upon us in shame if we are cut down by the enemy.  
Icil: DEATH WAKES!  
Space Marines: WAR CALLS!

As one, the Space Marines leap from cover, and rush forward to the Battlebarge. A loud whining noise is heard as The Dragon's Haste powers up it's weapons. The Chaos Space Marines seems to snap out of their focus on Tlanextic, and wades into the wave of Space Marines.

Ezra: Move and fire! Move and Fire! Ignore the Daemon, just focus on opening a hole in the Chaos limes... Yes. Limes.

Chaos Lime1: Why hello there.  
Ezra: What the devil?  
Lime2: How are you today?  
Ezra: Get out of my way!  
Lime1: I'm afraid I can't let oyu do that Dave.  
Ezra: My name is not Dave... Icil?

Icil shrugs, and rips the lime apart, it falls over, dying.

Lime1: Daaaavey.... Daaavey.. Daaa...  
Lime2: Oh my god. You killed limey.  
Tlanextic: You bastard!  
Lime2: He was always such a good lime.. Why did you have to go.. Why!?  
Lime1: I REGERET NOTHING!  
Limne2: I REGRET EVERYTHING!

Lime 2 commits limicide, and a nearby Space Marine dies from the bad pun. Tlanextic bounds towards the Chapter Master and the Dragon, the two of them notice and return to focusing on the Chaos LINES. Sans horrible typo that caused the previous section. Don't ask, you'll live longer. Space Marines fall in the charge, but so does an equal number of Chaos Space Marines.

Drake: STOP THEM! Where the devil is the Chaos Dragon? I'll have his head for this!  
Tlanextic: He should return soon...  
Drake: Well don't just stand there! Do something!

Tlanextic hmms, tossing about Space Marines like puppets with his new Daemonic powers, cackling loudly and slowly advancing on Ezra and Icil. Icil freezing Space Marines here and there and shattering them like glass. Ezra knocking things aside with his chainsword. Several Space Marines barely make it.

Icil: It just occured to me.. where's the crew?  
Ezra: Oh hells.  
Icil: What're we going to do?  
Ezra: We'll have to fly her manually!

Despite being mid-combat, all the Space Marines gasp.

Ezra: What?  
SM: No offesne Sir, but your the worst pilot in the chapter.  
Ezra: Would you rather go back for the crew?  
SM: Good point Sir. But it still stan-

The SM explodes from a warp blast.

Ezra: You know what.. Let's just go. RUN! RUN!!

The two almost make it to the Battle Barge. And at this point The Dragon's Haste opens fire and the Black Dragon Battle Barge explodes, as nothing was up to prevent the blasting, and every single ship-to-ship weapon hits it's target and the Battlebarge crumbles and collapses. It opens fire again, and SMs explode and debris flies everywhere. It was looking grim for the Black Dragons. Were they to be rounded up and destroyed?

Tlanextic: Now.. Now.. We shall end you..

Tlanexitc cackles, powering up a warp blast and tossing it. Ezra and Icil dodge out of the way. Ezra runs up to Tlanexitc who snorts and bats Ezra away with his staff, imprinting the mark of Tzeentch on his forehead. Ezra falls away, stunned and shocked. Icil comes from behind, but Tlanextic's turns around with Daemonic speed and rakes her with his claws. She gasps, rubbing her wounds but still running towards the sorcerer, leaping and biting down on his arm. She regrets it as Tlanextic growls and snaps at her with his beak, hissing and snarling. Icil quickly lets go and drops to the ground. Ezra rubs his forehead blinking.

Ezra: What's this? Mark of Tzeentch? What does this mean...  
Tzeentch: Greetings mortal...  
Ezra: What? Voices in my head?  
Tzeentch: No. This is Tzeentch you idiot.  
Slaanesh: Tzeentch baby. What're you doing?  
Tzeentch: I'm on the phone! Go away!  
Slaanesh: Talking to your boyfriend?  
Tzeentch: Slaanesh. Back off. It's just a random space marine.  
Slaanesh: Random? I didn't know you did booty calls.  
Tzeentch: SLAANESH! I'm busy! Go harass Khorne or something.  
Slaanesh: But it's more fun to harass you.

Tzeentch sigh and palmfaces.

Tzeentch: I'll just ignore you then. Greetings mortal. I am Tzeentch. For some reason you have been bestown the Mark of Tzeentch.  
Ezra: So?  
Tzeentch: Your technically now mine.  
Ezra: Never.  
Tzeentch: Oh come on, it'll be fun! Unlimited power to destroy your enemies. You'll be able to destroy the Imperium AND Black Draconis.\  
Ezra: I didn't listen to your lies then, and I won't now. Be gone!  
Tzeentch: Sheesh. Fine. I'm gone.

It goes silent, the mark of Tzeentch vanishes.

Ezra: That was eas-

Ezra yelps as Icil slams into him, bruised and heavily wounded.

Tlanextic: It's time to finish this... I promise your deaths will be swift.  
Ezra: For... For the Empra...

Tlanextic cackles, warp energy crackles. And everything goes black.

Later...

Black Draconis more or less mopped up the Black Dragons. Ezra and Icil are listed a MIA/KIA, and the rest or either killed or captured. Death being a preferred choice, as they were given worse fates inside the fortress and elsewhere across the Daemon world. With the Black Dragons more or less dissolved. What would come next?

Drake: Today, the Black Dragons. Tomorrow.. THE IMPERIUM! PREPARE FOR TERRA. SOL SHALL BURN!


	58. Episode 58: Gathering Storm

**Lord Drake Misadventures 58**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

Days had passed. For those days the legion prepared for war. Communications were grudgingly sent to Abbadon (With a PS asking for him to come with a dress) and the leaders of the original 8 Chaos Legions. The message was simple. Black Draconis, in it's entirety was mobilizing for war. There was an offer for any legions wanting to be known for destroying the Imperium to come along or stay home like the little girls they are (The Emperor's Children may have taken this literally. Kharn on the other hand was ready to slay someone else int he name of a commercial break, and as per the usual, was denied.). Mighty vessels, previously dead and dusty, hummed back to life with Daemonic powers.

Tlanextic was busy exploring the full extent of his new powers, on the other side of the planet. Lord Drake was busy organizing the troops, although why Tlanexitc would leave Drake to do that by himself was questionable. At least Dragonspit was there too. The Chaos Dragon, Vyce, was nowhere to be found. Rumor had it he jumped planet for elsewhere via the warp, as he was just at home there as any other would be. But it was unconfirmed and as of now he's MIA. A wraithlord was found, Itsu, mumbling about Eldrad being taken and MIA. It didn't matter to Lord Drake. The dragon was out of the way for now, and that's all that mattered.

The Briefing...

Drake: Is it possible that you could change back to normal so I can avoid the bird brain jokes?  
Tlanextic: I could change to my mortal form, but I would still have all my Daemonic powers. And I think this Daemon Prince one is growing on me.  
Drake: Has anyone kept tabs on Rhuemwight?  
Dragonspit: No sign of him Sir, he seems to have vanished without a trace with the Chaos Dragon.  
Tlanextic: Curios.  
Drake: Since you full Tzeentchi now, shouldn't you know everything?  
Tlanextic: I do, but I signed a non-disclosure agreement. I'm not allowed to talk about it. Just a-  
Drake: Yeah. Yeah. Just as planned. Just like you and your trade secrets.  
Tlanextic: Jus-  
Drake: NO! I won't have that from you. Alright. I have the plans.

Drake takes out a cardboard stand with construction paper all over it (Much like you'd see in a High School Science Fair. He stares for a moment.

Drake: Wait. Wrong plans.  
Dragonspit: That looks like a small moon.  
Tlanextic: That's no moon..  
Drake: That's not important.

Drake tosses away the plans labeled 'Death Star 101' and pulls up another cardboard stand.

Tlanextic: Is that in crayon?  
Drake: PURPLE CRAYON! It makes it more official.  
Tlanextic: No it doesn't.  
Drake: Yes it does.  
Tlanextic: Know what I think about that?  
Drake: what?

Tlanextic eats the cardboard display. Drake stares incredulously.

Drake: I SPENT ALL NIGHT ON THAT! My sweat, blood, and manly tears for Khorne!  
Dragonspit: Tears aren't manly.  
Drake: Shut up you. I didn't ask you to speak.  
Dragonspit: I didn't think I needed permission.  
Drake: You do now.  
Dragonspit: Damm-

Drake shoot Dragonspit in the boot, his hisses and hops around.

Drake: Do I make myself clear?

Dragonspit opens his mouth to say something, then shuts it, thinking better of it.

Drake: Good. Now. Any news of the dragon? I'm paranoid he's pulling something rash, raising an army, and then coming back here to destroy us al.  
Tlanextic: No sign.  
Dragonspit: He vanished.  
Drake: Well let's not let him hinder things. Dragonspit! Fetch me my purple crayon!  
Dragonspit: Yes My Lord.

Dragonspit leaves the room, then comes back with a box of crayons. Lord Drake looks over them hmming before grabbing a purple one and he startts drawing on the briefing table.

Tlanextic: What the hell are you doing?  
Drake: Shhshhshh.. Redrawing the plan. Okay. Here's the plan. We gather the fleet and make the jump to Terra. Tlanextic, are there any defenses to disrupt this plan?  
Tlanextic: Not that I know of.  
Drake: Right. So. This is the sol system, we'll show up here, right next to Terra.  
Tlanextic: So we're assaulting directly?  
Drake: Of coursE!  
Tlanextic: What about Mars? The Adeptus Mechanicus will sure-  
Drake: Mechanicus Schmamanicus. We'll have several legions with us. This will be the greatest battle since The Horus Heresy. Then we'll land, then we'll kill everything, and then throw a party and rub it in Vyce's face that he wasn't here during the carnage.

The Gathering...

The Mighty Chaos Fleet emerges at the Rendezvous point (Tlanextic nearly throttled Lord Drake while attempting to teach him how to say the 'fancy word') and all sorts of colors and banners were abound.. Including..

Corrack: HAI GUYS!  
Tlanextic: Oh god. No.  
Drake: Corrack. Funny to see you here. You DO know what we're up to right?  
Corrack: Yeah. My Dark Eldar friend pointed me to a webway gate in the basement and I found my way back home. Strange things those Eldar.  
Drake: Well Arafalas is pretty fruity.  
Corrack: Whoa. Tlanextic. You look different. Did you get glasses? Get your hair done? I can't tell.  
Tlanextic: I'm a Daemon Prince you fool.  
Corrack: Oh. Wow. I would have never guessed. So does that make you a birdbr-

In a blink of an eye, Tlanextic pins Corrack to the wall. Corrack stares, wide-eyed in shock, his mind insisting he should still be on the ground.

Tlanextic: No. Bird. Jokes.  
Corrack: Mommy!  
Drake: Sorcerer. Put him down.

Tlanextic hisses and does just that, recomposing himself and standing regally as Corrack flees to the other side of the room and hide behind Lord Drake.

Corrack: He's a big meanie..  
Drake: There there.. So. Again. You know why we're here.  
Corrack: Your throwing a huge fiesta?  
Drake: No.  
Corrack: We'r eon our way to a dance recital?  
Drake: No...  
Corrack: We're going to help Necron Michael Jackson for Triller II?  
Drake: Who? What? No!  
Corack: we're goi-  
Drake: No. We're going to invade Terra. Topple the seat of the Imperium, and maybe bag the Emperor while we're at it.  
Corrack: Great idea! I didn't know you guys were into Necrophilia.

Tlanextic groans and palmfaces, Drake shakes his head.

Drake: No. The Emperor is alive and up and about you idiot.  
Corrack: He is?  
Tlanextic: Quite so, in this existence.  
Drake: This existence?  
Tlanextic: If I explained it to you, your head would explode.  
Drake: Right then.  
Corrack: So then. Dibs on the hot chicks on Terra.  
Drake: Or... You could harass the Adepts Mechanicus.  
Corrack: The Machine Spirits are willing guys?  
Drake: Yeah.  
Corrack: I think the Angels of Esctacy may be suited for that.  
Drake: Excellent.

Abbadon's ugly mug appears on the view screen, Corrack takes this moment to return to his ship.

Drake: Your not in a tutu.  
Abbadon: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?  
Drake: Your not in a tutu.  
Abbadon: I'm in charge of the Chaos forces around here. NOT YO-

Abbadon's eyes land on the former mortal Tlanextic, waving a clawed hand.

Abbadon: What the hell? Your consorting with Tzeentchi daemons?  
Tlanextic: I'm the new Tlanextic you fool.

Another image squeezes it's way onto the viewscreen. Only seeing the top of a Chaos Space Marine helmet.

Chaos Lord: GET ME A FOOTSTOOL!

Rubric Marines are seen scrambling in the background, and Tlanextic groans when it clicks in his head who is there. Ahriman's head suddenly comes into view after a Rubric Marine runs back with one.

Ahriman: AH-HAH! I finally tracked you fools down. Now you shall face my wra-

Another transmission interrupts. Tlanexitc facepalms.

Drake: Sorry Abby-baby. But I'm busy. Ta ta for now. And be sure to get that tutu. RHUEMWIGHT!

Nothing happens, there is a long pause.

Drake: RHUEMWIGHT!?

Tlanextic facepalms. Drake seems to dim a little.

Drake: Rhuemwight...? Where's my favorite cultist to abuse? ...

Drake falls silent, Tlanextic gestures to cut the transmission with Abbadon, nodding for Dragonspit to drag Drake off, who has been acting unusually lately. Must be a plot side-effect.

Tlanextic: Anyway.  
Ahriman: MY LORD!  
Magnus: You still recognise me pawn. Very good.

Tlanextic gawks at the screen, and suddenly looked like a kid at a candy store, while with his favorite celebrity. Kinda like Drake and Kharn. Heh.

Tlanextic: Buh.. Uh... Eh...  
Magnus: Cat got your tongue little Sorcerer?  
Tlanextic: I'm a Daemon Prince now, I'm the same as you.  
Magnus: But still not a Primarch. I'm here to oversee this operation.

Tlanextic composes himself.

Tlanextic: Unnecessary. Lead your own forces as you see fit, but we're all in the same boat here and on the same side. Removing the Imperium is top importance. Backstabbing and powermongering to come later.  
Magnus: There is wisdom in your words Sorcerer.  
Tlanextic: You should keep your 'pet' on a tighter leash.

There is a loud whining sound and a Rubric Marine shatters, Ahriman looking like he was going to have an aneurysm, veins bulging.

Magnus: He has his uses. Much like yours.. Am i right?  
Tlanexitc; yes..  
Magnus: Excellent. Allow me to put Ahriman back in his place...

The transmission suddenly cuts, as with Ahriman's. Tlanextic shudders.

Tlanextic: The sooner all this mess is over, the better.

Tlanextic hisses, and the assembled cultists cower in fear. He may have well been the true Master of this legion now. If it weren't for that fool Lord Drake and Tzeentch's strange plans to keep him in power.

The Arrival...

Terra Observation Station 9631421

Guardsman 892: There's something strange on the readings sir.  
Commissar Steve: It's problably nothing, just the psyker going crazy again over his buddies getting sacrificed to the Emperor.  
IG 892: Maybe the Emperor wants more pizza. We've been missing out on the deliveries.  
Steve: Isn't he supposed to be dead?  
IG 892: Maybe. Maybe not. Been hearing about more stuff coming in, mostly Girl Scout Cookies. Doesn't make any sense.  
Steve: The Custodes are supposed to eat too.  
IG 892: All the same. So. What's up with the readings?  
Steve: Don't worry about it, another false alarm. Plenty of those around here.  
IG 892: So when were we expecting an Armada?  
Steve: What?

Steve eyes the readings, just then a massive number of Chaos Vessels appear, spewing out fighters, bombers, and assault boats. All different shapes and sizes.

Steve: What the devil? Sound the alarm!

Klaxons whirr, at the same time an Imperial fleet and her Space Marine escorts come into view form the other side of the planet, Mars answers with her own ships, massive planetary defense cannons moving to point at the Chaos Vessels. And a booming voice resounds across Terra.

Emperor: Let them come. Let them ALL come. I have been waiting a long time for this... Custodes! Assemble!  
Custodian-Captain George: Uhhh.... How do I turn the safety off?  
Emperor: Ugh...

The Emperor palmfaces and leaves the room to meet the Chaos forces.

Custodian Bob: Which way did he go George. Which way did he go?


	59. Episode 59: With PowerPoint Presentation

**Lord Drake Misadventures 59**  
By Vyce Dryke, 2009

Rhuemwight: Where are we going? Isn't this Terra?  
Eldrad: Why are you dragging me around?  
Vyce: Do I need to start biting people?

Vyce, Eldrad, and Rhuemwight are somehow on Mars, (the Void Dragon owed Vyce a favor for something WAY back) and had gotten lost in the labyrinth under Mars for an hour. This is assumedly because the Void Dragon wanted to be a bastard and brought them here under his own power. Except instead of being nice and dropping them off on the surface, he teleported them right under the surface of Mars. The point of Rhuemwight coming was his Inquisitorial Authority. Eldrad was just along for the ride because Vyce didn't trust him enough to retcon something largely important.

Vyce: You lot will find out soon enough. The Chaos Dragon has important work to do...

Up in orbit...

Drake: What do you mean he's expecting us?  
Tlanextic: Exactly what I said! Somehow he knew. But he didn't know when, I don't think the entire Imperial Fleet is here.  
Drake: But we can assume they're coming?  
Tlanextic: Likely. We don't have much time.  
Drake: Signal to att-  
Tlanextic: We don't need to. See? The other legions are already busy destroying things?  
Drake: THEN WHY AREN'T WE MOVING!? GET GOING!

A random cultist on the bridge pipes up.

Fulf: Uh. My Lord. She's not responding.  
Drake: FIX IT!

Another Cultist suddenly looks embarrassed.

Dok: My.. Lord.. I'm sorry. It appears I left the parking brake on.  
Drake: RAAAAAUGH!!!!

Zoom out, The Dragon's Haste shakes, zoom back in. There is blood everywhere and two less cultists on the bridge.

Drake: Clean this up! Immediatly. And someone disengage the parking brake.

The ship rumbles lowly, and Lord Drake smiles and watches Terra start moving further away.

Thok: Ooops. Had the silly thing in reverse.

Drake twitches, chainaxes roaring.

The Dragon's Haste and her fleet, being completely ignored by the Enemy because of being a 'minor' legion nobody usually saw as a threat, and were too busy with the 'prime evils' that represented the original traitors. Ironically, this was how Black Draconis got there first. The Dragon's Haste snakes past Imperial and Chaos ships alike, a few of the smaller vessels smashing harmlessly against her hull.

The ship knives her way directly to Terra, and some of the closer fleet elements woke up and moved to intercept. A few of them got taken out at ramming speed by a Draconis Daemon Cruiser and exploded, those were the lucky ones. The others that survived the initial impact got swarm with Khornate beserkers and Chaos Space Marines, flooding into the decks and knocking down Imperials alike. One particular ship was rammed, Chaos poured in. A battlebarge rammed the other side, and Traitor and Loyalist joined battle.

They finally met at the center, and then did epic battle over... Tea?

Space Marine: Dear me. It appears I cannot help myself. It's a tea table!  
Chaos Space Marine: Why the hell would there be a tea table, filled with yea, in the middle of a freaking Imperial Spaceship?  
Space Marine: I don't think I want to know.

A man wearing a big hat with a number card attached to it grins, a rabbit next to him.

The Mad Hatter: Good evening. Glad to see you have found.. This.  
CSM: What's this for?  
SM: I'm not sure...  
Mad Hatter: Why. It's your unbirthday.  
SM: Un.. birthday?  
Mad Hatter: Any day that is-  
Beserker: RAAAH!

Before anyone can move, a horde of Beserkers barrel in, led by Kharn the Betrayer himself.

Kharn: I'm crashing this party and taking over. I need to increase my Kill Counter.

And then all is descended into madness, the Mad Hatter laughing until his head was removed by chainaxe. Zooming out, several other vessels ram into the poor starship and more Traitors and Loyalist fill up the ship. Drake stares blankly on the viewscreen as the Dragon's Haste blasts by, follow closely by the carrier Deathwing. Tlanextic merely shakes his head, and the Dragon's Haste barely dodges a shot from Mars.

Tlanextic: So what do we do if one of hits us and we crashland into Terra and are forced to find another way off?  
Drake: That'll never happen.

The ship shakes.

Drake: I'm sorry Khorne! I love my ship. I'll give you more manly tears!  
Dragonspit: So does Khorne have an Emo stage or something?  
Drake: MANLY TEARS!

The ship keep going, Deathwing eventually stops in high orbit and begins dropping drop pods and massive transport vehicles. The planetery and orbital defenses shot down quite a few dro ppodsa nd other vehicles. They still land.. In peices. With the more lucky occupants getting out alive and unscratched. The Dragon's Haste, previously revealed to be one of the few Battleships able to go into orbit AND land on the ground safely, starts dipping into Terra's Atomosphere.

Elsewhere...

Emperor: So how are we going to do this this time?  
Calgar: Hm?

The Emperor is in a conference room, surrounded by the leaders of the Various Space Marine chapters.

Emperor: Remember how I tricked Horus into letting me on the ship?  
Lion El'Jonson: Huh?  
Roboute Guilliman: Go back to sleep Jonson.  
Jonson: Speak for yourself Ultramarine.  
Guilliman: I was busy healing my wounds!  
Jonson: I'm aware of that.  
Dante: Ladies. Ladies. Calm the hell down.  
Emperor: Thank you Dante. You remind me so much of Sanguinius, you know that?

Dante sighs.

Leman Russ: Meetings meetings meetings. What's next, a PowerPoint presentation?  
Emperor: Well now that you mention it...  
All: NO!  
Vladimir Pugh: It's how Rogal Dorn died... Death by PowerPoint.

Vladimir breaks down crying. Dozeph Imanol shakes his head and rubs his Brother's shoulder.

Emperor: Come on. I thought we liked these meetings. I was looking forward to this.  
Russ: Don't you think the Chaos Fleet over our heads is more important?  
Emperor: Hm... No?  
Vulkan: I came back for this? Isn't this supposed to be the end times, the final battle?  
Dante: My question is why isn't anyone shocked the Emperor is alive?

There's a long pause. The Emperor blinks.

Russ: Did you miss the Memo kid?  
Dante: I'm GROWN thank you.  
Emperor: Since we're not talking about important things. I suppose I'll choose myself. I'll duel every single Chaos Space Marine Lord until they're all gone. In a battle of their choosing.  
Guilliman: That's insane!  
Emperor: I'm the God-Emperor of Humanity. Anything you can do I can do better.

Custodian-Captain Alex walks in, and whispers something to the Emperor.

Emperor: What!? Our secret project is in danger?

Alex groans and whispers more.

Emperor: You mean the secret project nobody is supposed to know about?

Alex sighs and facepalms.

Emperor: Alright. Alright. Meeting adjourned, get out there and fight the good fight and all that. I'll be along shortly.

Later...

The Legions managed to land their commanders in the same area, with troops being dispersed all over Terra. The Space Battle was still going on overhead, Old Chaos Warships fighting with ancient Imperial one.

Abbadon: Alright. So here's the plan.  
Drake: *ahem* I'm in charge here.  
Ahriman: I'm in charge. I'll rend you in two.

Magnus growls and Ahriman calms down, looking up at Magnus fearfully.

Fulgrim: Alright kids, leave ol' shorty alone.

A Rubric marine shatters, and Magnus slaps Ahriman across the ground.

Perturabo: Mm. So good to be on this world again.. Especially for death.  
Kreig Acerbus: Yessss... Excellent.. I'll have my fun tormenting the residents of this city..  
Angron: Hahaahah.. Blood! BLOOD! BLOOOOOOOOOOD!

Angron runs off laughing, chainaxes roaring, followed by a mob led by Kharn. The remaining Chaos Primarch stare curiously. Mortarion adjust his monocle.

Mortarion: NURGLE!  
Abbadon: IN THE NAME OF HORUS I DEMAND OBEDIENCE.

The other Chaos Leaders snort, and walk up to Abbadon.

Fulgrim: I'm afraid not dear.  
Perturabo: In fact, the Chaos Gods have decreed that you be... Put in your place.  
Abbadon: What? Your going to kill me?  
Magnus: No. Worse.  
Abbadon: Worse?  
Kreig: Much worse.  
Fulgrim: Get 'im boys!

The group start to chase Abbadon around near the forming battle lines. Primarchs getting ready for war. Meanwhile Drake and Tlanextic watch what's going on.

Tlanextic: So.. An epic battle.. Think we're ready?  
Drake: I don't know, what does Tzeentch tell you?  
Tlanextic: Tzeench tells me I signed a non-disclosure agreement.  
Drake: DAMMIT!

A shout in the distance is heard.

Angron: READY OR NOT! HERE I COME!

Angron rushes onto the field, his forces coming right behind. Abbadon is seen running by, trying to tear a Tutu off of himself. Drake signals and across the line the Chaos Forces mobilize. The battle had begun.

Meanwhile.. Back on Mars.

Vyce: I found it. I finally found it.  
Rheumwight: Found what?  
Eldrad: Indeed..

With a heavy kick, the Chaos Dragon knocks down an Ancient door, previous sealed off from the outside world. Previous the door was covered and it seemed obvious people got out before without authorization. Vyce walks in, followed by the other two, and Vyce frown a bit as he looks around.

There are literally rows of tanks, filled with creatures of different colors, sizes, and whatever else. Eldrad walks up to one of the the tanks, and then gasps. Rhuemwight walks over and does the same, gasping. What was inside was a dragon, much like Vyce. Eldrad inspected other tanks, only to find the entire vault was filled with them.

Eldrad: No...  
Vyce: Yes. Welcome to one of the secret vaults of the Imperium, a project of the Inquisition and perhaps fell powers like the Void Dragon. This is where I originally came from before the project was canceled and stowed away for potential future usage. Myself, Icil, Keva, Zack, Snow, Fave, all the other dragons and Chaos Dragons. Came from here. We once fought for the Imperium before we escaped termination. They didn't want any active dragons left over.  
Eldrad: But what's the Story with Icil?  
Vyce: I suppose they let her back over with his mind wiped of everything except who I was...

Vyce walks up to a control panel, inspecting it.

Vyce: Rhuemwight. Come here. This was what I needed you for.  
Rhuemwight: I'm not betraying the Imperium.  
Vyce: Either you do or I'll forcefully extract it.

Vyce snaps his teeth.

Vyce: I'm sure your reviving won't save you from being eaten. I might not have to go hungry ever again.

Rhuemwight gulps and nods, walking to the panel. He meekly looks up at Vyce, who licks his fangs. Rheumwight sighs.

Rhuemwight: Something tells me I could have been better undercover..  
Vyce: Now! I promised myself I would come back here and free my kin. And from there extract revenge from the Imperium..

Vyce smirks, tapping his claws on the floor, keeping Rhuemwight on edge.

Vyce: And maybe.. Maybe.. Wrest control from these fools. Once and for all.

The console Rhuemwight is on clicks and whirrs, making various noises before the bubbles in the tanks rise, and one by one draconic eyes open. And then they forcefully shatter their tank...

Vyce smiles, pleased, and starts laughing. Eldrad and Rhuemwight gulp, Rhuemwight looking like he was going to wet himself...


	60. Episode 60: End Game

**Lord Drake Misadventures 60**  
By Vyce Dryke 2009

Drake: This is fun!

Tlanextic snorts, lifting up a Guardsman and snapping him in half with his beak. Seeming to become more violent since his transformation into a Daemon Prince, flaying souls left and right. Claws raking, and Daemonic Armor shrugging off blows and shots from bolters.

Drake: I mean. Look at all the bodies. People to maim, people to burn, people to kill.  
Tlanextic: Let see if we can keep up with Kharn and Angron eh?

Kharn and Angron, side by side and followed by their Beserker 'groupies', knocking around Loyalists and Traitors alike while they chase after someone or something on the battlefield. The lines more or less broke down and the entire line was a swirling Melee. Ahriman was having trouble, and from the looks of it the Space Wolves made a beeline to the Thousand Sons. The Imperial Fist and the Iron warriors predictably clashed. The Iron Hands and the Emperor's Children do the same. Across the line everything was more or less the same.

Ahriman: DON'T CALL ME SHORTY!  
Russ: Okay, Napoleon.

Ahriman literally picks up a Rubric marine and throws it at the Space Wolf with his powers. Russ's reflexes save him and he leaps out of the way. The poor Rubric Marine Shatters. An angry looking Magnus storms through, knocking Space Marines left and right, the Daemon Prince using his unfathomable powers to rend the souls of loyalist from their bodies and sacrifice them in the name of Tzeentch.

Magnus: This is for your insult to my Legion, Primarch.

Magnus twists, forming a tail with his monstrous powers and impaling another Marine, glaring at Russ.

Magnus: And I will find your precious Emperor and cleave him in two! And then perhaps we'll mount your corpse on a golden chair and make an idol out of you as well...  
Versian: And by corpse you mean penis  
McCarrick: Agreed

Russ and Magnus stop, and stare. Right there is a Ork Warboss, standing next to one of the Imperial blades.

Magnus: Isn't that a joke that Fulgrim would come up with?  
Fulgrim: I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST!  
Drake: VERSIAN! I knew I'd find you here!  
Versian: It's the final battle, you expect me to just stand around and watch while you sissies throw stuff at each other? Hardly. That and I heard your here. So we naturally need to come again and clean your clocks.  
Drake: My clock doesn't need cleaning!  
Tlanextic: Wrong sort of Clocks my lord.  
Drake: But we don't even own a clock!? Where do clocks fit into the Grim Darkness of the far future?  
Tlanextic: That's still not what he meant.  
Drake: I don't care what he meant. We don't need to tell time. We don't even need flashlights. Flashlights aren't grimdark. Neither are bright things.  
Tlanextic: But our las-based weaponry is bright.  
Drake: ALL SHINIES ARE NOW RETCONNED.  
Tlanextic: Your not Eldrad my Lord.  
Drake: Well I'll find him. Where are you Eldrad?

Lord Drake wanders off before Tlanextic can protest, bashing in skulls while a worried Dragonspit stays extra close, batting off enemies trying to kill him.

Speaking of Eldrad.

Vyce: Right. So dragon army.

There is loud stomping heard, and a pink dreadnought crashes through the already broken and busted door.

Brother Lame: None shall pass.

Vyce snorts, turning to look at the Dreadnought, the other dragons still looking groggy and still slowly waking up, becoming aware of their surroundings and blinking.

Rhuemwight: Good heavens, it's Brother Lame.  
Vyce: What's you going to do pinkie?  
Brother Lame: I, Brother Lame of the Peace Crusaders, will stop you.  
Vyce: That's all fine and dandy.. but...

Vyce's tail flicks and grows and extends. Rhuemwight, understanding what's happening, back away with a squeak. Eldrad gives the 'Inquisitor' a weird look, but follows suit. Vyce quickly changes to his huge feral form, towering over the lot of them and knocking some machinery over.

Brother Lame: I exist to serve. Prepare to di-

Suddenly, there is another crash, and Itsu stumbles into the room, knocking over the Dreadnought.

Itsu: My Lord. I'm here! Stop wandering off Eldrad.  
Eldrad: Itsu! Now is not the time. I need help retconning some things before it's too late!  
Itsu: Isn't it never too late to retcon something?  
Eldrad: Well it's too late that, when we do, we'll have so many fans complaining we need to reverse the retcon.  
Itsu: So.. Did it not work with the Squats?  
Eldrad: I don't think anyone cared about the Space Dwarfs in the first place. They got outsourced as Oompah Loompahs.

Suddenly, several Squats walk in, but for some reason are orange and have green.. hair.. And then.. they start singing!?

Squa-Oompah Loompahs: Oompa loompa doompety doo. I've got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompety dee. If you are wise you'll list-

Vyce snorts, eats one, the rest of them scatter and continue their song.

Oompah Loompahs: What do you get when you guzzle down sweets, Eating as much as an elephant eats. What are you at, getting terribly fat. What do you think will come of that?  
Vyce: STOP RYHMING!

Vyce chomps down on another one. Everyone else is too stunned to react, or move, or do much of anything.

Oompah Loompahs: Oompa loompa doompety da. If you're not greedy, you will go far  
You will live in happiness too. Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do Doompety do.

Vyce goes to devour another one but for some reason they all explode ad the facility nearly collapses.

Vyce: Okay! I don't care who's here or still trying to figure things out. Let's MOVE!

Brother Lame: But.. but..

Eldrad starts moving towards Itsu, Vyce grabs him with his tail and coils it around him, dragging the Eldar along.

Vyce: Your going nowhere.  
Itsu: hold on!  
Vyce: We can negotiate later. This place is going to fall.

The Dragons look confused, but follow anyway as Vyce and the others run out of the room as it starts to collapse, going to erase whatever else of the Imperial DRAGON program existed.

Elsewhere... On the ship Obligatory Cameos.

Agent21: Come on! We'll miss everything.  
Agent17: We've got time, it's supposed to be like.. a huge thing.  
Ghost04: We can watch it from here on Holovid.  
The Biscuit Monster: PASS THE POPKHORNE.  
Zahr: The Necrons can't just sit out.  
Naso: If there were they'd be Necron Igloos.  
BenJi Man: Or Phase Dildos.  
thedeathguy2: My titans can flatten your Phase Dildos.  
Arich444: That's what she said!  
Sawblade: Can I just like. Send my Tyranids to devour them all?  
D3mon: No! Bad bug.  
Biscuit: Did you jus-  
Sawblade: Bug? BUG!? BUUUUUG!?  
Hardun: I recommend running.  
Remy G: Running far.  
Weaver: Or maybe we should harass Vyce for the horrible Cameos.  
Gorb: Or ban him.  
NeCoHo: Or lock his thread.  
Immortal Chaos: Or edit his posts to something silly.  
Naso: Since when did banning get rid of me?  
Gorb: Good question.  
Mellisia: Stupid Answer.  
Agent17: So what happens when Vyce covers everyone in the cameo?  
Ecaja: Well I th-  
Neenja: Quick! Stop him before he goes into an essay about cameos!  
Twiggy: I dunno. Something bad?  
Delixe: Well then let's not run out of Cameos.  
Elric_de_Melnibone: Or anything else for that matter.  
Sawblade: We can always have him come back later and write in more.  
No2Wookie: *Headdesk*  
McCarrick: Say.. Why aren't Celethorn and Tritus here with their bacon cakes?

Elsewhere...

On board The Shining Claw's Warship, The Archangel, two former Space Marines turned dragons converse as the ship and the fleet belonging to both The Shining Claws and The Knights of Custos Morum shoot through the warp, about to exist into Terran space. Celethorn seems to be poking at bacon cake, eying it strangely.

Tritus: Okay, so we're about ready to assault Terra and tear out the heart of the Imperium. Are your forces ready to go?  
Celethorn: Aff. The moment we arrive we can launch an-What in the Emperor's name?  
Tritus: Hmm?

Tritus turns to look, the fleet just translated from warp space to normal space. And the sight they saw was one to behold. Chaos fighting the Imperium, a massive space battle occurring over Terra all the way over to Mars. Cannons firing, torpedoes, fighters, and bombers everywhere. Bright explosions, gaudy paint schemes, and spikes all over.

Celethorn: Looks like we're late to the party.  
Tritus: Looks like Chaos might have beaten us to getting here.  
Celethorn: Well that's a shame. Should we help Chaos or...?  
Tritus: We'll deal with them later. If they get in the way, engage them, but otherwise make way for Terra, engage ships only if necessary.

A crew member for The Archangel pipes up.

Shining Claw: Brother-Captain, it appears we're receiving a message coming from Mars.  
Celethorn: Mars?  
Tritus: What the dev-  
Shining Claw: It's forcing it's way through!

The screen shifts from a view of the battle, to a familiar scaled face taking up the viewscreen, red eyes mischievous.

Tritus: Chaos Dragon!

Celethorn growls and steps in front of Tritus, giving Vyce a glare. Although Eldrad was oddly absent.

Celethorn: You again! It's about time we met once more dragon.  
Vyce: Indeed. Except I'm not interested in fighting. I actually need a lift so I can knock out the Imperium.  
Celethorn: A lift? Please. Find your own way dragon.  
Vyce: I'm sure you'd like to hear I have an army's worth of dragons ready to topple the Imperium.  
Tritus: An army?  
Vyce: Indee-  
Celethorn: No.  
Vyce: Listen to me, please. I know the forces I am loyal to seem to be Chaos, but my agenda is not conquest!  
Celethorn: Out of th-  
Tritus: We'll do it.  
Celethorn: What? We can't possibly trust the Chaos Scum.  
Vyce: I have girl scout cookies?  
Celethorn: That doesn't work on me filth.  
Vyce: Bacon cake?  
Celethorn: Undecided.  
Vyce: Uhm... These dragons aren't decided on a side yet, perhaps you can coax some of them to fight for you.  
Celethorn: So how do we get to Mars without getting roasted?  
Vyce: It's what I have him for. An Inquisitor.

Rhuemwight fumbles and makes loud complaining sounds.

Tritus: He doesn't look like an Inquisitor.  
Vyce: But he is, and the Mechanicus thinks we're on his.. Side?

Vyce suddenly gets knocked aside, an Avatar setting Rhuemwight free.

Itsu: My Lord. Be careful!  
Avatar: Well I'm not used to this!  
Vyce: Wait a minute. Is that Eldrad?  
Avadrad: Nope. I have an awesome new name. Avadrad!

Facepalms were made, and the two start fighting, the screen goes dark.

Tritus: Well?  
Celethorn: Well what?  
Tritus: Are we going to get him?  
Celethorn: Only for the other dragons.

Tritus sighs and nods, watching the blank screen before it resumes a view of the fight. The ship signals the rest of the fleet to maneuver.

Back on Terra...

With all the carnage going on, nobody quite noticed a key player. Until it was too late. A figure in Golden Armor steps onto the field, quite literally blasting a path through by charging his laz0r, killing friends and foes alike, and stomping onto the field.

Drake: I can't tell who that is! His armor is way too bright!  
Tlanextic: That can only be one person.

The fighting literally stops, everyone turns to look at the Emperor. Some are shocked, some are glad he's here, some others are baffled, including..

Abbadon: What're you doing alive? I thought Horus killed you?  
Emperor: It was only my stunt double.  
Abbadon: What.. No.. It can't be.. NOOOOOOOO!!!  
Emperor: I was on vaca-  
Abbadon: NOOOOOOOOO!  
Emperor: He foug-  
Abbadon: NOOOO!!!! Horus's sacrifice was for nothing... my.. My.. Purpose is nothing. CURSE YOU!

Abbadon throw himself at the Emperor, the Emperor smirks, steps aside, and gives Abbadon a massive wedgie. Abbadon's pitch skyrockets.

Abbadon: MOMMY!  
Emperor: FORE!

The Emperor brandishes his most holy golf club, it blinds a few people and they fall over, scratching at their eyes. With a flash, Abbadon is struck and is shot off into the atmosphere. The Emperor frowns, noting he broke the club.

Ahriman: MY TURN!

The Emperor now brandishes his most holy baseball bat, and it hits, and whacks him into Magnus, who nearly crushes the Sorcerer in anger.

Magnus: Your DEAD EMPEROR! Your reign is at a-

The Emperor brandishes a holy toilet seat cover, and slams it around Magnus's neck. Magnus looks horrified.

Magnus: How'd you know my only weakness?  
Emperor: I know everything.  
Drake: KNOW THIS!

Drake leaps, and is smacked aside with just a wrist flick. Tlanextic growls and conjures up a spell, the Emperor answers with his own. Both are used, both collide, and nothing happens. Tlanexitc launches forward, moving the attack with his staff. The Emperor takes the hit, but grabs the staff and breaks it in two. Tlanextic looks dumbfounded before the Emperor grabs him and cracks his back. Tlanexitc hisses and bites at, but the Emperor hogties him and tosses him aside too.

Emboldened, the battle begins anew, the Space Marines fighting with vigor for the Emperor was with them. It seemed Chaos was ready to lose.. until

Salamander: Look! Up in the sky!  
Blood Angel: It's a bird!  
Alpha Legion: It's a plane!  
Versian: No you idiots, it's a mass of dragons.

Above, The Archangel is seen, the Shining Claws and the The Knights of Custos Morum fleet starts disgorging it's cargo of dragons high in the sky. Although how they ships got through without any problems is a good question, and Avadrad and Itsu basically fall from the sky like rocks, Rhuemwight included.

The dragons land in various spots, and start punching holes in the Imperium's lines. Avadrad and Itsu land, scattering Space Marines and Chaos Space Marines everywhere, and heads start rolling and more carnage ensues. Vyce is seen in his feral form, swooping down overhead, followed closely by Tritus and Celethorn.

Tritus: Is that who I think it is?  
Celethorn: It is! The Emperor! Praise be!  
Vyce: Oh hells.

Vyce drives faster, and pile drives into the Emperor face-first, the two roll. Vyce snaps with powerful jaws, and the Emperor uses his strength to fend back.

Vyce: I've been waiting for this moment!  
Emperor: You don't have anything on me Chaos Dragon!

The Emperor punches, and Vyce's jaw cracks. He howls in pain, but the opening allows him to bite down hard on the Emperor's shoulder, and he too hisses in pain, but ignores it and punches again, the Chaos Dragon whining before he spits out a torrent of warp fire. The Emperor uses his psychic powers to shield himself from the warpflame, and with a great effort grabs the dragon by the neck and throws him, he goes flying and lands with a sickening crunch.

Emperor: None can challenge me!  
Slaanesh: Want to bet babe?  
Tzeentch: Just as planned.  
Nurgle: Nurgle!  
Khorne: Ah-hah!  
Emperor: Well it it isn't the Chaos Gods. I don't think I can take you all on at once.  
Slaanesh: It's okay, we're not fighting you anyway.  
Emperor: Huh?  
Tzeentch: We're being lazy.  
Khorne: And it's more fun to watch.  
Nurgle: Therefore...

The four step back.

Slaanesh: Sex, drugs, and rock and roll!  
Khorne: BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!  
Tzeentch: Just as planned.  
Nurgle: NURGLE!  
All four: With our powers combined...

Vyce groggily starts to get back up.

Vyce: What int he name of the four fathers are the four fathers doing?  
Drake: Hell if I know.

Tlanextic says nothing and merely groans and facepalms. The four gods smirk, and look to Vyce, Vyce stares back, clueless and still reeling from being hit in such a way.

Four Fathers: Vyce shall gain our combined powers..

Four glowing lights shoot at Vyce, the Chaos Dragon stares and starts to get up, about to receive such amazing powers, except..

Rhuemwight: WAIT! WAIT! Don't forget about me! I'm sorry  
All: NO!  
Rhuemwight: Huh?

The four orbs of light hit Rhuemwight, hard. The four gods jawdrop (Nurgle's jaw just falls off completely). The Cultist Inquisitor stares, hiccups.

Rhuemwight: AUUUUGH. MY SPLEEN

And then promptly explodes. The shockwave of power strikes everything, and the explosion devours everything in sight. The explosion clears, everything goes white. Lord Drake appears with a halo.

Drake: So like.. Am I dead? Where's the blood fountains? and the skulls piled up sky high? This isn't Khorne heaven.

Tlanextic appears next.

Tlanextic: I'm dead? Does that mean Drake isn-

Tlanextic hears a cough, turns, and stares at Lord Drake in horror. Drake smiles and waves.

Tlanextic: Even in the afterlife I can't escape you!  
Drake: Nope. Together forever.

Vyce appears, followed by Rhuemwight. Vyce immediately chomps on Rhuemwight.

Rhuemwight: Wait! Wait! We can fix this!  
Vyce: Fix fast boy!  
Rhuemwight: I can transfer them to you somehow!  
Vyce: You can transfer all you want in my stomach.  
Rhuemwight: WAIT WAIT! I CAN REWRITE THE SCRIPT!  
Vyce: Thats my job.

Rhuemwight struggles in Vyce's jaws.

Rhuemwight: You can't eat me! I'll respawn.  
Vyce: In my stomach! You ruined everything. EVERYTHING!

Avadrad and Itsu appear next.

Avadrad: I could retcon it.  
Itsu: My Lord! You can't!  
Avadrad: Well considering how that just annihilated everyone in existence. I think I can make an exception.  
Vyce: I still want to eat him!  
Avadrad: Except this will take all my strength. Istu-Karandras, take my place after I die.  
Itsu: Eldrad! No! Can't you technically retcon that too?  
Avadrad: ... Shut up. I'm trying to drop out here.

Suddenly everything rewinds, we're back to the scene with the orbs flying, and they collide with Vyce. He doubles in size, multiple wings shooting out of him, now sporting seven wings, wicked spikes growing along his tail.

Vyce: In the name of Khorne, I claim your skull. In the name of Tzeentch, I claim your soul. In the name of Slaanesh, I claim your body. And in the name of Nurgle, I will leave you dead to rot.  
Emperor: I will defeat you, and finally cleanse the galaxy of you and your filth.  
Vyce: Have at you!

Vyce leaps, spitting warpflame, the Emperor raises his arm and creates a psychic shield. The shield shatters and the Emperor dodges the pounce. Vyce hisses and twists his body around so he lands facing the Emperor. The swirling battle still rages on, Chaos gaining the upper hand with their powerful new reinforcements, various elements such a afire, ice, electricity, pudding (whut?), death, and others colliding into the enemy. Any others collide and rend and tear with tooth and claw.

The Emperor and Vyce engage in an epic battle, blocking blow after blow, and each time losing his shielding but able to bring it back up fast enough for it not to matter.

Emperor: You'll never win!  
Vyce: Just watch me. I'll put you so far into your golden throne they won't know the difference between man, machine, and a walrus.  
Emeperor: A walrus?  
Vyce: Look! Girl Scout cookies!  
Emperor: What?

The Emperor looks away, and Vyce's tail darts, using the power of Tzeentch to transform it into a powerful spike which pierces the Emperor's armor and goes out the other side.

Vyce: you won't be needing this.  
Emperor: No!

Vyce starts to drain the Emperor's soul. A process that takes time...

A long time..

Emperor: NOOOOO!!

A long long time..

Emperor: NOOO!!!!

A long long long time...

Emperor: Can we get this over with already?  
Vyce: Oh shut up.

So much time that Vyce sighs, springs his claws, and skips the Tzeentch part for the Khorne part, and removes the Emperor's head from his shoulders. Tzeentch pouts in the background, Khorne cackles. Vyce raises his paw high, and roars in triumph.

Later...

The fighting eventually died down, the remaining Imperial Forces around Terra disperse or are destroyed. Heavy losses were made on both sides, but the victory over the heart of the Imperium was worth it. The forces of Chaos pick the battlefield apart, and begin to lose interest and leave.

The Chaos Gods returned Vyce back to normal and left to, and the command section of the Black Draconis gathered.

Drake: So now that that's over..  
Tlanextic: We have Terra to ourselves..  
Vyce: I should make it a Daemon world, I'd have fun with an entire world to myself. Maybe make a legion or something out of boredum.  
Drake: Do you know what this means?  
Tlanextic: Party?  
Corrack: Nope! It's time for a fiesta!  
All: Oh no.. Not again...

Where Are They Now?

Lord Drake still leads the Black Draconis Space Marine Legion. He's since decided he should be a Daemon Prince after all so he can be as awesome as Tlanextic. However given his Black Dragon legion it was more of a larger form of Vyce's Anthro form. He freaked out and thought he turned into a furry so he decided to 'stop being a Daemon Prince' despite Khorne's insistence it's impossible.

Tlanextic stays as a Daemon Prince, liking his new form. However he's still bound to Lord Drake. As Tzeentch says there should be a reason to come why he's still like that way. Tlanextic suspects it's for Comedy and a new Sitcom about Lord Drake and Tlanextic.

Vyce finds out Terra might be a nice vacation home and sets up shop there with his dragon army, and launch attacks against whoever is leftover. Tritus and Celethorn, seeing their Emperor dead and destroyed hang around with Vyce for awhile, plotting to take down Chaos, but at the same time helping Vyce with the Xenos.

Rhuemwight, being unkillable, reluctantly returned to being a cultist under Lord Drake's rule. He still explodes all the time, but it's better than doing it everytime he respawns. Khorne still found it amusing.

Michael Jackson somehow came back from the dead and turned into a Necron. The Necrons are currently plotting making him their leader, but the Void Dragon stepped in and took over, and poises to strike Chaos and maybe harass the Tau.

Itsu returns to the Eldar, not too bother by Eldrad's death, and takes his place at the head of the Eldar and GW's retcon retinue. Although there were various death threats sent to GW and as a result they've 'overlooked' the Imperium falling. He's now the new GW retconner.

Revenant goes to write Rise of the Tau. Many perverted jokes were made. No2Wookie then makes a review to make fun of the Tale. And then C.S. Goto rips it off and gives the Tau Multilasers and GW and the Black Library doesn't even bat an eyelash at it.

Arafalas and Corrack fight for gay marriage until some sense is smacked into the legalists leftover that Arafalas isn't a guy anymore thanks to Naso. They lived happily ev-No, not really, they divorced years later because Corrack was yamming everything that moved... And even anything that didn't move... and.. tragically lost Mr Happy. A rather horrible fate for Corrack.. Except he found out how to grow tentacles and did so with some help from Naso. o..O; Their legion still roams about, raping and... more raping.

All the cameos went back where they belonged, mostly to either their own stories or back on the forums, bugging Vyce into continuing Misadventures or something else more amusing, or maybe a sequel. huh. Sequel.

Vyce Dryke goes to take a break, and then write Mont'au

Number of times Tlanextic Facepalmed: 10  
Number of time Rhuemwight Exploded: 15  
Number of times Lord Drake said Khorne's..!: 10  
Number of times Vyce changed Chaos Alignments: 4


End file.
